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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

did I deserve this response?

122 replies

browneyedgirl1974 · 13/01/2016 15:19

So it is my brothers birthday today. I realised last night that I forgot to post his card. I only realised when he rang about another matter. So I apologised and promised to post it. I do get why he was upset as it was his 40th so a special one.
His response was don't bother as getting a card after the day means nothing.
I was a little taken aback so mn jury did I deserve this?

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 13/01/2016 15:28

It would't bother me to receive a card late or not at all, and it does seem a little childish of him, it's only a card after all.

kissmethere · 13/01/2016 15:30

He's being a diva? Trying to make you feel guilty?

Gruntfuttock · 13/01/2016 15:31

Well, I can see that it might seem a bit pointless. It depends on how angry/upset he was. If he said it in a nasty way he was unreasonable. If he said not to bother in a reasonable way that's fine.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 13/01/2016 15:32

I kind of agree but I would think it rather than say it.

chipsandpeas · 13/01/2016 15:32

the cards nothing, but you only remembered his birthday becasue he called you for something else, maybe thats the issue, that you forgot

tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 15:35

So it is my brothers birthday today. I realised last night that I forgot to post his card. I only realised when he rang about another matter. - it sounds like you didn't call or text him until he called about something else either. I think the question to ask here is did his birthday really and honestly hand-on-heart mean something to you or were you looking to post the card just for formality because it seems like the right thing to do?

His response isn't really about you deserving or not deserving it. He just stated how he felt. Some people choose to hold back. Others express their feelings openly. Your brother seems to be the latter. He obviously felt the card was a mere formality and just said that it doesn't mean anything to him after the day. I probably wouldn't bother with the card now and if his birthday did mean something to you but you didn't text, call or post the card because something serious was happening and you just couldn't, then I would explain it to him and offer to take him out for a drink/lunch or something similar at the weekend instead just to show I care.

If, on the other hand, it was a mere formality, then don't worry about it and move on.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 13/01/2016 15:48

The bizarre thing is that I purchased the card a week ago so the intention was always to post it. It was said in a I am pissed off you forgot kind of way.
Never mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 13/01/2016 15:51

He actually rang when I was out at a PTA meeting. .I fully planned to ring today to wish him a Happy birthday on the day.
O well wonder ehst the response will be. I did post card today.

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 16:00

It was said in a I am pissed off you forgot kind of way. - there is nothing further to say then. You forgot. He was sad about that. That's how he feels. Many people would feel the same. I would agree that not many would choose to express it. Not much you can do other than try to make it up to him if you care. If not, just move on. He will also move on, if not already done so.

ImperialBlether · 13/01/2016 16:00

Does he always remember your birthdays on time?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/01/2016 16:05

My sister was pissed off with me for the same thing - even though I had sent her a present and called her on the day Confused

I don't get cards, but most of my family like them so I do them. If you have always done them I can see why he would be annoyed, especially when it's a 40th.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 13/01/2016 16:08

Mostly yes, but he was late with one of the children's card last year. He sent it and later apologised for the lateness. I just thanked him for the card and ssidnot to worry about the lateness.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 13/01/2016 16:10

I think he's probably more upset that you forgot his birthday tbh than it being about the card.

daisychain01 · 13/01/2016 16:11

I probably wouldn't have said anything, put the card in the post anyway, then rang him on the day and wish him a happy birthday. All innocent like Smile And say I hope you got my card? It's that damn snail mail! Etc

DisappointedOne · 13/01/2016 16:13

It was DH's 40th within the last 2 weeks. Not one of his 3 brothers bothered sending a text, never mind a card. He's really hurt.

YW so U.

Gruntfuttock · 13/01/2016 16:18

The thing about birthday cards is that they show that you've remembered someone's birthday and are sending them good wishes. In this case, you hadn't remembered his birthday, so sending the card after you'd been reminded because he'd phoned you, is meaningless.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/01/2016 16:18

I don't think this is the sort of tit for tat thing you can justify with 'well he was late with the kid's one last year' sort of thing.

Mrskeats · 13/01/2016 16:21

I would be very upset that you didnt call or text either esp as its a big birthday
No present?

Gruntfuttock · 13/01/2016 16:24

OP, how come in your mind you are the victim of unreasonable behaviour in this scenario, hence starting a thread in AIBU? IMO, you forgot his birthday and to send him a card and he is hurt. Simple cause and effect surely. Why seek to place him in the wrong? Why not accept his response as a justified result of your behaviour?

SuperCee7 · 13/01/2016 16:24

I agree with him but he was very rude.

Gruntfuttock · 13/01/2016 16:26

How was he very rude?

Sunbeam1112 · 13/01/2016 16:29

Its my birthday today neither of my brothers have posted me a card. Ones messaged and the other will ring me after he finishes work. Cards get thrown in the bin but its the acknowledgement that its someones birthday that counts.x

SaucyJack · 13/01/2016 16:31

Did anyone remember his birthday?

whois · 13/01/2016 16:31

Should have asked him if he'd received the card and lamented the poor state of the postal service

tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 16:32

The thing about birthday cards is that they show that you've remembered someone's birthday and are sending them good wishes. In this case, you hadn't remembered his birthday, so sending the card after you'd been reminded because he'd phoned you, is meaningless. - I think that's the point I was trying to make. You are just more articulate than me :)