To want DD in bed by 9.30pm?

[MattDillonsPants]

She's 11....DH thinks that she should be allowed to wander out of her room and sit in the sitting room with us for a while if she wants.

I say no.

I need to feel that parenting is over at SOME point. She doesn't just sit quietly...she talks a LOT and it's usally to me as DH is engrossed in sport on TV.

I'm pissed off because she just came in (in Oz...night time here) and sat down and I said "You're meant to be in bed now>.."

And she kept ignoring me so I said to DH "Can you offer me some support here?" and he said "I don't mind her sitting here for a bit"

BUT I DO!!

I love her of course and have had quality time witb her today...but now...it's MY time!

my 9yo normally turns in at 8-8.30, but is allowed to stay up late on Friday and Saturday

we do however say that after 8.30 is grown-up time ie she's welcome to be up and in the sitting room with us, but we get some say in what's on TV/DVD, toys are away, no noisy gadgets etc. If someone's reading or watching the football engaged in something else then she mustn't expect that we will stop doing whatever it is to engage in more child-focused activities.

to be fair, she's actually pretty good company, and it's nice to watch some TV together or play a more grown-up board game with her.

What if you want to watch something on TV which is unsuitable for young teens? I banish mine - younger ones in bed and settled by 8, then 11 year old can stay up but not in the livingroom (has a desk in the hall or can go to own room. Occasionally we'll watch a film together first.) because it's grownup time. Kids are always welcome if they want to talk, (and do come down so they can ask / tell something 1:1) but not as a general rule and know the livingroom is a grownup zone after bedtime. 11 year old then goes to bed around 9:30.
I don't want to have to make sure everything I watch / say is a 12A or under all evening.... ;)

Jimmy I also have an 8 year old and there's quite a big difference between 9 and 11. DD is independent in a way that most 9 year olds aren't and I'm sure she sees herself as quite grown up ....but she's not. She can walk to school alone or visit the shops but she can't hear everything I might want to discuss with DH.

My almost 10 year old doesn't usually go to sleep until 10ish, but he's upstairs from 8.30pm, after that its adult time. He just reads in his room usually.

Yanbu op. She's nearly a teenager and it will change then but for now 9.30 is fine. My eldest is only 8 but I get like you and need adult time on the evening, dh is like yours and would let the dcs stay up longer. I'm at home with at least one dc all day and dh is at work, I get to about 7pm and want peace and quiet whereas dh hasn't seen the dcs all day but neither does he have to deal with tired kids on a school morning so he goes along with bedtime at 7, later at the weekend.

Your ASD is relevant and if you do decide to let your dd stay up later it should be with the proviso that she isn't allowed to constantly chatter away to you, she needs to be quiet and if she isn't she's sent straight to bed. It's not fair that you should have to suffer physical pain because she wants to talk late at night. Your dh should back you up because it you having to deal with it while he's buried in the television.

I don;t mind now and then...weekend etc. I'm definitely going to change the dining room. We don't even use it....then I can hide in there!

I have made massive strides recently in being able to cope with unexpected visitors.

That's something I couldn't do before we emigrated...but people are so sociable here I had to change or DH and the DC would be missing out.

I've learned to cope when kids or adults arrive unexpectedly....no doubt I will learn to cope when DD stays up!

Ds1 is 10.5 and he is definately still sent to bed (in his case at 8.30pm but that's because he wakes up at 6am no matter what). By 13/14 I'll be OK with him going up to bed when we do (10pm) but right now I want some time to watch Tv that isn't suitable for him and talk about stuff that doesn't interest him - or like the OP not talk at all.

My nearly 11 year old goes to bed at 7:30pm, 8pm on non school nights :o

In my defence (not that I feel I need to defend myself actually :o ) this is not so we can have an evening but because she has to get up at 5:45am to catch a 6:40am school bus. She needs to go up to bed at 7:30pm, and be asleep by 8:30pm, in order to get 9.5 hours sleep.

Actually she should probably go earlier, but I can't bring myself to put her to bed before her 5 year old brother :o

I don't send her either - I take her upstairs and read her a story, then she has half an hour to read or write or draw til I go back up and turn her light off :o

On the other hand she is allowed to stay home alone for up to an hour, she gets herself to school in the mornings (I wave her off from the door step like a 1970s mum), when she has afternoon classes at school she and her peers are allowed to go into town for lunch unsupervised, she cooks the family evening meal or lunch when it takes her fancy to do so a couple of times per month with no or minimal help, and she is allowed to cycle to her friend's house 3 miles away during the day as long as she texts me when she gets there and before she sets off for home, so I don't think she is babied really :o

I wouldn't mind her being in the communal space if I had my own space - I'm desperate to be alone after a certain point in the day, very common in introverted people. Generally though parents' room is viewed as somewhere you can march in and out of!
And in general I think most people get less sleep than they need anyway.

I do let her read or whatever once she's gone to bed. I was still trying to "put her to bed" until quite recently but she sacked me from the job telling me it basically annoyed her having me infiltrate her space in order to tuck her in!

I do give her a hug and all that...tell her I love her and good night...but then she appears again with some important thought or request....

My parents weren't quite as blunt as yours EatShitDerek but the feeling was the same.

Rules were IIRC 8:30 from 8y-9y; 9:00 from age10-11

At 11 or 12 ish you still were expected to be in your room by 9:00 but lights out wasn't till 10: 00.

And then starting senior school at 13y no official bedtime but no later than 11:00.

It does depend on the child how much sleep they need; but I agree that adults are entitled to some downtime .

Matt I don't think you need to be guilted into letting her get up after she has gone to bed (except to go to the toilet or get water/ tissues or if ill obviously). Quite aside from your own needs, she needs good sleep habits, and establishing the idea that you need not have a regular bed time and if you go to bed it is totally fine to expect to then get up and wander about and have a chat, then wander back to bed then get up again etc. is not good sleep hygiene long term.

Set her a school night bed time that gives her the amount of sleep she needs plus a maximum of say an hour quiet time in her room to read or draw or do puzzles - quiet non screen stuff.

On non school nights you could give up the bed time as a very fair compromise with your DH's views and set up the dining room as your retreat - after all there are probably as many non school nights as school nights in a year, when you count not only every Friday and Saturday night but all the school holidays and additional one off non school days.

11 is not 15 and an 11 year old is absolutely not too old for a parentally imposed set bedtime (nor for no screens after bedtime). You can review the situation as she grows up of course - you might want to be more flexible a year or two down the line.

Really 11 year olds still need set bedtimes to get enough sleep in order to get up for school, even without taking parental needs into account!

If she is old enough to be up during "adult" time, then she needs to be mature enough to e.g. step away if you and your dh want to have an adult conversation, accept that certain viewing is not for her so she needs to stay out of the room. If she can't, then she has just demonstrated that she is not mature enough for adult privileges.

Ime there comes a time, somewhere between 11 and 15, where you stop thinking of them as children and start thinking of them as young adults in the making. When that time comes will depend partly on you, but partly on the child: how good they are at self-regulating, how mature they are in their consideration for others etc.

I don't really think you can tell your 18yo Sixth Former that they have to go to bed at 9.30 so you and dad can have a private conversation- but hopefully by that time you won't have to. So I'd say it's largely a question of when you feel you do have to. With my 15yo I feel we have reached that stage: can't think of anything I might want to watch that would shock him (he is the one reading Sociology, not me) and he is quite mature enough to understand what a couple is and that might want to have a private conversation. But I can't quite pinpoint when it happened. Just that it has and that there is no going back now.
(though I'd still gently remind him to get enough sleep- just as I do with dh when he looks tired and I know he has an early start)

I think banishing midweek is perfectly fine. Particularly if it's a school night.

Maybe relax the rules at the weekend a bit.

Laughing at the suggestion of a 8pm bedtime for an 11yo!

12yo gets booted out upstairs at 10pm. He shares with his brother, so we can't send him up there to entertain himself any earlier. Have relinquished our Scandi Noir habit, as by the time DS1 has gone, DH is asleep on the sofa and we just couldn't keep up with the iPlayer deadlines.

We're a neurodiverse household and DS1 is often at a bouncy and tired, but not ready to settle stage after 9pm (he'll occasionally volunteer to go up that early, but his 10yo brother is often still awake and they end up screeching at each other). One of DS1's current fixations is asking me endless questions. We don't allow that after 9pm and he has to be doing something quietly. He currently spends that hour drawing/lounging on sofa/listening to walkman/watching The Chase (often all at the same time).

The boys are often up at 5am, so a later night is out of the question!

ouryve you are free to laugh, but how rude of you

Just because your 12 year old goes to bed at 10pm doesn't mean somebody else's doesn't need to go at 8pm.

Or 7:30pm, which is when mine goes up to bed (a few weeks off turning 11) and will continue to do so on a school night for as long as she is out like a light within minutes of her bedside light going off at 8:30pm and doesn't wake til her 5:45am alarm goes off in the morning.

There is no point in talking about bedtime without knowing waking up time, and even then people (of all ages) all need different amounts of sleep in order to get up and function properly the next day.

Sorry - cross posted with your second post, perhaps you were not laughing in superior disbelief (the way parent of older kids do at parents of younger kids being idealistic) but more of a wry "I wish"" laugh - in that case sorry ouryve

Op you don't have to change things if you don't want to, plenty of people here think yanbu.

I personally think that 9pm on a school night is fine, even on a weekend if they can watch a film in their rooms at that time.

If you wanted to, you could take yourself up at 9 for some peace, leave dd and make sure your dh is the one dragging her out of bed and dealing with the tiredness (if you think that late nights would affect her badly).

MattDillonsPants silly question but does your daughter know you have ASD, and therefore would she understand why you want some space? I must admit I would l just say go to your room and get out of my space

(I think personally it's a little early but my child is a late riser)

Mine went to bed at 8 - 8.30pm at 11. Still primary school age. Added to which hatr all the moaning about their kids in the morning from parents that don't put them to bed before 9.30pm.

Now at secondary but unless it's weekend/ sleepover he's in bed by 9pm.
Otherwise how are late nights any fun?

I still banish my 13 year old at 9.30. He's welcome to faff about in his room but after 9.30 it's our time. I think that's perfectly reasonable. He's generally asleep by about 9.45.

I think 9.30 is late for an 11 year old. Our year six 11 year old is in bed for 8.15.

9pm seems fine to me as well.

DS1 would stay up all night given the chance but he has to get up at 6.30am (and to be fair he naturally gets up at this time), but time he's settled in bed and fussed about a bit it's at least 30 minutes before he's asleep.....(he's like me takes a while to unwind for sleep) whereas DS2 and DH are asleep within minutes!

At 11 they do need their sleep and if they don't "self regulate" they won't function at their best.

So it's as much about what is good for them as what is good for you!