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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL and Christmas one

116 replies

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 11:54

Yesterday was my darling grandmothers funeral, I was always so close to her and miss her so much. One of my best friends travelled up to the funeral and arrived with a load of Christmas gifts for my DS, from MIL on the day of the funeral. This really upset me as I didn't think it was the time or the place and don't think it was fair on my friend to have been asked to do this by MIL. The gifts included a Stocking and advent calendar, which I previously mentioned to MIL that I was looking forward to doing for DS as excited to make Christmas traditions for DS.

I haven't even done a stocking or advent calendar yet as I have been arranging the funeral. So it's like she has done DS 'first' calendar and stocking.

We were under the impression that we would be seeing MIL before Christmas to sort out gifts then. She hasn't mentioned to me or DH that this is no longer the plan and the presents would be coming up yesterday.

I know she's been thoughtless, but my question is AIBU to say that as DS mother I am the one to do a stocking and advent calendar, not her? DH will not say anything to her so how do I go about not letting this happen next year? Or have I lost all perspective because of the funeral?

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 01/12/2015 12:40

I would accept the advent calendar but it wouldn't stop me doing my own.

However, I wouldn't be happy about the stocking and, in a few days, call your MIL. Thank her for the gifts/calendar but mention you found the timing of it upsetting albeit you believe it was done with the best intentions. Then I would say that you cannot accept the stocking as you feel strongly that it is a parent's privilege to do this. Offer the choice of returning it to her or donating to a charity local to you.

Be firm, be polite and believe what you're saying.

Wolpertinger · 01/12/2015 12:41

Also you had mentioned that you were going to get that sort of advent calendar for DS and then she's gone and bought one.

In future starve her of information. Don't tell her what you are planning to do or buy so she can't engage in this sort of oneupmanship. Practice vague noncomittal answers to questions.

MIL: Are you getting an advent calendar?
You: Hmm, not sure

1st December - MIL arrives with small chocolate advent calendar, you are setting up massive fabric calendar of your dreams.

And so on.

MummaB123 · 01/12/2015 12:45

I can totally sympathise! I don't have any contact with my MIL anymore (husband's choice), but she always had a habit of undermining me, and it's hard to accept then that the things they do are really to help you out, rather than to make you look bad!
At least with the advent calendar you get to fill it yourself, but I would not be happy about the stocking! That is a parent's job as far as I am concerned. I would just tell her that I'd actually already done his stocking, so you will just put her presents under the tree.
I do feel for you. I never understand why in-laws seem to be so insensitive so often!

Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 12:46

I doubt your MIL meant any harm, although obviously you found the timing a bit insensitive. But I think you're probably letting things upset you that normally you would see in perspective.

And please don't follow Wolpertinger's advice.That's not really helpful or fair on your MIL.

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2015 12:46

Then I would say that you cannot accept the stocking as you feel strongly that it is a parent's privilege to do this

Please, please don't do this. Even if she's done wrong this will cause huge offence.
Take the contents out and put them in a box for him to open. Then the stocking connotation is no longer there. Make sure next year her son makes it clear she's not to do one.

Has the advent calendar got anything in it? If so replace with what you want him to have.

DrasticAction · 01/12/2015 12:46

Op I understand your upset, I just wonder if it wasn;t a gesture to try and actually cheer you up a little? take your mind off things?

You dont have to give the stocking at all or the calendar. you can give them away, give them after you have given yours, you can even give them back.

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2015 12:46

I don't think there is a way to 'politely return' gifts to a grandparent. Since you were going to but the same advent calendar I suggest you try to feel pleased. You get to fill the gifts each year.

Re the stocking, I suggest you thank her and tell her you will keep it for when she visits so she can help ds to unwrap it. You can add in that of course you are looking forwards to doing his actual Stocking each year.

The timing was slightly off but truthfully I agree it's more in the passing over from your friend than your MIL.

Sorry for your loss and enjoy your first Christmas with ds but don't get sidetracked with petty grievances.

Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 12:47

That's not really helpful.....

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2015 12:47

Oh and YANBU that her timing was completely shit and thoughtless, especially as she apparently couldn't be bothered to offer you her sympathies. :(

PurpleCrazyHorse · 01/12/2015 12:48

A bit thoughtless timing I think and I'd get DH to do the thanks.

I know how you feel about stepping in on traditions you want to start, we've had that a little bit. I'd pass on the advent pocket hanging from MIL if you want to buy your own, unless you really love it. If you keep it, the tradition can be what you put in it, or how you use it and there's some suggestions in other posts. It will lose significance over who bought it in time. You could also look to personalise it if you're slightly creative (or have a friend who is) so you make it less your MIL's and more 'yours'. It's not wrong to pass on unsuitable gifts, they're a gift, you don't have to use them or have them in your house.

The stocking, I'd want to buy our own and wouldn't use MIL's. I bought DD's for her first Christmas as she's used it every year. We will do the same for DS but probably not in time for this year, if DM or MIL bought one for DS, I'd pass it on in due course and buy our own. I also know they wouldn't buy one in our taste (DD's in a Fair Isle knitted one so DS's will match in style). The stocking presents... I'd take a nosy at them so as not to duplicate and give them to the children as little extra presents from Granny.

Take care of yourself and get DH to do the communicating with MIL so you don't have to worry about it.

Borninthe60s · 01/12/2015 12:52

So sorry for your loss

Let it go this year, he can have her advent calendar and stocking, it's not like he will remember it. During the course of next year mention how lovely it was for her to do that for his first Xmas but you are really looking forward to doing it from now on.

From her POV she has perhaps thought it would lighten your load as you've had such a tough time.

Choose the battles you fight, I don't think this one is worth the aggro as you've enough to cope with st the moment.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/12/2015 12:58

Keep them if you like them, if not then return them with we've already bought them for DC1

The tradition is in filling them as other posters have said though I liked the suggestion of giving it to your DH. She can hardly object :)

I'm sorry you have lost your grandmother. Even if she has form for this sort of thing it's entirely possible she is just being thoughtless and I guess is it worth having a row over.

LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2015 13:03

I'm sorry but I think she is out of line. These things are special and they are for the parents. I would keep them, politely return them when you can and say oh dear what a pity you had already done these for YOUR CHILD

How petty and horrible. I would be delighted if my MIL did this for my boys, I dont see them as exclusively "my right". Its not a competition about who can show the most love. A parents relationship is different from a Grandparents relationship and the more people that a child has to love them the better. "YOUR CHILD".....this kind of behaviour will only cause unnecessary hurt and ill feeling. I'm sure Grandparents are well aware of who their grandchildrens parents are.

LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2015 13:04

OP so sorry for your loss, its not pointless at all. Your DS wont know anything about traditions, get a stocking and advent calendar to.

LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2015 13:06

Then I would say that you cannot accept the stocking as you feel strongly that it is a parent's privilege to do this

It just gets worse.

DrasticAction · 01/12/2015 13:07

laguna there are un said etticute about all this sort of thing and parents are allowed to enjoy their children in among all the daily grind, discipline, learning and so on.
There are small magcial moment for a parent who wants too to savour, these include stockings and so on.

Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 13:08

I am shocked at the posters telling the OP to give the gifts back to the MIL and basically tell her they're not wanted.
That is rude and hurtful and effectively throwing a well meant gesture back in someone's face. I think some people get so carried away with their 'rights' in relation to Christmas and their children that they turn the whole thing into a nasty competition. Is that really a tradition people want to set up?

Not directed at the OP, but some of the respondents.

GloriousGoosebumps · 01/12/2015 13:08

Given that you had told your MiL of your intentions, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You should go ahead and buy the Advent calendar and Christmas stocking as planned. Put your Advent calendar in the best position, which in our house would be the sitting room as we co-slept so baby's room was just a beautifully decorated souless room then put MiL's somewhere else... As for the Christmas stocking, use your's, after all your MiL chose and filled the Christmas stockings for her children and you should have that opportunity now.

DrasticAction · 01/12/2015 13:09

daisy

Its not a nice thing to do, but then again its not a nice thing to be in a position to be thinking about doing.

It depends on how bloody minded and stubborn the mil is really.

Sometimes only such a gesture would close future offerings down.

DrasticAction · 01/12/2015 13:10

i guess the main point here to op is, whatever she does, there are option.

LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2015 13:12

There are small magcial moment for a parent who wants too to savour, these include stockings and so on

If the parents wants to "savour" the moment then surely its about seeing their child with their stocking, not about who gets it for them then by that reasoning? Nothing wrong with doing a stocking from parents and Grandparents.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 01/12/2015 13:12

Get your son the advent calendar you wanted and put chocolate coins in the other one for your husband. And don't forget to buy one for yourself

But YANBU - a funeral was not the time nor the place, especially as she hadn't contacted you to let you know. That's what I would have done if I was going to send some things up. That and ring to offer my condolences or send a card

LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2015 13:13

As for the Christmas stocking, use your's, after all your MiL chose and filled the Christmas stockings for her children and you should have that opportunity now

And here we have MN bingo - "Grannys had her TURN its your TURN now".

pookamoo · 01/12/2015 13:14

Sorry for your loss, OP.

If your MIL isn't coming at Christmas, she won't know whether you have used the stocking or advent calendar, will she. At 9 mo, your DS will have no opinion anyway.

In your shoes, I'd put away the gifts until Christmas. If the stocking itself is bothering you, take the presents out of it. Then you can send her a photo of DS with the presents after they are opened at Christmas. It will all blend into one anyway.

Do people do advent calendars for babies?

MrsFrankRicard · 01/12/2015 13:16

Hmm, I dunno, my MIL has bought the big cloth advent calendars and filled them for my kids, while it would have been nice to have got those myself, what she chose was fine and saved me a job really. And now I fill the calendar up myself with cool things so you could do the same. As for the stocking, think that would annoy me too, I would just get another one. Is she normally overbearing? Sorry for your loss

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