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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that your life is not like a single parents

106 replies

Frankiebop · 17/08/2016 09:58

Met up recently with a friend whose husband works away a few days a week, which I understand is not ideal, however I felt it was a bit off when she said 'I'm a single parent like you'.
Being a single parent is not about being responsible on your own for a few days with the kids but having someone to help out the rest of the time with parenting decisions, diy, finances, etc.
I work full time and I am solely responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, diy, childcare, finances, paying all bills and a mortgage, shopping.
I think I may be slightly oversensitive on this as I am particularly alone as DS's father is not in the picture (his choice, not mine) and I don't have any family that help me.
I love my life and child and I am so happy, but knackered and never have a moment to myself.
Just wanted to let off steam - rant over!

OP posts:
Squeegle · 18/08/2016 11:28

I agree. The hardest part about being a single parent is the cumulative effect of making every decision, having to be the nurturer and the disciplinarian and the having to earn money as well! I never feel like I am doing a good job; ditto most people think I am too soft on my son - but I find it very very hard to do all of these things alone and with another child as well. All of us have different situations but when someone compares their life to that of a single parent, it generally means they have no real comprehension of the underlying stress - they only see the day to day.
Having said all of that, it is miles better than being in an unsupportive abusive relationship!

JenLindley · 18/08/2016 11:41

I've been on both sides of this and as a single parent my life was no different, in fact it was a lot easier and happier as I didn't have to deal with a twonk. So for some it is just the same.

So it wasn't the same if your life was happier then. Also, being married doesn't mean you're married to a twonk. Plenty of men are actually good partners and parents which means being without them is harder. So no, it's not just the same or even better without them.

Kellycee · 18/08/2016 12:29

2016Blyton I'm a widow...have been since my son was 6 months old.
don't get any sympathy tbh (think most people don't know what to say) and we had no life insurance.

Original poster
Frankiebop · 18/08/2016 13:28

Kellycee - I'm so sorry, that must be so hard. x

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 18/08/2016 13:34

Just to say I have the utmost respect for single parents. I don't know how you do it.

Fist bump.

GoblinLittleOwl · 18/08/2016 14:03

YANBU.
I had a 'friend' who said, of course it is easier for you, you don't have to iron all those shirts now.

RubyCav · 18/08/2016 14:07

YANBU in this circumstance.

However it is possible to basically be a single parent/have it harder than a single parent, even if you have a 'd'p.

For me being a single mom (despite ex not having any contact with DC - so just me and DC 24/7), is 100x easier, less lonely and more possible to have "me" time, etc than it ever was with him. He made work for me, he never helped with decisions only criticised whatever i did do, i wasnt allowed feelings, he emotionally drained me and he isolated me. I had the negatives of being a single mom and more. I was very much a lone parent before I actually became a single mom. Becoming a single mom for was a relief to have life so easy. Sure life would be easier with a good partner and I wish my "me" time was more than just for an hour an evening at home (once DC in bed and housework finished). But before I left ex I didn't even get that hour.

Socksey · 18/08/2016 14:21

I would agree that YANBU for the most part.... however there are some people who ate married and effectively a single parent.... my husband works on the other side of the world, I see him once or twice a year for a week or two. Yes, I get to speak to him on the phone occasionally but I have no other support from him ( he's not even been paid for the last 18mo.... so stuck abroad ) .... it's been like that for 9 years. I work full time and have no family support.... not from the area so no friends to help out either....
Basically I have all the bad parts of marriage and being given single with none of the benefits of either....

hungryhippo90 · 18/08/2016 15:01

For the most part I would say YANBU, but I can see how some women feel that they are single mothers.
A mum friend is at home with her 2children, and her husband's 2/3 (it varies) children who live there too/ one visits for long periods of time.
He turns up home once or twice a week, sees the kids, few cups of tea, might have a shag then leaves.
She seems to think that he is at work all the time he's away. Doesn't tally with his wages, and or the working hours he cab legally do as a lorry driver.
She does everything. She lives on the shoestring budget he allows her. She would get more help from him if he were a weekend type of dad.

I do say this as a woman who spent around 4 years as a single parent.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 18/08/2016 15:35

Wow she sounds like a very stupid prat.

BocaDeTrucha · 18/08/2016 15:46

YADDDDDNBU. I'm not a single parent but every single day since having my son I think about single parents and bloody take my hat off to you all.

Lagirafe · 18/08/2016 15:47

YANBU!

I hate this as well.

Squirmy65ghyg · 18/08/2016 18:54

Socksey - I don't understand your set up. No pay for 18m?!?!

JenLindley · 18/08/2016 19:00

socksey if your DH works and lives abroad and has no income then surely you get tax credits or something to boost your single income?

PersianCatLady · 18/08/2016 22:07

Socksey - I don't understand your set up. No pay for 18m?!?!
Neither do I.

Blondieblondie · 18/08/2016 22:25

YANBU. I technically am a "single" parent, but even though my ex doesn't contribute financially as much as I think he should, and frequently needs his arse kicked/reminded about childcare, plans, etc, he does play a very big part in DS life - having him 2/3 nights a week, discussing DS behaviour or making decisions about him, so I think it's a bit of an insult to him to call myself a single parent in that respect.

I wonder if your friends husband knows that's how she sees herself.

conkerpods · 18/08/2016 22:31

I'm not a single parent but I think that to have the full responsibility of children,particularly emotionally must be really tough.
Hats off to single parents.
OP....yanbu

Somerville · 18/08/2016 23:50

...I paid him on the divorce so even worse than had he died financially anyway, not that I am saying widows have it easy of course...although they usually at least have a lot of sympathy and a goodly amount of life insurance rather than paying out to the man they lost.

Glad you weren't saying that widows have it easy 2016Blyton Hmm

I can assure you that a million time over, I'd have rather signed my house, pensions and savings over to the father of my children, than cared for him through a year of cancer treatment and then devastate our children with the news that he'd died in hospital during the final attempt at destroying the cancer faster than destroying the rest of his body.

BlowMeDownWithAFeatherMissis · 19/08/2016 00:13

Some people do choose to be a single parent though - someone upthread said no one chooses to. I did - both my kids are donor conceived and I was and am single. There are quite a few of us around these days!

Atenco · 19/08/2016 02:05

But aren't there all kinds of single parents, OP?

You work fulltime, I didn't. I only had one child, a lot of single parents have several. A lot have the support of their families, etc. etc.

So this parent is not at all in such a difficult situation as yours, but is not in an ideal situation either.

MrsKoala · 19/08/2016 09:45

It's not black and white tho is it? There are shades of grey. You cannot blanket say it is harder for a sp and easier for everyone married. Some sp's have really supportive good relationships with their ex and families, some are married to people who are away a lot, give no emotional support and don't engage with family life for whatever reasons and because of this they cannot work etc.

In theory it should always be much easier with a live in partner. But many threads on mn has demonstrated this isn't always the case.

elodie2000 · 19/08/2016 10:07

Mrskoala Yes to everything you just said.

Everyone has different circumstances and you just can't generalise about two parent families/single parents.

A friend of mine is a single parent who has 2 DC and parents who live down the road. They pay for clohes, outings, treats and holidays.
They do the school run, take DCs to evening clubs whilst their DD works full time. The girl's Dad has them to stay every Sat- Sun AM and pays maintainance.

Another friend who also works full time has two DD and lives with her DH. She is solely responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, diy, childcare, finances, paying all bills and a mortgage, shopping. Her DH doesn't work and has MH problems.

I know which situation I'd rather be in and when friend 1 plays the single mum card I want to scream.

That's just an example and your situation doesn't sound like my first friend OP.
I also know single Mums who don't get this kind of help. We just can't generalise that's al.l

Somerville · 19/08/2016 10:13

For people in shit, abusive marriages it will be easier for them as single parents.

Anyone else? Nah. Not that I've ever seen. And I say that with a father in the forces and a late husband who at times in our marriage travelled a lot for work.

Suddenly becoming a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than falling pregnant during the first year of my marriage and completing my masters with a newborn baby. Harder than setting up as a freelancer whilst having 3 kids under 5 and my DH working abroad a lot. Harder even than parenting and working alongside my DH being very ill.

People who have a spouse who works away, even if he isn't emotionally supportive about family desicions over the phone, at least have another income coming in.

Pikawhoo · 19/08/2016 10:14

MrsKoala, it's not necessarily harder than being part of a couple, but being a single parent is definitely a totally different thing.

Some bits may be harder, some bits may be easier, but ultimately the big difference is that you're in it alone on an emotional as well as practical level.

Pikawhoo · 19/08/2016 10:17

And yes, if a partnership is abusive or totally unbalanced in terms of contribution, that's terrible (LTB! etc etc). But there must be something in it for them to stay for, which for some reason they value above being a single parent.

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