To have had children for something to love?

[Wetbankhols]

AIBU to think this is why most people have children?

I've heard it said there's something wrong with this - is there? What?

Kids grow up and it's much easier to let them if you have something else in your life apart from them

Come on how many women do you think that applies too. And what does it even mean ? Shoukd people take a questionnaire on whether there reasons for wanting a child (regardless that it's actually a very primaries need/want) is morally correct ?

It might be a surprise that most women can actually want and have both - a life and a child should you only ever have a child if your not that really 'arsed' any way - just do your not a clingy mother living her life through her kid. What a bizzaire Why of thinking and judging.

It might sound weird molly to you but others it's a reasonable choice. Any way some folk are not pet enthusiasts and it's a bloody poor second best: a child or a dog/cat/hamster

Some posters have such a black and white view in the world it really is scary.

** i am aware my spelling is appalling.

Well I had my DD for some to love and to be loved back.
I think it stemmed from being a bullied as a teen. I wanted something that was going to love me unconditionally. We all have our reasons

I don't know why my parents had children and I'm fairly sure they couldn't say why they did either - they just did.

Thing is, the idea of 'wanting' or planning a child is an incredibly recent phenomenon. For women before the 20th century and arguably before the pill, pregnancy was just something that happened rather than being debated or considered as part of life plan.

Even amongst my parents generation - born early 50s - who were the first generation to access the pill, its benefits were couched in terms of of limiting family size or delaying pregnancy until it was convenient, rather than remaining child free.

Certainly my parents - neither of whom had a deep yearning for children - never actively contemplated remaining childfree and sort of stumbled ito parenthood as it was 'what you did'.

That's true to some extent but fertility decline began during the 19th century in Europe. Withdrawal is pretty effective...

What I do find semi-confusing about this issue is the presumption that if you love your children and YOU thrive off that love, rather than it being purely selfish, that's automatically a bad thing.

If, in twenty-five years' time, my child told me excitedly she was moving to Canada, I'd be thrilled for her, because it was something she'd WANT :) And a few oceans wouldn't matter.

If someone told me tomorrow my child was in a terrible accident and had survived but would always remain dependent and helpless I'd be devastated (whilst also fully committed to caring for them of course.)

To be frank, it's a bit insulting to be told 'get a dog.' I like dogs, but I didn't carry my dog in my body, feed her from my body or know she's a part of me. And I am ridiculously soppy about my dog and cats

I do understand there is a point where love can become toxic - if it's used for control 'do that and Mummy won't love you' or to stifle 'Mummy needs you at home' but I'm not like that, as I hope my above examples show. But I do know if I hadn't had children I would be approaching a lonely middle age and old age.

Well said wetbank I did have a huge gaping hole in my life before I had our son. Despite having a partner, amazing parents, siblings, partner's family, friends, colleagues, fulfilling career, veg patch and a gaggle of pets, including the dog. The point is that it was a child-shaped gap, that couldn't be filled by anything less.
I wanted a child to love, and I wanted to experience being loved by my child. What's not to get about that? It's not entirely selfless, no. But hoping that a child will love you back, which let's face it is usually what happens, is the amazing payback we get for sacrificing so much and working so hard for our children. Most of us are able to balance the itense love we have for our children with our desire to see them gain independence and ultimately leave us. As another poster said, we don't all turn into Norman Bates' mother.

pilpiloni I agree. In fact I struggle to think of a better reason to have a child than to love him/her!
molly seriously? I do not know a single parent who would say that if they felt a hole in their life before having kids, that that hole could have been filled by a dog. A dog. Vs a child. Just linger on that for a few moments.
So if having a child in order to love him/her is a wrong reason reason to have a child, can anyone say what is a right reason to have a child?

Well, I really don't like dogs. Babies were a much better choice.

I think it's really hard to adequately explain why we want children. Neither of my children or my current pregnancy were planned (my body seems to defy contraception!) but each time as soon as I found out I felt a desperate and overwhelming want to keep each baby. I knew it was right and that I wanted them but I can't explain why.

I think that when people explain why they want children it's so impossible to articulate the feelings around it that they come up with little sound bites such as 'I wanted someone to love' which can easily sound wrong to others who wouldn't put it that way but I think it's probably an inability to explain it properly rather than literally because they were starved of love.

There are people on this thread saying they had a baby because it felt like the 'next step' which to me sounds like an awful reason to have a baby - like it was all a box-ticking exercise and nothing to do with wanting to meet, love and nurture a human being. Having a baby to love seems, to me, a much better reason than just because it's the done thing after marriage. But I recognise that it's probably not how those posters meant it, again it's just hard to articulate and so when someone's crap explanation of the feelings that made them want a baby don't match your own crap explanation of why you wanted a baby it's easy to judge their reason as being a bit, well, crap. But I genuinely think the problem is not having the words in the English language to explain nor the ability to truly understand the complex hormonal, biological and emotional reasons that drive us into wanting children.

I mean all creatures are driven to reproduce and let's be honest, most species are not doing it for a 'reason,' a fish or a beetle or a hedgehog is not sitting there deciding whether to have kids or not or weighing up why they want them. They're animals driven by biological animal impulses and humans are the same, it's just in our nature to try and add some logic or reason to those behaviours.

I've posted quite a bit on here about my wanting children. I have depression and anxiety and a few posters have said I shouldn't have children until I've recovered. I likely never will, so does that mean I shouldn't have children?

I don't think it's fair on the child to expect them to fulfill you, and some posters have wrongly assumed I want a baby as a 'sticking plaster'. I've wanted to be a mum since I was very young and I'm very maternal. I just think as long as you have the child's best interests at heart, it shouldn't matter. I know that I will do my best if i'm ever lucky enough to have children and they will be very loved.

I don't know anyone either, MumonaCornishFarm. Which seems to indicate we're relatively well adjusted. I think. I was referring to people with totally crap, empty lives; imagining that having a child would counteract the bleakness.
Op specifically said for something to love. That conjours up an image of a person living a very empty unfulfilled life.

Biological imperative. I just wanted them. I already had a wonderful husband and dogs whom I loved at the time so kids weren't filling any void.

I did have children partly so I could give them a happy childhood and therefore heal myself after a stressful and abusive childhood. It has worked

Flowers, with the greatest possible respect, I've read a number of your threads on the subject, and, for all your protests that you do not want a baby as a 'sticking plaster', your posts all suggest that this is exactly what you want, because they all begin with lengthy descriptions of how limited and unhappy your life currently is before going on to talk about wanting to have a child. No, no one should be required to prove incandescently good MH before conceiving, but as virtually every single poster who has responded to your numerous threads has said, you need to get yourself far more stable for your own sake before contemplating having a baby.

And honestly, I don't think 'love' is enough. I have several friends who have adopted children whose birth parents, I'm sure, genuinely loved them, and were in anguish when they were taken into care, but couldn't translate that love into being able to give their children stable lives.

I have a physical and emotional desire to have a child. It wasn't for something to love or care for.

Also if you are unhappy with your life having a child will not sort that out.

Yeah. Why don't we all just admit it? We have children for narcissistic reasons. We don't have them for something/one to love (because believe me: children do not necessarily love their mothers...), we have them because we want parts of us to live on through the years, when we're pushing up daisies ourselves.

I don't ever look at my children and think "there's a piece of me". They are individuals, completely, and that was my perception of them the first time I saw them.

" I think personally I'd find it difficult to be really happy without having experienced parenthood."

If you dont have that choice due to infertility, then you can either spend your life unhappy, or make a life that for yourself that doesnt involve having children.

It has taken me the last few years to come to terms with the fact that its now too late for me to have a baby, too old for IVF, wasted 15 years with a man who frankly I am glad I didnt have children with anyway as it would have tied me to him for life.

Im still not completely "over" it, but I am a lot happier than I was. It is very hard though as I never saw my future as a woman who didnt have children.

I think that anyone who says "if you want something to love get a dog" is being hugely insulting to the human race if they think a dog can in any way be a good substitute for a child. They can't even speak ffs and they remain dependent on you for their entire lives.

DH and I thought long and hard before TTC. We figured that we would grow as people and in relation to each other if we raised a child together. We probably did feel that we had done most of the other "fulfilling" stuff already (travel, careers, hobbies etc) and we're looking for a new thing to do together, seemed like the obvious choice. Can't say yet if it was the right one as the baby won't be born for another 2 months..

Eatshitderek I think I love you!

And yes, even with multiple kids it can be done. Probably not while they are all very small but when they start to get older and more independent that is when you can start getting your own life back

Not sure why I have annoyed some of you, is it a bad thing for a parent to want their own life?

Because why the need to seperate the children from "having your own life"? I have my own life, I was a person long before I had children, still am now, and presumably will continue to be an individual long after they leave home. Why does it have to be this idea that you put your own life on hold to have children, that you need to "get back" later on?
You may feel like you ceased to have a life once you had children, I certainly don't, and I have lots of them. They added to my life, they didn't destroy it or set it aside.

For me it was an overwhelmingly instinctive urge - I'd never remotely considered myself particularly maternal, let alone thought about what it was to 'love' a child. Only when I'd had ds did I truly understand the all consuming strength of love that a mother has for her child. I have no idea what we did with our time and energy before, in hindsight it was empty - though it never actually felt that way at the time. I feel like I've known ds all my life instead of the 5 years I've actually known him. So no, love didn't really come into it because before you have a child you cannot completely grasp how it feels to love a child, you only have a romanticised idea of how it might feel.

I do agree with having other things in your life when the kids fly the nest too. I had a hormonal moment last night when I suddenly thought "shit! How am I going to feel when they leave and make their own lives? It'll happen sooner than I know!" My mum always says that being a parent is 'first you give them roots, then you give them wings'. That makes me quite tearful but is very apt.

If course it's OK to want to have children so you can love them! Far better than having them because it's next on your life 'to do' list. They need your love, which it is a parent's joy to give.

The problem comes from the implication that the parent in question had nothing else to love or be loved by. So although having children is always to some extent about your desires and needs, that sounds like an extreme example and a rather isolated world to bring a child into.

It sounds like a very judgy comment that no one should really make though.

Kimono - never said you can't love a child and have a life of your own, just said it is dangerous to make children the sole focus of your life as it is guaranteed that they will eventually leave.

Yes I do know women like that. They try to cling onto their DC and make them feel guilty for having their own lives. Then they start demanding grandchildren so they can start the whole process again. I don't want to be one of them.

Doesn't mean I don't love my kids FFS, I just don't want feeling guilty about leaving me to stop them living their lives.

LittleLion, so true! You have a very wise mum!