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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a cheeky RSVP?

142 replies

coralpig · 05/05/2016 16:31

Our RSVPs for August wedding are coming in. My fiancé's aunt and her 20 year old children (so his first cousins) are invited but we have said that the eldest cousin's boyfriend of about a year isn't as we are not having plus ones. My fiancé doesn't want him there, neither of us have ever met him and he has been extremely rude, bigoted and snobby to my mother in law on the rare occasion that they have met. None of us really want him there.

The cousin in question will know a lot of people there as it is a family wedding. The cousins all grew up very close.

We said all this and addressed invitations to members of the family.
Today we have had an RSVP from my fiancé's aunt saying that they were all looking forward to attending. She listed the names and included the name of the boyfriend.

AIBU to think this is really cheeky and inappropriate? WWYD?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/05/2016 16:32

Yes very! I think it's probably best to call but I suspect it'll lead to a row

AddToBasket · 05/05/2016 16:35

Yes. Email her and thank her for such a prompt response. Say how thrilled you are that they can make it but space is tight so 'we couldn't extend the invitations as far as we wanted to. We aren't able to invite X to the wedding but we'd love it if we could meet her at another time.'

FlyingElbows · 05/05/2016 16:36

It's not cheeky it's downright bloody rude. Stick to your guns. Reply straight away and be firm. I hate rude people!

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 05/05/2016 16:38

Reply and say you have a strict rule about no plus ones so only those who you actually invited can attend

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 05/05/2016 16:40

YANBU. I had a very similar issue with a cousin and uninvited boyfriend at my wedding.

It turned out badly, caused a huge family rift and several family members who refused to come. To this day I still don't speak to the cousin after 13 years! Pathetic over something which is actually quite trivial (from them I mean, not you). I don't know where people think they get off including people they know aren't invited.

Optimist1 · 05/05/2016 16:42

Basket's response is perfect - don't be manoevred into letting this interloper attend!

ThoraGruntwhistle · 05/05/2016 16:42

Can you reply in a baffled way that you don't understand why his name is on there when he hasn't been invited and there won't be room for him?

rwilkinson84 · 05/05/2016 16:43

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone exactly this - tell her straight , "Thank you for confirming that name, name, name and name will be attending the wedding. Unfortunately the invite was not extended to 'unwelcome guest' so he has been removed from your RSVP as we have a strict no +1 rule, I'm sure you understand."

What a cheeky bitch!!!

BillBrysonsBeard · 05/05/2016 16:43

So rude, unless the invitation wasn't specific but it sounds like it was! If he came how would other people feel without their plus ones? Send her a text saying "Sorry you misunderstood but we're keeping it small" If she kicks off then no great loss, you don't want dramatic people there anyway.

honeysucklejasmine · 05/05/2016 16:48

Oooh, rude! Definitely just reply and say he's not invited as space is limited.

However, based on friends with experiences, make sure this is reinforced several times before your day, including the night before. And task an usher with ensuring she attends alone.

lalalalyra · 05/05/2016 16:55

You need to speak to them. My BIL's SIL (if that makes sense) did this with her daughter's BF. They were told several times that there was no +1 for his nieces and nephews (as they are all under 18) as there was no space. They brought the BF on the day on the basis that "someone always drops out last minute".

MadamDeathstare · 05/05/2016 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doobigetta · 05/05/2016 16:57

You shouldn't ever feel obliged to invite someone you don't want, but in this case I don't even think the usual comments about it being wrong to exclude partners apply. A boyfriend of 1 year at 20 isn't a partner, he's a boyfriend. It's a family wedding, the cousin will have lots of people she knows around, and they are being ridiculous as well as rude. I agree with others, I'd go back to the aunt and say, don't bring him, he is surplus to requirements.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/05/2016 17:01

YANBU.

A new girlfriend of one of DH's friends - who we hadn't even met at the time - RSVP'd on friends' behalf to our wedding. Saying how, as X was part of a couple now, she was sure that the invitation was for "the whole couple" and that they would both be attending.

Funnily enough, she was quite put out at her own wedding (about 10 years later) when the best man's new girlfriend did a similar thing Grin. I thought it uncharitable to point out the irony on her wedding day.

OurBlanche · 05/05/2016 17:01

Ah! As one who fell for an old trcik, I can only say that you will have to be very blunt and very public abut your response. Make sure your stbILS know all about it, why you didn' tinvite, that they have added him and that you have explained there aren't any seats with his name on. Let whichever is the aunt's sibing deal with it too!

Repeat as often as possible.

We had Poisonous SILs parents at pur wedding. No blood relationto us at all. Had asked for a spare invitation, if we had one, as a momento. I handed them a blank one. They were almost the first to reply to my parents, accepting!!!

PoisonousSIL, who was there when they asked, insists that never happened, they were invited by my parents - who had never met them, did not have their names or address and had no idea who 'Pat and Nancy' were when they responded.

I wasn't loud enough with my "Tell them to fuck off" response. Fortunately the photographer realised and managed to cut them off the edge of the offical photos. Smile

Jackie0 · 05/05/2016 17:03

Yes , get it straightened out asap

Becky546 · 05/05/2016 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

momb · 05/05/2016 17:05

My DM insisted I invite a load of people I didn't know to my second wedding. So I did. None of her ex-workmates wanted to come (who would want to go to a wedding 200 miles away for people you don't know? ) But a distant cousin of hers whom I'd never met replied that they would love to come, with wife, kids and grandchildren, making an invitation for 2 into a response from 12! I sent a message very similar to the one from Addtobasket above. They replied and said, fine, just the 2 would come....then on the day they don't show up, but sent DM a bouquet of flowers to the hotel she was staying in for one night. Bizarre!
DM still maintains that 'no-one important to her came because my wedding wasn't smart enough'. Wedding make some people bonkers: it's the only explanation.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2016 17:05

Very cheeky. Be very, very firm and loud about his not being invited. They may rock up and bring him, though.

honeysucklejasmine · 05/05/2016 17:15

We didn't have people come who weren't invited, but we did have people passive aggressively not come as their children weren't invited. I think a grudge may still be held due to a very awkward conversation that happened regarding my wedding recently.

My friends aunt and father still aren't talking, some 6 years since friends wedding. Because aunt was stepmum to some teenagers (partner was the NRP) and friend did not invite them. Her aunt's step children she'd never met. hmm It ended become a huge drama with ridiculous accusations being made, but friend wasn't especially bothered!

CharlieSierra · 05/05/2016 17:39

We've just had this with DDs wedding, five extra children! Shock on groom's side. His mother doesn't want us to tell them no either, she's put a lot of pressure on, getting her DH to ring the groom and say how upset and worried she is, so now he doesn't want to upset his DM. There's always someone who behaves like a twat, however careful you are.

Mrsfancyfanjango · 05/05/2016 17:43

I have been in a similar situation recently, DPs cousin is getting married and I haven't been invited (long term with children so rude IMO but that's another thread..) and would never dream of RSVPing! Some people really take the biscuit

YANBU.

whomovedmychocolate · 05/05/2016 17:59

Just tell them. Hopefully they will have a big fight and break up and then you won't face the same problem at the next family event Grin

Becky546 · 05/05/2016 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floblobl · 05/05/2016 18:10

I asked a step family member if their little dd (8) would like to be a bridesmaid. We were only having two bridesmaids, one from either side of the families. They wrote back and said we either chose BOTH their kids or none at all, so we regretfully asked someone else. None of that family came on the day what a relief the bridesmaids replacement was that childs cousin and she was a little darling.