Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told not to contact while away

180 replies

Nanodust · 08/11/2015 19:35

I'm currently away on business. This is the first time I've ever been away my DCs are 3 and 4. I will be away for 12 days
As you can imagine I will miss them a lot. I Skyped last night to say i had arrived safely and to say hello. My DH was at his parents so skyped there.
The conversation on lasted about 5 mins.
I've now been told by my DH that because my DS were sad and down after that he and his parents think it is best that I don't contact again and just see them when I return.
I feel very sad about this. I could understand a compromise, say once every 3 or 4 days, but not at all seems very harsh to me.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 08/11/2015 19:39

Jeepers he sounds like a dick. Of course you should Skype. Surely that's better than no contact at all? I have a feeling he's resentful of your trip and he's trying to hurt you.

00100001 · 08/11/2015 19:41

I dunno, it might actually be better that you don't get in touch. You've let them know you're safe.

I know with kids at camp we have them far more upset I'd they get in touch with mum/dad when homesick.

Its definitely harder for them saying bye again.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 08/11/2015 19:41

What a load of bollocks. DH rings home every night when he's away.

YANBU

00100001 · 08/11/2015 19:42

So, yeah. Your kids I will be more upset talking to you than not.

Maybe if they ask to chat you can make yourself available?

Plus, you're gonna miss them way more than theyll miss you

Goingtobeawesome · 08/11/2015 19:43

What's it got to do with his parents ?Hmm

Original poster
Nanodust · 08/11/2015 19:44

Yeah, that's what another person on the trip is doing, speaking every night. I feel he and his parents have 'decided' this. He says that I am being selfish and only thinking about what I want and how i feel and not about the kids.
I actaually can't sleep because of this.

It's a hard trip as it is, long haul and I'm a very nervous flier, convinced I'm going to die. Also travelling with a very unsupportive manager. So this now makes me feel very insignificant :(

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 08/11/2015 19:51

Hmm is he a dick usually?

If not I would accept it now and discuss with him and the kids (depending on their age) when thy are back.

Dd was awful when dh was away. After speaking to him she could never get to sleep. She is always quite anxious anyway. When she didn't speak to him she was much better.

Although I never banned dh from calling I did tell him it made it more difficult.

00100001 · 08/11/2015 19:52

But if your kids are getting upset, then you need to listen to your DH. He is having to deal with them being upset.
Surely he knows what is best for them, as he is the one there?

Original poster
Nanodust · 08/11/2015 19:53

I just feel that I'm being a punished a bit for being away.

OP posts:
AlwaysHope1 · 08/11/2015 19:56

Yanbu he doesn't get to keep you from speaking to them. And his parents get no say! Actually it's nasty of him to suggest this as he knows it must be tough for you to be away from them.

Seeyounearertime · 08/11/2015 19:57

I think 3 & 4 year olds would probably struggle with you being away and to understand what Skype is. They ll likely be confused why they can see you but you can't be there, if that makes sense?

Maybe try a phone call home instead of Skype? See if they deal with that a bit better.

firesidechat · 08/11/2015 19:58

I think children being away on a school trip and a parent going away with work are two different things entirely.

In the first instance the children should be enjoying the experience and not necessarily reminded of home. In the op's case the children are at home and I'm sure would love some contact from the parent who has gone away, as much as the op want's to talk to them.

Like another poster when my husband was away he would always phone as much as possible and that was before mobile phones were in general use.

Also, it has nothing to do with the grandparents.

gpignname · 08/11/2015 19:59

Well there's two ways of looking at it. If the DC are really upset you need to bear that in mind but of course you will want to talk to them.

Is it a one off trip and not likely you will go away again for a long time? If you are going to be away more often from now on then it might be worth persisting so the DC get used to the idea whereas if it is a one off I would probably go for a compromise of speaking to them on the phone every few days - maybe twice more whilst you are away.

Explain to your DH that the first time is probably the worst and ask him to keep his parents out of it.
Also probably not a good idea to Skype around bedtime as it might make it difficult for them to get the DC to bed. Maybe agree a better time.

Shakshuka · 08/11/2015 19:59

I used to travel for work and when my kids were similar ages, my dh would also prefer I didn't Skype/call because it would upset them. If it was for my benefit, not for theirs. Obviously if he's doing it to punish you that's not ok but I'd say it's not unusual for it to better not have contact with kids that age during short trips.

mrsm12 · 08/11/2015 19:59

Sorry but yabu a bit, he's the one at home with ds and he's seen the reaction after the Skype call you haven't. I stayed with my parents and ds1 while pregnant and anytime we Skyped dp ds would be crying after the call and much harder to settle so we had to stop as hard as it was for dp. Sorry I'm sure it's hard being away but think about your ds here not what you want

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 08/11/2015 20:00

The grandparents have spoken out of turn and you need to speak to your children AND speak up for yourself. Flowers

no73 · 08/11/2015 20:01

I FaceTime my DS when my mum has him and thats only n between my nights i.e. he would have seen me the day before and day after. If I am running late and don't do this (happens very rarely) then my DS is very sad and he is 5. Been doing this since he was little.

I would tell them to get lost and that you will be skyping them every night. They will be sad after the first one as not used to doing it but they will be fine and far better from having spoken to you.

They are being dicks and how dare they tell you what to do with your kids!!

Original poster
Nanodust · 08/11/2015 20:06

Thanks, not sure he's going to compromise, I suggested just contacting 3 more times at 3 day intervals so that I'm not leaving him with upset kids. He just thinks no contact is best. Feel like it might affect my bond with them. They always ask for me and want me, he's often upset at that. I don't encourage it but it's just what they do.

OP posts:
AngelSparks · 08/11/2015 20:07

Thats horrific, when i go away on business i call EVERY day when i am away and have done since they were very small

I think he is VERY U!!!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/11/2015 20:07

Don't be so dramatic it's 2 weeks, you trust his judgement enough to leave the children in his care then you need to accept that he has their best interests at heart.

And you were not there after you spoke to them he was.

PicaK · 08/11/2015 20:11

To a certain extent i thnk it depends on how you were to them. Upbeat, saying you're missing them but you're having a great time, excited and interested in the great time they're having is FINE. You sound very down tho in your post - i'd hazard a guess that came across. Be honest were you doing any "i wish i was there"..."do you miss mummy" stuff.
If not then i think your dh is being unfair but again he's the one dealing with it so you have to respect his judgement. He can send you photos and video clips tho.

Potatoface2 · 08/11/2015 20:13

'i just feel im being punished a bit for being away'....thats my guess....dont take no for an answer....not skype though, a telephone call would be better

trapdooragain · 08/11/2015 20:13

seriously i would tell him to fuck off if you had split up would your kids be expected to go 12 days without some kind of contact from the parent who they don't live with? no? well then the kids will adapt

they are wanting this to make life easier for them and who knows the kids might kick off with no contact

Homebird8 · 08/11/2015 20:13

It's a new thing for the DC and like all new things takes some getting used to. As long as you can be sure of speaking with them every day I think you should promise that and within a few days they will look forward to it and the upset will be over. This is especially important if trips away will be regular.

There are many similar calls going on between non-resident parents and their children which are not stopped out of hand because they got a bit upset once.

I think it's the ILs making this decision not your DH and he needs to man up and parent. The children need to know their DM still thinks about them and wants to be with them when she is away from home.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 08/11/2015 20:18

Of course they're going to be upset on the first day their mother is away - they are little! So when they see you via Skype for a little bit and then you're gone again it'll be hard for them to understand. That doesn't mean you should then not be allowed to contact them again before you are back!

Because the next time you speak it will be a little easier for them. And the time after that even easier. Soon they will love and look forward to it. It will reassure them that you're ok and thinking of them; it will remind them how much you love them and that you still have time for them even though you're away.

It sounds like your husband and his parents are trying to hurt you for some reason. Was he annoyed about you going away?

Swipe left for the next trending thread