To ask your favourite Limericks/rhymes?

[Fishface77]

My son has summer home work. He had to choose 3 limericks or rhymes then create his own. It got me thinking, the only ones I know are filthy!
Eg, Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky,
Jill forgot to take the pill and now they've got little Frankie.

Or

Mary had a little lamb it always kept gruntin'
She put it on the garden fence and kicked the little cunt in.

I know. Not good.

I wish my room had a floor
I don't much care for the door
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore

Like you OP, I have only rude ones

There was an old man from Gosham,
who took out his balls to wash ’em,
his wife said “Jack!,
if you don’t put ‘em back,
I’ll stand on the fuckers and squash ’em!”

The Existentialist Limerick, and the Chriatian response:

There was a young man who said, 'God,
Must find it exceedingly odd,
That the tree that I see,
Always ceases to be,
When I'm not around in the Quad.

Young man, it is not at all odd,
For I'm ^always around in the quad,
And that's why the tree
Never ceases to be
In the sight of, Yours Faithfully, God!

And another one:
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the Tiger!

A funny rhyme:

Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
But Moses supposes erroneously.
For nobody's toeses are posies of roses,
As Moses supposes his toeses to be.

And one rude one:

There was a young man from Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
One was so small
It was not there at all,
But the other one won several prizes!

Due - Christian not Chriatian.

While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model reclined on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So 'e leapt up the ladder and 'ad 'er.

My Papa taught me a couple when I was young - so 35 years ago or so (eek!).

The elephant is a pretty bird
It flits from bough to bough
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
And whistles like a cow

Or,

It was the month of Liverpool
The city of July
The rain was snowing heavily
And the streets were very dry

I've no idea of the origins of them though.

Alexander Pope's proposed epitaph for Sir Isaac Newton:

Nature, and Nature's laws, lay hid in night:
God said Let Newton be! and all was light.

Sir John Squire's response:

It did not last: the Devil howling Ho!
Let Einstein be! restored the status quo.

ItsLikeSputnik The second of those was in a popular schoolbook called First Aid in English by Angus MacVicar which was around in the Fifties.

It scans well to the tune of There is a House in New Orleans.

Oh lord, but I am a mine of useless information.

Two Dead Boys
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!

Jabberwocky
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

• from Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There by Lewis Carroll

On the Ning Nang Nong
On the Ning Nang Nong

Where the Cows go Bong!

And the monkeys all say BOO!

There's a Nong Nang Ning

Where the trees go Ping!

And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.

On the Nong Ning Nang

All the mice go Clang

And you just can't catch 'em when they do!

So its Ning Nang Nong

Cows go Bong!

Nong Nang Ning

Trees go ping

Nong Ning Nang

The mice go Clang

What a noisy place to belong

Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

• from Silly Verse for Kids by Spike Milligan

Sorry, I only have one!

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said very loud as he was every so proud
If my ear was a cunt I could Fuck it.

A baby sardine saw her first submarine
She was frightened and looked through the peephole.
Oh come come come said the sardine's mum,
It's only a tin full of people.

And another:

Said Hamlet to Ophelia
I'll draw a sketch of thee
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?

Both Spike Milligan of course!

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumps over the candle stick

Silly boy
He should of jumped higher
Goodness gracious
Great balls of fire

My Nanna taught me that in church when I was a child

ghengis that was going to be mine! My 90 year old Nanna told us that at the dinner table on Christmas Day, six weeks before she died. I think she was loosing her marbles but it still makes me smile when I think of it.

A throwback to my early years in Glasgow:

Winter's come, the snow has fell
Wee Josie's nose has froze as well.
Wee Josie's frozen nose is skintit.
Winter's diabolic, intit?

This one is sung on a loop....

Fanny Morgan played the organ on a Sunday afternoon; and her sisters got a blister in the middle of her
Fanny Morgan......

The boy stood on the burning deck
his feet all covered in blisters
The fire ran up his trouser leg
so he had to wear his sister's

or

There was a young man from Darjeeling
who boarded a bus bound for Ealing
It said on the floor
Please don't spit on the floor
So he lay down and spat on the ceiling

Both of those were my Grandad's

And my kids fave

There once was a man named Michael finnegan
Grew some whiskers on his chinegan
the wind came out and blew them in again
Poor old Michael finnegan beginagain

Fellow German speakers may know this, although they won't have learnt it in school:

Amalia, komm' mal runter
In die Kaffeplantage,
Da sitzt ein kleiner Neger
Und kratzt sich am . . . alia, komm' mal runter

And loop!

Hairy Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her drawers
When she farted,
Out it darted
Then it was there no more....

There was a young barmaid from Sale
On whose breasts were the prices of ale
While on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was exactly the same but in Braille

I must go down to the sea again,
To the lonely sea and the sky,
I left my shoes and socks there
I wonder if they're dry.

Oh endless salty green-ness,
Though everlasting sea,
Oh mess with slimy jellyfish,
But do not mess with me!

First one is Spike Milligan (of course) but I'm not sure about the second - it was in a picture book my DDs had a long time ago.

There was a young lady from Bod
Who wanted a baby from god
It wasn't the almighty that went up her nightie.
It was the vicar, the dirty old sod.

There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside.

(only one I know off the top of my head!)

There was a young woman from China
Who had an enormous vagina
When asked 'does it bend?'
She replied 'there's no end,
For a durex
I use a bin liner'.

I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes them taste quite funny
But it keeps them on the knife

Mary Pugh was nearly two when she went outdoors
She went out standing up she did
but came back on all fours

The moral of this story
Please meditate and pause
Never send a baby out with loosely waisted drawers!

Both Spike Milligan.