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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL and Christmas one

116 replies

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 11:54

Yesterday was my darling grandmothers funeral, I was always so close to her and miss her so much. One of my best friends travelled up to the funeral and arrived with a load of Christmas gifts for my DS, from MIL on the day of the funeral. This really upset me as I didn't think it was the time or the place and don't think it was fair on my friend to have been asked to do this by MIL. The gifts included a Stocking and advent calendar, which I previously mentioned to MIL that I was looking forward to doing for DS as excited to make Christmas traditions for DS.

I haven't even done a stocking or advent calendar yet as I have been arranging the funeral. So it's like she has done DS 'first' calendar and stocking.

We were under the impression that we would be seeing MIL before Christmas to sort out gifts then. She hasn't mentioned to me or DH that this is no longer the plan and the presents would be coming up yesterday.

I know she's been thoughtless, but my question is AIBU to say that as DS mother I am the one to do a stocking and advent calendar, not her? DH will not say anything to her so how do I go about not letting this happen next year? Or have I lost all perspective because of the funeral?

OP posts:

CrumbledFeta · 01/12/2015 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiritheLionessofCintra · 01/12/2015 17:55

Op, I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

But I don't think YABU. The timing for the gifts was terrible and I can see how you could interpret it as insensitive. The day was meant to
be about your grandmother, saying goodbye and remember her ...not presents.

I think MIL IBU since you had told her you wanted to do these things yourself. I do think you should put MIL's away and buy your own as it seems quite important to you and might help cheer you up a bit as you said you'd been looking forward to it. Anything that helps you the light this is defiantly not pointless.

Carriemac · 01/12/2015 17:59

I think YANBU only because she didn't send a condolence card or message too you. That is rude and thoughtless., don't phone and thank her. Write a card from DS .

scarlets · 01/12/2015 18:44

I think that you're overreacting but I completely understand why. I'm so sorry for your loss.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 19:00

I remember your other thread I think. Is she the high chair gazumper? You specifically asked her not to do this right, and said you were looking forward to doing it yourself. If so, this is not her being nice, it is more of her manipulation. As you clearly know.

I would put the calendar and stocking away for now and say nothing.

I would go ahead and buy my own calendar as soon as possible without telling her Then ring her to say thanks for the advent calendar but we've already got our own like I mentioned before. It looks expensive, I'll give it back so you can get a refund.

As for the stocking (for a 9 month old, wtf). Say wow thanks for all the presents. Then go ahead and get your own stocking, fill it as you want (I still think you are mad doing that for 9 month old but hey each to their own). Put her stuff under the tree labelled as being from her. I assume she is trying to claim Santa as hers. Make a point of yours being from Santa and hers being lovely presents from DGPs. Obviously DS won't have a clue but you and she will.

Grandparents giving a stupid number of Christmas presents is something that happens and you can't be upset about without being a twat. But you can deliver them according to your own Christmas tradition whatever you and DH choose that to be.

Original poster

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 19:14

runrabbit that wasn't me but could have been by the sounds of it!

I've just had a look at the things she got (I hadn't opened them but I've taken them out the bag) everything is gift labelled as "To Nannys special boy, lots of love from Santa"

I'm totally over reacting but she's pissed me off. DH will have to have a quiet word with her tomorrow whether he wants to or not.

OP posts:

Libitina · 01/12/2015 19:15

I think that you're overreacting but I completely understand why. I'm so sorry for your loss.

This.

mintoil · 01/12/2015 19:32

OP, please don't get DH to kick up a fuss over this.

I am usually the first one to say MIL is out of order, get DH to sort her out, but when I read your posts I just felt really sad for you. You know you are over reacting - you have said it yourself,so please don't cause further hassle when you are already grieving.

DS will not have a clue what is going on this Christmas. If you want to "lose" the advent calendar in between when it is out away this year and when it's time to go in the loft next year then that is fine isn't it?

The labels on the gifts are also fine - I just cannot see what you are complaining about. She is his nanny and she is saying he is special.

Give yourself a break and take a step back.

Mehitabel6 · 01/12/2015 19:37

Sorry for your loss but I don't find anything insensitive in sending presents with a friend if she happened to be seeing you- it isn't something that intrudes on the funeral.
You don't have to use the advent calendar or you could have two. Personally I wouldn't bother to have any until next year when he can understand.
The stocking you just put under the tree with a label 'from Grandma' and do your own from Father Christmas.
Since your DC is far too young to know who anything is from, and will probably find the wrapping paper the most interesting, you can get DH to sort it out for next year.

Mehitabel6 · 01/12/2015 19:43

When my DH died it was our DS's first birthday- I don't think it was insensitive for people to do birthday presents and funerals.

Wolpertinger · 01/12/2015 19:51

I think Mehitabel's idea is great and you could do it every Christmas - just put all her presents under the tree and announce they are from Grandma.

See how you feel next year. A lot of our Christmas decorations were damaged by a wasps nest in the loft one year. Just sayin

myusernamewastaken · 01/12/2015 19:57

I lost my parents when my children were tiny....my kids have grown up with no grandparents....i'd have given anything for them to have been adored and spoilt by a doting nanny and grandad....

dulcefarniente · 01/12/2015 19:59

Laguna it's normal for parents to do the stockings for their children and lots of people get a great deal of pleasure from doing it. The OPs MIL did it for her own children and wants to have that pleasure all over again with her dgs. Assuming that when the time comes the OP wouldn't want to deprive her dcs (and their dps) of the pleasure of doing it for their dcs. This means she wouldn't ever get to experience it herself - is that really fair?

pookamoo · 01/12/2015 20:07

OP, please do check with your DH what his family traditions are about Santa.

In my house growing up, FC only brought the stockings, which contained little things like socks, matchbox cars, crayons, an orange etc. Nothing else ever came "from Santa/FC".

As an adult I have now discovered so many things people do differently re. FC/Santa. In one friend's house, labels like the ones your MIL has put on, would be absolutely normal, as Santa acts purely as a delivery system for family and friends.

Could it be that she is just doing her own idea of Santa and hasn't thought to check how you are going to do it?

Original poster

GinMartinis · 01/12/2015 20:16

I checked with DH, he said growing up it was his parents that did the stocking and the Santa presents and grandparents did presents from them.

I am lucky DS has grandparents but as I said before they are only interested in presents and photos. MIL never plays with him or picks him up or actually get involved when she sees him.

Every week since DS was born I've made a point of sending MIL photos as she doesn't see that much of him. She never acknowledges the photos but was quick enough to text me to say she hadn't got them last week, the reason being I was with grandma as she was dying.

Its her previous begaviour that has skewed my view with the presents and calendar I think. Not to mention timing.

OP posts:

DieDeutschLehrerin · 01/12/2015 20:18

As a thought, my two have a wooden advent calendar each and two of those little wooden trees that you slot together and decorate. We put the decorations behind the doors and they add one every day. You could make this you Christmas tradition instead as they make lovely keepsakes. Mum made them a fabric one too and we pop chocolates in there.
With the presents, I would take off the labels and just put them under the tree. When you speak to her say you must have forgotten to say, but you and DH want to choose the presents for his stocking, but not to worry, you've Sorted everything out and now there won't be any confusion next. Plaster a big smile on and say thank you for the beautiful calendar, it's just as well as you'd changed your minds and decided to choose something more appropriate/appealing to a 9month old. My MIL can be rather control freaky and substitute parenty like this so I do sympathise, but they aren't going to change, you just have to maintain the upper hand wherever you can.
I'm sorry for your loss, my Gran died 8 weeks before my DD was born and it was very sad. But she loved me enormously and would have wanted me to spend as many minutes being happy as possible and as few feeling resentful. I'm sure yours would feel the same. Brush it off if you can for now, you have you DS's first Christmas ahead of you and many happy traditions, moments and firsts you won't need to plan for.

Senpai · 01/12/2015 20:32

Funeral aside, and sorry for you loss btw ...

He's a baby. His highlight of Christmas is going to be grabbing ornaments. Mine got overwhelmed with all the stuff last year and just played with paper. He's not going to care what he gets. So whether you put up MIL's or yours, it matters not to him.

I let DM have her traditions last year because it didn't matter to DD and it wasn't benefiting anyone at that point. But this year I gently put my foot down because at 2yo, she'll be remembering and retaining more, and it will benefit her to have certain traditions.

So at this point, do what's best for you. If you don't have time to get a Calendar, MIL's is fine. It can disappear next year. If you want to pick one out, go get one, he won't care about that either. But don't hold in holiday resentment you want to enjoy your baby's first Christmas

SouthWesterlyWinds · 01/12/2015 20:46

...his parents did the stocking and Santa present..

Well, that settles it then! Your DH is a very lucky lucky boy then

HesterBlue · 01/12/2015 21:09

Hi OP
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a very difficult time for you, do be gentle with yourself. It must be very upsetting that she's not sent you a card or any sympathies. As you'd previously told her you were looking forward to doing these things yourself, its doubly upsetting that she either wasn't listening or thought she'd go ahead and do it anyway.

I would send a text or note to thank her for the gifts. Then put her stocking with its presents under the tree for unwrapping when all the family gifts are exchanged, and explain its from Nanny. Then get your own stocking and do whatever you had in mind to do with it first thing in the morning. It's not pointless at all (even if DS won't remember any of it); it's something you were looking forward to doing during a sad time in your life for you so you should do it, otherwise you might find yourself taking it very hard if his first Christmas morning doesn't happen in the way you had hoped.

Just put the advent calendar away and if she asks you can say you're not up to doing advent this year or he's too young for chocolate every day this year, or whatever you like, then you can think about what to do about it next year. If its like the one you wanted, it could be a lovely gift that you get to fill next year?

totalrecall1 · 01/12/2015 21:32

Can't a child have more than one stocking? Mine certainly have more than one advent calender. Maybe I am missing something but I really don't see the issue with what she has done.

dulcefarniente · 01/12/2015 21:33

I would be wary of setting a precedent this year if she currently ignores your requests unless your dh will support you in the future. Although your ds is too young to remember anything of this Xmas your mil isn't and may take this as the green light to do it every year. My xmil was like that. She demanded to do allsorts of things and then it became a case of "I always do the family stockings" ( or whatever it was) and then cry if she was asked not to until h, fil, sils all pleaded for her to be allowed to do it.

Despite knowing that I was unable to have more dcs she always moaned that she should be the first to do everything with my dc because her children had been so badly behaved she hadn't enjoyed doing things with them and it wasn't fair for her to have missed out. Any suggestion that we should all do it together was always refused.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/12/2015 10:02

She always moaned that she should be the first to do everything with my dc because her children had been so badly behaved she hadn't enjoyed doing things with them and it wasn't fair for her to have missed out.

Wow but that's self absorbed !

IJustLostTheGame · 02/12/2015 10:13

Wrap the stocking up and treat it like a present.
Then do the official santa one yourself.

Personally I'd be fuming over the stocking. I love doing them.

Actually the calendar would nark me as I'm a spend a pound on a chocolate one and it's job done. Having to fill the sodding thing every year would rattle me. But if I wanted one of those and some one got me one I'd be pretty chuffed.

LagunaBubbles · 02/12/2015 10:25

Laguna it's normal for parents to do the stockings for their children and lots of people get a great deal of pleasure from doing it. The OPs MIL did it for her own children and wants to have that pleasure all over again with her dgs. Assuming that when the time comes the OP wouldn't want to deprive her dcs (and their dps) of the pleasure of doing it for their dcs. This means she wouldn't ever get to experience it herself - is that really fair?

I know its "normal" - Ive got 3 children myself but that doesn't exclude other people, including GPs doing a stocking to! It doesnt mean anything of the sort OP wouldnt get to "experience it"!

OP your MILs attitude however seems to be whats upsetting you just now at this emotional time for you anyway, so when you say your view is skewed by her previous behaviour I think you're right. I still dont think there is anything wrong in GPs buying DGCs stockings, calendars etc and some posters are being completely precious about this as just a parents "entitlement" but the more you post about your MIL the more I think this is only a tiny part of whats going on.

StDogolphin · 02/12/2015 10:41

This is what I would do; I would give the stocking to charity, some other child will love and benefit from it. I would unwrap all the toys as in our home Father Christmas doesn't have time for wrapping paper and labels! I would select a few for the stocking that I would make and pop the rest in the advent calendar or charity shop or re-wrap. I would keep the advent calendar and remind DS that it was a gift from his Grandmother and I would add the contents each year. For me this would make me feel like I was back in control of my families traditions and not being told what to have and do. It would also make me feel better in the run up to Christmas and each year I wouldn't feel resentful of MIL because I would have changed the stocking. For me the stocking would be the most important thing, in our family they are for your whole life but every year we have different advent calendars and contents. That would make me feel better and I wouldn't bother to mention it to her, let her think she has done it all, she will never know! I wouldn't talk to her about it either, let her think what she will.

Whatever solution you chose I hope it makes you feel better. I lost my mother and my father before Christmas (a few years apart) and we all focused on looking after ourselves as best we could through a really difficult time. I remember that the little things feel important, but although others think they are little they really are important to you if that's how you feel.

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