To not want to make friends

[R2G]

We have new neighbours. I'm realiy busy working full time and bringing up my children. I live where I grew up I have all my friends and family still here and busy if I have a moment seeing them. If I have another moment I like my own company and to do housework. The new Neighbour is trying really hard to make friends, keeps inviting me for coffees, BBQs. She knows I have a free weekend I'm really enjoying catching up with my friends, getting salon treatments, watching movies. She asked if I was free for brunch I said no as I had an appointment. She messaged at midday saying your car is there did you go to your appointment? I said its at 1 just leaving shortly but didnt think I'd have time beforehand. She then asked did I have time tomorrow or Monday. I've agreed to tomorrow now. My husband keeps saying 'she's just being friendly'. I think it's worse to try and be friends when I really don't have time for her, or to hang out. I'm not one for 'drop in for a coffee' as she keeps texting 'are you off? Can hear the radio. Drop in'. I feel under pressure to be her friend as she is new to the area. AIBU

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. You've posted in Aibu and I think you are- just trying to explain what it feels like to be a newbie in a new place when people don't really want to be your friend. If you don't want a range of opinions then it's not the place to ask.

No you're right I know nothing about stress, working full time and looking out for my own. (Works full time with 3 kids). Lots of people are busy in life.

I also feel for her.
To be clear I've not been popping in and out being super friendly.

1. We came home from supermarket. Her and her dad were struggling with sofa and a I think 3 and 4 year old- nursery and reception running about. We live on a main road where you park up on the pacemebt. We offered a lift with sofa, kept an eye on the children. My husband left. She offered me a coffee. She explained she was renting as newly single parent. Explained I'd been in that boat. Have her my number - for emergencies etc as she can't leave the house in the evening. Gave her the number of my babysitter. Said if she was stuck please ask, we would always help in an emergency. Admired her new place. She said she'd got everything but curtains at front window as it was wrong fixing. I said I had some spare from one of our tenants as have a rental had not wanted. Inexpensive, no issue - she was glad as had covering from main road from day one. Her dad and her discussed a takeaway, she said she wanted one but the kids wouldn't eat so the dad was off to shops. I said dont worry we've just been to asda I'll send a little bag with beans, bread tide you over to the morning. I left. One of kids got sent back. She texted thanks I said no problem and hope they all slept well In new house.
2. Her grass was very long, I know as single parent never get round to that job.. my husband did it while doing ours. She texts thanks and had yet to get law mower/ cost. I texted to please feel free to ask to borrow ours. Her dad knocks and we lend it. He does it for her.
3. I gave her a small box of fireworks. Her kids had noses pressed to their bedroom window while my older boy was doing a small box. We were leaving to go to an organised thing with family, in the way out I knocked on and said thougt you're kids might like these were leaving now so won't use.
4. Commented how tall her boy was for his age, she said he'd skipped the whole size she'd been stockpiling. I said would it help if I sent a bag round as had that next size ready for charity. My boys small for age.
5. Saw her on way from shopping madly excited children. My son said with eye roll about elf on the shelf visiting soon, they didnt know about it. He suggested wjen back in the house they have ours as he knows it's not real. I text and he went back round with it to her. She sent a pic of elf on the shelf - said lovely.

I don't think I've over encouraged. Just a few neighvourly interactions to help her or kids. As the months have got lighter she's not stopped asking me these last bank holidays and half terms. Camp, BBQ, drinks, exercise classes, coffees... this is stuff mums off in half term would do. I do suffer with stress and I'm not 'claiming' to be busy, unless you work full time you have no idea. It's now 3 am and I'm stressing about her and her bloody feelings. My husband took the boys away and I needed a break she's ruined it mithering every day when she knew I was alone.

Yes of course your busy something but then have space for new friends. I have two very poorly friends that need help with childcare, meals, listening. A very poorly elderly Neighbour. A break for my mum occasionally (disabled father). I could go on. I also need some time to myself. I did try to make her feel welcome, it's not my responsibility 6 months in when she has kids at school to fill her time. Yes, thank you for taking the time to give your opinion I did ask for it that is correct x

Don't stay awake stressing about her opinion, OP
She will be upset that you won't be friends, but you can't be everything to everyone, and she will get over it
It would be best to tell her that you are happy to help in emergencies and lending things e.g. lawnmower, but you don't have time for socialising
She will be disappointed but will make other friends

And the monitoring your movements is waaaay too far. I wouldn't respond to texts like that. Delete them, don't reply.

Honestly YANBU at all. I was very friendly with my previous neighbour as we had kids the same age, were on Mat leave together etc but once I went back to work full time I barely had time to catch up with them.

Week days became full and weekends were spent washing, visiting family and sorting stuff for the following week, spending time as a family.

Totally normal.

I'm more concerned now that you're gonna burn out op.

If everything you've said is true (and I'm not saying it isn't), you only allow yourself one week holiday a year, have no time to meet/nurture new friendships/interests and have never lived anywhere but home and uni!

Now I can only speak from my perspective of course (military brat and then military wife and only after then student and lp), I'd find such a narrow regimented existence deeply unfulfilling.

I have a small group of friends I've had for twenty years- they wouldn't want a new friend either. It's just that way where you have so much history and I don't have the time or inclination to have a new friend.

You and your group sound delightful.

I agree with baconyum

If what you say is true then you are going to burn yourself out very quickly.

YWBVU to give her an elf on the shelf! Unless it was requested!

Yanbu not to want to spend time with her.

She was unreasonable to seek explanations for your decline of her coffee invitation and to comment on your car being there!

Your working hours do sound a lot.

Slightly off topic but either you need to cut down the children's activities/shopping at the weekend or your dh needs to do more. Come Saturday you should be having a few hours off while he steps up. I presume he doesn't help in any way during the week so weekends are when the balance needs to be restored. You won't be able to carry on at this pace for ever, seems very stressful

OP am completely with you. Its so irritating to feel being watched over by a neighbour/friend- noticing when my car is there or not/radio on, this is completely OTT!! She's crowded you in your own home and completely encroaching on your right to privacy. Your home is your place to come back to and crash, draw the curtains, feel safe and relaxed away from the world, not the moment you get back a neighbour is listening and watching out then pounces on you??! how can anyone think this is acceptable?
You are doing the right thing not getting too close as it would definitely escalate and she will get even more clingy.
I'd suggest a set date (next month) to meet, be friendly but keep it short and definitely make clear that your life is busy/hectic. I'd say something along the lines of "thats why I love living here, my home is my sanctuary, so love just getting home, drawing the curtains and feeling cut off from everyone/everything"... drop in other friends names/what you've done with them recently etc so she realises your social calendar is already pretty full up and gently back off.

Posted earlier but read your other posts now. I think you sound like you've been fairly neighbourly to me and quite thoughtful, sending little bits round and helping occasionally. I don't think it's rude of you to not want to become friends, thats your personal choice who you socialize with.
It is sad that she does seem like she wants some adult company but its not your responsibility to solve that if you cant, you have been kind and you shouldn't feel guilty or that you have to justify your decision to do other things. Hopefully she'll make some friends soon, maybe suggest or get some flyers for local mums groups to soften the blow?

I don't think you are being mean.

You have been very kind with what you have done for her and she will latch onto that as she wants to make friends. There is nothing wrong with her wanting that and there is nothing wrong with you not wanting that.

I too have a group of friends from our school days. We would not invite anyone else to our meetups - again due to the history between us all and what we discuss.

I would though do as suggested and signpost her towards social groups.

I think you are feeling miffed as you were looking forward to your time alone watching your film and this has now been bulldozed. Coupled with the fact that she is messaging you about seeing you at home etc. This would really annoy me!!

Be polite, be friendly but don't commit yourself to meeting up again unless you really want too.

Also, don't answer her messages questioning you to your whereabouts. It is none of her business!

You sound an absolute delight op. She is your neighbour, you never know, you might need her help sometime. Make time to go for coffee and get to know her, it's not a Maths exam for god sakes!!!!!!

Yanbu. I completely disagree with the comments saying this is your fault for having misled her- constant texts when you've declined several times and checking up on whether your car's there goes far beyond normal friendly reaching out. It's rude and aggressive. I think that telling her straight that you're extremely busy so don't have time to meet up is best.

Also - all those people saying that the op should meet up with her - did you miss the part where op works 50-60 hours a week? Add a conmute, ferrying kids to and from activities and housework and it's not exactly surprising the op finds that she doesn't have time to make new friends.

Just re read, you have done a lot for her, just be polite and keep declining, and hopefully she get the message. She does sound full on.

Yanbu, she sounds overbearing already and you might not get rid off her once you start. It's not compulsory in life to make friends with everyone you meet. You just need to be polite and civil, that's enough.
She sounds irritating actually with monitoring your comings and going. I have a full on week and good circle of friends, I just don't have the time to be making friendly with new people so I get it.

I'd find it quite unpleasant to have my movements tracked and questioned by a neighbour, I'd hate to have to justify having some quiet time to someone who really has no actual claim on my time.

I can understand the neighbour wanting to be friendly, but she's really being pushy. There are other ways to meet people that don't involve moving next door to them, but I think you're going to have to be a bit more direct and tell her that you don't really have time or inclination for socialising. She's not picking up on the hints.

When you're saying no, are you actually saying no, I can't do that, or are you making excuses? I find people can misunderstand the excuses and think they just need to be more persistent.

I'm glad that you aren't my neighbour.

make time to go for a coffee - don't be a bloody idiot on purpose, did you read OPs schedule? She absolutely does not have time. Time is not infinite nor stretchable.

OP ignore all the bullshit. You have every right to have your life as you want it to be. The whole point about getting yourself out there to find new friends is that you find other people who need or want friends too. You don't force yourself on people.

Friendship is not a service people are required to give. It involves time, effort, emotion and connection. Not just, you happen to live next door and I'm lonely so I'll latch on to you, you must give up what you want to make room for me.

I have a neighbour that just drops in. All the time. I've ended up actually hating the sound of her voice because my time and my home are not my own anymore. She doesn't even pause on the doorstep to give you a moment to rebuff her, just strides straight past. If you say 'oh I'm really busy' she says 'oh right I'll just sit here' and just dumps herself down on the sofa. If you give an inch OP she will take a mile - she's already invading on you by checking for your car and questioning what you've said about your movements - that's not the kind of friend I would want at all.

im glad that you aren't my neighbour yeah because OP has been such a bitch giving curtains, clothes, lawnmower, fireworks.. Grow up. Being a LP does not entitle you to things other people are not able to give.

Thanks everyone x Every second counts... spirit animal ha ha x
Bacon - no not deeply unfulfilled. We have a family holiday in the UK, usually, once a year we know UK & parts of Ireland well. I have freed myself from the burden of debt created by previous partner and built a lovely new life, had more children. Having a disabled brother gives many new horizons - we have been to Lourdes, a Paralympics in America, and I was his carer for a summer travelling in Europe, hosted families from all over the world with a disabled child. Don't need to uproot my existence to have broad horizons or feel limited.
Husband does lots. He takes the younger two out at the weekend to see his family/go swimming so that I can do the washing/ironing/cooking. He pays for a cleaner for three hours and he remembers she's coming and does the tidy up for her. He mows the lawn, washes the cars.
Oldest son is doing gcses don't put too much on him - but he does the bins and a few other jobs for me at the weekend - cleans the kitchen up is the main one x
I am rather stressed but don't burnout, because I have family close by to help. Husband has taken the children away this weekend to help me. Thanks for all your comments- yes, what I said is true as I described it. I will eventually cut down on working hours but I have built a career, which again has broadened horizons and it has also got me out of debt. I only went back to work when I became a single parent 11 years ago.