To think this is a cheeky RSVP?

[coralpig]

Our RSVPs for August wedding are coming in. My fiancé's aunt and her 20 year old children (so his first cousins) are invited but we have said that the eldest cousin's boyfriend of about a year isn't as we are not having plus ones. My fiancé doesn't want him there, neither of us have ever met him and he has been extremely rude, bigoted and snobby to my mother in law on the rare occasion that they have met. None of us really want him there.

The cousin in question will know a lot of people there as it is a family wedding. The cousins all grew up very close.

We said all this and addressed invitations to members of the family.
Today we have had an RSVP from my fiancé's aunt saying that they were all looking forward to attending. She listed the names and included the name of the boyfriend.

AIBU to think this is really cheeky and inappropriate? WWYD?

If they had adopted or fostered a teenager and you had not met them, would it still be a no go?

That ie not comparable at all. Jesus!

Some people unofficially adopt older children 6 th formers etc.

Headofthehive55 Thu 05-May-16 19:33:07
Some people unofficially adopt older children 6 th formers etc.

Wtf? Really. Your 'point' was daft. And is getting dafter and more obtuse by the second.

Jeez you guys are harsh !!! My DD was 3 and a bridesmaid at DB wedding but out 2 DS's were not part of the wedding party !!!
Why would they need to be ?

Are you having a sit-down meal and do they know that? My MIL started randomly inviting distant relatives to our wedding, which drove me mad because it really wasn't her place to invite people. But she had never been to a wedding where there was a proper table plan. All the weddings she'd been to had been buffet-style, in venues where you just sat down at a random table. So to her there was no problem in inviting extra people and it had to be spelled out to her that every extra person she invited would cost money because it was price per head (she had never been to a wedding with a free bar either so hadn't factored in the extra cost of that) and that they would have to be found a seat at a table. Because she'd already invited them we couldn't uninvite them so ended up having to do a whole other table. So it's possible your aunt is thinking along these lines. Though regardless of that she's inviting someone you haven't invited so she's out of order and YANBU.

Sorry I am not explaining myself well.

I've known a few young people about that age living largely, at BF or gf house or indeed friends house.

We've had that situation, not in my immediate family, but extended and they did regard them as one of the family. We live some distance away so didn't really know them. Would we have invited them? I don't know.

I just wondered if the aunt regards him as one of the family, so without thinking rsvp?

My DD was 3 and a bridesmaid at DB wedding but out 2 DS's were not part of the wedding party
I must admit I was thinking of two young sisters, kind of assumed. And I agree sometimes one gets picked without the other, at school and ballet, brownies etc. but I'd think it was mean to pick one as a bridesmaid, because there really wouldn't be a reason to do it.

I'd reply 'I'm sorry, you seem to have mis read the invitation. It is for X number (lost names) not 'Unwanted TagAlong'. Hope to meet him at another time, see the rest of you at the wedding'

Leave NO room for willful misinterpretation. Don't bang on about numbers or plus ones etc as one of them might chose to drop out to allow him to attend.

Am a bit surprised that any 17 yr old BF would want to go to a random persons wedding. Most mid-teens I know would do anything to avoid it- especially boys

On the subject of siblings not being invited to weddings. DD1 was a bridesmaid at a wedding in the States, it was only after we had booked our Transatlantic flights and accommodation that the bride and groom told us her little sister wasn't invited.

mrs Did you just say well she's coming, we've booked it, sorry. Where do you think we will leave her? I think that's what i would have said in that situation.

I agree, you have to tell them.

I had this a bit at our wedding. One family replied saying "we are coming, plus an extra guest x". Now they were coming over from abroad and wanted the extra person on the trip with them, which I understand, but surely if anything the response would be "please could we bring x because y reasons" not "plus and extra guest".

Also one of stbxh's counsin insisted on bringing his on/off girlfriend when we weren't doing plus ones.

We were really tight for space too.

If you specified no plus ones and they were not invited, yes, it is very cheeky. It's awful when guests try and invite other people. It's not their day - it's yours. It would be best to tell them this bluntly and simply say NOBODY is allowed a plus one due to restrictions with the venue/budget or whatever. That way they cannot say you're picking on them (although from the sounds of it they probably will try and claim it).

Be warned though - my friend got married recently and she specified no plus-ones the venue was just big enough for those she invited and she and her husband to be just wanted an intiate gather. Loads of people showed up with univited guests even though they were told several times not to and there wasn't enough food for them (it was a sit down dinner) and those who brought their plus ones whinged and said 'well it's a wedding you should cater to expect a few gate crashers - that's what happens at a wedding'. It is likely they will still try and turn up. Weddings are so stressful with people pushing their luck and expecting the earth just because the agreed to come to a meal you're paying for. Perhaps because it's free they want to milk it for all it's worth rather than you know ... joining you in celebrating the joining of two families.

Wish you luck in the endeavor!

Very cheeky
Email/call your fiancé aunt and say very sorry but there isn't room at the venue for any plus ones so the boyfriend can't come.

What part of the no plus ones did they not understand?
Be firm, tell them it's not acceptable to include someone that wasn't on the invitation. Basket's response is perfect and more diplomatic that I'd be!
Do it sooner rather than later though, the longer you leave it the more they'll assume it's fine.

If you feel it's worth risking it, I'd reply thanking for the confirmation and that you'll be looking forward to seeing (list all but him) there.

Def agree you need to be very clear, very public and get it done early. If it does cause a falling out, you will have countless witnesses and it's better now than on your wedding day. Be diplomatic and polite but be very explicit - NO plus ones for ANYONE. Anyone bringing a plus one on the day when they were told not to will be turned away. Most importantly ASK BEFORE INVITING A STRANGER TO SOMEBODY ELSE'S WEDDING. Don't be passive aggressive - just be blunt but polite and make it super clear that this rule applies to every guest so if they whine about being singled out/discriminated against (and trust me, it happens) then you can forward them to a statement lots of other people have seen. Ensure there is no room for willful misunderstanding and remind people as often as you can - especially in the run up to the big day. You know what some people are like - especially based on the horror stories on here.

Weddings do make people NUTS. I don't know what it is. Another friend of mine basically fell out with her aunt because she wouldn't make her cousins bridesmaids/flower girls because they didn't have very much money and couldn't afford it. She only had one bridesmaid and no flower girls at all. No ushers. It was a no frills wedding. They has a tiny venue and she had about 25 guests - all close friends or close family that she and her husband remained in contact with. When her aunt got snotty she said 'well okay but you'll have to buy their dresses' her aunt went ballistic and told her guests shouldn't pay at a wedding, how could she put a price tag on the people she loved and she said basically if the cousins couldn't be flower girls, she wasn't coming to the wedding and would never talk to her OR her mother (the aunts sister who stayed out of the argument and had nothing to do with it). It was the most disgusting behaviour I've ever seen. Worst of all the aunt was stinking rich (her husband is a very successful businessman) and the cousins honestly didn't care about being made flower girls. Her aunt and uncle's wedding had been HUGE with like 200+ people and they'd hired out almost an entire old five star hotel and been married in a cathedral. My friend stood her ground and so now it's been seven years and her aunt still won't talk to her, forbids her cousins from talking to her, or her mother. Pathetic.

Why don't people get that the wedding is not about them? It's about the bride and groom?

Somewhat ironically I found myself in a situation recently trying to un-invite my entire family (3dds me and dh) to a distant family wedding mainly because we're not really close to these relatives anyway ... and also because i hate weddings! But it seems some people just love to go to them? ! regardless of how well they know the B&G or their fam.
weddings are virtual relationship minefields... i think i unintentionally offended my MIL & SIL at our wedding by not asking SIL to be a BM... mainly because culturally where I'm from, the bride asks close friends (sometimes sisters if she wants) to be BM.
sorry sidetrack - don't think it's sounds like a cultural mishap here... sorry OP that you're having to deal with this. can quickly sour the whole thing so hope you find an amicable way forward.