To not want to make friends

[R2G]

We have new neighbours. I'm realiy busy working full time and bringing up my children. I live where I grew up I have all my friends and family still here and busy if I have a moment seeing them. If I have another moment I like my own company and to do housework. The new Neighbour is trying really hard to make friends, keeps inviting me for coffees, BBQs. She knows I have a free weekend I'm really enjoying catching up with my friends, getting salon treatments, watching movies. She asked if I was free for brunch I said no as I had an appointment. She messaged at midday saying your car is there did you go to your appointment? I said its at 1 just leaving shortly but didnt think I'd have time beforehand. She then asked did I have time tomorrow or Monday. I've agreed to tomorrow now. My husband keeps saying 'she's just being friendly'. I think it's worse to try and be friends when I really don't have time for her, or to hang out. I'm not one for 'drop in for a coffee' as she keeps texting 'are you off? Can hear the radio. Drop in'. I feel under pressure to be her friend as she is new to the area. AIBU

Well said Mykingdom ! I'm astonished at the amount of people coming on here telling the OP how awful she is. She has been trying realy hard to be a good neighbour and she gets attacked for not making even more of an effort.
And as for those telling her how terrible her friends sound for not wanting to make new friends - have you actually read where the OP stated that two are going through cancer treatment, one is going through a divorce and one is struggling with IVF. And yet still people think they should make an effort to make friends with the OPs new neighbour? Yeah right, stop being so selfish in between your chemo sessions and go for coffee with this random stranger because she is lonely and all she wants is some friends... FFS what's wrong with people?

I can't imagine a time where if ever say ' I have enough friends and I don't need any more'

On the other hand, monitoring my movements would drive me bonkers so you need to be vague but give her a time which suits you ' I'm busy this week but have you time for a coffee next Monday?'

And actually,if it was anyone but a neighbour I wouldn't bother but nice neighbours are at thing to have. As a PP said you could have a music playing arsehole.

I agree Dame, I find that really sad, what if you came across a really lovely person you just gel with, would you say to them, nope sorry I don't want anymore friends now! Live and let live! But this neighbour in question sounds very clingy and needy.

Typos in my post, sorry! Posting from my phone!

Friendship is not a service people are required to give

This is correct, absolutely. On Mn some people act as if friendship is a social service that we are obliged to give to people, however random, if they seem lonely or don''t have friends or move somewhere.

This is not how I understand friendship at all in fact it's the one thing I always think in my life that I'm not obligated to do- it's a complete choice. I love spending time with my friends because they like me, I would hate to have someone befriend me when they didn't really truly choose to spend time with me or felt hassled into it. That's not actually a friendship anyway.

Prolonged stress leads to burnout. I'm not trying to be nasty I'm genuinely worried for you.

My own first breakdown came at the end of 3 years of running around like a headless chicken (full time student, lp, no money, ex pratting around over divorce and maintenance) it was when the 'stress' stopped I burnt out! Wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Thanks Baconyum, hope you're ok. I've experienced some of what you are saying, have had it worse than now. I'm building towards a day a week off - when i achieve my pay rise i'll be on the same as i am now for a day less - and now work from home one day a week, well supposed to doesnt always work like that, which helps as I can put the washing in and out a few times. The journey into work I read a book. when i get my day off - i want to be by myself doing stuff, and then at the weekend will be more relaxing and i can see more of my real friends who need me and be more together as a family. Thanks though, i am aware its a lot. i did the coffee by the way. Was nice (but i would rather have been watching my film) and also she suggested some other things and i was brave and said no. i said 'im a better neighbour than a sociable person as i dont have time'. i feel better about that now xx

I hope you get more time to relax soon you've a lot on your plate.

I'm not 'ok' but I'm nowhere near as bad as I was - and this is TEN years later. Honestly your health is the most important thing.

Glad you went for the coffee and managed to clarify things.

Pillow, I agree with you completely. I don't think friendship should be forced, or even forced upon someone. Just because someone wants you to do things with you, does not mean you should have to. I'm not a pop-in-for-coffee, hang out at my house type at all, and I would prefer to not be on overly social terms with my neighbours - I like my space and I would really hate someone monitoring my coming and going. My last neighbour was perfect. I genuinely liked her, but she didn't bother me and I didn't bother her, but we had each other's house keys, phone numbers etc and we could call on each other in an emergency, or if we'd run out of some vital cooking ingredient etc. We'd see each other socially in a large group, which was nice too, but we were never going to be very close friends. I'd like all my neighbours to be like her.

Frankly, the OP could be sitting on her backside all day, every day and still decide not to be friends with this woman. It's not obligatory. OP, you sound like my kind of neighbour.

On your response to my post - no, you don't have to include her in the heart of your group straight away, or have her along at every meeting. But I don't think there's any harm in inviting her along to the odd thing where several of you will be, or to something like the cinema if you do that. Good friendships can grow that way. It may be that it won't work because of the type of person she is - and tbh it does sound a bit like it - but giving it a chance is the only way to find out.

You do sound very busy and it sounds as if you have (fingers crossed!) resolved this situation with diplomatic aplomb - well done. I think now you can be very clear/blunt if she oversteps. (And I have also been in your situation with a friend/nighbour wanting more than I wanted or was able to give - though I was the new one in town! - and it's wearing, so I'm not unsympathetic at all).

I actually think you are being quite mean. It wouldn't kill you to pop in for a cuppa and reiterate the invite.

Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold

Would the people berating OP really not mind if their neighbours started texting them that they knew they were in as their car was outside or their radio was on?

I had a nice neighbour friend but she kept complaining that she couldn't tell whether I was in or not because of the way the window is arranged. It made me feel sort of hunted, as if I had no right to privacy. OP, I sympathise.

I think you are perfectly reasonable; I wouldn't like to be monitored. I would just say something like, I have a lot on my plate at the moment; I really want to be good neighbours, but please don't be offended if I need time to relax as I have very little time to myself at the mo. Maybe ask her if she fancies doing something once a month - (drink or coffee?) that would enable your neighbourliness but would limit the interaction?

YANBU.
The way the neighbour is going on isn't normal at all. I've moved house lots of times, also had lots of new neighbours and have always managed to build up a friendly relationship with most of them-organically. I would not be impressed if someone was monitoring my movements then deciding I was free to see them.

Yanbu. I am currently being hassled by a needy distant family member who after 25 years of no contact suddenly wants to be my best mate. I find her pretty unpleasant as a person and yet I'm in this difficult situation of upsetting close family members if I don't oblige her.

(and I say that as someone who could probably do with a few more friends!)

You are under no obligation whatsoever and reading the replies closely for any tips I can use!