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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told not to contact while away

180 replies

Nanodust · 08/11/2015 19:35

I'm currently away on business. This is the first time I've ever been away my DCs are 3 and 4. I will be away for 12 days
As you can imagine I will miss them a lot. I Skyped last night to say i had arrived safely and to say hello. My DH was at his parents so skyped there.
The conversation on lasted about 5 mins.
I've now been told by my DH that because my DS were sad and down after that he and his parents think it is best that I don't contact again and just see them when I return.
I feel very sad about this. I could understand a compromise, say once every 3 or 4 days, but not at all seems very harsh to me.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
diddl · 08/11/2015 20:19

He and his parents?

That would fuck me off!

Well, you know, you're an adult & you can decide for yourself.

Can he not cope with the kids then??

I wouldn't phone just to prove a point & it should be about them not you imo!

orangeyellowgreen · 08/11/2015 20:19

Children in hospital used to be allowed only one brief visit weekly because it was said to upset them. Does op's husband think that was a good idea?

trapdooragain · 08/11/2015 20:19

if you don't call them the kids are going to think mommy doesn't care/doesn't miss me i think they are irritated by you going and are making sure you don't do it again

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2015 20:22

I am horrified at this! I would want to phone every day. The thought of coming home when you haven't had any contact for nearly two weeks - god, it's really horrible.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 08/11/2015 20:25

I'm sorry he's being like this. This all should have been agreed before you went and without his parents getting a say. He can't just dictate something like this. I'd be going spare if my husband just decided to cut me off from by dd. Flowers

ptumbi · 08/11/2015 20:25

You know, they used to stop parents from visiting their children in hospital, as it was 'so upsetting for the child' to say goodbye at the end of visiting hours. A long long time ago. In the barbaric ages.

Just saying.

mamas12 · 08/11/2015 20:26

This is unaccepatable, Your dh Needs to parent his children by managing their expectations.
Loads of parents go away on business this is normal so I would carry on skyping them to say goodnight and you love them etc etc
If after a week they are still struggling then he may have a point in asking you to stop it but not after just one call!
Just because he found it hard to manage them being upset so does every other parent it's called parenting

GnomeDePlume · 08/11/2015 20:29

I traveled a lot when DCs were smaller and I do agree with this:

Shakshuka Sun 08-Nov-15 19:59:32
I used to travel for work and when my kids were similar ages, my dh would also prefer I didn't Skype/call because it would upset them. If it was for my benefit, not for theirs. Obviously if he's doing it to punish you that's not ok but I'd say it's not unusual for it to better not have contact with kids that age during short trips.

When away on trips I would speak to DH but not the DCs.

It would be different if this were a multi-month posting.

Liara · 08/11/2015 20:32

My mother used to go away every year, leaving us with my gps.

We were fine and happy, except if she called, when we would be upset and crying.

Used to drive gps mad.

This was in the days when phone calls cost a fortune and would last about 30 seconds before you ran out of money in the payphone, so calls were few and far between anyway.

Never affected our bond with her, we were just happy to see her when she got back.

They are the ones taking care of the dc, and you should respect their wishes.

MrsMolesworth · 08/11/2015 20:32

But they'll get used to it. If you Skype every night, then they'll get used to the way you say goodnight when you are away. Which sets a good precedent if you need to travel for work more often. Your DH shouldn't dictate to you. Your feelings count too, and DC, though naturally upset will be less upset over time if you establish this new routine. I'd just keep Skyping your DH and asking to speak to them. He's being cruel.

HSMMaCM · 08/11/2015 20:36

Can you whatsapp him photos and he can send you some in return? When I've cared for children with absent parents, they have been upset at a FaceTime or Skype, but ok with pictures.

LockTheTaskBar · 08/11/2015 20:36

He's being lazy. He doesn't want to deal with the children's sadness that you're away. But it's part of his job as their dad.

It's really stupid and old fashioned to try to sweep feelings under the rug like this. They are young and they have never had to be without you before so they will be sad when they see you and hear you and don't get to touch you and you're not with them. Processing this, with someone else, is part of their understanding relationships and love and how we all matter to each other. They need someone to hold them through this and it's his job. It's hard to see your children sad but this is part of the job.

Things used to be managed in the way that he's suggesting and it left children damaged; thinking their parents didn't care, had forgotten them, etc. they won't not notice you're not there, but they'll pick up that they're not supposed to express that they miss you. It would be much better for them to have the joy of speaking with you, which can then become after the call an opportunity to express how much they miss you, to someone who will understand and validate their feelings, and be with them through it.

tell him to man up.

peggyundercrackers · 08/11/2015 20:39

My dd must be different to all the other kids, if I go away for work she won't come speak on the phone because she's too busy playing - does she miss me? Does she hell... But then I'm fine with that, I wouldn't like to think of her being sad just because I'm not there.

Namechangenell · 08/11/2015 20:43

Yanbu. He sounds awful! What a nasty thing to do. When DH is away, he Skypes the kids. If I am, so do I. We would never deny the other the opportunity to speak to the children.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 08/11/2015 20:44

My husband's going away in two weeks for three weeks. My youngest daughter and my 2yo son will miss him massively. If it is too hard for them to Skype then I will probably say the same. I don't want to have to deal with them upset and crying for him everytime he Skypes. Its not fair on them.

rumbleinthrjungle · 08/11/2015 20:47

His parents may come from a generation where it was thought 'easier' for children to go with 'least said soonest mended', not telling children someone had died was a common one. It's easier for adults, you don't have to do the work of helping children manage their feelings. It often isn't easier for the children.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 08/11/2015 20:49

ds didn't like to Skype when he was that age he would get upset but was fine just talking on the phone. he was used to only seeing his dad at weekends and having mid call weeks but when he went away and he skyped it really upset him

of course you should contact them and though you do not want him to be upset but he is going to miss you and at times he will be he should be allowed to express this and he needs to know you are there to talk to

MisForMumNotMaid · 08/11/2015 20:50

My sis travels quite a bit and her DC stay with their dad, our parents and frequent myhouse a fair bit. Lots if love is flowing, sis gets her work/ relaxation done, kids get lots of fuss.

When she facetimes she can't see what we're in the thick of. It does throw the kids, it does make it a little harder all round.

She is often slightly harassed when she calls, she can be a little needy as business travel can be a bit lonely/ intense. She isn't in mum mode. She's in professional mode and the DC can be slightly thrown by that.

I'd never dream of saying don't ever call though. I tend to email her lots of photos and updates. Get the DC to record a song and video message. In return she'll ping back a message/ photo/ video message. This cuts back the skyoe slightly so maybe I am manipulating the situation.

Messages go down really well with the DC as they can show off their days achievements and she can congratulate them but its all at a good time rather than like todays skype when they were in the midst of a fun game with cousins.

Maybe you could try a few stories by video message and ask for daily updates and keep the communication lines open to work on your DH compromising when he's away from his parents.

WoodHeaven · 08/11/2015 20:54

They always ask for me and want me, he's often upset at that. I don't encourage it but it's just what they do

I need to ask. Is he by any chance jumping to the opportunity to be the only one present and therefore have his children turning to him instead of you? In a way trying to redress what he sees as an imablance/an issue.

Grilledaubergines · 08/11/2015 20:54

I don't think your DH sounds nasty at all. Speaking to you is a reminder that you're not there and it can be unsettling. A compromise of a daily "morning/evening, have a great day, see you soon, love you" maybe?

Grilledaubergines · 08/11/2015 20:55

Sorry, meant the above as text message - they know you're thinking of them but they don't get upset at your voice

Jhm9rhs · 08/11/2015 20:57

No way. I'd be speaking to them every day.

WoodHeaven · 08/11/2015 20:57

DH has been travelling a lot when the dcs were away and has always spoken to them at that age.
If I'm honest, they weren't that interested in speaking to him so the calls were always very short.
It IS possible that your dcs are upset to hear you. It is also very possible that they are upset when they don't but don't show it the same way ie not crying just after a phone call/no phone call but acting up more etc... Would you trust him to be able to spot the signs of them being unsettled by you not being in touch?

Potatoface2 · 08/11/2015 21:02

it was me that cried everytime i phoned my 6 year old when i was away for a week.....she was having brilliant time at my sisters and i was devastated!

Shenanagins · 08/11/2015 21:03

To be honest it depends on the kids and whether they want to speak to you or whether it's upsetting them. Its not about what you want and how you feel as hard as that sounds.
My oh goes away for weeks at a time and we have kids similar ages to yours and it's far easier for all at home not to be skyped. This has no impact on their bond as they are as tight as ever when he gets back.

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