AIBU to Worry that Mumsnetters Can be Too Mean and Judgemental?

[LizzyELane]

I first posted on MN several years ago (under a different name) to ask other mums what they thought of a difficult relationship situation I was in. I literally had nowhere else to turn. The replies I had were many and varied but the negativity I received over a pretty reasonable subject was unbelievable. It put me off to be honest. I'm not some do-goody prat and I like to spout off at the best of times, but sometimes reading the highlighted posts on here makes me think of how when we are all in shops and our trolley or basket bumps someone else's and we all fall over ourselves to say 'oops sorry' , but then when in our cars protected by the metal and distance we shout and swear and let rip at the slightest thing!!

Are there any kind Mumsnetters out there who can restore my faith in MN that we are here to support each other and not be evil or nasty? Constructive/helpful comments or constructive criticism is different to just being mean. BTW I'm not a fluffy wetty, I just hate pointless negativity!

It depends where you post

AIBU is not the best place to post for advice as you get a lot of people who enjoy an argument hovering there.

If it's relationship advice you are after, post in the relationship section.

You will get more help there

Ah I see, I'm a bit of a newbie so thanks for the advice! Sad that people hover looking for arguments though!! But thank you!

If you hide the right topics (ie AIBU) it means you will miss most of the mean and judgemental stuff.

Also hide threads as you go.

It's a minefield working out where to post sometimes.

_chat are generally a lovely bunch but you can get some one putting the boot in occasionally.

There are usually sub forums for most things. It's just finding the right one

I like your analogy about the car that's pretty much summed it up.

But, there are plenty of smart, nice people about. And unlike in person you CAN ignore the ranty sneery folk.

Also think really carefully before you post because some people will look to misinterpret it wherever possible. Don't give them the chance to.

MN is definitely too mean and judgemental. But yabu to worry about it- what a waste of brain space. Just don't use MN. Most people don't, it's not mandatory

Agree with Sparkling there's loads of comments and posts I'd like to make but I don't bother because I know I'd get turned on.

To be fair, starting an AIBU thread to discuss how mean and judgey we all are might not be the best method to test your theory?

If you would like a proper positive example of how kind and lovely some MNers are, I recently posted in Style and Beauty for advice on haircuts as I am losing my hair - I got some lovely helpful replies (and PMs) and one MNer sent me a beautiful and very costly wig - from overseas! - and refused any payment at all. It was so kind and so much appreciated. I may or may not have cried a bit

Treat people how you would like to be treated and stay away from AIBU, is my advice.

Don't think before you post other people's stupidity isn't your problem.

I agree that there are lots of helpful, extremely nice (not to mention very knowledgeable) Mumsnetters, but I've also had some pretty frosty responses I can tell you. Most people help and support each other, so I'm sorry you encountered some negativity.
There is some good techy help above, which I will use in future.

Wishing you better luck in the future!

I'd say the vast majority of Mumsnetters are lovely but, naturally, the knobheads stand out more. Just never expect a reasonable response on AIBU and you'll be grand (or amazed if you get normal replies).

I like AIBU but it is the circus tent of the site, with the tea and sympathy bits elsewhere. I find Jeremy Kyle fascinating though and this can get a bit Kyle. I also like the thing about it which means you become a kind of agony aunt. I like stories, basically.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

Here is relationship section if you stil need a bit of help

Honey

There are a small but definitely vocal minoriry on here who could start an argument in an empty room, but they have very sad lives so don't let it worry you x

I think the best way to post on here is to read once, read again, read a third time and then press post. In AIBU there will be people sometimes looking to get offended. the key word in AIBU is "some" if you don't want to be pounced on. Throw it in whenever.

Thanks for your advice everyone! I did actually post on the Relationships bit previously but got so ripped I gave up (although it was 50/50 with good and supportive suggestions too) Buckinbronco, I don't wan't to waste my brain space haha, just wondering if MN people can be helpful or if I can help them maybe? But thanks for your advice!!

Just do what I do and tell them to faaaaaaaaaaaaack aaaaaaaaaaaaaff!!!!

I think on AIBU, it may be mean, but you will ALWAYS get an honest answer.
The thing about it is that we may be a nest of vipers, but when the chips are down they really really will support and go way above and beyond.

Post in AIBU if it is parking, nanny, MIL related.

Post in relationships if you want advice as to how best to LTB.

Post in chat for anything else.

AIBU is a well established bunfight - that's the fun of it!

I don't know, it's all about perspective.

I've seen OPs shout "bullying vipers" because they don't like the fact that everyone is telling them they are being unreasonable.

The tone of the OP often sets the tone of the response- if you come across as mean/rude/goady or simply idiotic it won't go well.

Similarly if you drip feed or reverse people feel their time has been wasted.

That said there obviously are occasions that people are deliberately horrible or mean. IME they are usually challenged by other poster's though.

MN isn't for the faint hearted. On balance, I think it is worth it though.

Miffle, thank you for your post! I only get the AIBU posts in my email plus the ones about really good products, beauty stuff, etc, so wasn't really aware about all the other sites! I've just been hovering for ages, I will take your advice :-)

Just remember that MN Talk is just an internet forum. You have no idea who anyone is or what they use the site for.
Random internet strangers can give you their opinion of a situation but that is all.

I've posted in Aibu & had the virtual s**t kicked out of me, but I shrug it off & move on. However. when I've really needed help MN had been amazing for me. Hope your experience is better this time around op.