To think that your life is not like a single parents

[Frankiebop]

Met up recently with a friend whose husband works away a few days a week, which I understand is not ideal, however I felt it was a bit off when she said 'I'm a single parent like you'.
Being a single parent is not about being responsible on your own for a few days with the kids but having someone to help out the rest of the time with parenting decisions, diy, finances, etc.
I work full time and I am solely responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, diy, childcare, finances, paying all bills and a mortgage, shopping.
I think I may be slightly oversensitive on this as I am particularly alone as DS's father is not in the picture (his choice, not mine) and I don't have any family that help me.
I love my life and child and I am so happy, but knackered and never have a moment to myself.
Just wanted to let off steam - rant over!

Thanks everyone, I know you can't compare lives and think that everybody with a partner is living in a happy little bubble, I just thought it was slightly insensitive - it's mainly the level of responsibility - relentless.

Yanbu

It shows a lack of understanding of the really big difference between having a partner who is sometimes away, and having no partner there to ever give you a break or share happy things or worries or decision-making.

With that said, as I get older and more aware of my lack of wisdom, I am painfully aware of the times that I have unwittingly been insensitive to people's difficult situations (friends who had children before me, friends who didn't have children and may well have struggled to conceive or suffered losses, people who have lost parents, etc). So I think there is also a place (if you can find it in yourself, and it's totally fine if you can't) for being forgiving and trying to gently educate...

Can I join in, I've had a few friends say this to me, friends with partners and husbands. They seem to think that if their partnersis working lots of hours etc that they 'understand' and 'feel' what is like to be a single mum. It honestly make me feel stabby! I love being a single mum as in I'm my own boss ( and getting to eat all the pizza) but it's hard when you need some support for what life throws at you. Also mine think I'm soooooo lucky and can be spontaneous when my kids are with their dad a few times a month... those days are spend normally running around sorting stuff out for the kids. Ah yes being really spontaneous there

Yanbu.. She needs to get a grip.

I'm technically a single parent according to HPs, tax credits, benefits and my NHS bursary, however, my ds dad has him 3 days a week (sometimes more), pays more maintenance than he should and makes joint decisions about everything for ds... Because of this I don't feel like a single parent at all! Well done you, It's a lot of work

She was being insensitive, but probably just thoughtless rather than genuinely uncaring. Some people have very little empathy. FWIW - I think single parents are flipping amazing! YANBU.

Yandnbu.

I also get fucked off when people who are technically single parents, but in reality aren't pretend we are in the same position. If your ex shares custody, helps with diy, pays large sums of maintenance and is generally a faultless father, with the only difference your relationship status, then I really don't want to hear all about how you are in the same boat, and 'us lone parents doing a great job, my life is so hard, blah blah'. Erm no.

Depending on how much the person pisses me off, I have been known to say 'oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise you'd split up' in response to none single parents who think they are single because hubby dear is away.

I agree with you OP. However, there are different levels of responsibility depending on your partner and how much help you get from others. You say

I am solely responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, diy, childcare, finances, paying all bills and a mortgage, shopping.

Which is still true of some people with partners. When DH was in the army he worked away a lot. And while i still had him sort of there. He wasn't really. He then left and had a job where 50% of his time was in the US. and then when he was home he spent weekends in the TA.

Still now he works long hours and i do all of everything else included a lot of care for his father with Dementia. He has virtually no knowledge of any of those things and we don't discuss them much. In fact my Mum and Dad offer way more support and if i was a single parent my life wouldn't be much different in those terms, in fact my responsibilities would be less as i wouldn't have to tidy, cook, shop and launder for dh and look after fil.

Obviously i don't want to not be married to DH, but i can see why some observers would say my life was similar to a single parent, without considering all the other benefits i get from being married.

In fact i was going to start a thread asking single parents how they cope with small dc at bedtime, because, while i acknowledge i am not a single parent, everyone i ask with a partner says things like - DH takes x while i bath y&z etc. And that is no help to me at all, i need to know how to do it alone - so some things are in common, without being entirely the same if that makes sense. (don't think i have explained myself at all well here )

He's earning money though MrsKoala.

Well yes, that's what i mean by the benefits i get from being married. Altho if i didn't want to be a sahm i would be better off single as i would get things like wtc etc which i wouldn't now so working would cost us so much money we couldn't afford it. I'm not complaining of course, our choices and everything. But others have commented along the lines of this thread to me and while i don't see it as the same, i can see what they are clumsily referring to. It is hard, but not the same of course.

YANBU at all - not much of a friend if she knows your circumstances and does this

I have been in situation of DH working in another country and we have no family support whatsoever whereas most near us have endless GP on tap to help smooth over the bumps -and still moan about how hard they find it - but I would never say I had it as tough as a single parent - but I hope I can empathise with the difficulties of running your own family without support from an extended family - it's bloody hard -

I've been a single parent and am now a parent with a DH who works away often. The two are in no way similar. DH is at the end of the phone if the kids are being twats, he's able to take time off when needed, he helps about the house when he's here, we're a family when he's not at work. Single parenting is pretty much the polar opposite of all of that, and I take my hat off to anyone doing it. And would laugh someone out of town for suggesting the two situations are in any way alike.

Its not just the day to day stuff though. Its having sole responsibility for everything which when I was child free was liberating, but with a dependent child is terrifying. I feel like everything is finely balanced like a house of cards with me at the centre - if one thing falls - my health, my job, childcare, my parents health there is no backup. As a couple you have more options, you work as a team to sort the big stuff.

The day to day is actually easier without a dead weight around (although I am constantly in a bit of a rush to get places on time).

Is there some kind of requirement for this to thread to be posted every two weeks or something?

She may not be a single parent but no one has a monopoly on finding the circumstances of their life hard.

Sorry for the grumpiness but I'm pretty sure it was decided on mumsnet sometime back in 2008 that partner works away does not equal single parent.

Maybe we should have list at the top of things that aren't unreasonable so there's not point in asking.

Of course we could also have a list of those things which aren't unreasonable. A bit like an FAQ.

FAIBU

I feel like a single parent, I am for the majority of the time 95% solely responsible for childcare, diy/problems with the house, shopping, cleaning, cooking. I don't have any emotional support.
Dh is good for the financial side of things though so I feel lucky in that respect. He would be there though if anything seriously bad were to happen but then he would be if we were separated.

Sorry I of course mean FAAIBU.

Frequently asked am I being unreasonable

YANBU It's like having a broken arm and comparing it to an amputee. Temporary is very different to permanent.

Relentless responsibility is hard work. My DCs have a dad (STBXH) but he has always been a child-man. He sees them but not overnight and he always asks his parents to be there so he can go off and they'll take them. Losing him meant I lost a teenager and gained an easier life. My DM helps me so I feel for you as I find it hard and have support.

Yanbu. My Dh works long hours and us often away for work and feck, I have no idea how single parents cope...we live abroad and have no family or friends nearby so when he's away it's tough.

I wonder if that's kind of what she was saying and it just came out wrong? Yanbu, but probably thoughtless tather than malicious on her part.

Squirmy - I think i worked out, after a thread like this a few years ago when i desperately wanted to go back to work, that i would have actually been way better off financially and the only way we could afford me to work was if i left DH. So i gave up on the idea of working again. Which again was our choice of course. We could have just not been parents at all if working was so important to me.

I just don't think i ever visualised it being this hard - but then again i knew what kind of job dh had when we decided all this - so it's no surprise. Whereas i don't think anyone plans to be a single parent, so that is much harder for them as it isn't what they expected.

This thread makes me want to push pins in my eyes.

You are right. I always call myself a single single parent as I work full time, am single, their father pays nothing and he doesn't see them so just about as single as it can be (and I paid him on the divorce so even worse than had he died financially anyway, not that I am saying widows have it easy of course...although they usually at least have a lot of sympathy and a goodly amount of life insurance rather than paying out to the man they lost).

Robinkitty no! DH being financially responsible is the opposite of being a single parent ffs. Single parents do everything AND provide financially. Don't you understand how offensive it is to compare yourself to someone who has no-one to share worries about money, bills, housing?

This thread has stirred up some old annoyance from my single parent days .