To think this is a cheeky RSVP?

[coralpig]

Our RSVPs for August wedding are coming in. My fiancé's aunt and her 20 year old children (so his first cousins) are invited but we have said that the eldest cousin's boyfriend of about a year isn't as we are not having plus ones. My fiancé doesn't want him there, neither of us have ever met him and he has been extremely rude, bigoted and snobby to my mother in law on the rare occasion that they have met. None of us really want him there.

The cousin in question will know a lot of people there as it is a family wedding. The cousins all grew up very close.

We said all this and addressed invitations to members of the family.
Today we have had an RSVP from my fiancé's aunt saying that they were all looking forward to attending. She listed the names and included the name of the boyfriend.

AIBU to think this is really cheeky and inappropriate? WWYD?

Or possibly, nailak, it comes down to the wedding organisation and needing to pay £100+ per head for the sit-down dinner, as opposed to having a curry buffet!
Not necessarily the same, is it.

My DPs brother and his wife are refusing to come to our wedding because we haven't invited their 18 year old son and his girlfriend. We made a decision that we wanted a tiny wedding (15 people) and nephews and nieces and their partners weren't invited but would definitely be at the post-wedding party a few weeks later. His loss, we're not backing down - adding nephews/nieces/partners would make our wedding more than 50% bigger.

You'd fall out with your brother over the difference between a 15 people wedding and a 20 odd people wedding?

waxybean you may feel they are "refusing" and flouncing but they might not be bothered really.

The bride may have thought I was "refusing" when I turned down an invite at Christmas for a wedding ( kids not invited) but in reality I just went meh, rather do something with the kids that day. We would have gone if the kids were invited. It was a family wedding.

I looked at the possibles for that day and picked accordingly.

I didn't think about it being my loss though, and they possibly don't.

Told DD about this thread as she's a waitress at weddings. Said its really common for guests to bring uninvited extras and for people who declined to change their minds and just turn up. All without telling bride and groom. And they can get quite upset when the can't have their meal choice (as chef has had to put together something last minute for them).

How very rude of your cousin to go out with someone you disapprove of, then to care for him enough to stand by him when you are giving the clear message he is not wanted in your family. What audacity of her mother to stand by her daughter in such circumstances.

I was on the other end of a none invite and believe me, it hurts. Luckily I have a very welcoming and friendly extended family and so 15 years later we never have to have anything to do with his relations who seem the thrive on bitchy intrigues.

When you are married would you be insulted if your husband were not invited because they thought you had a poor choice in men and the relationship may not last?

Well it's not really sticking by him to try and sneak him onto the guest list!

Sticking by him would have been to refuse the invitation.

OP- YANBU you do need to sort out situation asap. I would follow advice about publically and politely saying he can't come. Do you have a wedding FB page? You could post a reminder about no plus ones on there.

I didn't invite my father to my wedding. He and my mother had recently separated as he had been having an affair for several years. I didn't want a scene and my mother clearly needed emotional support at the time. There was no way they could have been in the same room at the time. We didn't want to postpone until they would be ready to be in same room (they still wouldn't want to be). It was a very small register office wedding. He hasn't spoken to me for almost 8 years. He has three grandsons. It's very sad, although I understand his disappointment at not coming to the wedding, in the end it's just one day and I didn't think he would sacrifice his relationship with me over seeing me take my vows!

YANBU, I'd stick to my guns & drop them a message that he's not invited. He sounds like a right cock, don't let him ruin your day

How very rude of your cousin to go out with someone you disapprove of, then to care for him enough to stand by him when you are giving the clear message he is not wanted in your family. What audacity of her mother to stand by her daughter in such circumstances.

When you're told that the B&G are not inviting plus ones, ignoring that isn't "standing by" anyone. If you feel it's necessary to stand by them, you refuse the invitation.

Not a wedding but recently organised a black tie dinner for over 300 guests, top table for VIPs - political, military, business etc.
In the Green room beforehand saw a lady I didn't know and went to introduce myself and she said she was X wife. I was wrong footed, immediately thinking about the several hours spent negotiating the seating arrangements on the top table!!! She said it was normal for partners to attend these sorts of things and insisted she was seated next to her husband on the ViP table.
So, as the piper was leading everyone along the corridor, I was in the main room frantically switching place cards before exiting the back of the room, running round the side corridor and joining the end of the procession being piped in while trying to look calm and dignified!!!

Do you have a wedding FB page?

Is this a 'thing' now?

The last two weddings I have been to have had one. Not sure if it's a thing though!

There is a certain sense of if you are the one that's paying you get to choose who gets invited though. That is the bottom line I think.

The thing is for some people it's them assuming that their way/traditions are the normal/right way. And when someone does it differently they don't have the insight to think that this is their norm; just that they've made a mistake.

So I'm Irish (and while it's customary to be generous I've never heard about this £150 thing) so I think having Full day and evening guest is totally normal.

DP is Indian so thinks inviting everyone you've ever met, everyone one each of the parents have ever met and random invitees passing the invite on is normal.

Work mate got married recently; her family tradition is to have small family only weddings; and have a meal out with friends etc after the honeymoon to celebrate is normal; and B&G pay for the meal.

Attended a wedding recently as an evening guest (19:00-01:00) no food provided at all; nor anywhere to buy food. Evening only invite, fine. But no food; not even a soggy cheese sandwich, that struck me as odd; 6 hours, booze and no food. . .

But I'd say half the room thought this was normal; half were ready to eat their own arm. Luckily I knew there was no food being provided and DP & I had had a big dinner before hand. (I had joked before hand about loading the car with food and making a profit; a bit sorry I didn't)

Following a particular incident I've learnt not to assume; and politely ask; sometimes mistakes happen; sometimes not.

Incident was I got an invite from a work friend of DP's; only me not DP

DP spoke to work mate (I'd never even met the guy) turned out that one of the bride's sisters was writing out the invites. DP & I both have unisex names; she's assumed that I was the male and then got distracted and forgot to write +1

B & G to be were pulling their hair out; she'd buggered up about half the invites

And of course there is also the fact that some people are entitled prats

In retrospect, you should make it clear he is not wanted at your wedding. That then gives the cousin the right to refuse and, as I have found, makes moving away from that part of the family a lot easier.