To think this is a cheeky RSVP?

[coralpig]

Our RSVPs for August wedding are coming in. My fiancé's aunt and her 20 year old children (so his first cousins) are invited but we have said that the eldest cousin's boyfriend of about a year isn't as we are not having plus ones. My fiancé doesn't want him there, neither of us have ever met him and he has been extremely rude, bigoted and snobby to my mother in law on the rare occasion that they have met. None of us really want him there.

The cousin in question will know a lot of people there as it is a family wedding. The cousins all grew up very close.

We said all this and addressed invitations to members of the family.
Today we have had an RSVP from my fiancé's aunt saying that they were all looking forward to attending. She listed the names and included the name of the boyfriend.

AIBU to think this is really cheeky and inappropriate? WWYD?

Put your foot down. It's your day, not a day for your extended family.

YANBU. And it's not an oversight on their part. Respond firmly and steer clear of words like unfortunately or sorry, but...

Something along the lines of:
Thanks for your prompt response. We've considered our guest list carefully, and the invite was only intended for the people named on the invite you received - I.e. [list]. I just wanted to be clear, as on your RSVP you included X's name, which I assume was an oversight on your part.

Personally I would just let him come and cut the costs somehow.

But I am weird about weddings.

However, even I would draw the line at the dogs! that's incredible :)

My Dog was one of our Bridesmaids

My cousin refused to attend my wedding because his girlfriend's three children weren't invited. His loss!

I'm also having problem with the invites. 5 weeks until my wedding and i've had to chase a few people down to get their yes or no answer!! Also people have just started to tell me their diet needs which is really late now as everything is done and dusted. They have had 6 months to let me know, i also told them end of April is deadline if not pushing it. I've already gave final numbers etc so too late to change. Sounds bad i've lost interest in ringing everyone around to find diet interests to write it down to make a meeting again to tell my wedding planner and get all stressed and worked up again. People just don't understand how hard this wedding stuff is

RaqsMax It is HIGHLY inappropriate to bring the man who you are seeing behind his wife's back! Why did she think this was appropriate?! Your SIL was breaking up another family and she thought it was okay to bring him to the joining of another family...? Not just that but it puts everyone in an uncomfortable position as witnesses to all this. WTF was she thinking?!

After I gave birth to my daughter, my mother invited her best friend (who was also my god mother when I was a kid) to my house (yeah that's a separate issue - she invited all and sundry to MY house to see MY baby without informing me of it until said people were literally on their way a few days after I had JUST GIVEN BIRTH). My god mother came up with her lover (she was married and cheating on her husband with a man half her age) and I told her I wasn't comfortable with her bringing her lover (who was younger than me!) here to see the baby and she understood and just left him at the hotel.

I don't understand why the family took your SIL side (well I see it a little if it was her family taking her side - she's family). I mean sure they ended up together but while he is still married to his wife is an entirely inappropriate time to bring him to meet the family - ESPECIALLY to a wedding. smh what the hell is wrong with some people ...?

I have a cousin who politely declined attending as we had not invited his partner who we had no idea existed... they sent a lovely card.

mil had a strop about the cousin on her side, who we invited and did not know had a partner and was not invited. (tight budget) he eventually came but the relationship between me and mil was damaged by that and we saw a lot less of them, in the end.

It amazes me how family members make petty feuds over the stupidest things that are, a lot of the time, not even their place to say and not their right to decide.

I had the same problem went from inviting aunts and uncles all day and cousins at night. Family went in the huff I got extra stressed then thought sod it. Went from 90 all day to 22 and 150 at night. The family that huffed fell out with me and showed that they really didn't care. That was 6 years ago and it was the best decision I made. Get her told that plus ones weren't invited and if they have a problem it's theirs to deal with. Sod them. Just enjoy your day the ones that mean anything will be there

We got a 9 page rant from DH's ex gf because she wasn't invited to our wedding . Why on earth did she expect to be invited? I'd never even met her, and DH didn't want her there.

However, my new BIL took great umbrage at my comments at the time and it has taken about 10 years for the heat to settle.

What sort of monumental arsehole gets the hump because a family are less than impressed that one of their number is carrying on with a married man.

Please put your foot down OP.

I have friend's who have massively got the hump because their pfb isn't invited to a friend's wedding. It was politely put on the card that they couldn't include everyone's children so if their name wasn't on the invite they weren't invited.

Couple have the hump because 1) what about childcare? and 2) they can't possibly leave their dc for the whole day.

They have two sets of loving interested gp who can babysite and pfb is 2 (years not months).

Some people are weird....

I think if someone insisted on bringing to a wedding the man she was seeing behind his wife's back, I would definitely find a way to send the wife a copy of the wedding photos with him and girlfriend together prominently featured.

YANBU. We had the same issue with one of DH's cousins who threw a strop and didn't show because her boyfriend of about two weeks wasn't invited. £150 for her "place" down the pan, and a shitty comment from DH's Aunt as to why she wasn't there. I'm still bitter about it...

Call Aunt and explain there is no place for Boyfriend, as previously advised, but you're looking forward to seeing the others as planned.

As others have commented, your Aunt may not have read the invite right so when you confront her give her the BOTD and approach it in a non accusing way rather than 'you are pushing in on my wedding and making assumptions' kind of way.

Just say 'So happy you are coming but I don't know if you saw but we are not allowing any plus ones so I'm afraid the boyfriend cannot come - everyone is in the same boat we are not allowing any plus one's'. Even if she offers to pay for the boyfriend's place, just politely decline and say it would be unfair and this rule applies to every guest and you will not make an exception.

Honestly you are not obligated to invite boyfriends anyway. Husbands/wives yeah but not boyfriends/girlfriends.

Just be firm, clear but tactful. I do think though that you need to tackle this issue ASAP and get it all out in the open though.

If it does cause a rift, then it was only a matter of time before it happened. If they are going to start a fight over something as small as a boyfriend of a cousin who has with them for a year, then it would only have been a matter of time before you did something that resulted in them not getting their own way, causing them to throw their teddies out of the pram and cut you out. You don't need toxic people like this in your life whether they are family or not. Don't let self entitled, selfish people ruin your special day.

We had a very small wedding, paid for by ourselves and on a tight budget in a very small venue, and a couple we considered close friends insisted that they MUST bring their two children, though they had local family readily on hand offering childcare and we had invited adults only and explained why. We unwillingly agreed, knowing it would cause resentment with other family and friends. The couple then cancelled on the day on the grounds that one of the said children was "coming down with a cold". It left us to pay for four places we would gladly have offered to others, and the family never even bothered to send a card or a gift. I know it's not about money or presents, but their lack of consideration certainly made me rethink whether they were actually friends we'd want to keep in touch with.

Sounds a good idea to approach it as a misunderstanding.

I had a wedding invite last Christmas, and at first didn't realise our children were not invited, busy quick read etc. If I had rushed off a reply I might have made a mistake, but fortunately I wasn't that organised and some time later on re reading I was then able to politely decline. Didn't need a drama, or even a conversation. Decline sent. Job done.

Crikey. Weddings. My dad had a list as long as the scroll you see in movies. I said no as we were paying for it. The parents were each allowed 10 close friends, but nobody we (the couple)hadn't met or seen in 10 years, which seemed fair (out of 120 guests). On the day I met an uncle for the first time ever... Didn't know he existed, and 2 third cousins I had never met and they wore jeans!!! Gate crashers. who does that? I was mortified as my husband's family would never dream of pulling this shit. In the end, I heard that the uncle we invited couldn't make it and then just swapped his invite with his cousin.... you can't make it up. Be firm and say no Ffs.

Something similar-ish. Nephew is getting married in October. Invite is for me & DD only, not including my hubby (long story, families, who'd have 'em?). Upshot, talked to nephew, said thank you but reduce the invite to DD only and use mine for someone they moivnt not be able to include otherwise. DD will travel with grandparents (who get to spend 9 hours each way in the car with a stroppy teen) and we get a couples weekend, Nephew gets the guest he wants. Result all round. (Except now my mum is kicking off that I won't go but that is situation normal!)

YANBU - stand firm OP!

At our wedding we were certain we only wanted people we knew, and luckily guests' relationships fell neatly into either married/practically married or very early days. My friend of many years had a bf of the latter category - think about 3 months ish. She understood when I explained he wasn't invited, then he obviously got in her ear as she kept phoning to insist we invite him, that he said no +1s is rude and weird, etc. In the end I lost my temper and pointed out she'd probably not still be with him by the wedding anyway (her relationship history was all brief things). I was right though. She showed up at the church part with yet another new bf to wish us well, which was nice, though our friendship never recovered.

To those who asked up thread about my DD2 not being invited to a wedding in the USA which her sister was invited to after we had booked flights etc. Yes, after a few subtle hints in discussions about logistics, i had to be more frank with the bride (which I am hated doing as normally subscribe to the 'it's their day philosophy') and DD2 came along and we all had a great time.

REALLY cheeky if she hasn't just misread the invitation..
However, even if she is deliberately being rude, I am on the fence with this one as we had two similar situations at our wedding. We had a small'ish wedding and therefore had a 'no ring no bring' rule (long term partners obvs allowed too!).

One friend insisted on bringing his girlfriend of 2 months and, long story, eventually we gave in. I still get irritated every time I see her face in the photos, and it altered my view of him after he was so difficult - we consequently sort of lost touch after the wedding.
On the other hand, a cousin also asked to bring her boyfriend, we said no, there was bad feeling and it was passed all around the family, he ended up marrying her and it is still a bit awkward today. I know I was within my rights to say he couldn't come, but for the sake of a couple of extra guests, I wish I had just let it go and relax about both the plus ones.
I would still have thought they were f'ing rude though, so YANBU!
As others have said, I would write/ring and say that you are sorry but they must have misread the invitation and only the names written on that are invited due to costs and space. You look forward to meeting him at some point in the future.

I wouldn't say 'no one is allowed a plus one'in case you change your mind about someone else's boyfriend!
Weddings are such funny cultural things and people have very different ideas of what is 'normal' at a wedding. I have been to weddings where a plus one is completely normal, you are seated next to your partner, everyone understands that a paying bar is normal and it would be unthinkable not to invite all your children too. However I have also been to weddings where partners are only invited if they are long term and known to the bride and groom, it would be considered weird to sit couples next to each other, a paying bar is considered naff and there is often a no children except bridesmaids and close family policy. Which is fine - if you don't like it, you politely decline.
One of my daughters (age 7) was invited to be a bridesmaid at a wedding with no other children, as she was a goddaughter of the bride. I felt sad for her 5 year old sister who was jealous, but I didn't blame the bride and groom in any way - we just made sure the 5 year old had an treat filled weekend with granny instead. I think the 7 year old would have happily swapped....

I agree it's cultural and a different set of norms.
I've been to plenty of weddings where I haven't officially been invited but have gone as I know the bride and want to offer my congratulations or I am good friends with brides sister etc and have helped the sister with organisational stuff etc while there.
In some cultures that's totally normal and to exclude people is seen as rude.
On all these occasions people were happy that I came to celebrate their marriage.
It comes down to cultures seeing the point of the wedding party to announce it to the community etc and about community and family coming together, an opportunity to meet people who are close to those you love, or you haven't seen in a long time and not just about the couple.

The weddings are normally bowls of different curries rice etc on the table and guests help themselves so in between buffet and sit down. The family of groom/bride are seen as hosts to make everyone else comfy as they've invited people so it's the same mentality as if they've invited to house.

Very rude. I had the same thing with my wedding though and they brought the boyfriend and children as well I let it go because it was a lost cause.