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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

did I deserve this response?

122 replies

browneyedgirl1974 · 13/01/2016 15:19

So it is my brothers birthday today. I realised last night that I forgot to post his card. I only realised when he rang about another matter. So I apologised and promised to post it. I do get why he was upset as it was his 40th so a special one.
His response was don't bother as getting a card after the day means nothing.
I was a little taken aback so mn jury did I deserve this?

OP posts:

Jux · 15/01/2016 09:46

He does sound very self-important, gleam.

I wonder whether he is a pompous ass type,mor if he's going through a horrible time and his wife has left him and so he had no presents and thought "well, at keast my siblings love me", so he has exagerated the importance of presents from his siblings, a " nobody loves me" moment?

MaidOfStars · 15/01/2016 09:47

It was always my intention to send a card but appreciate being late does make it seem thoughless
You're still pushing any blame away from you.

To say it 'seem[ed] thoughtless' means you don't think it 'actually was thoughtless' and that this is therefore a problem with your brother's perception of the issue.

I think there is nothing wrong with his perception, from his POV.

BlackRose0 · 15/01/2016 09:51

I don't really understand what the issue is! OP didn't forget his birthday as the phone call was the day before, she only forgot to post the card

SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 09:53

She didn't call him to wish him happy birthday though - he rang her about another matter and she only realised then that it was his birthday the next day. If he hadn't phoned her she would have forgotten.

Jux · 15/01/2016 10:08

SirChenjin, you could equally well say if he hadn't phoned her she would have remembered a bit later (still too late to post the card) and would have phoned him. He'd have been happy then. Probably, or possibly.

These things happen. Birthdays get less important as life goes on.

venusinscorpio · 15/01/2016 10:10

For you, maybe Jux, not everyone. This was a milestone birthday.

SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 10:17

She may or may not have remembered, you don't know that - either way, she'd forgotten to the extent she hadn't posted the card in time and hadn't realised her mistake and phoned him to apologise.

Birthdays get much less important as you get older - but the milestone ones don't. If your 40th wasn't important to you, fine, but I'm sure you can imagine that they are important to very many other people, which doesn't make them

Jux · 15/01/2016 10:47

That was my point, SirChenjin, it was merely pointing out, after your assertion that if he hadn't phoned, she wouldn't have remembered, was not the only possibility; we don't know. I don't, nor do you.

Venus, OK, yes, for some they remain very important.

Kingfisherfree · 15/01/2016 11:35

You forgot his birthday, just accept that your brother is upset. I think it's pretty rubbish to forget a brother's 40th. If I did I would be making up for it and you have done the right thing but stop making out there is something wrong with your brother.

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 11:48

sir he rang my sibling when I was in the car withr on bluetooth to say he was disgusted with me and another sibling for being late with the card.
I realised at the start of the PTA meeting, before the phone call that I had forgotten.
I used the phrase seemed thoughtless because the thought was there when I carefully selected the card. I didn't forget completely. I have always said it was one off lapse and for that it would seem db would rather slag me off to my sister rather than reply to my messages.

OP posts:

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 11:50

Sorry that wasn't clear in op.

OP posts:

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 11:59

I rang to wish him a happy birthday on the day but got voicemail. I found the PTA Meeting stressful as I find public speaking difficult.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 12:28

Jux - the OP says "I only realised when he rang about another matter"

I don't know how you interpret that, but I interpret it as "I only realised it was his birthday tomorrow when he phoned". She has also admitted in her last posts that she'd forgotten. It's easy to do...you buy the card, the days go by, you forget to actually post the thing, the birthday completely slips your mind. Perfectly OK for the birthday-ee to think 'oh come on, you've known for quite a while my 40th was on X date in 2016...*

brown - yes, that's somewhat different from your OP . It obviously meant a lot to him for whatever reason. Maybe once this has all settled you can have a chat about it.

Jux · 15/01/2016 12:49

She knew somewhere in her head that it was his birthday, she'd bought a card already. You have no idea, none at all, that she wouldn't have realised a bit later, that his birthday was "tomorrow".

I know that she could have. It's happened to me. I haven't forgotten the birthday, I've lost track of the days; that's a very different thing.

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 12:57

I think it was a moment of realisation when I saw the date on the minutes. I thought I had a day to spare. The call came during the meeting so I rang back straight after.
So timings were very close together.
Hopefully gift will help.

OP posts:

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 13:07

Ok I guess I felt the original response was odd because I would hold back even if I felt it as I would worry about how it would make the other person feel. That is me but obviously not everyone is like this. Point taken.
However, is not telling your sister that you are disgusted with the behaviour of your other sister taking it a little far. I presume you have now read that bit sir.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 13:15

Jux - I am going by the facts as presented by the OP, not what 'might' have happened later. She forgot at the time necessary to post the card to get it there for her brother's birthday until her brother called.

Yes, I have read the bit about being disgusted. As I said, it obviously meant a lot to him and he's pissed off with you. Still doesn't detract from the fact that when you posted your OP you had forgotten until he phoned you!

Anyway, we'll have to agree to differ. Hope you manage to patch things up with him

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 15/01/2016 13:17

I kind of agree with him. I only have cards up for two days at most so if I got a late card it would just be going straight in the recycling so what's the point. You said happy bday on the phone so that's all that matters.

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 13:26

Thanks sir

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Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 13:32

exasperated even in your scenario it would have been up for a day. The birthdays wishes were also sadly not enough otherwise he wouldn't have still been disgusted withtme. Going to ring again tonight. Hopefully he will answer this time.

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venusinscorpio · 15/01/2016 13:47

I agree with him and also would have been a bit upset, but it's hardly the most heinous crime that's ever committed on either side, so hopefully you can work it out and both move on.

I am ashamed that I still have my cards up from my birthday over 2 weeks ago! I guess I'm in denial that Christmas is over and it sort of makes the place look festive still. I think I had better take them down!

Original poster

browneyedgirl1974 · 15/01/2016 21:26

2 weeks is standard in our house.

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