To want DD in bed by 9.30pm?

[MattDillonsPants]

She's 11....DH thinks that she should be allowed to wander out of her room and sit in the sitting room with us for a while if she wants.

I say no.

I need to feel that parenting is over at SOME point. She doesn't just sit quietly...she talks a LOT and it's usally to me as DH is engrossed in sport on TV.

I'm pissed off because she just came in (in Oz...night time here) and sat down and I said "You're meant to be in bed now>.."

And she kept ignoring me so I said to DH "Can you offer me some support here?" and he said "I don't mind her sitting here for a bit"

BUT I DO!!

I love her of course and have had quality time witb her today...but now...it's MY time!

[NickiFury]

I'm a single parent so I don't prefer to talk to anyone else instead of my children but I need a couple of hours in the evening to read, watch GOT or just be, with no one asking for anything or expecting me to mentally engage with them. Also for those mentioning late bedtimes our school is five minutes walk away and starts at nine, so we don't roll out of bed till 8, sometimes even quarter past. We are very lucky. If we had to be up at six like many on here they'd be going to bed much earlier.

So it's not a case of banishing them at all, just giving myself a necessary break because I have no one to share the load with.

[MattDillonsPants]

Nicki that's it! Even if DH is out I want to be me for a while and not Mummy.

[MotherKat]

Oh may back you up more if you remind him that she can't have screens after 9, so of he's OK with her being up he needs to turn the telly off.

[corythatwas]

MattDillonsPants Fri 06-May-16 10:35:52

"Nicki that's it! Even if DH is out I want to be me for a while and not Mummy."

Nothing wrong with that. Just pointing out that a time is coming when you need to get used to thinking of her as another (near-)adult who is living in your home and feel able to more or less be "you" in her presence. But she is only 11: there is plenty of time.

[MattDillonsPants]

11 is nowhere near adult.

When she's 14 or 15 I"m not going to be banishing her...but she can hardly sit there whilst I watch Peaky Blinders at 11 can she!?

[Dancergirl]

Also OP, you'll start enjoying her company more as she gets older and they'll be programmes you can watch together. My dds love The Apprentice, Bake Off and Would I Lie to you...it's nice watching stuff together.

[WorraLiberty]

My 13yr old is in his bedroom by 9.30pm on a school night.

I don't care what time he falls asleep as he has no trouble getting up in the mornings, but 9.30pm is 'bedroom time'.

[corythatwas]

No, absolutely agree, Matt. By the time she is 14 or 15, not only will this whole situation have changed, but you may well find that it is far easier to strike a reasonable compromise with her.

[Iggi999]

Dh and I like time in separate rooms for some of the evening. We don't refer to it as banishing, because it's mutually beneficial! But even when it's the dcs that are teenagers, I will still need some time on my own, as will they.

[Sunnydaysrock]

My DD is 12 and she talks loads too! I couldn't love her any more, but you definitely need a break in the evening. 9.30 is more than ok. I try to get DD up by 9 so she can read for a bit. She's always up really early, she doesn't need tons of sleep. But when we say it's bedtime, that's it. Nothing wrong with wanting alone/adult time.

[timelytess]

OP its perfectly ok to have a 9.30 'to your room and stay there' deadline for an 11 year old.She is perfectly old enough to understand that you need time to recuperate from your day.
Just be absolutely sure she has time with you one-to-one every day
Obviously you've made her own room comfortable and pleasant to be in, and she'll get used to having private time and appreciate it - if she doesn't want you to tuck her in, she's halfway there already. She can put her important thoughts and questions in a notebook or email them to you to answer the next day.
Sounds to me like she's feeling 'left out'. Might be time to explain to her that the relationship between a couple is something that needs time and attention, and for that, you and your husband need to be alone together daily.
I'd be a bit wary of his attitude, though. If he's encouraging her to be there when you want to be alone with him, that's a problem.

[motherinferior]

Alone daily?

That's me scuppered, then.

[BertrandRussell]

"Might be time to explain to her that the relationship between a couple is something that needs time and attention, and for that, you and your husband need to be alone together daily."

Jesus. You'd say that to an 11 year old? Right then.

OP- you need to talk to your dp and decide between you on a bed time. How about saying that bed time is 9.30 and she can spend the hour before that either with you in the living room sticking to my "grown up rules apply" system or in her room doing something else. That gives her a choice, might make her feel less left out and get you what you want- which is her in bed at 9.30.

[Iggi999]

How does other people wanting/needing time alone "scupper" you Motherinferior?

[wallybantersjunkbox]

Actually I wouldn't have any problem at all to tell my DS that his mum and dad need to have some time together and he needs to go to bed.

Just as a single parent I tell him I need an hour to myself after a busy day, and it's time for bed.