To want DD in bed by 9.30pm?

[MattDillonsPants]

She's 11....DH thinks that she should be allowed to wander out of her room and sit in the sitting room with us for a while if she wants.

I say no.

I need to feel that parenting is over at SOME point. She doesn't just sit quietly...she talks a LOT and it's usally to me as DH is engrossed in sport on TV.

I'm pissed off because she just came in (in Oz...night time here) and sat down and I said "You're meant to be in bed now>.."

And she kept ignoring me so I said to DH "Can you offer me some support here?" and he said "I don't mind her sitting here for a bit"

BUT I DO!!

I love her of course and have had quality time witb her today...but now...it's MY time!

[exLtEveDallas]

11 year old DD goes up at 9 during the week, but can stay up with me at weekends (usually till about 1030). I understand the need for quiet time, and I'm not ASD. Thankfully in my case I'm a very early riser so I get it first thing before she gets up

[Iggi999]

Occasionally bedtimes come up in school and I'm shocked at how late some of them stay up, and yes there is often a correlation in my view between that and their performance in school.

[NickiFury]

My 9 year old goes at 10, she won't sleep before that, so it's just her lying in bed awake for two hours, which doesn't seem fair. My 13 year old goes at 11.30 but is under no illusions that I am only to be disturbed in life or death situations.

In your situation I would probably let her stay up later tbh...... IN HER ROOM!

[NapQueen]

Maybe a good compromise is 9pm room on schoolnights and up til 10 weekends? Then you can retire to the bath or bedroom yourself if it gets too much and dh can watch her.

[CremeEggThief]

9.30 is fine to send an 12 year old to chill out before bed in their bedrooms. Give it another couple of years though, OP, and you might find you MISS hanging out with your DC in your sitting room, as they spend so much time in their bedrooms. I practically have to beg my 13 year old to hang out with me every now and then.

[oobedobe]

You can't force anyone to sleep, but you can encourage a regular good sleep/wind down routine. I think kids being 'banished' to their bedroom is TOTALLY normal and acceptable, until they are an older teen say 15 onwards.

Evening is adult time and kids should be taught to respect that. If they can't sleep there is plenty to do quietly in THEIR room surrounded by all THEIR stuff, it's hardly a punishment!

Yes it might be their house too, but that doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want whenever they want eg running a bath at midnight or deciding to bake a cake at 2am.

I know all families are different but the OP is saying this is what she wants and she is definitely NBU.

[CharleyDavidson]

My 11 and 15 yo dds are told to start switching off computers/TV etc about 8pm to start winding down. DD1 is revising for exams and uses her computer a lot for homework as well as revision and her downtime of writing her own novels. But at least an hour or so of no screen is what we want before she's supposed to go to bed.

Then they are both asked to do teeth and go to bed at 8pm. They are allowed to listen to music/read in their rooms but they are banished, I suppose.

DD2, regular as clockwork, comes out of her room when I go to bed at 11 to say something or other to me and have a goodnight kiss.

DD1 spends most of her time in her room given half the chance and enjoys (as do I), time spent lying in her bed thinking her own thoughts and has no wish to stay up later with us watching DH's choice of TV programmes etc.

[Dragongirl10]

I am surprised by the late bedtimes here my dcs 8 and 10 are always in bed by 8pm otherwise they are tired for school, they have to be up by 6.45am and their days are long .

How do those with dcs going to bed much later keep them alert at school and for homework/clubs etc.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Actually, isn'tthe ewhole bedtime debate a bit of a red herring anyway?

Aren't the most important things going on in the OP:

"She kept ignoring me"

and one parent failing to support the other, when 11 year old kept ignoring her other parent.

No united parenting front followed by private discussion and compromise but instead open disregard for child blanking her mother and verbal confirmation that the mother's instructions can be ignored if the father doesn't mind...

[Palomb]

Mine are 11 and 7 and are both in bed by 8 most days. The 11yo is happy to read to herself for an hour and then goes to sleep.

It's how it has always been for them and how it was for me as a child. Things are more laid back at the weekend and they're both up till 9.30 but no later.

Our house is very small if the kids were up untill 10 hous would I ever get to watch the walking dead?

[cariadlet]

My 13 year old dd needs to be up at 6.30 so it's a 9 o'clock bedtime on a school night. If she wants to read in bed then she needs go up earlier - otherwise it's lights out. She likes listening to music, but I make her have it at a really low volume so that it helps her drift off to sleep rather than keeping her awake.

I don't mind her staying up for an extra hour or so at weekends or in the holidays, when she can wake up naturally, but she really needs her sleep.

I think that teenagers need a good bedtime routine just as much as younger children - although I'm sure that will be a battle in a couple of years time. There's so much evidence now about the importance of sleep, and plenty of research showing that most teenagers don't get enough sleep.

[hettie]

You have a sh problem. He needs to step up and interact with his DD. Oh, and a 9pm bedtime seems reasonable

[CandyCrusher]

It's hardly "banishing" them to say they have to be in bed by 9.30pm at the age of 11, FFS!
My now 12 year old (nearly 13) has just started turning lights off at 9pm at the latest on a school night. He'll read in bed from half 8, lights off at 9.
Not any later, as he's an early riser and always has been, and an absolute nightmare mood wise if in bed any later!
You need to talk to your DH. How is it ever going to be any better if you say one thing, and in front of your DD he says "I don't mind" and effectively undermining you?!
I couldn't be doing with that, and shows DD that it's OK to carry on ignoring mum as Dad says it's OK.
Kids NEED set bedtimes in my opinion. The routine's good if nothing else.
Rather that and be refreshed than no bedtime and just wander around as you please and do what you like.

[ChocolateStash]

I wouldn't want my dc hearing the type of "adult" conversations, me and dh have. When we were kids, parents were the adults and children did as they were told or you didn't live to tell the tale
There was no discussion, it was like;
Mum; It's bedtime! Go upstairs, brush your teeth and into bed now please!

[BertrandRussell]

Perfectly happy with set bed times. Perfectly happy with bed and half an hour's reading time.

I just don't like the idea of children being told that they aren't welcome in the communal areas of their own house for periods of time before bedtime.

[MattDillonsPants]

Bertrand but it was past her bedtime...not before.

[fieldfare]

I too don't have an issue with "banishing" Dd upstairs for bed.
Similarly, I don't mind being "banished" from the den when she has friends over.
She's 13, has Air cadets twice a week which mean a 10:30 bedtime, the other two nights inbetween she goes up at 8:30 and reads til 9 ish but gets up everyday at 6. Weekends are later depending on what we're doing or want to watch.

I think you and your Dh need to get on the same page, he can't undermine you, that's ridiculous. There's a compromise to reach where everyone is happy.

[ginorwine]

Op I too struggle at times to share space with folk including Dh .
My dc are now teens and stay up later than I do .i think that the transition between now and older teens may be hard for you and it might be worth thinking of strategies . For eg my teens needed to talk about their day at around ten thirty naturally - they came in , saw pals . Did homework , had dinner etc and it was if they were wired to off load worries etc then . Teens I think need a lot of subtle being there support ongoing .
I dd struggle at first to stay awake but I took steps such as go for a walk round the block , had a bath , etc look after myself so that I had the energy to look after them at a time which was not natural to my body clock . I also got it to the habit of asking did anyone want a hot drink / snack when they were in their rooms earlier in the evening so that they came downstairs and they had chance to chat ( as well as at dinner ) earlier than they naturally would .
I think it can feel stressful if you need time alone so build it in - I also think young folk just sometimes are reassured that you are there and hover accordingly !
They have a lot to deal with in school throughout these years and they need , I think , to dissipate it all . Mind you , when I was a child these things were not really considered but I do remember being worried in my bed and not feeling I could get out and go and see anyone . ...

[kissedbyamoonbeam]

'Banished' to their bedrooms It's tough being a kid today. It really is. Lack of boundaries. Lack of sleep. Adults not being in charge and keeping their kids feeling secure. The NHS have had to publish posters and leaflets with sleep guidelines for parents.
I agree the real issue is lack of support from your partner. You need to get that sorted. Your DD knows you are divided and is doing what kids do.

[wallybantersjunkbox]

I don't see it as being banished either.

My DS is 11, he is growing into an adult and needs the sleep. Mornings are a nightmare otherwise.

I don't know enough about your condition sorry, but it's important that you feel relaxed and respected too.

Can you speak to your partner about some support, to give her an hour before bed of unbroken time, prepare yourself for all the conversations and tell her this is the time for any discussions she might want. I sometimes do this in DS's bedroom before lights out. He used to have a knack of saving important and urgent conversations just when I said "up to bed"

He gets into pjs for 8.30pm. Then into bed for a bit of a read or iPad for 30 minutes to wind down and relax.

I think he enjoys this quiet time a lot.

11 isn't that old, however grown up he feels, he still likes to be "tucked in".

Weekends are free and easy, depending on how he behaves.

[motherinferior]

Like Bertrand, I don't have a bedtime problem; but the idea of telling my kids that part of their own home is out of bounds doesn't sit right with me.

I frequently bugger off to my own, rather nice, bedroom. But actually if one of my offspring shows up in my company in the evening, I'm quite pleased. I like them. We all live together but I don't really see nearly enough of them, not in a hanging-out-having-a-chat sort of way. I'm not going to tell them "go away, I want to talk to your father instead"!

[MattDillonsPants]

Mother well I like my children too you know

I see plenty of them though and at night, I like to discuss things which aren't suitable for children. Or watch something which isn't suitable for children.

So, part of their home must stay out of bounds or they will be exposed to unsuitable language.