Another MIL and Christmas one

[GinMartinis]

Yesterday was my darling grandmothers funeral, I was always so close to her and miss her so much. One of my best friends travelled up to the funeral and arrived with a load of Christmas gifts for my DS, from MIL on the day of the funeral. This really upset me as I didn't think it was the time or the place and don't think it was fair on my friend to have been asked to do this by MIL. The gifts included a Stocking and advent calendar, which I previously mentioned to MIL that I was looking forward to doing for DS as excited to make Christmas traditions for DS.

I haven't even done a stocking or advent calendar yet as I have been arranging the funeral. So it's like she has done DS 'first' calendar and stocking.

We were under the impression that we would be seeing MIL before Christmas to sort out gifts then. She hasn't mentioned to me or DH that this is no longer the plan and the presents would be coming up yesterday.

I know she's been thoughtless, but my question is AIBU to say that as DS mother I am the one to do a stocking and advent calendar, not her? DH will not say anything to her so how do I go about not letting this happen next year? Or have I lost all perspective because of the funeral?

YANBU. It's totally inappropriate to use the occasion of a funeral for handing over Christmas presents, especially to the person arranging the funeral! Jesus wept

The sad thing is that the GM is happy to buy lots of things, and impose her choices on the OP's family, yet has no real relationship with her DGS. OP says she doesn't pick him up or play with him when she visits.

I hope she isn't coming to you for Christmas day OP.

Whatever she gives DS it is your decision ultimately whether he keeps them or not, whether they are age appropriate and safe. She can buy whatever she likes, but she can't dictate what happens to the things once she's handed them over, and you can buy whatever you like to replace them.

I would call in a few days to say thank you for the advent calendar but you had already bought him one, so would she like you to return it to her so she can get her money back. The stocking I would just tell your DS is from Grandma and keep doing that each year she provides one. You can still do your own for him.

Very sorry for your loss

I handed over all the children's Christmas presents at my brother's funeral 2 years ago. I live at a distance and having travelled up, paid for a hotel for 2 nights I really didn't know if I would have any extra cash for another Christmas visit or the postage to send parcels to 8 different addresses all over the UK.

Of course I waited until we arrived at the buffet venue after the funeral, but nobody was offended at all. I simply transferred 25 Christmas bags from my car to theirs. I was particularly sensitive about my widowed SIL but she told me to get her DGD's gift bag out of the car and give it to my niece (rather than give it to another family member to deliver later). Maybe we are a strangely practical family - I don't know.

I think the problem is your overall relationship with your MIL rather than this particular incident.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. It is always difficult to lose those we love, but your grandmother would want you to remember her fondly and not allow the present-giving for DS to tarnish your last goodbye to her.

Take care

It depends on the motives of the giver doesn't it? If this was genuinely the action of a kind and loving grandmother, then of course the OP should receive them in that light, regardless of her own feelings. What she does with them afterwards is entirely her decision of course........

If - as seems likely - the MiL had other motives, then the OP doesn't necessarily have to feel grateful. It does sound a bit as though she used the occasion of the funeral to give her gifts rather than at the pre-arranged time because she wanted to make sure that her advent calendar got used. And this is just massively disrespectful to the OP, who is grieving.

If you really think that she's doing this for show rather than from genuine affection, then don't say anything. Don't call and thank her yet. If she asks, just say that you didn't want to look at anything yet because you're still recovering from the funeral, so you've just put all the things your friend gave you in the spare room and you'll look at them nearer Christmas. Then at Christmas time, you can call and thank her for the generous presents from Grandma (don't say stocking) and express regret that you'd already bought your own advent calendar before you'd realised that she'd bought one...... Stress how much you enjoyed putting together your DS's stocking from Father Christmas and describe some of the things you put in it.

Hopefully, she should get the message that you regard this as very much your territory without putting any noses out of joint or being ungrateful for the gifts she did send.

Handing over presents at a funeral is a bit off to me since op said this had already been arranged for a different time. Presumably op still has to visit Mil to hand over their presents.
I have spent a lot of time making my ds his own stocking from scratch. I enjoyed doing it.
These are things I believe are personal between a parent and dc. Its imposing Mil taste on op.
A stocking and reuseable advent (bit different than card and choc shop job) are very personal things. If op had said she wished someone would make or buy, then that is different.

What's always interesting on threads like these is how subjective sensitivity is. There is no agreed 'thoughtful' way to behave in many situations. There is no point weighing in with our thoughts on how your mil choose to deliver the gifts. It's what she did and you saw it differently to her and felt hurt. That's valid. You don't need to come to any further conclusions because there are as many conclusions as there are people and the more you ask, the more confused you'll be. There are so many ways to look at something and a great deal of the time they are all worth listening to. It might sound trite but this has been a major lesson for me and I have learnt it on this forum!

My in-laws are very different to me and I went to a counselor about it. I felt invaded, manipulated, guilty and angry. She explained that any healthy relationship has boundaries, nothing to do with a battle but more to do with you having the right to be you. The more you feel you can trust another person, the more vulnerable you'll feel you can be with them. When there isn't much trust, or with someone you don't know, you have a perfect right to keep your boundaries high if that's the way you feel comfortable. So with my mil, when I was pregnant with our first child, I felt guilty about not giving her a little scan picture I had framed. I knew it would mean a lot to her. Then I decided there is a boundary around my parental relationship with my child that I'm under no obligation to remove for anyone. I realised that I wasn't willing and didn't need to share any and every part of the parenting experience with a grandparent, though I wanted them to take pleasure in their own role-which will benefit my children.

Since then, I've had no problem deciding what parts of my child's life are appropriate to invite grandparents into. It makes for stability and actually frees me up to support the grandparents role. The key is not feeling like you mustn't rock the boat, but to do it pleasantly. I don't stew about anything, but just say 'Dh and I are taking of such and such'. And don't think about it again. The beauty of being in charge! They used to get annoyed but I don't believe they bother now.

I always imagine what I'd want for my dd when she's a mother. Would I want her to have the pleasure of making up her baby's sticking? Absolutely. Wouldn't dream of doing it. Why should a grandparent do something that they have already had the chance to experience? At the same time, they can't be expected to know my thoughts and I have a responsibility to make these known, though it sounds like your mil knew yours perfectly well. Proceed on the assumption that she forgot; the outcome is the same.

I have no problem with the advent calendar that arrived in the post for dd this morning.

I do take responsibility for including grandparents at the same time, which you clearly do as well.

Blythe you put that so well, thank you. I'm really going to take on board what you've said.

I've calmed down a lot in the past 24 hours and have been able to put things into a better perspective. MIL and I are fundamentally very different people, she annoys me, I annoy her and that's how it is. I need to pick my battles and not let her know how much she is getting to me. Likewise, as previous posters have said DS is too young to even know what's going on so its not worth the grief I'll be explaining my plans to her for next Christmas in October

You know what she is like! Keep one step ahead and have your strategy in place- she seems fairly predictable.

I think the timing was bad, it was quite insensitive and I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't see why there can only be one advent calendar/stocking for your son. My DS has 2 fabric advent calendars one from us and one from an aunt he really enjoys getting a couple of treats.

I don't even see the issue with the stocking either, you can still get him one, I'd be tempted to get a lovely personalised one with his name on it so it's a bit special and have the other one from his gran. I'm sorry if this will sound harsh but it's not about you, it's about your DS and I'm sure growing up he will love that his parents and his gran are doing nice things for him. My in laws aren't interested in my kids and I feel really sad for them. I would personally let it go if you don't it will probably keep eating away at you and will eventually cause a rift.

I just can't get over the fact that anyone would send over PRESENTS on the day of a funeral. Especially if they hadn't checked in advance to make sure that would be okay.

That really does take a rather enormous glut of total insensitivity and bad manners.

Not to mention she didn't bother to include a "deepest condolences" card!

Really sorry sbout your loss OP.

It wasn't good timing to send presents, the way it all reads very much depends on your relationship the rest of the year.

It sounds as if inlaws and you have the same Santa tradition:

1. Santa fills the stocking left out by the child, these come from Santa and delivered by him on Christmas Eve.
2. All other presents come from the person who brought them.
3. There is no "Santa left me these at my house for you" tradition. Or Aunt Matilda brought these, posted them to Santa, who then delivered them back to be put in the stocking?

This is how your husband experienced Christmas, this is how you want Christmas to be for your children, you have told MIL this. Your MIL has decided to randomly put a filled stocking together with a note about to Nanny's Special Boy from Santa in a situation when you can't deal with it

Maybe she is being helpful and thinking about you and her son not having the energy to do it all this year. Or maybe she is tying to get in there first and carry on being Santa. Maybe a bit of a mixture. Only you and your husband will have a clue about that

To cover all basis is it possible to thank her for the filled stocking and advent THIS year. That you appreciate her consideration that you and her son maybe wouldn't have time THIS year, due to the funeral. Crack a joke that the baby will have sooo many presents from Santa. Then drop it for next year and see what she does.

What you do with the advent and stocking very much depends on how much you see them over the festive period. If it's a beautiful calendar and you see them regularly then it could be proudly hung up every year, mil could be tasked with filling it every year if she so desires. If they hardly visit then they will have no idea! Then next year if she tries on the stocking thing again, despite knowing the norm in your house, then you will have to do a swift reminder that they will be presented as from Grannie. She can knock heself out with presents and fun gifts but they are not from Santa.

If I've got it all wrong and the reality is that ; her own grandparents did a stocking to her from Santa, along with ones from parents, Aunt Matilda, Doug the family Dog, the magical Cat collects them all, puts them on the Polar Express, for the elves to collect at Bonkers Station, who put a spell on them to send Santa, who then delivers them back to random relatives to give on random (he really needs a better address book and map), then ignore most of my post and try to have a nice chat with her about it.

I just can't get over the fact that anyone would send over PRESENTS on the day of a funeral

It works for some families - but not in the OP's case.

I just can't get over the fact that anyone would send over PRESENTS on the day of a funeral.

She probably saw it as a:

Person A is going to Location B. I can give them stuff that needs to go to location B and save postage.

Without really giving thought to circumstances.

Not justifying it she could have at least sent a card along with it. But it seems more like thoughtlessness than anything malicious.

There comes a point, though, where thoughtlessness causes nearly as much damage as malice. And where you can't just keep excusing it as 'Oh they're just being insensitive AGAIN'. Intent matters, but it isn't everything - we all make allowances for people with two left feet socially, but there is a point beyond which someone's actions are so crass and selfish that they really can't be entirely defended on those grounds.

There are also some people who are deliberately tone deaf to others, because it suits them down to the ground to be so. Means they can get away with murder without being accused of malice.

Maybe she didn't expect the friend to hand over the presents at or shortly after the funeral?