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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to make friends

117 replies

R2G · 28/05/2016 19:16

We have new neighbours. I'm realiy busy working full time and bringing up my children. I live where I grew up I have all my friends and family still here and busy if I have a moment seeing them. If I have another moment I like my own company and to do housework. The new Neighbour is trying really hard to make friends, keeps inviting me for coffees, BBQs. She knows I have a free weekend I'm really enjoying catching up with my friends, getting salon treatments, watching movies. She asked if I was free for brunch I said no as I had an appointment. She messaged at midday saying your car is there did you go to your appointment? I said its at 1 just leaving shortly but didnt think I'd have time beforehand. She then asked did I have time tomorrow or Monday. I've agreed to tomorrow now. My husband keeps saying 'she's just being friendly'. I think it's worse to try and be friends when I really don't have time for her, or to hang out. I'm not one for 'drop in for a coffee' as she keeps texting 'are you off? Can hear the radio. Drop in'. I feel under pressure to be her friend as she is new to the area. AIBU

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 28/05/2016 19:48

Sofa is neighbourly. Curtains and clothes very friendly I think

Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 19:49

They just literally moved in, sent one of the kids back with some milk bread tea eggs and beans, she text to say thank I said no worries. Then at bonfire night Xmas I took a £3 box of fireworks (on our way out to a display with my family) and an old elf that my kids didnt believe in hers are a bit younger. I think that's neighborly

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 19:51

Thank you nanetrise that is helpful

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 19:55

Hetero - it's not as you describe. It's a large town. My friends live twenty minutes either side. She doesn't see them all at the school gates or something and we all turn our back. I am saying I have a close group of school friends. Two currently have cancer, one getting divorced, one having an affair, one having IVF, one gay and struggling to meet someone who wants a family.., we see each other maybe twice a month. This is the depth and privacy of our conversation. We have been friends for thirty years. If someone was sat with us, we would not be rude in any way. I just mean I don't want to pretend to be all 'oh come along you're welcome' when she isn't and would be better placed building her own networks.

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Myusernameismyusername · 28/05/2016 19:59

I see you trying to defend your feelings you don't have to do that. If you don't want to be friends then you have 2 options. Totally blank her or just tell her outright.

Lonely or weird or whatever, you can speculate all you like but it doesn't help you. You just have to take the bull by the horns and tell her to her face. It's maybe kinder than blowing her off and hoping she will get the message if she has had mixed signals. Or ignore her and unfortunately maybe you will feel guilty about it but I don't know what other options you really have!

1busybee · 28/05/2016 19:59

Could you go around tomorrow armed with a list of local groups.......maybe she just wants some local company. Or do you know any other people, not in your tight knit group, that might have similar interests that you could introduce her to?

Yika · 28/05/2016 20:00

YANBU. It would really get on my wick that she is monitoring when you are there. You are under absolutely no obligation to be her friend. You have shown yourself to be a good and kind neighbour. You don't have to be any more than that.

ilovesooty · 28/05/2016 20:01

I think she'll get the message soon enough op that she might as well cut her losses with you

Yes, I imagine so.

Vagndidit · 28/05/2016 20:01

Do you live in Norfolk, Op? Hmm'Cuz that sort of welcoming attitude is all over these parts.

Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:03

Yes I'm a bit socially awkward and dreading the 'lets do this again'. I think I'll just say 'I would really like that I just find it hard to fit stuff in so I hope I don't offend you if I'm not very sociable.'

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:04

Busy bee. There is another Neighbour I know goes to the same gym as her so thought i might see if she can come in the morning and then they can be friends maybe.

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:06

Thanks Yika

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:09

I'm not unwelcoming Vag. I don't want to be more than a Neighbour because I work full time and have not enough time for the people I love and care for. If I'm resting or working at home I don't want her knocking for a coffee. I also can see why she is doing what she is doing and it is dressing me trying not to hurt her feelings.

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barbecue · 28/05/2016 20:09

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a longstanding group of friends or be anywhere near their family or old friends. So your neighbour isn't being at all unreasonable to be looking for new friends, acquaintances, friendly neighbours. There is something a bit "I'm all right Jack" with people who boast they have enough friends/family and don't want anyone else "intruding". It can also be interesting to have friends from more than one circle. But it sounds like you've made up your mind, so I think she'll get the message soon.

Cocochoco · 28/05/2016 20:10

You sound like my perfect neighbour - friendly and nice but not up for being best friends! Cancel tomorrow with a 'sorry, got loads to catch up on' and then be friendly but vague. No reason to hang out if you don't want to.

Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:12

It's not I'm alright Jack. It's I want to have enough time to support my friends and family. I have done what I can as a Neighbour. It's I want to spend Sunday with my own kids not having a BBQ with yours because I can be working away 3 days and haven't seen them. It's yes I have the radio but I am ironing for my family for the week not I have three hours to have a coffee.

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:13

By the way I'm not boasting. That's your projection.

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Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:13

Thanks Coco. I can't cancel it's not fair but I think I will see if the other Neighbour is free.

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HeffalumpHistory · 28/05/2016 20:15

You can't be forced to be friends with someone you don't want to but I can see why she'd think you are friends. The sofa/curtains and maybe even the milk when moved in could all be seen as neighbourly but the rest is kind of going over & above as a neighbour.

Maybe suggest she goes to some groups/classes or something where she can meet some people & build her own circle of local friends.

She sounds full on but I've been the new person in a new town & it can be very lonely, especially with children so not as easy to do some things. I can see why she might latch on.

I hope you have a nice time tomorrow and are able to politely but firmly tell her to back off

witsender · 28/05/2016 20:18

Surely you can be up at 6 and do what you do, then meet her at 10...is there a reason you can't do both?

Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:19

Thanks Heffa. Yes I can totally understand where she's coming from. I was a single parent with my oldest son for many years and wanted to reassure her that she could be safe and happy in her new home.

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spanky2 · 28/05/2016 20:19

I feel sorry for her. You seem abit closed off. Cliquey. She's being friendly. Why are you so negative and sending mixed messages? You gave her a lovely selection of gifts which is really special feeling making and then when she tries to repay the courtesy with brunch etc, you drop her like shit on a stick!

Original poster
R2G · 28/05/2016 20:20

Wits. Yes I can but for the first time in months all the children are away. I wanted to watch titanic and just enjoy my own company

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BeatricePotter · 28/05/2016 20:21

If it were me then I would be clearer....

So, when she asks if you would like to go for brunch tomorrow. Say you don't 'do brunch'/are very busy and can't do that/need to check your diary. Later that day or tomorrow, give her a few dates/times that are convenient to you to go for coffee. If and when you go, make it clear that you need to leave at a certain time to collect Fido from the vet/help your granny with her shopping/pick the kids up from school/etc.

Never say yes or no on the spot. Check your diary and get back to her. It's your time, you spend it how and with who you want. You don't have to justify what you are doing. If you want to be 'busy' sitting on the sofa eating chocolate and watching Corrie then you are 'unavailable'.

To be honest, I would be wary of someone who makes comments like 'the car was on the drive'.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 28/05/2016 20:21

I am a sahm, mostly, student too but home a lot. I have several neighbours who have been plugging away at trying to make me more than just a neighbour since we moved here 6 years ago and it has slowly driven me nuts! I have ended up spinning some complicated excuses for why I can't do X today or Y tomorrow (rinse and repeat!)

I am lucky that my DH is Mr Sociable so he now goes to the mothers meetings that go on around here in my place, bless him. I just want to be left alone. That doesn't make me a bad person, I am perfectly happy to say hi at the school gates but I don't need to meet to walk to the school, I don't need to pop in for a coffee on the way passed, I certainly do not want them to pop in for a coffee at mine.

I tried to swap things around and invite one of them for a coffee once, on my terms, at my convenience, and made sure I told them how busy i was (which is a lie, I'm not, but I quite like not being busy!) Next thing I knew I had a whole group of them turn up at my door one day as I must be lonely with all my solitary pursuits! No, like I said, I like a lot of time to myself, now get off my doorstep!

I've been so concerned about hurting their feelings that my own have been trampled on. Cancel tomorrow op, and be as unavailable as possible going forward.

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