To ask your favourite Limericks/rhymes?

[Fishface77]

My son has summer home work. He had to choose 3 limericks or rhymes then create his own. It got me thinking, the only ones I know are filthy!
Eg, Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky,
Jill forgot to take the pill and now they've got little Frankie.

Or

Mary had a little lamb it always kept gruntin'
She put it on the garden fence and kicked the little cunt in.

I know. Not good.

A man on a length of elastic
Decided to do something drastic
When he jumped off a cliff he
Came back in a jiffy
And yelled to his friends 'it's fantastic'

(Think that's Michael Palin)

loads of Edwardian ones - including clerihews and Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes for example

Billy in one of his nice new sashes
Fell into the fire and burned to ashes
Now although the room grows chilly
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy

or

Said Sir Christopher Wren
I am dining with some men
If anyone calls
Say I'm designing St. Pauls

Romeo, oh romeo, of oceans you remind me
Why is this my sweet fair child,
Because I am restless and so wild,
Or deep and free my fluffy Chick,
No, because you make me sick

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife

From the same book as the last one i posted, can't remember what it was called but it really made an impression on me! I know a few word for word and can remember parts of the rest. This is about 20 years later!

I've always loved this:-

‘You are old, Father William’ (1865) Lewis Carroll

“You are old, Father William,” the young man said,
“And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head –
Do you think, at your age, it is right?”

“In my youth,” Father William replied to his son,
“I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I’m perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door –
Pray, what is the reason of that?”

“In my youth,” said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
“I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment – one shilling the box –
Allow me to sell you a couple?”

“You are old,” said the youth, “and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak –
Pray, how did you manage to do it?”

“In my youth,” said his father, “I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose –
What made you so awfully clever?”

“I have answered three questions, and that is enough,”
Said his father; “don’t give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I’ll kick you downstairs!”

Wish I hadn't clicked on this thread, I'm now searching Amazon for the book through nearly 10,000 children's poetry books

I take it all back I think I've found it on page 2!!

I love this maths one

I ended up going digging and unearthing all of these the one I was looking for was Who's been sleeping in my porridge by Colin McNaughton

There was a tree
Upon a hill
It stood there then
Does it stand there still?

If it doesn't stand still
And runs about
Then open the gates
And let it out!

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today -
I wish he'd go away.

Mary had a little lamb,

It wore a collar and Tie,
And every time it cocked its leg, it pissed in Mary's eye. 😁

“Hairy Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her drawers
She pulled a string to make it sing
And down came Santa Claus.
It really was Father Mike riding on a motorbike
Hairy Mary had a canary
Up the legs of her drawers
When she farted, it departed
With a round of applause.”

Here lie the remains of William Doe,
With us he is no more,
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

Little Billy, mean as hell
Pushed his sister down the well.
Mother said, while drawing water,
"My, it's hard to raise a daughter!"

The rain it raineth every day
Upon the just and unjust feller
But mostly on the just, because
The unjust's got the just's umbrella

There was a young lady from Twickenham,
Whose shoes were too tight to walk quick in em,
She came back from her walk,
Looking whiter than chalk,
Took them both off and was sick in em.

There was a young lady from Ealing,
Who had the most peculiar feeling,
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

There was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock, broke his cock
And now he has a vagina

Andrewofgg My version of that has always been:
As i was walking up the stairs,
I saw a man that wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd go away"

But it's my absolute favourite!

I was gonna use LouBlue's

There was a young man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
In half of an hour his dick grew a flower,
And his balls were covered in weeds.

Mr Farmer man went to milk a cow,
Mr Farmer man didn't know how.
Mr Farmer man pulled the wrong bit,
Mr Farmer man covered in.... (And repeat)

I am loving this thread! 'You Are Old, Father William' has been a favourite of mine for years.

My contribution

There was a young man from Dundee
Who climbed up a very high tree
He felt such a clown
Cos he couldn't get down
And he's been there since 1903

And one my nana taught me

In good King Charles' golden days
Before loo roll was invented
They wiped their arse (ass)
On blades of grass
And had to be contented

shakeatail That's a bit sanitised.

In days of old when knights were bold
And johnnies weren't invented
They wrapped a sock around the cock
And babies were prevented.

There was a young lady called Lynn,
Who was so uncommonly thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped down the straw and fell in!

I didn't realise there were so many dirty limericks!

I love the story to this one. The poet got very fed up with people quoting it to him and wrote a response a few years later.

I never saw a purple cow,
I never hope to see one.
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one!

Ah yes I wrote the purple cow,
I'm sorry now I wrote it.
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'll kill you if you quote it!

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

***

There once was a girl named McGill
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

***

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."