To not want to make friends

[R2G]

We have new neighbours. I'm realiy busy working full time and bringing up my children. I live where I grew up I have all my friends and family still here and busy if I have a moment seeing them. If I have another moment I like my own company and to do housework. The new Neighbour is trying really hard to make friends, keeps inviting me for coffees, BBQs. She knows I have a free weekend I'm really enjoying catching up with my friends, getting salon treatments, watching movies. She asked if I was free for brunch I said no as I had an appointment. She messaged at midday saying your car is there did you go to your appointment? I said its at 1 just leaving shortly but didnt think I'd have time beforehand. She then asked did I have time tomorrow or Monday. I've agreed to tomorrow now. My husband keeps saying 'she's just being friendly'. I think it's worse to try and be friends when I really don't have time for her, or to hang out. I'm not one for 'drop in for a coffee' as she keeps texting 'are you off? Can hear the radio. Drop in'. I feel under pressure to be her friend as she is new to the area. AIBU

well she's trying and she sounds like she could be a good neighbour. you just need to set the boundaries:

'hey this was great. let's do it again tues.'

'so sorry, i actually have zero free time between my job and family commitments. please don't be offended when i can't. that's just the way my life is at the moment. you're a great neighbour and I'm so pleased you've moved in. time is just not a luxury i have. [dm sad face.] have you tried going to x soft play or the new centre that's just opened?'

suggest a few things that you used to do with your kids when they were her kids' age.

make it clear you're not up for meeting and move conversation onto other things.

if she continues harassing you to meet up i'd take longer to respond to texts.

fact is you're absolutely allowed to not be friends. you don't want to and that's perfectly fine. it would be good to manage the rejection gently so you're still on good terms though.

I think you're being unkind and rather rude. You don't need to meet regularly, but surely you can spare half an hour once a week? Just keep saying you're busy in between, no need to give a reason.

Imagine how you would feel if you moved to a new area, had no friends and the neighbour who initially seemed friendly re-buffed all your attempts to meet up, even for a quick cup of tea. It's easy to be complacent when you have a tight network of old friends but try to see it from her POV.

It also pays to keep on good terms with neighbours.

If you go in to help your other neighbour, I wonder if it would be nice to take her in at the same time as an introduction. Then you could perhaps spend time visiting/helping your elderly neighbour together or in turn. That might make her feel more welcome and useful, and your elderly neighbour might be glad of the company.

Half an hour once a week is not what would happen though, is it, it's a couple of hours with someone who is not a friend.

OP, you don't sound parochial or strange or unfriendly to me. If you work full-time and have friends and relatives with lots of needs, then basically you would be dropping time with them or time you desperately need for yourself to please her.

You were very friendly when she moved in and I can see why she might think you want to make friends, so if you don't, you need to make that pretty clear by being unavailable for the foreseeable future.

I cannot understand why you would have weekly coffees with people who aren't your friends, that's a huge chunk of time when you are a working parent, and something hard enough to arrange with your very good friends of many years. It's sensible not to add to that with people who you either don't want to be really good friends with or just don't have time for- there's presumably plenty of other people who have hours for coffee to spend with random neighbours, as this thread illustrates.

You come across as a friendly neighbour.

Perhaps she is desperate for some adult company.

TBH, I could not cope with a weekly coffee morning thingy, it would do my head in.

Can't introduce her to my elderly Neighbour. I help when her son can't and it involves her personal care and helping her to bed. She has been housebound for three years and can't cope with much company. Years ago she would have loved to meet her and the children.

No. I don't have half an hour to spare that's why I get up so early. This is a rare weekend to myself. Very rare.

Well in that case I would just say when she says let's do it again-
To be totally honest I don't normally have time for coffee in the week. I'm run ragged most days blah blah. But I'll let you know if I have some time in the future. She will soon get the message.
It does seem a shame for her but she will meet others I'm sure.

Texting that your car is there or she can hear your radio is way too intense and stalker ish, I would not like it either.

I think you are completely reasonable OP. It is clear that you are a busy working parent and have to try hard to fit in seeing your existing family and friends, helping your elderly neighbour, exercise, housework and relaxing time. It would be daft to start socialising with a new person whom you haven't particularly clicked with when you are already so busy.

Her texting you commenting that your radio is on so you must be free, or that your car is in the drive so you haven't gone out, is WEIRD. I would be really irritated to be chased up like that. You have the right to determine how you spend your own time, if you say you are busy she is bloody unreasonable to check up on you!

I do think that all the kindness you showed when she first moved in gave her the wrong impression, as most of those things go above and beyond what a typical neighbour would do, so she may have misunderstood that you wanted to be friends.

I would turn down her invitations and try to avoid giving concrete reasons "no coffee on Tuesday doesn't work for me, generally I can't do coffees as I'm busy working, I'll let you know if I do have a free morning ever"

Continue to be pleasant but be really CLEAR about your time. If you don't have time you don't have time. I get where you're coming from. It is irritating to have to account for your movements all the time.

You've been friendly and your new neighbour is reading this as being friends. You can't just force these things. You don't have to immediately include her with your old friends. Of course not! But you can go for a coffee. Be friendly and BE CLEAR about your time when she asks. She is obviously not good at reading those social signals.

She will find others around with more in common, similar routines etc as time goes on and naturally gravitate to them. Maybe your friendship as 'neighbour friends' might grow in a genuine way as time passes. You never know.

Does she come from a different part of the country or a much smaller place than where she lives now?

Sometimes expectations are different, for example in a village where everyone knows each other, becomes friends with the people who are there because there aren't millions to choose from, and it's normal/kind to keep an eye on your neighbours.

It doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong, just different.

Yeah I think just different expectations. I've got other names been there twenty years all on great terms, cooked meals for me when my husband was ill, I have two neighbours keys etc but we don't socialise everyone else working. That's just out houses opposote and side. The road itself is a main road with about 60 houses.

Ie we definitely keep an eye on each other and super friendly neighbours but not popping in and out of each other. I have a few 'mum' friends but that's taking each others kids to sports, maybe once or twice been for a meal at Christmas or a 40th/50th. I have a few work friends and a group of friends from Uni who rarely see but are good friends. Just I'm not a very good in and out of houses etc person, I don't want that. If she needed her lawn mowing we'd help etc I just don't want to be close friends or really socialise

R2G any chance you can invite her round for a coffe and a chat when you're doing the ironing. That way you get your jobs done whilst being friendly.

I responded to the OP's first post - in subsequent posts it turns out the new neighbour has been there for over 6 months. Also turns out OP has been really neighbourly too.

Just tell her you have very little spare time so prefer to spend it catching up on stuff alone. And ask her to please stop monitoring your movements.

I don't think you're necessarily being unreasonable in this case as she seems to struggle with acceptable social boundaries.

But generally i've been a new neighbour as an adult 17 times, 4 of those as a LP. It gets harder as children get older to make new friends. It's also still really hard I think as a woman (and it SHOULDN'T be like this I agree but it still is) to go into eg a pub or restaurant alone. To make the first move speaking to people and so on. I've lived where I am now for 6 years. It's a very small town (my parents home town but I never lived here before), most people stick to family and friends they've had for years op.

Now it's not JUST on op it's on everyone with someone new in their community I think, to just be a little more open minded. Aside from anything else you might meet someone you get on really well with!

Yanbu. Of course your precious time should belong to you and you shouldn't have to justify it. The checking up on you would really piss me off, that is crossing a line. Tomorrow Wrt doing it again, I would clearly state, "thanks but Tbh I just don't have much spare time, even to see my close friends, and what time I have at home I of course want to use for my family or to relax."

I think yabu. Have you ever moved to a new place, been the new person in a town or country? I have several times and it's hard and lonely. Ive been in a new country for 3 mo months and I cry every day because I am homesick and everyone has all their friends. Lots of people are friendly but clear they've got their friends. It's hard, a friendly neighbour would make my year. Lucky you though having lots of nice friends in the town you've always lived must be nice.
Advice on mn is always to put yourself out there when you have moved somewhere new and don't have friends. When people like you don't have time to bother with a new friend it makes that really hard for the new person. Why would your life be so hard with a new friend in it?

Whatever Regina, you don't sound particularly joyful.

No waitingforsomething I haven't ever been the new person except at uni where everyone was in the same boat. Why would my life be so hard? I get up at 6 - exercise to cope with stress, shower, dressed. Children up at 7- fed, out for 7.30. Drop at breakfast club. Older son to school bus stop. Park on family members drive. Commute an hour to work. Work - usually no lunch break other than packed lunch at desk. If I take a break its to renew passports, exchange school trousers, post birthday card, buy birthday present. Call utilities company. Commute an hour home. Walk, collect car- family member understands, quick knock on door and hello. Drive to childminders. 6.30pm at home - on various days children have piano, footy, tutor. All home by 8. They've all eaten at childminder, son meal already prepared as makes his own way home. Youngest to more or less straight to bed ... check oldest sons homework. He goes up to read. Bout 8.30pm now - I usually have a day in London 2 hour commute - my mum will come to help that morning... So 8.30pm uniforms laid out, packed lunches, my clothes. Final chat with my son. That's all I see of him now for two days I go to London and he goes to his dad after school. 9pm my tea - husband home around now 2-3 nights. He's also away. Skip to Friday night. Zombie... Saturday morning - 2 to football, one to boxing. Saturday afternoon ... haircuts, shoe shopping, food shopping, taking to parties. Sunday - see family but also tesco shop delivered. Approx 3 hours cooking for the week (if I start cooking at 9pm during the week don't eat til 10), I talk to husband watch a bit of telly except twice a week at 10.30pm i spend half an hour helping my elderly neighbour to bed, my son at secondary school has a few meals made plus stuff he can grab to eat. He then washes up, husband has the two younger ones out mowing the lawn/swimming/visiting his fam. Then I have the washing and ironing and then it's Sunday night for it all to start again. I don't get any half terms off, have a week in the summer with the kids and rest of hols used at Xmas/ school plays/ appointments etc as husband can't predict with his work. If I take any time put to visit my proper friends I'm tired, and more stuff has to be squeezed in. Eg exercise goes to do the uniforms and packed lunch in the morning. If I see family at the weekend I have to squeeze in the cooking of meals/ ironing elsewhere... cue organised chaos for a week of takeaways and scrabbling for sports kits etc.
that is what is so hard about it. I don't have the time.

Just tell her then. Save her the angst and embarrassment of trying to be your friend. Sucks enough to be lonely in a new place (not that you would know about that feeling) without having to pick up on hints. If it would be so awful and hard to make room for another friend, which you've made clear to us that it is, then tell her you don't have time for a new friend and point her in the direction of where she might meet some friendly people.

Agree with those saying the things you did made it seem like you wanted to be friends. Never done any of that or had any of that done with me with neighbours so that was definitely mixed signals if you don't want to be friends with her.

Nobody has to be friends with anyone, but however busy you say you are there is always time to be made for people if you want there to be. If you don't you need to make it clear nicely that you don't want to be friends. But if it was me id give her a chance and maybe you'd enjoy having her as a friend.

Yes unfortunately I think you will need to spell it out for her. 'I'm sorry I just don't have the time, my family and friends are all I can handle time wise' then she'll know she isn't a friend and won't be one either. I think it's a shame, but if you know you don't want to be friends best not to have her think it's going to happen.

The watching your moves would be awful, I've had neighbors do that that weren't friends and it was creepy. You just have to be brutally honest, and tell her you get very little time to yourself and you don't want to do whatever she wants. If she brings up appointments just tell her in an exasperated voice that being watched is making you really uncomfortable and you don't appreciate it.

Personally I feel for her.

Well it doesn't sound like you know much about stress, working full time and taking care of your own first. If I was doing a good enough job at that I might have time to point her in the direction of the school where her two children go and make some friends. She's been her 6 months. I've obviously been so unfriendly by being a good Neighbour. I'm sorry to hear you are lonely and think you are therefore projecting a massive guilt trip In my direction.
Lucky me staying local.its a choice. I sit on a train for 10 hours to stay there.