Another MIL and Christmas one

[GinMartinis]

Yesterday was my darling grandmothers funeral, I was always so close to her and miss her so much. One of my best friends travelled up to the funeral and arrived with a load of Christmas gifts for my DS, from MIL on the day of the funeral. This really upset me as I didn't think it was the time or the place and don't think it was fair on my friend to have been asked to do this by MIL. The gifts included a Stocking and advent calendar, which I previously mentioned to MIL that I was looking forward to doing for DS as excited to make Christmas traditions for DS.

I haven't even done a stocking or advent calendar yet as I have been arranging the funeral. So it's like she has done DS 'first' calendar and stocking.

We were under the impression that we would be seeing MIL before Christmas to sort out gifts then. She hasn't mentioned to me or DH that this is no longer the plan and the presents would be coming up yesterday.

I know she's been thoughtless, but my question is AIBU to say that as DS mother I am the one to do a stocking and advent calendar, not her? DH will not say anything to her so how do I go about not letting this happen next year? Or have I lost all perspective because of the funeral?

PS no need for any ill feeling. This is my first Christmas without both of my grandmothers, so I know how you are feeling - MIL's actions were a bit insensitive, but as you say, she is more than likely just excited.

As an aside, it wasn't until I actually had children of my own that I found out that different families do different things regarding FC and stockings etc. Could it be the case that your MIL doesn't know what you and DH are planning to do in your home as your own traditions? My DH and I had never discussed FC traditions, I didn't know what he had done as a child...

I so like what somebody said up thread:

'remember that one day SHE will be HIS darling grandmother'.

Oh, do try to swallow this one, for your son's sake: help him to have the relationship with his grandmother than you had with yours. It does take adult forbearance... and putting the child first (I struggle with this!)

You are probably taking it a bit hard because of the timing, which is completely natural and understandable

If it's important to you to start Christmas traditions for your DC this year on your terms, then do it. It would be easier on you if your DH would speak to his mother, but if not just say a polite thank you but you have already sorted the advent calendar and stocking (even if you haven't bought them yet) and it's important to you all that this is between you and DH as parents and DC to establish a family tradition. That's completely reasonable and MILs stocking fillers can be re-wrapped for Xmas presents "from grandma".

If you don't want to keep the advent calendar, don't keep it. You won't feel any happier having it as the years go on!

Condolences for your loss.

I can completely see where you're coming from - even if the gifts were sent with the best of intentions, they already carry associations with a very sad event in your life, and the feeling that you've been overruled on your choices as a parent.

You don't have to use either the calendar or the stocking, but you don't need to say anything to Mil either. If it were me I would put them away, get the ones I had originally intended, and use those.

Is the stocking filled with presents?

Really some people turn Christmas into such a bunfest. My mum bought her granddaughter an advent calendar last week as a present for passing an exam. It turned out her mum had bought her the exact same one. Everyone laughed and my niece said 'great. two pieces of chocolate every day'.
No big deal. No analysing. No 'it's my turn now'. No handing the calendar back to my mum with some snarky comment.
Why do some people turn everything into a competition?

Daisybear no idea but I agree with every word of your post!

Traditions establish themselves as well... I started off with a beautiful wooden advent calendar with little cupboards. We gave up on it last year because the children have a much more fun tradition of getting lego advent calendars from granny.

The timing was off but it does sound like she's trying to do something nice, especially if the stocking is empty! You don't have to keep her things, you can move into traditions of your own and you can let your child be involved in establishing those traditions over the years.

I've also noticed when I'm grieving, I'm much more likely to start arguments because it allows me to feel angry rather than sad. For that reason, I wouldn't say anything to my MIL if I were in your situation.

This sounds like it is part of a bigger issue. So while I have sympathy with the let it go approach, I think I would in this instance assert your wishes. If you can still buy the calendar you want, then simply ask your MIL if she has kept the receipt for hers - she must have misunderstood that you were doing this for DS. And just give the presents from grandma not Santa. Tough times OP.

My children have 4 advent calendars EACH!! I'm torn between thinking how lovely that grandparents wanted to get them and that they didn't think we'd get them for our own children maybe they all know I can be a bit tight with the sweeties

My own MIL talks about buying stocking presents but she just means small gifts to go alongside one larger gift that's she's bought! I remember being quite sensitive about these things for PFB first christmas/birthday, etc and the less mentioned about bikegate 2014 the better but some things really are just people who love your kids wanting to do something nice. You'll know yourself if it's more like oneupmanship and that's when you need DH onside!

Do you know on Mumsnet, MIL are almost always doomed to be in the wrong. If they keep away, they are accused of being cold. If they buy presents they are accused of being over interested and intrusive.

It is a very difficult relationship to get right because of the individual issues of everyone involved.

I have just posted a very small parcel that cost me £9 to send, that's quite a lot if you have one or two to post for Christmas. I would have liked to give them to the recipient as then I would know they were safely delivered. There are very little guarantees of delivery with the PO nowadays, unless you pay a lot. Perhaps the MIL was anxious about them being delivered safely?

I think the MIL should have asked, as that is my mantra. It means that there is a lot of pussy footing around involved in a relationship with a DIL as subconsciously both sides may be looking for problems.

Ask yourself OP if a friend came to your house and had brought a present of a stocking and a Advent calendar for your DCS would you throw them back in their face and say ' I wanted to buy them ?

Why can't your MIL be given the benefit of the doubt and forgiven for a lapse of sensitivity.
A good relationship depends on give and take.

I agree with Abe, keep the calender and you can put your own bits in the pockets so it's from both of you?
But do your own stocking for DS as you'll want to do in the future. You can add some of the bits from MIL's stocking if you wish?
Am sorry for your loss

I strongly suggest that you put the advent calendar away to perhaps use another year. Buy your own - this is obviously important to you and you need to be kind to yourself. And this is your son's first Christmas. Likewise the stocking - rewrap the gifts as another poster has suggested and go on with your plans as normal. Otherwise you will remember this and it will become more of a problem. Draw a boundary around the experiences that you had been looking forward to with your son and don't allow anyone to enter that territory. There are plenty of ways a grandmother can enjoy her grandson without stepping on your toes. If I were you, I would mention calmly, probably when saying thank you for the gifts, that you feel the stocking is a parent's job so you gave the gifts from Grandma at a different point in the day. Then she definitely won't consider this a tradition and do it everyday - and she'll understand you mean business when you say you're going to do something.

every year

"Draw a boundary around the experiences that you had been looking forward to with your son and don't allow anyone to enter that territory."

It's not a battle.

Daisy with some grandparents it is. My children have nothing to do with their father's mother because she made every single family integration about her. So none of us see her and haven't done for over a decade. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but some people do have to draw lines and defend them. We did it with no contact, some people just carve out parts of their life they're not prepared to compromise on.

Interaction, not integration. I can't spellcheck today. Sorry.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but can't see any problem with your friend being asked to drop things off. I do think your MIL should have asked about the advent calendar and stocking, but at 9 months your DS will be oblivious! Thank her gracefully this year and put it behind you. Next year talk about it in plenty of time to agree on a compromise.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to comment, it's very reassuring for me.

The stocking she has sent down has chocolate and presents in it and it is lovely. I'm slightly jealous that she's done that and not me clearly I'm like a child

However she does have form for undermining me and trying to steal the limelight. I'm also slightly bitter that she only takes an interest in DS when it suits her, such as buying presents and having photos taken with him. She is never especially keen to just see him and spend time with us. This is why DH feels he is wasting his time saying anything to her as she won't listen and will continue to do as she pleases.

I have nothing against in laws, my previous MIL was fabulous and I miss her a lot.

I think you have to remember that there is no way that anything she does - stocking, calendar, whatever - will be as awesome as anything you do! You are the MUM, and are therefore the centre of your child's world, and nothing can compete with that!

To be honest, when I look back to Christmasses as a kid, I do not even remember what my grandparents bought me. I know they did get me stuff, but it's the time with my parents I remember. Why? Because they were the ones I opened the gifts with, and they were the ones who went outdoors and played with the new bike or the new toy. It wasn't the bike or the toy I was fixated on - it was having time with my Dad, laughing around.

I think as adults we get very hung up on the quality and textures of material things. Kids, especially when young, are quite unaware of objects in that way - but they are hyper-aware to quality of time. If you want the limelight, spend the time having a joyous play with them in the house. That's what they will recall in years to come.

Seriously, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

It wasn't insensitive to send the presents with someone who was travelling up. She doesn't expect you to open them there and then.

Whether you thank her or not is up to you.

You don't have to use the stocking she sent and you don't have to use the advent calendar. Simple.

I think that if you like the Advent Calendar & stocking then why not use them in future with stuff from you/Father Christmas?

Or will MIL be sending stuff to put in them every year?

Gin, given your update I think you should just donate them to a women's refuge and enjoy sorting out an extra-awesome advent calendar yourself for next year. Lots of festive stuff will be on offer in a few short weeks, and you can make/buy exactly what you want. The gifts were clearly about her, not your son.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think DH should ring and say that the gifts have arrived safely, thank you. He could express surprise at their arrival with the friend, as he thought you were all meeting later in the month to exchange gifts. Then he could talk about the funeral and how you are coping. He could say that he is surprised she hadn't sent a card, or had she forgotten?

Look, in your shoes, I would keep the calendar and stocking if I liked them, open and decide which stocking gifts to keep (as there may be some that aren't suitable, re wrap and place in a gift bag labelled from Granny. You choose and buy what you want and put in the stocking. You decide whether to put the empty Advent calendar on display this Christmas as a decoration, or put away for next year. It won't matter if you aren't entertaining MIL at your home this year. Next year you may find that the stocking she has bought may be too small to fit stocking presents for a toddler, and you can choose your own!

Oh, and if MIL likes a bit of oneupmanship, never tell her what you are planning on getting DS if you think she will rush out and buy it before you do.

If this is thoughtless, you've led a very charmed life my love.

Say thanks, how kind and mix up the bits and pieces in your BABY'S stocking. Or just pop the bits under the tree, and eat the chocolate yourself. Your baby won't know what's going on at all. In time your traditions will be more fixed, your confidence greater and you'll manage this kind of stuff better. By the sounds of it she'll get tired of trying to compete soon enough anyway.

Don't phone her other than to thAnk her for thinking of your ds etc, and be grateful your ds has a granny who makes an effort regardless.