To want DD in bed by 9.30pm?

[MattDillonsPants]

She's 11....DH thinks that she should be allowed to wander out of her room and sit in the sitting room with us for a while if she wants.

I say no.

I need to feel that parenting is over at SOME point. She doesn't just sit quietly...she talks a LOT and it's usally to me as DH is engrossed in sport on TV.

I'm pissed off because she just came in (in Oz...night time here) and sat down and I said "You're meant to be in bed now>.."

And she kept ignoring me so I said to DH "Can you offer me some support here?" and he said "I don't mind her sitting here for a bit"

BUT I DO!!

I love her of course and have had quality time witb her today...but now...it's MY time!

[wallybantersjunkbox]

Actually I wouldn't have any problem at all to tell my DS that his mum and dad need to have some time together and he needs to go to bed.

Just as a single parent I tell him I need an hour to myself after a busy day, and it's time for bed.

[Iggi999]

How does other people wanting/needing time alone "scupper" you Motherinferior?

[BertrandRussell]

"Might be time to explain to her that the relationship between a couple is something that needs time and attention, and for that, you and your husband need to be alone together daily."

Jesus. You'd say that to an 11 year old? Right then.

OP- you need to talk to your dp and decide between you on a bed time. How about saying that bed time is 9.30 and she can spend the hour before that either with you in the living room sticking to my "grown up rules apply" system or in her room doing something else. That gives her a choice, might make her feel less left out and get you what you want- which is her in bed at 9.30.

[motherinferior]

Alone daily?

That's me scuppered, then.

[timelytess]

OP its perfectly ok to have a 9.30 'to your room and stay there' deadline for an 11 year old.She is perfectly old enough to understand that you need time to recuperate from your day.
Just be absolutely sure she has time with you one-to-one every day
Obviously you've made her own room comfortable and pleasant to be in, and she'll get used to having private time and appreciate it - if she doesn't want you to tuck her in, she's halfway there already. She can put her important thoughts and questions in a notebook or email them to you to answer the next day.
Sounds to me like she's feeling 'left out'. Might be time to explain to her that the relationship between a couple is something that needs time and attention, and for that, you and your husband need to be alone together daily.
I'd be a bit wary of his attitude, though. If he's encouraging her to be there when you want to be alone with him, that's a problem.

[Sunnydaysrock]

My DD is 12 and she talks loads too! I couldn't love her any more, but you definitely need a break in the evening. 9.30 is more than ok. I try to get DD up by 9 so she can read for a bit. She's always up really early, she doesn't need tons of sleep. But when we say it's bedtime, that's it. Nothing wrong with wanting alone/adult time.

[Iggi999]

Dh and I like time in separate rooms for some of the evening. We don't refer to it as banishing, because it's mutually beneficial! But even when it's the dcs that are teenagers, I will still need some time on my own, as will they.

[corythatwas]

No, absolutely agree, Matt. By the time she is 14 or 15, not only will this whole situation have changed, but you may well find that it is far easier to strike a reasonable compromise with her.

[WorraLiberty]

My 13yr old is in his bedroom by 9.30pm on a school night.

I don't care what time he falls asleep as he has no trouble getting up in the mornings, but 9.30pm is 'bedroom time'.

[Dancergirl]

Also OP, you'll start enjoying her company more as she gets older and they'll be programmes you can watch together. My dds love The Apprentice, Bake Off and Would I Lie to you...it's nice watching stuff together.

[MattDillonsPants]

11 is nowhere near adult.

When she's 14 or 15 I"m not going to be banishing her...but she can hardly sit there whilst I watch Peaky Blinders at 11 can she!?

[corythatwas]

MattDillonsPants Fri 06-May-16 10:35:52

"Nicki that's it! Even if DH is out I want to be me for a while and not Mummy."

Nothing wrong with that. Just pointing out that a time is coming when you need to get used to thinking of her as another (near-)adult who is living in your home and feel able to more or less be "you" in her presence. But she is only 11: there is plenty of time.

[MotherKat]

Oh may back you up more if you remind him that she can't have screens after 9, so of he's OK with her being up he needs to turn the telly off.

[MattDillonsPants]

Nicki that's it! Even if DH is out I want to be me for a while and not Mummy.

[NickiFury]

I'm a single parent so I don't prefer to talk to anyone else instead of my children but I need a couple of hours in the evening to read, watch GOT or just be, with no one asking for anything or expecting me to mentally engage with them. Also for those mentioning late bedtimes our school is five minutes walk away and starts at nine, so we don't roll out of bed till 8, sometimes even quarter past. We are very lucky. If we had to be up at six like many on here they'd be going to bed much earlier.

So it's not a case of banishing them at all, just giving myself a necessary break because I have no one to share the load with.

[MattDillonsPants]

Mother well I like my children too you know

I see plenty of them though and at night, I like to discuss things which aren't suitable for children. Or watch something which isn't suitable for children.

So, part of their home must stay out of bounds or they will be exposed to unsuitable language.

[motherinferior]

Like Bertrand, I don't have a bedtime problem; but the idea of telling my kids that part of their own home is out of bounds doesn't sit right with me.

I frequently bugger off to my own, rather nice, bedroom. But actually if one of my offspring shows up in my company in the evening, I'm quite pleased. I like them. We all live together but I don't really see nearly enough of them, not in a hanging-out-having-a-chat sort of way. I'm not going to tell them "go away, I want to talk to your father instead"!

[wallybantersjunkbox]

I don't see it as being banished either.

My DS is 11, he is growing into an adult and needs the sleep. Mornings are a nightmare otherwise.

I don't know enough about your condition sorry, but it's important that you feel relaxed and respected too.

Can you speak to your partner about some support, to give her an hour before bed of unbroken time, prepare yourself for all the conversations and tell her this is the time for any discussions she might want. I sometimes do this in DS's bedroom before lights out. He used to have a knack of saving important and urgent conversations just when I said "up to bed"

He gets into pjs for 8.30pm. Then into bed for a bit of a read or iPad for 30 minutes to wind down and relax.

I think he enjoys this quiet time a lot.

11 isn't that old, however grown up he feels, he still likes to be "tucked in".

Weekends are free and easy, depending on how he behaves.

[kissedbyamoonbeam]

'Banished' to their bedrooms It's tough being a kid today. It really is. Lack of boundaries. Lack of sleep. Adults not being in charge and keeping their kids feeling secure. The NHS have had to publish posters and leaflets with sleep guidelines for parents.
I agree the real issue is lack of support from your partner. You need to get that sorted. Your DD knows you are divided and is doing what kids do.

[ginorwine]

Op I too struggle at times to share space with folk including Dh .
My dc are now teens and stay up later than I do .i think that the transition between now and older teens may be hard for you and it might be worth thinking of strategies . For eg my teens needed to talk about their day at around ten thirty naturally - they came in , saw pals . Did homework , had dinner etc and it was if they were wired to off load worries etc then . Teens I think need a lot of subtle being there support ongoing .
I dd struggle at first to stay awake but I took steps such as go for a walk round the block , had a bath , etc look after myself so that I had the energy to look after them at a time which was not natural to my body clock . I also got it to the habit of asking did anyone want a hot drink / snack when they were in their rooms earlier in the evening so that they came downstairs and they had chance to chat ( as well as at dinner ) earlier than they naturally would .
I think it can feel stressful if you need time alone so build it in - I also think young folk just sometimes are reassured that you are there and hover accordingly !
They have a lot to deal with in school throughout these years and they need , I think , to dissipate it all . Mind you , when I was a child these things were not really considered but I do remember being worried in my bed and not feeling I could get out and go and see anyone . ...

[fieldfare]

I too don't have an issue with "banishing" Dd upstairs for bed.
Similarly, I don't mind being "banished" from the den when she has friends over.
She's 13, has Air cadets twice a week which mean a 10:30 bedtime, the other two nights inbetween she goes up at 8:30 and reads til 9 ish but gets up everyday at 6. Weekends are later depending on what we're doing or want to watch.

I think you and your Dh need to get on the same page, he can't undermine you, that's ridiculous. There's a compromise to reach where everyone is happy.

[MattDillonsPants]

Bertrand but it was past her bedtime...not before.

[BertrandRussell]

Perfectly happy with set bed times. Perfectly happy with bed and half an hour's reading time.

I just don't like the idea of children being told that they aren't welcome in the communal areas of their own house for periods of time before bedtime.

[ChocolateStash]

I wouldn't want my dc hearing the type of "adult" conversations, me and dh have. When we were kids, parents were the adults and children did as they were told or you didn't live to tell the tale
There was no discussion, it was like;
Mum; It's bedtime! Go upstairs, brush your teeth and into bed now please!

[CandyCrusher]

It's hardly "banishing" them to say they have to be in bed by 9.30pm at the age of 11, FFS!
My now 12 year old (nearly 13) has just started turning lights off at 9pm at the latest on a school night. He'll read in bed from half 8, lights off at 9.
Not any later, as he's an early riser and always has been, and an absolute nightmare mood wise if in bed any later!
You need to talk to your DH. How is it ever going to be any better if you say one thing, and in front of your DD he says "I don't mind" and effectively undermining you?!
I couldn't be doing with that, and shows DD that it's OK to carry on ignoring mum as Dad says it's OK.
Kids NEED set bedtimes in my opinion. The routine's good if nothing else.
Rather that and be refreshed than no bedtime and just wander around as you please and do what you like.