Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had children for something to love?

111 replies

Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 09:45

AIBU to think this is why most people have children?

I've heard it said there's something wrong with this - is there? What?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 09:47

Pressed 'post' by mistake, sorry, that message was shorter than I intended and looks a bit abrupt.

I overheard/was part of a conversation yesterday where someone was saying someone else had children just for something to love and look after - and I thought, don't most of us have children for that reason!? Or am I missing something?

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 09:50

No. That sounds like you are so lonely you only need children so you can love something. You may aswell get a dog for that.

I had children because I wanted them. Simple

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/06/2016 09:52

I am unsure if I'll have kids for this reason. Until I can satisfy myself that I'm not looking for a family or something to love, I won't.

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 09:55

Well, but why did you want them? :)

OP posts:
HormonalHeap · 02/06/2016 09:55

I think it's a bit more complicated than that; people have children for different reasons. I know someone who got pregnant simply because she was fed up with her job and fancied staying at home! I wasn't particularly maternal before i had kids and to be honest it was seeing my friends' kids and wanting a family life that was a factor for me.

I think if it's just a case of wanting something to love a dog's a safer option..

HormonalHeap · 02/06/2016 09:56

Anchor, what's wrong with looking for/wanting a family?

MyGreenSofa · 02/06/2016 09:56

I don't know that most people would think of it like that, though I think that probably is a big reason. For me, I wanted to have a family of my own with DP and I wanted to be a mother, so you could probably boil it down to the same thing.

NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 09:58

Why?

Because I did. It wasn't because I wanted something to love. I wanted to have children. I was ready for the next step.

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 10:00

Does it matter why we have children as long as we look after them once we do?

It's really stupid when people say you had them for selfish reasons. Of course you did, we all do, what non selfish reason could there be?

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 10:03

But you have them assuming you're going to love them and enjoy them, Need, so I think it boils down to the same thing really.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 10:10

Course I would love and enjoy them Confused

But I didn't have them just so I had something to love. That's the difference

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 10:13

But I didn't have them just so I had something to love. That's the difference

So what were the other reasons?

RaeSkywalker · 02/06/2016 10:14

I don't think I made a decision to ttc because I wanted something to love. I think I wanted children because I love DH so much, it felt like the next 'step' because of how secure and happy I felt. I had the most love in my life I'd ever had before we ttc.

HelloHola · 02/06/2016 10:14

I've not got any kiddies yet, but I know I'm hankering after having one soon - there's no specific reason other than I love the thought of having something someone to look after, to love and to love me back. I also love the thought of my DH to be becoming and being a father.

There's also probably a sense of achievement I want along with that.

My mother really should not have been a mother- so I suppose I want to prove to myself that it can be done and she was just a total waster mess.

EatShitDerek · 02/06/2016 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 10:16

derek Grin

BillBrysonsBeard · 02/06/2016 10:25

I don't see an issue with that line at all. I had a child because... I wanted a family, I have a lot of love to give, wanted to be a mum, wanted to have a mini me and DP, wanted to raise a good person. It's all part of the same thing.... Having a child to love is one of the best reasons I think! Reasons that are a bit dodgy are: "just to carry on the family name" or "to get benefits" but even then as long as the child is loved and wanted when it's here..

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 10:29

Yes, but Derek, 12 weeks isn't too late to have terminated the pregnancy if you had wanted to; they fact that you didn't is presumably because on some level you wanted the child (which isn't the same as planning to have the child.)

Bill, me too I think :)

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 02/06/2016 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joellevandyne · 02/06/2016 10:34

Can't honestly think what's wrong with wanting to create a small human to love. Assuming you really mean "to love" and not (just) "to get love from". The former seems like the most beautiful possible reason to have a child.

I think a lot of people can't really articulate why they want kids at the time. Which is why they say things like "It was the next step" or "I just wanted to" or "It was the right thing to do" (or "Why the hell not").

Justification for having children seems mostly like a retrospective process to me. Many parents will say that having children has made them a better person, or at least alerted them to the ways in which they need to be a better person. Yet I wonder what we would think of people who say they are having children as an exercise in personal development.

gamerwidow · 02/06/2016 10:35

The problem with having kids just to have someone to love is that it sounds potentially suffocating. Like you are going to be dependent on your dc for your own emotional well being. I think this is too much of a responsibility for dc to carry.

Solasum · 02/06/2016 10:37

My DS is only 2, and already he has a bit of a life without me. I am very conscious that he is only 'mine' for a brief while. I love him more than I thought possible, and he has made my life so much richer, but I certainly didn't have him for something to love. It was much more of a primal thing than that.

I feel strongly that I am able to be a better mother to DS because I take pains to have other things in my life too, so that when he leaves home I will not be totally bereft. I never want him to feel responsible for my happiness.

TheCladdagh · 02/06/2016 10:41

The problem with having kids just to have someone to love is that it sounds potentially suffocating. Like you are going to be dependent on your dc for your own emotional well being. I think this is too much of a responsibility for dc to carry.

This. I had a child because I thought it would be interesting, which it is. I didn't have him because I needed an outlet for love. And, like Eat says, people have children for a lot of different reasons, some not so fragrant - by accident, out of boredom, out of a sense that 'everyone does, don't they?', out of some major biological urge, the desire to have a child with a new partner, out of a fear they'll regret it if they don't etc etc.

DailyMailYobos · 02/06/2016 10:42

A child is more than just a "something". The child is a living, talking human being and they don't stay small forever and not like a toy as you are suggesting. I think you need to review your theory

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 10:44

Yes, I get that some people should not have children at all.

I get that some people don't plan to have a child but love it when it's there.

But I am talking about people who DO want a child :)

I don't, personally, see what's wrong with the reason I stated in my OP to have a child really. re emotional wellbeing, I don't know, I think personally I'd find it difficult to be really happy without having experienced parenthood.

OP posts: