Told not to contact while away

[Nanodust]

I'm currently away on business. This is the first time I've ever been away my DCs are 3 and 4. I will be away for 12 days
As you can imagine I will miss them a lot. I Skyped last night to say i had arrived safely and to say hello. My DH was at his parents so skyped there.
The conversation on lasted about 5 mins.
I've now been told by my DH that because my DS were sad and down after that he and his parents think it is best that I don't contact again and just see them when I return.
I feel very sad about this. I could understand a compromise, say once every 3 or 4 days, but not at all seems very harsh to me.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

Not quite the same but I separated from my son's dad and we have 50/50 residency. When he was that age he just found it too distressing to talk to the absent parent by phone. We left it and he's now 10 and still prefers not to have contact with the other parent when he is away from them. He' sold enough now to call/Skype if he actually wants to.
He says when he was smaller it just made him miss us too much and he didn't know how to handle the emotion so it was better for him to just get on with being with whoever he was with.
I found it VERY hard - but I had to the thing which upset him the least.

Thank you everyone, a lot to reflect on. I was upbeat with them when called. I'm just a very fearful flier which makes me nervous!

When DD was little, if either DH or I were away facetime was a nightmare. She'd be devestated for up to an hour afterwards. She was fine with the phone but not with seeing the person. We forget they're very small and the idea of processing that it's a picture transmission of mummy, rather than actually mummy and mummy is still miles away and has just vanished again is a difficult one to understand. Just a voice is easier.

I agree with your DH if it is distressing them, try talking on the phone but if you're still distressing them then think about whether talking to them is for your benefit or theirs.

Nonsense I was in hospital away from my kids aged 4 and 18 months. We spoke every night. DH dealt with the fall out, but the kids gained reassurance from it too, I could tell them myself I was OK and would be home soon.

I went away with the kids for a week in half term. They are now 6, 3 and 22 months. DH was at home. He spoke to them every day. The littlest one cried, but was soon distracted.

Your DH needs to suck it up. His parents should stay out of it altogether.

If your DH had to work away from home for two weeks would he be OK with you banning him from speaking/skyping with your DCs during that time?

If not, both him and his parents (who should not be involved in making this decision at all BTW) ABU - not you.

I feel not speaking to them would be very damaging for your DC.

Yes, I get that they will be upset, but in a few days, you will return. They will still talk to you and even see you on Skype in the interim.

They don't really understand yet that you will come back, so to them you will have disappeared if you have no contact. Then you will suddenly reappear.

I would be worried about your bond too, although I have a sneaking suspicious your 'D'H might be deliberately trying to break it!

my dad used to work away 10 weeks at a time, we saw him 2 weeks between. We had absolutely no contact with him whilst he was away. It did not affect our relationship with him. I actually think it is better we did not have contact. We got with our lives, we weren't living from one phone call to the next. We weren't constantly reminded that he wasn't about. We just accepted it was part of life. He did this for most of our child hood. The perk was that we always used to have fabulous 3 week summer holiday trips. When he was about he was present. When he wasn't we got on with normal life.

I have had to stop ds' phone calls from his dad. It was causing way more upset. His behaviour was shocking, like so shocking we had to get multi levels of intervention involved. He sees his dad really regularly, but he is far better with absolutely minimal phone contact. I have to agree with your DH that it probably is better for the dc for you not to call. However, it probably won't be best for you. it gets easier the more you are away, but i expect that this is of little comfort.

I think you have to take the lead from your DH- he's the one with the kids. When I went away I know it upset my kids when I phoned them so it was better if I just didn't. It was hard for me, but didn't "weaken the bond" at all.

I had my niece and nephew for a week in the summer. (mum in hospital). They were fine - absolutely happy and content apart from the one night when mum called. Nephew was asleep but she spoke to niece who became hysterical - worryingly so.

I think this is one of these times when it's not about the parents, it's about what's best for the kids and whoever is looking after them. (and if you don't trust your husband you have a whole set of other problems.)

It needs to be 100% up to the children.

If they want to speak to you, they need to be able to, and it's your DH's job to help them through any upset afterwards (I say this as someone whose DH works away and needs to deal with this).

He can't just place an outright ban on any contact for the entire duration - that's him being selfish.

If your DC want to speak with you, they need to be able to. Likewise, if they're fine without the contact (or daily contact), then you should both go with that, too.

It should be about what they need.

Well i've tried to suggest every three days but he isn't responding. I really, really dislike the fact the his parents are involved, it's disrespectful and the fact that he is choosing what to do. We'd agreed I would be in touch.

I'm now worried that the bond will be damaged and they will remember this as a time there mummy just went away.

I'd agree with PP - how would he feel if he were away for work and you said not to contact.

Your bond with your children will not be damaged, your relationship with your dh and his parents is another matter.

There is something deeply unappealing about a person who just makes a unilateral decision, and then expects their partner to obey. This is 2015, you don't get to behave like that anymore.

Maugrim

Can I try and put your mind at rest about your bond being damaged please. Slightly different scenario, but when I was younger my dad was in the forces and would have to go away for several weeks at a time, even months. Phone calls would be few and far between, if any. It really hasn't affected the bond I have with him, in fact until recently I was very much a daddy's girl, much more so than a mummy's girl. It isn't great, it may take a couple of days for them to settle back down when you get home, but I promise you, their bond with you will not be damaged.

I feel so anxious on your behalf reading this. I really hope that your DH sees sense and at least discusses it with you, instead of just shutting you out. I'd find that kind of decision making hard to forgive.

They used to ban parents having any contact with children in hospitals, because the sadness and distress of the children after contact made them think a clean break was best. Then they did some actual research and discovered the damage if they didn't see them was immense.

That's not the same situation, not remotely - your kids are with loved, familiar people, and not unwell, nor dealing with scary procedures - but the (very limited) similarity is that your kids will be sad you aren't there, and the adult discomfort with seeing that is their issue to deal with. They are making it the children's. They may have the very best of intentions, but they are wrong. The children need to know you are somewhere, and that you love and miss them too, but will be home soon. And they would be best hearing it from you.

It won't affect your bond in the least, though. Please don't think that it might. They may be a bit clingy and they may be a bit challenging when you return, but that's all. And it will wear off.

It's hugely, hugely disrespectful of your husband to make a unilateral decision on whether you Skype with the children, most especially bringing his parents' opinions in as ballast. It is none of their business.

Were you sounding sad or anxious when talking with them at all, or were you upbeat? And does he often "punish" you, or ignore your feelings and opinions?

Sorry, just saw you were upbeat with them.

In that case I don't see he has any excuse. It really isn't a decision he has any right to make on his own, when it concerns your relationship and contact with the kids and you had pre-arranged something entirely different.

All children and families are different. Some children can happily chat away to an absent parent, some find it easier to deal with the absence by not having contact. Whatever makes it easier on the child.

If the husband, as the parent who is caring for the kids at this time, things that it'd be easier for the children not to have contact, I think the OP needs to respect this. The problem here isn't the lack of contact, that's normal and what works for some kids (it's what the child needs, not the adult, which is important).

The problem is that the OP feels that her husband (together with his parents for some reason) is using the kids to punish her and not making a decision based solely on what is in the children's best interest.

If that's the case, then she has far bigger problems than whether she speaks to her children during her two weeks away.

When I was little we used to go and stay with my Dad for holidays several times a year (parents divorced when I was 2). I used to speak to my Mum every day. Sure it used to make me cry afterwards because I missed my Mum, but i would have been absolutely devastated if I hadn't talked to her at all. And to be honest, I would have been confused and wondered why she didn't want to talk to us.
I really disagree with your DH.

But that's you jollyphonics.

Some kids, at some stages, DO find it easier not talking to the absent parent. That was my kids at the same stage as the OP's kids when I used to travel for work. My absences were short - a few days to a week or so - so not sure how it would have been if I were gone longer. But they didn't enjoy speaking to me when I was gone. I missed them terribly and would certainly have preferred them chatting with me but I respected that this was their coping mechanism.

The OP's DH is not necessarily in the wrong here just because he asked for no contact while OP is away.

Sorry, but yes he is. He is deciding something unilaterally.

If the children want to speak with their mother, they need to be able to. He doesn't just get to decide/veto.

A different perspective
My DH used to travel a lot and he didn't used to speak to our kids as it was disruptive (it was always the wrong time )and the kids didn't really know what to say. Instead I might take a snap of them during the day and send it to him. The kids all love their DF very much and they have a great relationship but they didn't miss him as it was only for a week or so at a time. They certainly never loved him any less than they loved me. 'Dad' travelling was normal for them. They are adults now and I don't think it's ever effected them.

DH did used to miss them though. We would speak on the phone almost every day but only quick calls. We would catch up when he got home. He also didn't buy the kids gifts which was good as they never expected them.

And that's a great example of you catering perfectly to your DCs' needs, ICant - something the OP's DH isn't.

Him not responding and thinking he can over rule you and his parents thinking they get a say are unreasonable things.
Yes short term the kids may be upset and I think daily is disruptive. Every 3 days reassures them you are still there though.
I would have major concerns about the relationship if my husband had ever been that controlling about phone calls.
Kids can get overly emotional on phone calls to parents though especially mothers and I'd avoid phoning late at night when they're tired and getting ready for bed.

Your DH isn't responding to you? Wow. Why are you putting up with him treating you like this?

I think the fact that he is at his parents is the key. Are they very old fashioned/sexist and disapprove of you being away with work?

Presumably you are earning a living by doing this, in which case your family should be supporting you, not ignoring you and laying on a guilt trip.

Are they maybe making your DCs upset about this?

Absolutely agree with you that I think that you are somehow being "punished" for being away. It is absolutely nothing to do with his parents either. Agree with others who think that you should phone and not Skype.