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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had children for something to love?

111 replies

Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 09:45

AIBU to think this is why most people have children?

I've heard it said there's something wrong with this - is there? What?

OP posts:
leelu66 · 02/06/2016 10:44

Need what were the other reasons you had children?

contrary13 · 02/06/2016 10:45

Neither of my children should be here, the amount of precautions that were being taken to prevent pregnancy. I was terrified of being a mother because of my own mother's lack of maternal instincts... now she complains that I'm "too maternal" (because I freely admit I will fight to the death for either/both of them!)

I didn't want children. But I'm glad I had them. Why? Because watching them grow, and develop into individual, fascinating to talk to human beings...? With their own personalities and opinions...? Looking at my DD and seeing my own physical features, 20 years younger... and knowing that she has the self-confidence/esteem to be as beautiful as she actually is (she only has my nose and face shape, that's it, the rest is my Gran's features) when I didn't at that age. Looking at my DS (who is the image of his paternal aunt physically) and listening to him pontificate and knowing that his personality is me at that age...? It makes me marvel at how genetics - that whole nature/nurture thing - work.

Yeah. Why don't we all just admit it? We have children for narcissistic reasons. We don't have them for something/one to love (because believe me: children do not necessarily love their mothers...), we have them because we want parts of us to live on through the years, when we're pushing up daisies ourselves.

Dogs are easier. And at least their love is unconditional towards us! Grin

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 02/06/2016 10:46

I had a child because I felt a strong biological imperative to, I wanted to have a purpose and meaning in my life and I believed it would make me happy. I think those reasons are quite common and normal.
I didn't have a child with the purpose of having someone to love me, or someone to love. I have people who love me and people who I love. When people lack both and have children to fill the gap they are often disappointed.

NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 10:48

Need what were the other reasons you had children?

I don't know. I had children because I wanted them. It was nothing to do with wanting something to love. I had a dog at the time that was my baby and I loved him dearly. My children mean the world to me but when someone asks "why did you want children" the answer is because I wanted them. There is no why about that

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 10:48

I find my dog ten times harder than children! Believe me, if I could find someone to carry them for me in pregnancy I'd rather have another baby than another dog Grin

Contrary I'm not sure that works given the love some parents have for adopted and step children and those conceived from donor eggs or donor sperm. I don't think genetics has to have anything to do with it, really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wetbankhols · 02/06/2016 10:49

So what should someone do Lady if they have no one who loves them? Remain childless because it isn't fair on the children?

OP posts:
Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 10:54

If you don't know why you wanted them you can't say it definitely wasn't X reason. And you really can't look down on other peoples reasons if you don't have any of your own.

Who cares why anyone has children? They just do. It doesn't make any difference why.

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 10:55

A child is more than just a "something". The child is a living, talking human being and they don't stay small forever and not like a toy as you are suggesting. I think you need to review your theory

Not BEFORE they exist. They aren't anything before that. They are something, they are a concept, and idea.

NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 10:56

I don't look down on them!

If that's their reasons for having a baby so be it. I just said to me that's not a good reason to have a baby. But that is MY choice

EatShitDerek · 02/06/2016 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 11:01

How is telling someone the reason they had their kids was a poor one NOT looking down on them? Hmm

TheCladdagh · 02/06/2016 11:01

I did it really for the child benefit

£20 a week equals a bottle of rum a week

Grin

Why rum, though?

WorraLiberty · 02/06/2016 11:02

It's more than about just something to love, because before I had my kids, I had lots of things and people to love.

I'm not quite sure what it is though, or how to explain it Confused

NeedACleverNN · 02/06/2016 11:06

How is telling someone the reason they had their kids was a poor one NOT looking down on them?

How IS it looking down on them?! Why are you twisting my words? I don't like wine and for me drinking wine in the evening as a relaxation thing is a waste of time. Does that mean I think everyone who relaxes with a glass of wine wasting their time? No. It's what works for then

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 11:07

Eat "Made to feel like it was something I couldn't do. "

I'm really sorry to hear that. I find it heartbreaking when people have children they don't want - I mean for the parent rather than for the child. Especially if there was no support for abortion, that's terrible.

OP - I don't think there's any good reason for having children but I think wanting something to love sounds a bit pathetic and possibly quite overwhelming for the child - it always makes it sound like the child will be burdened as the reason for the parent's existence or happiness. I may be projecting because that's how my mum is with me and it is stifling. Beyond stifling.

weeblueberry · 02/06/2016 11:07

I had lots of love in my life already when I had my children. I have a fabulous family, incredible parents and a partner I'm very lucky to have. It wasn't that I needed/wanted something else to love.

For me, having children was ultimately a primal feeling. I'd known as long as I could remember that I wanted to have children and was very lucky to have them easily.

Having them is both better and worse than I could have ever imagined. The only thing harder than physically having them has been parenting them. Wink

RosieThorn · 02/06/2016 11:07

I had DS as an outlet for love - had met DH, built a happy home (dog included) full of love and wanted to add another being to share in it because I believed (and still do) that DH and I could give a child a happy home and plenty of love. I don't need DS to love me, but I cannot help but love him. I think there's a big difference between wanting to love and wanting to be loved.

MunchCrunch01 · 02/06/2016 11:07

i don't even thing it was conscious for me, babies were a fundamental urge - I wasn't interested til I hit my late 20s, then all of a sudden it was what I wanted right now. I'm much happier on a fundamental level now - there's nothing wrong with wanting something to love, BUT it's a problem if you think it's going to be easy or you're mainly doing it because of the benefits to you.

MistressDeeCee · 02/06/2016 11:08

someone was saying someone else had children just for something to love and look after.

They are judging what, exactly?As long as a child is loved cherished well cared for I don't see that it matters why you had the child, who is to say what is the "best" reason anyway? Having the perfect reason (whatever that is!) to have a child doesn't mean you will do better than someone who had a child for another reason at all

GirlOutNumbered · 02/06/2016 11:09

I never wanted children, until I met my DH. He already had a son and I was just bowled over by their connection.
We now have two more boys. It's an ongoing rollercoaster of fear and love. Amazing.

MunchCrunch01 · 02/06/2016 11:09

now I have the same urge about a dc3 but it's completely unrealistic - it's going to be a long wait for grand babies!

TheWordOfBagheera · 02/06/2016 11:15

I think there's a stark difference between choosing to have a baby because you like the idea of having a loving family of your own, versus feeling very lonely and insecure and wanting a baby to fill that void and make them feel needed.

The latter is what I think of when I hear of 'having children for something to love', like it's a cure for unhappiness rather than just a nice happy thing to do.

splendide · 02/06/2016 11:18

I think I did it because it seemed like a huge and interesting experience. I also was worried that I'd regret it if I didn't. There was also a sort of feeling of being in a rut (albeit an extremely happy rut actually).

I didn't feel a particular biological urge and I was 35 so presumably if it hadn't hit by then it wasn't going to.

I loved being pregnant then hated having a newborn and bitterly regretted the whole project for about 9 months. Now I'm really glad I did it.

Ivegotyourgoat · 02/06/2016 11:18

I agree with a pp who said it doesn't matter why you had children, as long as they're loved and looked after.

There's unlikely to be one reason alone anyway.

EatShitDerek · 02/06/2016 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.