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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL and Christmas one

116 replies

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 11:54

Yesterday was my darling grandmothers funeral, I was always so close to her and miss her so much. One of my best friends travelled up to the funeral and arrived with a load of Christmas gifts for my DS, from MIL on the day of the funeral. This really upset me as I didn't think it was the time or the place and don't think it was fair on my friend to have been asked to do this by MIL. The gifts included a Stocking and advent calendar, which I previously mentioned to MIL that I was looking forward to doing for DS as excited to make Christmas traditions for DS.

I haven't even done a stocking or advent calendar yet as I have been arranging the funeral. So it's like she has done DS 'first' calendar and stocking.

We were under the impression that we would be seeing MIL before Christmas to sort out gifts then. She hasn't mentioned to me or DH that this is no longer the plan and the presents would be coming up yesterday.

I know she's been thoughtless, but my question is AIBU to say that as DS mother I am the one to do a stocking and advent calendar, not her? DH will not say anything to her so how do I go about not letting this happen next year? Or have I lost all perspective because of the funeral?

OP posts:

Original poster

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 11:55

Forgot to add, do I call her to say thank you for the gifts or not bother because of her thoughtless with the funeral and the stocking and calendar issue?

OP posts:

MancMum01 · 01/12/2015 12:00

I think you are being very hard on her - a grandmother would want to send her grandchild gifts and I think you are unreasonable to not thank her for them just because you did not like the timing of their arrival..

gabsdot · 01/12/2015 12:00

You're probably being ultra sensitive because of the day that's in it but that's ok.
It wasn't the time or place to deliver Christmas presents.
Get your DH to ring his mother to thank her and if you want to do an advent with your DS then do. Maybe granny's will get lost somewhere.
Sorry for you loss

LizzieMacQueen · 01/12/2015 12:00

Sorry for your loss.

Don't be too hard on your MIL, surely she was just trying to save on postage and the long queues at the Post Office.

The advent calendar & stocking is a bit weird but she probably didn't understand you. I would call her and say that you'll be doing santa gifts so you will re-wrap the stocking things and gift them 'from Grandma'. Then eat the chocolates if the advent calendar bothers you.

BramblePie · 01/12/2015 12:02

I used to get an advent calendar from my grandparents and one from my parents. I don't think it's such a big deal? You can still do your advent calendar and stocking.

Yeah, I do agree she was a bit thoughtless re. timing BUT you say you haven't even got round to your advent calendar yet and it is the 1st of dec - when it should be day 1 of opening.
Maybe she knew you would be busy with the funeral arrangement. I think your emotions are just getting the better of you. I'd call to say thanks actually. I think maybe your friend could have waited to pass on the gifts?

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling, I miss my grandad every day. x

fadingblonde1 · 01/12/2015 12:03

Is it possible your mil thought you had enough on your plate with the funeral and sorted out the stocking/advent calender so it was one less thing you had to deal with? Sorry for your loss

Original poster

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 12:03

I know I'm being totally unreasonable. It's a beautiful, massive material calendar that hangs on the back of a door, just like what I wanted to get him but hadn't had a chance to.

OP posts:

Original poster

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 12:06

Possibly, although she has form for undermining me and trying to tell me how I should parent. She also never even text me (let alone send a sympathy card!) to say she's sorry for my loss.

OP posts:

MaxPepsi · 01/12/2015 12:08

Sorry for your loss.

How old is your Son?

Can MIL's advent be filled with chocolate this year. And when you have had chance to get yours, you can fill it with other things.

Lego minifigures, sweets, bouncy balls, mini packs of crayons etc.

So in future years he has 2. Chocolate only from his Nana, more exciting stuff from his parents?

TattyDevine · 01/12/2015 12:08

Your child won't know/care who got the calendar. Use the lovely calendar, one less thing to do and put your hand in your pocket for. There are plenty of Christmas traditions you can implement.

It was slightly insensitive of her to use your friend as a courier for this kind of thing but it could have been made better depending how your friend dealt with it...I would have asked for your car keys in a hushed tone because I had something for the boot of your car and then discretely transferred the stuff, or that kind of thing. These things can seem worse and your MIL may have imagined your friend being very sensitive and discrete and might be mortified if she knew she was not.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/12/2015 12:10

Put them away for another year perhaps. Get the kind that you would like and just make your own Christmas.

Condolences to you, it isn't ever easy but at this time of year it must be especially hard.

MaxPepsi · 01/12/2015 12:10

When he's older, you can leave clues in the little pockets the closer you get to Xmas Eve, so he can hunt for his new Xmas pj's, his new xmas eve DVD, the slightly larger bits of chocolate oranges

Original poster

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 12:11

DS is only 9 months and is her first GC so I understand she is excited. I had been looking forward to doing these bits once the funeral was over, now it's pointless.

OP posts:

MaxPepsi · 01/12/2015 12:14

No it's not, he's to young to know any different.

The traditions will start next year, or the year after when he knows what it is all about.

You can still enjoy doing these bits. He's not going to know what day it is. Start when you want.

chillycurtains · 01/12/2015 12:17

It was a bit insensitive but I doubt it was done with any bad intentions. She could even have thought you would think the advent calendar was a thoughtful gift that may have brought you a smile on a difficult day.

In your shoes I would get DH to ring and thank her for the gifts. I would accept the advent calendar and just be the one to fill it each year. However I would raise the issue of the stocking. I think that it is a bit odd that she thinks she can do a stocking for him. That is something that a parent does not a grandparent. Consider excepting it this year AND doing your own but then next October mentioning to MIL that you are going to be doing your son's stocking as a family tradition. As a compromise she could contribute a few items. My DM often gives me a few small items that she sees when she's shopping for the stockings but they don't come from her or me but just all in the stocking together iyswim.

chillycurtains · 01/12/2015 12:20

It's definitely not pointless OP. He can't count and the advent calender won't mean anything for a couple of years at least. Definitely make your own stocking but again he's too young to appreciate that but you will enjoy the shopping just as your MIL did.

I think you are feeling really down - understandably - and it's affecting your prespective on this. Don't worry OP, this year will be a tough Christmas. Your traditions are not spoilt forever.

GruntledOne · 01/12/2015 12:25

I can sort of see her thinking in terms of the delivery, that if someone was going up then it was a good chance to do the handover, and that it would be perfectly possible for your friend to manage it discreetly. Maybe think of it in terms of whether your grandmother would have had any objection? I suspect she wouldn't. And she may well have been thinking that you wouldn't have a chance to do the advent calendar and that it needed to be there by 1st December, so she couldn't really leave it till she saw you.

GoEasyPudding · 01/12/2015 12:26

It's not pointless, don't worry or be sad, just take back your power over the situation.

I totally understand what you are saying. She has been thoughtless with the timing. I think it's terrible timing actually. I'm sure though she was just trying to save on postage though, no ill intent I'm sure.

I would consider putting the advent away and getting your own otherwise you will be looking at it every year and feeling slightly cross.

Do you know what shop it came from so you can send it back or take it back and choose your own. Tell MIL it had a fault in the stitching and came apart, ..what a shame.

I would be choosing a new stocking myself as well. I'm assuming its a nice one to be used each year? It can go back if the tags still on or maybe be a spare one for visitors or for the cats gifts.

Wolpertinger · 01/12/2015 12:26

He won't remember this year anyway. Next year, when you are feeling better, you can buy the one you really want and use both - maybe put better stuff in yours?

It would be fine to put hers away this year. If she asks, you can say he was too young and you didn't feel up to it as your Granny had just died.

Is there a reason DH won't say anything to her?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2015 12:30

I do understand your feelings but I do also think you are affected more by this intrusion because of the loss of your grandmother (so sorry for this ).

But, since your DS is only 9mo, he won't have the first idea what's going on anyway. So you can either decide to use your MIL's gift for this year, and next year get your own, and write off this year as the year that your grandmother's affairs came first; or you can just not use it at all (although that seems a little petty) and get your own, either now or for next year. Again, your DS won't know or understand any of this just now, so the only person it's really going to matter to is you.

And I understand that - and that your MIL has form for undermining you and perhaps overstepping boundaries, pushing in where she's not always welcome - but let it go.

Get your own stocking for him though. You can always use MIL's for your DH

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/12/2015 12:31

Sullied?! Alluded!

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/12/2015 12:32

Like GoEasy sullied to, I think I would be irrationally cross and probably sad looking at those items every year. They'd remind me of crass mannered family and funerals. Not something you want really. I would, in your situation, probably give them away or send them back.

AbeSaidYes · 01/12/2015 12:32

keep the calendar, ditch the stocking.
You can put your own things in the calendar.

ForCh1na · 01/12/2015 12:37

I'm sorry but I think she is out of line. These things are special and they are for the parents. I would keep them, politely return them when you can and say oh dear what a pity you had already done these for YOUR CHILD.

SitsOnFence · 01/12/2015 12:38

It was very insensitive, but like others have suggested, take the opportunity to modify the calendar it and make it into 'your' tradition now, and pop a 'from Grandma' on the stocking.

Also, remember that for all her faults, to your DS's she will be his darling grandmother and he will value the memories from things like this when she is one day gone.

for your loss. This will be my 5th Christmas without any of my darling grandparents, and only one got to see me graduate university, get married and have children. It's hard.

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