Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told not to contact while away

180 replies

Nanodust · 08/11/2015 19:35

I'm currently away on business. This is the first time I've ever been away my DCs are 3 and 4. I will be away for 12 days
As you can imagine I will miss them a lot. I Skyped last night to say i had arrived safely and to say hello. My DH was at his parents so skyped there.
The conversation on lasted about 5 mins.
I've now been told by my DH that because my DS were sad and down after that he and his parents think it is best that I don't contact again and just see them when I return.
I feel very sad about this. I could understand a compromise, say once every 3 or 4 days, but not at all seems very harsh to me.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jux · 09/11/2015 10:00

I would just phone every evening. Tell him that he needs to reassure them afterwards, and count the number of sleeps until you come back. What on earth would he do if you had been admitted into hospital? He's being idiotic and incompetent and selfish.

How well do you get on with the ILs? I'm just wondering if they're behind this.

BarbarianMum · 09/11/2015 10:51
honeyroar · 09/11/2015 11:34

As cabin crew (long haul) I hear about situations where colleagues kids get upset quite regularly. Most of them will come around and want to speak after a couple of days. But it's not fair to force the issue and make it a bigger one.

I think the OP is partially making the situation worse as she is stressed from travelling (which makes her frightened) and tired/on different time zones. None of that adds up to a rational thought line (believe me, I've been there a million times and got over upset about things while I've been there).

My third thought (again based on my own travel experiences) is that when the OP left she must have been happy that her DH was quite capable of looking after her children while she was away. She must have also realised that he may rely on or seek help from his parents etc. Sometimes while I'm away my Dh does something differently at home, or not quite how I'd want it done. I've learned to bite my tongue. He's more tired than usual too, got double the work and responsibility too. He has to cope/deal with things as he thinks best.

Give it a couple of days. Keep speaking to him and chatting about the children. Ask again in a few days when you've all settled down and see if he thinks they may have got a bit more used to it..

GnomeDePlume · 09/11/2015 12:36

wise words honeyroar

ICantSpellNoffink · 09/11/2015 13:23

It's amazing how different everyone's experiences are. I honestly don't think my DC missed their dad when he was away unless it was a particularly long trip. He missed them (and me) but that is more understandable. He has always been good at doing things with them when he was at home though. I used to make sure I had done all the chores during the week so that our weekends were free for family time.

I sometimes wonder if my DH was more 'there' for our kids than other Dads (or Mums) who didn't travel.
I'm surprised at the really negative comments about the OPs DH on this thread. He was stupid to mention his parents but otherwise I don't see how people can be quite so suspicious of his intentions.

DieRosen · 09/11/2015 13:38

I think there's a lot of unnecessary drama on here.

I don't get the impression that there's any subtext here. The OP's children are very young and won't understand why mummy keeps appearing and then disappearing like that. If they get used to the idea that she's gone away for a few days and are adjusting it probably is very disruptive to have the OP then skyping and starting the separation process all over again.

I know it's hard on the OP, but trying to make out that there's 'more to it' etc seems a bit OTT.

DieRosen · 09/11/2015 13:41

And I really think too many posters are always a bit too eager to jump onto threads and start fanning the flames and planting ideas in the OP's head about DH being 'controlling' etc on little or no evidence.

Very irresponsible and unfair in my opinion.

SheenaWasAPunkRocker · 09/11/2015 16:08

OP, as it happens, I am currently on a 10 day work trip on the other side of the world, and have a 3 and a 4 yo. I have skyped them every night so far. Maybe a different situation in that my husband travels fairly often so they are used to one parent being away, and also we have always had very equal parenting roles which has meant one of us can leave the kids with the other without anyone involved batting an eyelid.

However, what most strikes me in your posts is that your DH is 'laying down the law' (along with your ILs Hmm ) and doesn't seem willing to compromise or take your feelings into consideration. I just can't imagine a situation when my DH would disregard my feelings completely on a matter - other side of the world or not - and I would respond in any way that suggested he had a right to do so.

Yes, he may be left with the reins for a bit, but that doesn't mean he can call all the shots. If you think he's trying to punish you for being away that's even worse. Challenge him on this

florentina1 · 09/11/2015 17:35

You absolutely cannot be prescriptive about this. Some kids are happier with no contact some will get stressed by it.

They also won't react the same way every time. It just depends what else is going on in their life on that particular day.

I am more in the no contact camp. My OH worked away loads from when they were small. It never affected the bonding. The GKs when they stay don't Skype very much. My DiLs text first to see how they are and trust us to tell them whether contact or not. We don't always call it right, but no lasting damage is ever done.

Furiosa · 09/11/2015 17:57

DieRosen if you mean my comment I think you're probably right. I wouldn't be happy at all with this situation but I can see how what I wrote may upset the OP even more. I'll ask MNHQ to delete it. I really don't want to add to her anxiety.

LaLyra · 09/11/2015 18:12

I think you need to speak to your DH when you get back and find out what the children's reactions actually were and then work out a plan for the future.

FWIW my DH doesn't speak to the children when he works away because ever since he was little DS2 would get hysterically upset after the call every single time. He'd think of something he wanted to ask or tell his Daddy and that would be that. DH didn't react brilliantly when I brought it up because he'd never seen DS react like that, but then I went on a hen weekend and the same thing happened.

You can't 100% plan how things are going to go before you go on the first trip imo because until it happens you don't know how the children are going to react.

My twin girls are 13 and their Dad is in the military. One takes each and every chance to speak to him on the phone or Skype. The other prefers to write a letter to him each week which she then takes a picture of with my phone and we send it to him. She says speaking to him too often makes the time between seeing him seem longer.

None of them have any bonding issues with their Dad.

honeyroar · 09/11/2015 18:14

I can't remember what you wrote Furiosa, but just wanted to
Say that I always admire someone who can come back and admit they're wrong/worded something wrong.

Furiosa · 09/11/2015 20:28

Thanks honeyroar, I'm wrong about loads of things but always happy to be corrected Smile

It was DieRosens comment about being irresponsible that got to me. I don't ever want to be wilfully irresponsible or encourage others to be so. I wrote my comment in good faith but on refection it was completely stupid in the circumstances.

BIWI · 09/11/2015 20:39

Hmm. A few different strands here I think. Let's try and disentangle them.

First, Maugrim, you're a nervous flier and you miss your children. That's all quite understandable, but the reason you want to speak to them is about you and not about them.

Second, your DH has said that it's upsetting for the children. Clearly this isn't good.

Third, it's a view that's been reached by your DH and his parents. That's also not good! Do they disapprove of you being away? Are you being judged by them, as 'one of those career women'?

Fourth, you feel like you're being punished for being away. This sounds like a continuation of point 3. Which is also not good! My DH used to do this - I did a lot of longhaul travelling when the DC were little, and it was painful to talk to him on the phone, as all he did was complain about things while I was away - making it painfully obvious that he hated me being away, so he was trying to make me feel bad.

Only you can make a judgement about what's really going on here, and who is reasonable/unreasonable. But the one thing I'd really advise you to be careful about is ringing your DC because it's about you.

SummerNights1986 · 09/11/2015 20:43

Don't sugar-coat the truth when you get back and they ask. They need to know who is responsible for this situation imo

Sorry, but I think that is possibly the worst bit of advice I've ever read on here Shock

Demonising daddy to the dc is absolutely NOT the way to go.

DontMindMe1 · 09/11/2015 21:20

I think there's a lot of unnecessary drama on here

i disagree. Let's put this into perspective:

  1. It is the first time that mother and children have been separated like this
  2. No agreement had been made on how to handle things should they get upset
  3. OP rings after she lands, as expected the dc are upset because this is the first time they are dealing with this situation
  4. Husband immediately decides that no more contact should take place and refuses to compromise or respond to her suggestions for 3-day intervals re contact
  5. Husband has no compassion for OP's situation - not re the anxiety associated with travelling for her OR the emotional impact this first is having on her
  6. Husband blames OP for DC upset
  7. Husband chooses to avoid talking to OP about it by using some lame excuse of 'going to bed early'...can't even be arsed texting/emailing response/suggestions, just completely cuts OP out.

It is expected that after the first call they would be upset, maybe even at the second and third....but you have to give the dc a chance to adjust to this new dynamic. Let them show you what they are capable of handling. He's not giving them that chance. He's not putting their needs first - he's putting his own needs/desires first instead. For all he knows they might be fine about if after the first couple of calls.

Jux · 10/11/2015 12:21

Completely agree, Dontmindme.

firesidechat · 10/11/2015 12:59

I agree too.

Frankly I'm astonished that some posters think it is ok for one parent to block contact between the children and the other parent. It isn't ok in seperated couples and it's certainly not ok within a loving relationship.

By all means have a grown up discussion about it, but I would be very upset if my husband made it some kind of family "rule". I wouldn't do it to my husband, he wouldn't do it to me.

firesidechat · 10/11/2015 13:00

Separated

honeyroar · 10/11/2015 23:22

How are things now OP? Hoping things have calmed down a bit for you all.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/11/2015 13:27

It can actually be quite normal for children of seperated or divorced parents to have no indirect contact in between contact.

It's a very commen arangement and is often in the best interests of the children

LagunaBubbles · 11/11/2015 14:02

Don't sugar-coat the truth when you get back and they ask. They need to know who is responsible for this situation imo

These are little children, do you really thinking creating issues for them between their parents is in their best interests?

MrsMolesworth · 12/11/2015 18:33

Is it really in the 'best interests of the children' Needs? Or does that translate to: they are less openly upset if we minimise contact, so that makes life easier for us. You only need to go onto boarding school survivor forums to learn that the minimal contact used by schools to reduce the tears and homesickness just bury the anxiety, they don't reduce it.

GreenPetal94 · 12/11/2015 20:26

It depends. Skype is quite confusing as its visual and so upsetting. At that age I would phone my husband, but probably in the evening so not speak to the children on the phone. My kids hated speaking on the phone anyway and only said hello.

stoppingbywoods · 12/11/2015 21:26

needsasock How do you know? Do you have research to back that up?