to withold contact

[Butwhyohwhy]

Exp is up to all his old tricks again

Very VERY long story cut short.... Exp quit job to avoid being caught up with CMS. He is wealthy, and refuses to pay out of spite ( not entirely sure why, he cheated on me, he ended the relationship with me when I was six months pregnant)

So we had been to court as exp decided it wasn't his responsibility to return DS after contact each wkend, so just wouldn't return him! and refused to give me any weekend time with DS as he thought DS should be with him every weekend and I was to have no quality time with DS

I had a thread on here a few weeks ago as after court and mediation, he started paying cm again , but once it was all over and he had no one to answer to, he stopped. It makes a huge difference to me financially and I struggle without it. So he successfully blackmailed me into travelling up again to collect DS when he has contact, I hated myself for it at the time, but it was that or get no cm, and i chose to get cm and give up my time to travel to collect despite his lawyer calling him out on it and saying t was HIS responsibility (45 min drive each way)

So I have met a new partner, and I'm very happy. Exp has gotten really asrsey with me lately and has now stopped paying CM. We're also off on holiday in a few days for 10 nights. After being hounded by exp for extra time with DS as I'm going on holiday, I had offered to give up my weekend with DS and said he could have him tonight, for two nights...but now he's not paying CM. I definitely can't afford the petrol to travel up and down, and know for a FACT that exp will just refuse to return him to me like he has done before so many times even last week when I was really sick, I had a chest and viral infection, he still refused to return him to me as it was 'my' turn to travel.

Aibu to say no returning him then no contact and get advice again from my lawyer? I hate this he doesn't do things by half though, so as he won't see him now for a few weeks he'll probably try to stop me going on holiday

He always collects him.

It is the op who cannot collect him from dad and feels dad should do both journeys

Lots being said about reading the thread correctly - so to recap. There is a court order in place for contact 3 weekends out of 4. This is unusual but is sometimes ordered when frustration of previous contact arrangements has occurred (ie court orders more in the hope DC will get some). Please note I am NOT saying this has happened in this case. However, in my experience, above average contact is not ordered in cases where a father kidnaps a child and actively prevents the return to the mother.

Travel in this case is the next vexatious point, but a pattern of shared travel has been established. Dad picks up Dc, Mum collects.

Mum has now booked a holiday that means Dad will not get his court ordered contact for one (or two?) weekends. An alternative contact has been arranged, as it should be.

But Mum wants to change this because Dad is not paying CM (it says this specifically in the OP). Dad has said on this time he will do both ends of the travel but OP was still not happy about it.

If posters are arguing that Mum is not withholding contact if she makes DS 'available' but doesn't take him to Dad, how are they arguing at the same time that Dad is 'refusing to return' when he is making the child available for Mum to collect?

Obviously Dad is a sh*t if he is refusing to pay maintenance, and this should be pursued actively and every effort made to make him live up to his responsibilities. But that should be separate from arrangements for contact.

He can afford the journeys she can't.

She is unhappy because he collected child without even allowing the child to put shoes or a coat on. It's feburary its cold.

She does not yet know if he will return child as he has form for agreeing to (via his solicitor) then not doing so.

Balia has summed this up perfectly.

Meditation or further court proceedings are clearly required before the parents' conflict harms the child.

I was one for saying that contact is for the sake of the child and should be unrelated to any problems between the parents and maintained that stance while my dd was a child. However, one question for the people who are just parrotting this off, if it were at the expense of feeding their child, should a resident parent still spend money on petrol to maintain contact?

I think the OP has given up on the thread unfortunately. But just to add, for a preschooler who is home with RP through much of the week, above average contact weekends are not so unusual.

And as if things weren't bad enough....I'm now 'not allowed' to see DS on his 5th birthday

It's exp's weekend with DS but weeks ago we had came to an agreement that he would have him for an extra day and overnight of that weekend and I would get DS on his birthday (the Sunday) he then changed his mind and said I could get him from 12 o'clock onwards on his birthday...ok, fine. But is now saying he won't be changing the weekly contact. My crime....taking DS on holiday

Quite likely, you have summed it up perfectly

Can't you both be with him on his birthday try and put a party together and if not something to think about next year.

I told exp I would be organising a party for DS as its his 5th (usually had a small party in the house with a few friends and family)

Although things are not great between us I asked if he would like to come along too, even though he is guaranteed to be having a party for DS that weekend anyway with his family etc. Exp said no, he would not want to come, I tried

And invited his family top of course

It's really sad that that's how it is. It shouldn't need to be. There is no need for things to be the way they are and for there to be so much bad feeling, but exp thrives on it unfortunately.

Other families can be civil in this situation. It's a depressing thought that I can't see my own son on his special day, all because exp is a controlling and abusive person

Not really, exp will have him Friday Saturday and Sunday. I work mom-fri. And the following weekend, it's exp's weekend with him again, but hey I'm probably just being a bit precious about it all

Unfortunately I work late every Monday and Tuesday, til 8pm which by then DS is sound asleep. The Wednesday it is, but won't quite be the same.

Exp is hell bent on denying me of any quality time with DS. It seems to be his mission in life at the moment. Hopefully when this gets to court I will at least get EOW

Well do it the Thursday before - invite his friends to a ball park or home after school -

I'm married and my kids have always had a special tea on their birthday and a weekend party - it's no different!! Kids will be just as excited

I think the op has been getting an unnecessarily hard time on this thread. Those of you who have had "normal" breakups (if there is such a thing) ate perhaps failing to understand the worry and concern caused by an abusive ex-partner who is more motivated by scoring points and keeping control than he is about the welfare of the child.

Snatching a partially dressed young child from the doorstep is hardly going to fill a protective resident parent's heart with confidence, is it?

The child maintenance is maybe a red herring here. I think the op understands that the money is technically a separate issue - but this is about whether or not the father is bothered about providing a secure home for the child.

similarly, it doesn't matter what the rest of you do regarding drop off and pick up. The op's perception of what is happening in her situation is valid - and she feels that her ex is playing mind games and exercising physical and financial control.

About the birthday. .. This child is very young, and may well want to spend it with his primary caregiver?

Op, none of us know you or your situation. I wish you the best of luck. You must do what you think best. Please get good real life help and, if you do decide to withhold contact (as I probably would if there was the least chance of my child not being returned), make sure you keep all the relevant agencies informed, eg school and social services.

If he doesn't work could he not have ds during the wk

Op's exp is so unreasonable compromises are unobtainable.
I really feel for you op, I've been there so know what it's like. If it's any consolation my 2 (now adult) dc's are nc with their father, a decision they made independently.

Thank you.

This morning DS was in tears as his dad told him he won't be seeing his y on his birthday. "But I want to be here with you mummy, can I stay here?"

Exp had already agreed to have DS an extra night so he would have all of Thursday, Friday AND Saturday with h to celebrate with DS. And I have already sent out invitations for his party as exp had agreed. He has now decided he doesn't want me to be with DS, and I can't stop him. He will collect DS directly from nursery when I am working. Even though DS is upset and wants to see me and my family on his birthday he won't be able to, because exp calls all the shots and has all the control

People always say that money and contact should not be linked.

Apart from cases of genuine poverty, I've never really understood why (apart from to allow absent parents to take all the good bits with none of the responsibility maybe?) Any parent who can afford to pay child support and chooses not to is a parent who is incapable of putting the best interests of the child above their own selfish needs/power trip.

*People always say that money and contact should not be linked.

Apart from cases of genuine poverty, I've never really understood why (apart from to allow absent parents to take all the good bits with none of the responsibility maybe?) Any parent who can afford to pay child support and chooses not to is a parent who is incapable of putting the best interests of the child above their own selfish needs/power trip*

This. Absolutely.

Withholding CM is just another modus operandi of an abuser.