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AIBU?

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Original poster

to withold contact

125 replies

Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:49

Exp is up to all his old tricks again

Very VERY long story cut short.... Exp quit job to avoid being caught up with CMS. He is wealthy, and refuses to pay out of spite ( not entirely sure why, he cheated on me, he ended the relationship with me when I was six months pregnantHmm)

So we had been to court as exp decided it wasn't his responsibility to return DS after contact each wkend, so just wouldn't return him! Angryand refused to give me any weekend time with DS as he thought DS should be with him every weekend and I was to have no quality time with DS

I had a thread on here a few weeks ago as after court and mediation, he started paying cm again , but once it was all over and he had no one to answer to, he stopped. It makes a huge difference to me financially and I struggle without it. So he successfully blackmailed me into travelling up again to collect DS when he has contact, I hated myself for it at the time, but it was that or get no cm, and i chose to get cm and give up my time to travel to collect despite his lawyer calling him out on it and saying t was HIS responsibility (45 min drive each way)

So I have met a new partner, and I'm very happy. Exp has gotten really asrsey with me lately and has now stopped paying CM. We're also off on holiday in a few days for 10 nights. After being hounded by exp for extra time with DS as I'm going on holiday, I had offered to give up my weekend with DS and said he could have him tonight, for two nights...but now he's not paying CM. I definitely can't afford the petrol to travel up and down, and know for a FACT that exp will just refuse to return him to me like he has done before so many times Sad even last week when I was really sick, I had a chest and viral infection, he still refused to return him to me as it was 'my' turn to travel.

Aibu to say no returning him then no contact and get advice again from my lawyer? I hate this Sad he doesn't do things by half though, so as he won't see him now for a few weeks he'll probably try to stop me going on holiday

OP posts:
AlanPacino · 27/02/2016 11:52

I think I'd offer to collect if he picks your ds up.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:52

I'm really at my wits end with him. Everything is about control, everything is about making my life difficult. He will do anything to stop paying cm yet pays for DS to get private skiing lessons and private swimming lessons each time he sees him. He's trying to buy DS , gives him all the sweets he wants and very little discipline.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:54

Really Alan, but I do 90% of the daily childcare, have 90% of the financial outlay and work full time. He doesn't work because he can afford not to, he has lots of spare time and spare money, and his lawyer has already told him it's he is responsible for DS when he is with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:57

And he can just get away with this? You think it's ok for him to withold child maintenance and I should just be ok with that and run around after him most weekends...really?

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:58

And he can just get away with this? You think it's ok for him to withold child maintenance and I should just be ok with that and run around after him most weekends...really? You think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Zampa · 27/02/2016 12:04

OP - I know it's hurting when you're in the back seat being treated like rubbish but I don't think withdrawing access is a solution. It's in your son's best interest to have a relationship with both parents.

If you can, suck it up and your son will, as he grows up, make his own decisions about his Dad. You shouldn't have to be the better person but I think you will have to be here.

We do pick ups and drop offs in a neutral location about half way between the 2 homes. However, it doesn't sound like your X is likely to consider any form of compromise.

Zariyah · 27/02/2016 12:07

Yes YWBU to deprive your son of a relationship. He's a twat, there's no doubt about it, but he's still the father of your child. The money issue is separate and not connected to access, as irritating as it may be.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:08

I don't want to withdraw access for long, just this weekend, I really cannot afford the petrol after childcare fees etc and now no cm in account. I just refuse to run around after him this weekend while he acts like King superior in charge of everything

OP posts:
phequer · 27/02/2016 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:11

But it's not about stopping their relationship, I wouldn't dream of doing that. If I do not have the funds to go collect DS due to him deciding on a whim he doesn't feel like paying cm, he simply will refuse to return DS to me! I've already compromised and went against what my lawyer advised and his lawyer told him. I'm already doing what he wants, it's not good enough for him though

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:12

But it's not about stopping their relationship, I wouldn't dream of doing that. If I do not have the funds to go collect DS due to him deciding on a whim he doesn't feel like paying cm, he simply will refuse to return DS to me! I've already compromised and went against what my lawyer advised and his lawyer told him. I'm already doing what he wants, it's not good enough for him though

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:13

But it's not about stopping their relationship, I wouldn't dream of doing that. I do not have the funds to go collect DS due to him deciding on a whim he doesn't feel like paying cm, he simply will refuse to return DS to me! I've already compromised and went against what my lawyer advised and his lawyer told him. I'm already doing what he wants, it's not good enough for him though

OP posts:
ZiggyFartdust · 27/02/2016 12:13

It's in the childs best interest to have contact with both parents WHEN those parents both put the child first and have the contact is good for the child.

I wouldn't send the child to his father when the father refuses to bring him back and refuses to pay the maintenance that is needed for the mother to have the means to pick him up.

Sounds like the father is using the child to get at the mother and that is not in the best interest of the child.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:14

Thank you ziggy

OP posts:
partialderivative · 27/02/2016 12:14

Agree with others, contact is so important.

Even if you hate him.

maddening · 27/02/2016 12:16

Make him do the pick up and you will collect him, that way he has to do one of the journeys - no pick up no contact

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 12:17

I meet my ex halfway when dropping and picking DD up. I wont go any further. He decided to move away, I do my parenting and his, I'm not doing anymore.

So yes, stop contact, email him telling him exactly why and contact the solicitor to see if you can sort it so he has to bring him back.

ravenAK · 27/02/2016 12:17

I'm with you, actually.

Your ex is responsible for the travelling as his own solicitor has told him. Tell him you are happy for him to have the access but can he please confirm he will be returning him, as there have previously been misunderstandings, & you are unable to collect?

If he says no, you regret that you won't be able to send ds off with him as ds will end up stranded.

If he doesn't want to be reasonable & act as his own solicitor has advised him is appropriate, it's up to him to get a court to mandate who does the travelling.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 27/02/2016 12:19

You're whining. Understandably, but still whining.

Tell your ex you will pick up if he collects first.

The money is nothing to do with this. You need to get it sorted, yes, but you're trying to put a monetary value on a parent/child relationship which is fucking stupid.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2016 12:19

I wouldnt facilitate contact with a parent who refuses to comply with the court order to return

I certainly wouldn't if I couldn't afford it either

Contact and money is not separate if you can't afford to pick them up

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/02/2016 12:20

You are not with holding contact - you are making the child available - just not dropping off -

Yes make him collect then it's his responsibility to do that - do this via email - so you have a paper trail -

State you will collect at X o'clock on Sunday

Ball in his court

Money wise - back to solicitor and an agreement should be made that if no CM money then Y will happen - don't know what? Fine? Breach of court order?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/02/2016 12:20

You are not with holding contact - you are making the child available - just not dropping off -

Yes make him collect then it's his responsibility to do that - do this via email - so you have a paper trail -

State you will collect at X o'clock on Sunday

Ball in his court

Money wise - back to solicitor and an agreement should be made that if no CM money then Y will happen - don't know what? Fine? Breach of court order?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2016 12:21

I agree with raven, if he refuses to take responsibility, he can apply to court, who will set out guidelines with regards to contact and travel arrangements, so it woukd officially put responsibility on him to bring ds back.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2016 12:25

That's a good idea, tell ex you will collect him from contact, if he picks up ds. If he refuses, that's his responsibility and failings, and as a result ds won't have contact. You are not withdrawing contact, and are making ds available, but as the child's other parent, he has a responsibility.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:31

Sorry I don't think I made myself clear, exp always collects DS. I always collect after contact, but really feel it is HIS responsibility as I already do 90% of the childcare, then I'm still running up to the city every weekend he has him, 3 out of 4 in the month!

OP posts:
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