To not want to make friends

[R2G]

We have new neighbours. I'm realiy busy working full time and bringing up my children. I live where I grew up I have all my friends and family still here and busy if I have a moment seeing them. If I have another moment I like my own company and to do housework. The new Neighbour is trying really hard to make friends, keeps inviting me for coffees, BBQs. She knows I have a free weekend I'm really enjoying catching up with my friends, getting salon treatments, watching movies. She asked if I was free for brunch I said no as I had an appointment. She messaged at midday saying your car is there did you go to your appointment? I said its at 1 just leaving shortly but didnt think I'd have time beforehand. She then asked did I have time tomorrow or Monday. I've agreed to tomorrow now. My husband keeps saying 'she's just being friendly'. I think it's worse to try and be friends when I really don't have time for her, or to hang out. I'm not one for 'drop in for a coffee' as she keeps texting 'are you off? Can hear the radio. Drop in'. I feel under pressure to be her friend as she is new to the area. AIBU

Aw maybe she is lonely!
Invite her along with you when you go out?

Can you not just go for one coffee? You might really like her.

What a warm welcome you are providing! It won't kill you and you never know when, if you get on with her, etc, you might need her.

That would annoy me. I like my privacy too. Think you are just going to have to keep saying no - she'll get the message.

You never know when you might need your neighbours. Give it a try.

As a side note, nothing is more small minded than 'I've got my friends, don't need more'. The world is full of spice and variety and new excitement. If you stay closed, you'll miss a lot of what it has to offer.

I know that's what I mean she probably is. I don't want to her invite her. I have a small group of friends I've had for twenty years- they wouldn't want a new friend either. It's just that way where you have so much history and I don't have the time or inclination to have a new friend. That is why I feel under pressure - I can see what she is doing and why, but there will be other mums new to the area or who are at home with the children in the day who enjoy coffee etc. I work a 50/60 hour week and don't have time to pop in etc etc barely have time to say hello - even that annoys me having to stop and chat on the path. I'm trying to go somewhere. I just don't have lots of spare time.

Imagine, you could have a nightmare neighbour who played music till all hours, was horrid etc. You are very lucky really. It's nice to be nice!

Ummm.

The bit where she monitors your comings and goings and chivvies you about it - rather than taking a hint - makes her sound like a pita.

It would be kind of you to get a coffee with her - even just once. But I would make it at a coffee shop (not your favourite), rather than letting her in your home. And her social life is not your responsibility - she has more than one neighbour, right?

Overall, YANBU.

I think she'll get the message soon enough op that she might as well cut her losses with you.

I am nice to her. Took her a box of groceries when she moved in. Lend her mower. Took them fireworks and an elf on the shelf at Christmas. Took her all my sons old clothes. Don't get me wrong I'm not a small minded person. I just don't want to encourage her, when I know I am not someone who has the time or the inclination to be sociable. On the other side I visit my elderly Neighbour each night that her son cannot go due to his job. I'm not unfriendly. Just don't want my spare time filled like sand with chatting and coffee

But why should the OP invite her along or give her a chance, etc? She doesn't want to be friends. Why should OP have to put up with someone just because they may be lonely or pushing themselves upon people. It's not her problem.

Yanbu. This would really annoy me too. Her listening through your walls and monitoring your car is just weird.

I know you seem like your schedule is a bit full but she does sound lonely and maybe it would be good to be on good terms with your neighbour - makes life easier even if you don't want to be close or owt.
I would find it slightly unnerving that she is a bit 'keeping tabs on you' when you've clearly said no. Give it a try though, not because you you're going to be best friends but because its a nice thing to do, you might be surprised and it's very useful.

Yes the NotoriousPMT, she invited me in when she first moved in. We helped her father move a sofa and I also gave her some curtains we are no longer using so had a coffee then. I'm going to go tomorrow as I've agreed to now - but kind of under pressure to be something more than I want to be. That's it - I don't want to introduce her to my social life. I have a small group of friends. Will help anyone in need etc, but don't want a new social friend because I don't have time enough for my children and own nieces and nephews and brothers and sisters who all live in the local area.

I'm happy to be useful. Just now tomorrow the whole morning will be taken up. Before I know it the children and husband will be back and I've spent it having brunch.

The fact that you were so friendly to begin with probably encouraged her and if she speaks to your elderly neighbour probably thinks you have free time. Checking that your cars there or whatever is creepy it's none of her business what you're doing. Personally I'd just text her and say something like 'I appreciate you inviting me round but to be honest I'm so busy at the moment, I'll text you when I'm free for a coffee' I'm not being funny but if I'm watching Netflix eating pizza I'm busy, you shouldn't have to defend your reasons for being at home!

I hope your new neighbour hasn't moved to a small place where everyone is either related somehow or went to school together. Nothing as lonely as being on the outside of a group of people happy just as they are so backs turned to the newbie.

No it's a large town Zucker and most local mums are not from here that I met on maternity and so on and it is well served for church play mornings and things for the area.

Go, but not for the whole morning?

Also I haven't turned my back on her. I went straight round with our phone number for emergencies because she's on her own and the other things I described. I didn't say 'oh we must go out' or anything like that. I am friendly towards her and interested in her children. But that's it.

I know she's set it for 10 as she has something to do and it's 'brunch'. FFS this is what I mean it's on her terms her time. I'm normally up at 6 doing a HIIT workout then eat.

You started it I'm afraid. The things u did at start are def beyond being neighbourly and more gestures of friendship

This is what stresses me out. The kind of 'thanks I don't want to do this again' and then she sees me going out etc, going camping but that is my group of friends and they wouldn't want a new person in our group either so it wouldn't even be kind to invite her along. In my own family that's just my family and do a lot with my mum and sister. This is what's stressing me, I don't want to upset her or be not nice. I have welcomed her and let her know I'm here as a Neighbour.

YANBU on the one hand - it would drive me bonkers to have someone openly monitoring my movements like that. She is overstepping there.

OTOH I agree that the 'we've got our friends, don't want anyone new intruding' attitude of your circle is dreadful, and very parochial.

I've been the 'new neighbour' more than once and while I would never be as intense with someone as she is being with you (partly because I wouldn't want that much contact myself), I would not be impressed to find myself discounted and excluded because I hadn't been to primary school with you all. But it'd be your loss

Really Rubble? Single mum moves in and we sit back and watch a 70 year old about man and her with two toddlers running about trying to shove a sofa through the door. We pull up from Asda and my 6'4 husband and I should ignore her and not help with the sofa? Then she tells us no curtains yet and I say oh go and get ours we have spares. Then she tells me her boys are growing so fast and I say oh well if you'd like a bag of next size...

I think l'd suggest 'booking her in' . What l mean is giving her a date when you are free. Put the power back in your hands. You can set the time too. I'm suggesting this, as l don't think she is going to give up any time soon & you sound concerned.
I think she sounds really friendly and over enthusiastic!

I know you shouldn't have to do anything - but l think that is a little simplistic. Especially when she is living so close. With you making the arrangements, it might calm her, or... put her off. Both options are a (kind of) solution!