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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a cheeky RSVP?

142 replies

coralpig · 05/05/2016 16:31

Our RSVPs for August wedding are coming in. My fiancé's aunt and her 20 year old children (so his first cousins) are invited but we have said that the eldest cousin's boyfriend of about a year isn't as we are not having plus ones. My fiancé doesn't want him there, neither of us have ever met him and he has been extremely rude, bigoted and snobby to my mother in law on the rare occasion that they have met. None of us really want him there.

The cousin in question will know a lot of people there as it is a family wedding. The cousins all grew up very close.

We said all this and addressed invitations to members of the family.
Today we have had an RSVP from my fiancé's aunt saying that they were all looking forward to attending. She listed the names and included the name of the boyfriend.

AIBU to think this is really cheeky and inappropriate? WWYD?

OP posts:
user7755 · 05/05/2016 18:14

flob - I can see both sides of this argument. I wouldn't in all conscience be able to let one of my ds' be a page boy (if they were that age and interested in anything except video games) and the other one miss out. It would have been an awkward decision to make.

But as the B&G it is your choice.

honeysucklejasmine · 05/05/2016 18:17

They wrote back and said we either chose BOTH their kids or none at all

Tbh I agree. Although it does depend on age and sex of kids. I can't imagine a teenager would be too bothered if their 4 year old sister was asked and not them.

Maryz · 05/05/2016 18:21

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Becky546 · 05/05/2016 18:24

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soapydopeybubbles · 05/05/2016 18:28

What IS it with weddings?

We didn't invite my half sister because I'd not seen or spoken to her in 15 years and DH and I had agreed that we wouldn't invite anyone to our (v small) wedding that the other hadn't met.
Half sister somehow got wind of the wedding and rocked up to my parents house demanding to know why I hadn't asked her DDs to be my bridesmaids yet.
When she realised neither she not her family were actually invited she completely kicked off, posted loads of passive aggressive FB statuses about how she felt betrayed and sent me several whiny, self-pitying emails saying she couldn't believe her 'sister' had treated her like this.

She seemed to think that just because we were (sort-of) related she and her family (including one daughter I'd never met) had some sort of automatic right to an invitation, despite making no previous effort to contact me, show any interest in my life or being remotely interested in my DH.

Sorry to derail the thread, as you can probably tell it still makes me really angry.

Coral only accept RSVPs from people you both actually want to be there and firmly inform anyone else that they are taking the piss. I know it can be difficult and awkward but your special day will be that much better for it.

CharlieSierra · 05/05/2016 18:29

I agree to flob, unless one was actually too young it wasn't fair to ask one and not the other. There are ways of telling you that politely though, were they as rude as you implied?

Scholes34 · 05/05/2016 18:33

I gave my lovely 20 year old cousin the choice of coming to the whole thing on his own or the evening do with a plus one. He gratefully accepted the plus one in the evening and opted to bring a friend. He then got himself a girlfrield and I happily let him have a plus two as his friend was already looking forward to it. They all had a great time (but I would say that - it was my wedding).

PuppyMonkey · 05/05/2016 18:36

Are all the cousins definitely coming? Just clutching at straws that maybe one of them was unable to come so they have shoved boyfriend in instead. Still cheeky, mind.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2016 18:54

I prefer to teach my dc that sometimes they don't get picked.

I would have my dd miss out on something she was chosen for. That would be really mean to her.

Cleo1303 · 05/05/2016 18:58

I had this situation over a child we didn't want to invite because he could be very badly behaved. We sent the invitation to the parents and they replied including him. I rang and said that in order not to upset several of our friends the only children who were invited were immediate family. They wrote and said they weren't coming. We really didn't care.

Maryz · 05/05/2016 18:59

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Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2016 19:00

I assume flob did invite the other dc, just didn't make her a flower girl?

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2016 19:02

Well I would make it VERY clear if you are having a sit down meal which they will not be catered for at and you will be prepared to ask them to leave.

Maryz · 05/05/2016 19:04

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Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2016 19:06

Well I agree with you if that is the case Maryz. That would be horrible!

blondieblondie · 05/05/2016 19:07

This happened at my cousins wedding. The other aunt was begging the grooms mother to try and wangle for her daughters 17 boyfriend to be invited, even saying she would cover the cost of his meal. I thought it was so rude. What was she e letting us to tell the rest to the family? Either lie and say he was favoured over them, or tell the truth, she paid for him to be there?

Anyway, he didn't get invited and it all worked out. Hope it does for you!

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 19:07

You need to reply quickly too OP, the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be to bring it up.

Quick immediate reply leaves no room for tacit agreement that he's coming.

Headofthehive55 · 05/05/2016 19:10

Hmm. I can imagine we could get in that situation. Whilst I think you can invite who you want, perhaps that family has changed, to include said BF, but as you don't know him you aren't prepared to acknowledge that?

If they had adopted or fostered a teenager and you had not met them, would it still be a no go?

Maryz · 05/05/2016 19:13

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RedToothBrush · 05/05/2016 19:19

Er what?

You are suggesting a bf/gf is the same as an adopted or fostered teenager?

You clearly live on a different planet to me.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 05/05/2016 19:24

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Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 05/05/2016 19:25

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Wyldfyre · 05/05/2016 19:27

My uncle did this to us - he'd split up with a girlfriend so we just invited him. When the rsvp came back it had "plus guest" written on it. I called him to ask if he'd got back together with GF and the answer was no. In short not only did he intend for me to pay for an (expensive) meal for someone I didn't know but he couldn't give me a name of this person as he "hadn't decided".
In the end he didn't turn up himself (we'd paid in advance for his meal) and then moaned that he didn't get a thank you card for his (shit and totally useless to us) present.
I'd be clear that you don't want this bloke there. After all it's your day and neither you nor your fiancé should not have anyone there that you don't want to be there.

Headofthehive55 · 05/05/2016 19:31

I just wondered whether it was because you didn't know him? If they were to marry next week would you invite him?
Are you inviting these people by virtue of blood relation or friendship?

OrianaBanana · 05/05/2016 19:33

Agree that he should be 'uninvited' but your fiancé should do it as they're his family (assuming he agrees!) - otherwise they'll blame you and really it's his job to sort it out!