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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DD in bed by 9.30pm?

90 replies

MattDillonsPants · 05/05/2016 13:01

She's 11....DH thinks that she should be allowed to wander out of her room and sit in the sitting room with us for a while if she wants.

I say no.

I need to feel that parenting is over at SOME point. She doesn't just sit quietly...she talks a LOT and it's usally to me as DH is engrossed in sport on TV.

I'm pissed off because she just came in (in Oz...night time here) and sat down and I said "You're meant to be in bed now>.."

And she kept ignoring me so I said to DH "Can you offer me some support here?" and he said "I don't mind her sitting here for a bit"

BUT I DO!!

I love her of course and have had quality time witb her today...but now...it's MY time!

OP posts:

Neffi · 05/05/2016 13:09

My 11 yr old is in bed at 9 and no getting up from that point.

Not unreasonable to want some child free time.

Original poster

MattDillonsPants · 05/05/2016 13:13

Thank you! I think some of the problem is that here in Oz, kids seem to have more lax parents freedom....and while I have chilled out a bit, I do feel that adults need time alone!

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 05/05/2016 13:13

Sort of yes and no. Yes of course you are entitled to some adult time in the evening. But your dd is approaching the teen years and they always want to talk when it's inconvenient to you. The 'quality time' thing just doesn't work with teens (or children in general really). Sometimes they need to talk or want you NOW.

Balletgirlmum · 05/05/2016 13:16

Dd is 14 & ds is just 12 & it's lights out at 9.30pm for them both. They are allowed to read in bed for 15 mins from9.15pm

oldlaundbooth · 05/05/2016 13:19

She's 11?

She should be in bed at 8pm. No questions, that's bedtime and even if she's awake she stays in bed. No wandering around the house!

You need your time. It's not about love, it's about you both needing your own space.

corythatwas · 05/05/2016 13:21

I am thinking the same as Dancer: you aren't going to be able to think of her as a child in that sense for much longer.

It cuts both ways actually: as she grows into her teens, she needs to gradually behave in an adult way and then you need to accept that having her present in the same room is not an imposition.

Quite frankly, there are times when I would love dh to go to bed so I can have "me time". But I can't exactly tell him that. What I can expect is for him to behave like an adult, e.g. notice when I am not in a communicative mood.

Feel more or less the same about teen dc. It's one of those transitions that it takes a bit of time getting used to.

DeadGood · 05/05/2016 13:22

Ha! 8pm? Er... no. I was in high school at 11.
OP YANBU and you should talk to your husband about it when you have a quiet moment.

Balletgirlmum · 05/05/2016 13:23

Dd didn't even get home from school some nights til 7.45pm when she was 11 & in year 7!

curren · 05/05/2016 13:25

8pm?

My 12 year old is in bed at 9pm. Not for us but for her. If she doesn't she is knackered the next day.

You need to sort this out with dh, when Dd is not around. You need to agree and/or compromise on something.

Personally I don't think he should have to go along with what you say, if he feels it's not an issue.

Not that I agree with him. But one parent can't just decide what's going to happen and expect the other to always agree.

But hashing it out in front of your dd is not a good idea.

Lighteningirll · 05/05/2016 13:27

Leave the room

HPsauciness · 05/05/2016 13:31

My children (10 and 12) go into their bedrooms around 9ish (10ish on weekend), we actually say to them- we want to watch a movie just the two of us!

I usually then go and settle them after that, and sometimes chat for a bit when they are in bed. But I think it's fine for parents to have a bit of alone time at the end of the day. They can come down for food/water, though, it's not that I mind them being out of bed, I just want some peace and quiet to chat with my husband, just as I don't plonk myself in the middle of their friends when they come around.

girlywhirly · 05/05/2016 13:31

It isn't unreasonable to want a bit of adult time in the evenings, and she should be in her room even if not sleeping. Say that she can read or listen to music quietly while in her room if she isn't sleepy. Do make sure she isn't on a computer/mobile phone/tablet as these can inhibit good sleep.

Do you struggle to wake her in the mornings, or does she seem not to need a lot of sleep? And how long would your DH allow her to stay up with you if you didn't object? Doesn't it annoy him if she talks all the way through the programme he's trying to watch? It's not very supportive to just give in to her, and she is at a stage where she is growing rapidly and needs her sleep, whether she thinks so or not. It's also unfair to make you the 'bad cop' and handle all the discipline, which is what it seems to me.

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/05/2016 13:31

I'm torn on this issue. I don't like the idea of banishing kids to their rooms (especially at 11+ - they're nearly teenagers) but I understand the need for adult time, and I think 9pm is a good time for her to be in bed, even if she justs listens to her iPod or reads.

But I do think in a few years you won't be able to banish her to her room at a certain time. I know you want adult time but she's become a young adult and I think it's unfair to start restricting her from communal space based on her age.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2016 13:34

I hate this banishing kids to their bedrooms- it's their house too! Whst are you going to do when they are a bit older?

Artandco · 05/05/2016 13:39

I wouldn't make her go to her room before she's ready for bed, like others say it's her home also.

9.30-10pm is a reasonable time to say she should probably head to bed to sleep/ read before sleep though if she has to get up for school.

8pm is very early though, my 5 and 6 year olds are just finishing dinner around then. They go bed around 9pm school nights, and when they are tired weekends and holidays.

Dancergirl · 05/05/2016 13:40

Yes I agree bertrand People always used to say to me that children need you MORE as they get older and I'm finding it's true. You can't just send them to their rooms when you've had enough of parenting for the day.

ChocolateStash · 05/05/2016 13:41

Yanbu. Compromise - one to one time for talking up until 9pm, she stays in bedroom after 9pm, lights out by 10pm.

Original poster

MattDillonsPants · 05/05/2016 13:57

Balls.

I think I might have to alter the dining room to make it more like a sitting room.

I have ASD and simply can't stand conversation after a certain point in the day. I didn't want to say that initially....I will rearrange things so DD can hang out longer.

I will also tell her tomorrow that she can do that to a certain degree.

She fires conversation at me...and it makes me want to cry actually. I DO talk to her and let her talk...there's just a point I get ringing in my ears and it almost hurts.

OP posts:

Original poster

MattDillonsPants · 05/05/2016 13:59

Thing is....when I was 11 I got banished.

I had a bedtime. It didn't harm me!

OP posts:

PirateFairy45 · 05/05/2016 14:03

Tell her she's allowed to wander around her room and use the bathroom if she needs to but that's it. She doesn't go into any other film until the morning.

OH needs to assist you too.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2016 14:06

There's nothing wrong with saying, as we did, that after a certain time, if you want to stay in the living room, grown up rules apply. Grown up conversation, grown up telly, and if you want anything you sort it out yourself. Just no banishment!

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/05/2016 14:08

The ASD is relevant, though, so you should have mentioned it.

It's not unreasonable to want some quiet time - why not let her stay up until a certain time so long as she's quiet - I mean, her sitting watching TV shouldn't a problem so long as she's not chatting, right?

If she insists on talking at you, send her to bed. She's old enough to stay up quietly or go to bed if she can't comply.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/05/2016 14:12

I'm perfectly happy with banishment. They're children and need their sleep. All of the children I've had have been asleep by 9. Even the 18 year old is asleep by 9.30.

I agree that bedtimes are important too. Even dh says his bedtime is 10 and gets antsy if he's still got stuff to do that runs into bedtime.

If I've ever had a persistent returner (other people's children) we just snog and they piss off to bed. It's adult time in this house after 9.

Dancergirl · 05/05/2016 14:18

Even the 18 year old is asleep by 9.30

That's very unusual though. And not ALL children need huge amounts of sleep.

Original poster

MattDillonsPants · 05/05/2016 14:24

I also might want a conversation with DH which isn't always suitable for an 11 year old!

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