To have had children for something to love?

[Wetbankhols]

AIBU to think this is why most people have children?

I've heard it said there's something wrong with this - is there? What?

I think having children to have someone to love, and someone to love you, is perfectly normal, natural, healthy and beautiful. I think there's nothing selfish about it. It makes more sense to me than simply having a biological need to procreate, because what does that mean? An urge to pass on our genes? An urge to ensure our species doesn't die out? On a biological level this urge makes sense, but we are a succesful species, unlikely to be wiped out terribly quickly. There is no real practical 'need' for us, on an individual level, to have children. But many of us feel a very real emotional need for that parent/child relationship, to love and be loved in this way (because it is a type of love we can't fulfill through any other relationship), to need and be needed. That was and is absolutely the case for me, and I couldn't care less what others make of that.

I think when people say they do it for someone to love them, that is going hand in hand with the fact they want to pour all of their love into someone, someone who won't leave them (like a partner could), it's a 'safe' love that lasts forever. I think some younger women/girls do not realise that is the hardest love of all, physically, emotionally and mentally but even when they can see this may be the case, they still choose to do it which IMO isn't the most terrible reason for having a child. I don't even think it's selfish because they must realise what sacrifices they will have to make, and the urge still is so strong they want to do it.

It could potentially be difficult if that child feels suffocated by its mothers need for love, but then that could happen to a child born in a happy marriage that later disintegrates or is struck by tragedy.

The child-parent bond I have is not the only reason I had children, but it's the best outcome from my decision and I totally understand why people would want to have it. It can be amazing. I don't begrudge anyone who wants to experience that

I don't know why my parents had children and I'm fairly sure they couldn't say why they did either - they just did.

It didn't really work out well for any of the parties concerned.

As there is no 'need', no imperative, for anybody to have children, I've concluded that unless you can actually justify why you want them, unless you can find a really good reason to make another person, you probably shouldn't.

I think there's a stark difference between choosing to have a baby because you like the idea of having a loving family of your own, versus feeling very lonely and insecure and wanting a baby to fill that void and make them feel needed

Yes but there is a whole spectrum inbetween the two extremes and you have no idea what people mean when they say thats why they had children. Its YOUR perspective that assigns the motive, not theirs.

Hodoor, oh absolutely, I didn't mean it was an either or thing. I'm sure it's very much a spectrum, and not one that we really have insight into except for where it applies to our own child-wanting experience (and even then it can be hard to un-pick our motivations).

I think Word summed up my stance on it quite nicely.

It is awfully sad when people feel they have to continue with a pregnancy they don't want.

I think it can be easy to assume that someone wants a child to fill an emotional void, but that can happen to anybody.

As with most things it's how you deal with it.

I didn't. I wasn't even broody tbh. But DH was always clear he wanted children and I came round to the idea. I'm pregnant now and really looking forward to meeting the new member of the family but I think 'something to love' is a pretty reductive and slightly creepy and needy explanation.

I think TheCladdagh has it spot on.

I don't have family, I'm orphaned. Not having children to form a family is something that is heavily focused on during therapy. It isn't a good idea, not for yourself or the new child. It creates a world of pressure and expectation. You shouldn't have a child to replace something that's missing, whether that's happiness or love or a family. You should be complete first. But TheCladdagh said it miles better.

The person up thread who said we justify retrospectively is right.
We have kids because in general, organisms reproduce. On an individual level each conception can be deliberate, accidental, wanted, unwanted and everything in between.
Afterwards, you generally love them so much you construct your own narrative to justify it.
Same reason babies are cute : they're such bloody hard work that if they weren't the species would have died out a long time ago 😁

Op there's nothing wrong with having kids because you've got a lot of love and want to bestow it. If it's because you want something to love you back then maybe a dog.

My mum told me she'd had children so she'd have someone to love HER! I think that's far worse. Putting all that need and dependency on the child (me).

You do have children expecting them to show their love and affection for you, though Maggie and I fail to see what's wrong with that.

It's only needy, Manatee if you express that need via actions: I've explained that badly but for example restricting your child's social life in the future for your own benefit, to not be lonely, is needy and as you rightly say, creepy. If you don't do that but just enjoy being loved and loving in return I still don't get the problem!

I had ds1 because it felt like having children would be a great adventure, that I wanted to raise a little human to be able to enjoy all the things that this world has to offer, that I could offer a lovely life full of love and laughter. And, I thought it would all be so easy! Ha!

I had ds2 and ds3 because I am a sucker for punishment.

I had children because I always knew if I got to my death bed without having had my own family, I'd regret it.

I knew it would be hard work and didn't look forward to the sacrifice! But I definitely didn't have kids to feel loved or for something to look after, I knew the dependent stage would be really hard, but I was prepared to do it anyway.

I had children because I wanted to experience being a parent, fancied the challenge, knew I'd make a reasonable job of it most of the time, was interested to see how my offspring would turn out. I knew I'd love fiercely but I didn't go into it thinking I'm making a human to love me. I was already loved and was in a really good place with that.

Wetbank - I believe I said: "Why? Because watching them grow, and develop into individual, fascinating to talk to human beings...? With their own personalities and opinions...?"

That would be why.

My extended family has step- and adopted children within it. We don't differentiate the love that we have for them, any one of us. We simply enjoy the experience of watching them grow into the people they're meant to be.

Dogs are easier. If you're after having someone in your life that doesn't answer back and thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread was first invented... (and I have a dog. Personally, I think it's like having a permanent toddler, but I'd not be without said dog for one moment!)

When you have kids you take on the obligation to put them first before yourself.

You owe it to them to bring them up to adulthood fully equipped to lead their own lives and to leave us.

Our reward is being privileged to have been entrusted with the care of these amazing creatures for a short time and hopefully the odd visit to good old mum!

They should never be used as a substitute for living our own lives.

Why does loving something equate to not living your own life? :)

They should never be used as a substitute for living our own lives

What is ones own life when one has multiple children?

I honestly don't see the issue.

You could have a child for a million reasons but as long as that child is safe, happy and loved every single one of those reasons are valid.

It is not wrong to want a child because you want to pass your love on to some one else and cherish them. Look at all the poor kids that get mistreated, put in care homes and forgotten about. And now idiot some is saying you shouldn't have Children because you want to share your love.

For a parenting site there are some really judgemental parents who think that they are picture perfect when in fact no fucker is.

It doesn't wet

The majority of normal folk can have a child because they just purely want a baby to snuggle and love with out being Norman Bates mother.

Kids grow up and it's much easier to let them if you have something else in your life apart from them. Or you could end up as that clingy parent begging your DCs not to leave you. Not nice.

And yes, even with multiple kids it can be done. Probably not while they are all very small but when they start to get older and more independent that is when you can start getting your own life back.

Not sure why I have annoyed some of you, is it a bad thing for a parent to want their own life?

Wet, where did I say that?

I knew even as a child that I'd love to have children and see them grow together. It felt like a natural process. Now I have two DCs it's brilliant and awful drudgery at the same time, and still feels natural. I don't suffocatingly love them, but I'd die for them if they needed pushing out of the way of a train. I don't expect them to love me, but it feels amazing when they do.
I have a spoilt pet for more 'basic' love - I feed her and she loves me.

"To have something to love" just sounds like there's a huge hole in your life and you're looking for something (anything) to fill it. A dog would fit the bill nicely.

I dunno. I could think of worse reasons to have children than in order to love them.