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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to withold contact

125 replies

Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:49

Exp is up to all his old tricks again

Very VERY long story cut short.... Exp quit job to avoid being caught up with CMS. He is wealthy, and refuses to pay out of spite ( not entirely sure why, he cheated on me, he ended the relationship with me when I was six months pregnantHmm)

So we had been to court as exp decided it wasn't his responsibility to return DS after contact each wkend, so just wouldn't return him! Angryand refused to give me any weekend time with DS as he thought DS should be with him every weekend and I was to have no quality time with DS

I had a thread on here a few weeks ago as after court and mediation, he started paying cm again , but once it was all over and he had no one to answer to, he stopped. It makes a huge difference to me financially and I struggle without it. So he successfully blackmailed me into travelling up again to collect DS when he has contact, I hated myself for it at the time, but it was that or get no cm, and i chose to get cm and give up my time to travel to collect despite his lawyer calling him out on it and saying t was HIS responsibility (45 min drive each way)

So I have met a new partner, and I'm very happy. Exp has gotten really asrsey with me lately and has now stopped paying CM. We're also off on holiday in a few days for 10 nights. After being hounded by exp for extra time with DS as I'm going on holiday, I had offered to give up my weekend with DS and said he could have him tonight, for two nights...but now he's not paying CM. I definitely can't afford the petrol to travel up and down, and know for a FACT that exp will just refuse to return him to me like he has done before so many times Sad even last week when I was really sick, I had a chest and viral infection, he still refused to return him to me as it was 'my' turn to travel.

Aibu to say no returning him then no contact and get advice again from my lawyer? I hate this Sad he doesn't do things by half though, so as he won't see him now for a few weeks he'll probably try to stop me going on holiday

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 27/02/2016 18:51

Yep set firm boundaries and he just does as damn well pleases, like storming into op's house and grabbing a pre school child with no shoes or coat.

PirateSmile · 27/02/2016 18:54

Contact is for the benefit of the child, not the parents. The DS may cherish his time with the father. I sympathise with the OP but she would be wrong to unilaterally withhold contact.

BirthdayBetty · 27/02/2016 19:01

Pirate read op's post at 12.11.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 19:04

Pirate, are you capable of understanding or do you just think women should lie down and take this shit?

OP doesnt want to prevent their relationship, she just wants to ensure her son is returned to HIS home. You are jumping on the OP, claiming she wants to withhold her son from his father, what about a father who frequently threatens to withhold a child from his mother, with whom he spends majority of his time.

PirateSmile · 27/02/2016 19:06

I've read enough Birthday thank you very much. There's an order in place saying that contact is in the interests of the child. Her ex is obviously a prick but the boy has a right to see his father.
It is AIBU and I'm simply expressing my opinion. You obviously don't like people disagreeing with you Birthday Confused

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/02/2016 19:07

How exactly is she preventing contact pirate

All she's saying is domt collect him if you have no intention of returning him.

That places the ball firmly in dads court. As he then makes the decision as to collection or not.

Switchitup · 27/02/2016 19:11

Pirate the op has gone over and above by offering her weekend up to ex so that he and her dc don't have to go to long without seeing each other.

BirthdayBetty · 27/02/2016 19:12

Op actually suggested ex can have ds in her contact time, thereby enabling relationship between ds and ex, even though ds didn't want to go. Is it any wonder if he behaves in such a manner? The poor boy is probably frightened.

bumblebee1234 · 27/02/2016 19:20

I would talk to your lawyer. Your child will give him grief later on never buy love or friendship. Don't withhold contact and if he refuses to give your child back then call the police its kidnapping it's a court order he has to follow. Never withhold contact your son will see through him eventually.

PirateSmile · 27/02/2016 19:23

The whole point of this thread is that the OP is considering withholding contact...

Switchitup · 27/02/2016 19:30

Yes pirate she was considering not leaving ex have dc on her weekend due to him having form for not returning him. Hardly just stopping contact because she feels like it.

merseyside · 27/02/2016 19:30

There's nowt so blind as them that won't see.

Can you read, pirate?

Millymollymoo8 · 27/02/2016 19:32

I think that you have been too soft. (Sorry)
If my ex said he wasn't returning my child I'd ring the police. Then I'd be back in court to insist the judge made the arrangement clear.

I'd do this every time.

If he failed to pay maintenance I would use this to your advantage, refuse to pick child up, go back to court. Build a case against this idiot.

He's a bully, get tough on him.

Your lawyer told you that you wouldn't get eow!???? Surely not. New lawyer and back to court.

merseyside · 27/02/2016 19:32

If my ex calls me last minute and I say sorry we're busy, is that withholding contact?

Because Pirate you seem to think that the OP is duty bound to accept every scrap of random, not-court-ordered contact simply because she has been asked.

Which she isn't.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/02/2016 19:32

No pirate the question she is actually asking quite clearly is

AIBU to say don't collect if you will refuse to return.

That is not the same as withholding and you know it

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 19:33

Pirate, she was only thinking about that because she feared not getting him back.

How do you think that kid would feel being taken from the most consistant part of his life? My DD would cry everyday if she was taken from me and never returned.

ravenAK · 27/02/2016 19:35

She's actually offering extra contact, but her ex is failing to keep his end of the bargain by doing the travelling. He's also messing her about over money so that it will actually cause her (& ds) hardship if she does facilitate the extra contact - she'll have an additional journey to fund.

I think I would be refusing to hand ds over for contact until the ex starts behaving decently. The maintenance can be a separate issue, yes, if the ex stops forcing unsustainable extra costs on the OP. Whilst he's doing this I would argue that she has every right not to roll over & let him lump her with them.

PirateSmile · 27/02/2016 19:35

What's actually happened on this thread is that the OP originally asked if it was ok to withhold contact on the grounds of non-payment of maintenance. Then, when it was made clear to her that this wasn't ok, she then changed her position to 'I would never do anything to stop contact.'
That's how I see it at least Smile

captaincake · 27/02/2016 19:37

No the dad is considering withholding the contact the op is considering whether she should stop paying out money she doesn't have to facilitate the contact the dad is not.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/02/2016 19:38

Then you didn't read her first post.

She had a winge about the cm but the question she asked was right there in her very first post.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/02/2016 19:41

Can nothing legally be done over his wealth and him not paying CM?

That is what I would be looking into

I think this man resents you because you had his child...........

Bananatroopers · 27/02/2016 19:51

AIBU ...to withhold contact

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2016 19:57

Yes her title may have stated about with withholding contact, but really it is because her ex won't return ds like tge court has said he has to. In actual fact if ex were to tell op he is picking up and returning ds himself, op would be more than happy for him to do this, so really she is not withholding contact, ds is available for contact. I woukd e mail him, stating that you will only collect ds from ex. Therefore if ex wants contact he has to get off his arse and come and get him.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/02/2016 20:07

Aero.

He does collect him he just refuses to return

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2016 20:11

What I meant is that he should collect him for contact from op, then op do the return journey. Bet he cannot be bothered to collect him eh.

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