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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to withold contact

125 replies

Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 11:49

Exp is up to all his old tricks again

Very VERY long story cut short.... Exp quit job to avoid being caught up with CMS. He is wealthy, and refuses to pay out of spite ( not entirely sure why, he cheated on me, he ended the relationship with me when I was six months pregnantHmm)

So we had been to court as exp decided it wasn't his responsibility to return DS after contact each wkend, so just wouldn't return him! Angryand refused to give me any weekend time with DS as he thought DS should be with him every weekend and I was to have no quality time with DS

I had a thread on here a few weeks ago as after court and mediation, he started paying cm again , but once it was all over and he had no one to answer to, he stopped. It makes a huge difference to me financially and I struggle without it. So he successfully blackmailed me into travelling up again to collect DS when he has contact, I hated myself for it at the time, but it was that or get no cm, and i chose to get cm and give up my time to travel to collect despite his lawyer calling him out on it and saying t was HIS responsibility (45 min drive each way)

So I have met a new partner, and I'm very happy. Exp has gotten really asrsey with me lately and has now stopped paying CM. We're also off on holiday in a few days for 10 nights. After being hounded by exp for extra time with DS as I'm going on holiday, I had offered to give up my weekend with DS and said he could have him tonight, for two nights...but now he's not paying CM. I definitely can't afford the petrol to travel up and down, and know for a FACT that exp will just refuse to return him to me like he has done before so many times Sad even last week when I was really sick, I had a chest and viral infection, he still refused to return him to me as it was 'my' turn to travel.

Aibu to say no returning him then no contact and get advice again from my lawyer? I hate this Sad he doesn't do things by half though, so as he won't see him now for a few weeks he'll probably try to stop me going on holiday

OP posts:
NickiFury · 27/02/2016 12:33

In this particularly instance for this particular weekend, damn right I would not be letting DS go. It's not even about withholding access it's about adjusting it on this occasion so that he doesn't get to inconvenience your life and piss on your plans.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 27/02/2016 12:33

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't send him knowing that you can't afford to collect him in the likely event that your ex refuses to return him. Especially if the court order states that he should be doing the travelling. I'd message him saying something to the above effect and also suggest that you go back to court because of him breaching that order. There's nothing you can do to 'retaliate' about him not paying maintenance though. He can't be made to as he has no income, regardless of savings. I'd suggest in future that you somehow save a small amount of money that's there just in case your ex chooses to not return DS.

Oswin · 27/02/2016 12:35

Op is NOT withholding contact. He can collect and bring his son home. He chooses not to. Op cannot AFFORD to do this because this piece of crap has decided not to provide for his child.

When are we going to start punishing these fuckers properly. Angry

thinkingmakesitso · 27/02/2016 12:42

Why do some people parrot the same old things regardless of the specific details of a particular case?
Yes, it is usually a very bad idea to stand in the way of contact between a child and their other parent, but there sometimes does come a point when it is not in the best interest of the child for the relationship to continue. I'm not saying that is the case here, but it does seem that this father in more interested in using his child to control the OP, and that is completely unacceptable and not nice for the child to be caught up in, especially if he is old enough to have some awareness.

And money and contact are separate (surprised no one has trumpeted that children are not 'pay for view' yet), but in this case the OP cannot afford the petrol due to non-payment of CM, so there is a link.

As for saying she is 'whining' when the father has form for not bringing the child back, well, words fail me. She's not whining, she's been pushed into a corner by a bullying, dishonest manipulative man, and she's trying to work out the best way forward.

OP, I don't know enough about the legal side to say whether you should withhold contact, but YWcertainlyNBU morally imo.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:42

Sorry to drip feed, but the court order doesn't actually state that exp has to collect and drop. He was just told in no uncertain terms that it is HIS responsibility and the idea of me collecting would not even be entertained in court

Also, it's not his weekend with DS, it's mine. But I offered it up as I'm going on holiday on Wednesday and so the gap wouldn't be so long between him seeing DS. Shouldn't have bothered

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 12:43

Sorry to drip feed, but the court order doesn't actually state that exp has to collect and drop. He was just told in no uncertain terms that it is HIS responsibility and the idea of me collecting would not even be entertained in court

Also, it's not his weekend with DS, it's mine. But I offered it up as I'm going on holiday on Wednesday and so the gap wouldn't be so long between him seeing DS. Shouldn't have bothered

OP posts:
Zariyah · 27/02/2016 12:53

What would happen if you called his bluff and said you weren't collecting DS?

captaincake · 27/02/2016 12:56

What a horrible situation. I completely agree that in this situation money and access are not separate on the basis that exp is expecting you to spend money that you don't have that should be being used to meet DS's needs to travel unnecessarily (i.e exp could do it). There is no way I would be driving him there. I think a compromise that he can collect DS and you will pick him up would be reasonable. That's not stopping contact at all you have agreed he can see him he just needs to pick him up, which he's able to do. I wouldn't ever drop him off, not just on this occasion.

captaincake · 27/02/2016 13:01

I would say that because you refused to bring DS back last time he won't be going again until it goes back to court to confirm who should be driving him. If you can't afford to do it then you can't afford to. It's not about using it as a weapon to get money from him it's about having enough money to meet your child's needs and not wasting money on driving when you shouldn't be. You're not withholding contact you are making it available he is just not choosing to take it up by not doing what his solicitor has told him to. The child's best interests are the important thing here and if OP is left without enough money to meet his needs then that is more important that a relationship with his father which the father could facilitate and is just choosing not to.

captaincake · 27/02/2016 13:07

posted twice as i read your update that you can't afford to pick him up either...

ZiggyFartdust · 27/02/2016 13:13

The money is nothing to do with this. You need to get it sorted, yes, but you're trying to put a monetary value on a parent/child relationship which is fucking stupid

Of course its to do with the fucking money! He refuses to bring the child back and she doesn't have any money to pay transport costs to collect because the fucker doesn't contribute any money towards raising his child!

balia · 27/02/2016 13:39

I think you need to look at the bigger picture and come up with a clear, coherent strategy for dealing with the situation. In many ways, him stopping paying cm frees you up to do what you think is right for your DS and family because you can't be threatened with it being taken away.

Whilst it is tempting to simply say that it is your ex's responsibility to do all the travelling (and a sol just saying that is very far from a court order and is not always necessarily the case - I think most couples share the travel) it gives your ex a means to threaten you every single contact weekend (ie that he won't return DS). It doesn't seem like this is the kind of ex you want to give that amount of control to.

What does the contact order actually state? 3 weekends out of 4 is unusual - could you return to court and ask for it to be every other weekend? At least that would be one journey less. And incidentally, if this weekend is your weekend, doesn't that mean you are taking DS on holiday during his Dad's contact time? You're really not supposed to do that without agreement - if this weekend is actually replacement time then I think yeah, you should do some of the travelling.

The money thing needs to be pursued separately. He's not going to be 'wealthy' without a job for long, surely? Can you get legal advice on that?

Creampastry · 27/02/2016 15:30

Sorry but if the ex won't pay any cm then he doesn't deserve to see the child. Yanbu

balia · 27/02/2016 15:45

Contact isn't for the benefit of the parent, though, it's for the child. It's not the child's fault his Dad isn't paying.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 16:07

Yes 3 out of 4 weekends is unusual, but at the time my lawyer told me I wouldn't get EOW (need a new lawyer)

I want to go back to court to apply for EOW as DS starts school this year.

He's not happy I'm going on holiday because he's a control freak. Is there any way he can put a court order in to stop me going? I fear that's exactly what he'll do, he would stop at nothing to make things difficult for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 16:41

Oh god. It's full on war....

He's saying he will collect DS today regardless. And if I stop him he will stop my holiday to Florida

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 16:44

Can he really so that???

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 27/02/2016 16:59

You don't have to be home But. And even if you are, he can't just let himself in.

Quick question though as a bit of a sense check...does DS want to go?

BirthdayBetty · 27/02/2016 17:09

Does he have parental responsibility?
I googled Directgov, but I can't link it on my phone. Have a look at that.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 17:10

Yes he's has parental responsibility as he's on the birth certificate.

DS said he wants to stay with me tonight Confused

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 27/02/2016 17:12

So you can afford 10 days in Florida?

As a single parent with no financial input from my ex, I am jealous!

You need a better lawyer.

You both need to grow up and do what is best for this poor kid.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 17:14

No, I can't. I could never in a million years afford to go to Florida. I have been gifted the trip for my 30th birthday and DS's 5th

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 27/02/2016 17:15

It says you need permission from anyone with parental responsibility.
That's a bit harsh Why op has been led a merry dance by fuckwit ex.

ToadsforJustice · 27/02/2016 17:17

You can take a child abroad for 28 days without the permission of anyone else with parental responsibility for the child if you have a child arrangements order.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 27/02/2016 17:18

I'm led a merry dance by him at any given opportunity. Any excuse to cause me worry/trouble. He thrives on this

I always do what is best for DS. Exp does not

He is now saying he will drop DS after contact so he is collecting him soon. So sick of all this I wish he would get a life

OP posts:
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