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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Told not to contact while away

180 replies

Nanodust · 08/11/2015 19:35

I'm currently away on business. This is the first time I've ever been away my DCs are 3 and 4. I will be away for 12 days
As you can imagine I will miss them a lot. I Skyped last night to say i had arrived safely and to say hello. My DH was at his parents so skyped there.
The conversation on lasted about 5 mins.
I've now been told by my DH that because my DS were sad and down after that he and his parents think it is best that I don't contact again and just see them when I return.
I feel very sad about this. I could understand a compromise, say once every 3 or 4 days, but not at all seems very harsh to me.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 08/11/2015 23:21

I smell a rat
He's punishing you for going away
This is not on. My dad used to go away for work, if mum had withheld calls and I didn't know he didn't know he wanted to talk to me, that would be so wrong
I don't like this one bit
When you get back, what will you tell them? You will have to tell them you wanted to talk or what will they think?

Nanodust · 08/11/2015 23:34

Thank you for your very open experiences. He went to bed early and as I'm on the other side of the world he said he couldn't wait for me to get back to him so I've asked to get in touch with him Monday afternoon.

He has put across in a way that it is about not upsetting the kids but we didn't agree no contact at all. He's sending nice messages saying have a good time etc, but this is a work trip and th first time I've ever been away.

I miss them x

OP posts:
Pobspits · 08/11/2015 23:48

Don't let him dictate to you.

However, Dh regularly goes away with work and the last time was for 2 weeks and he was pretty much uncontactable due to remoteness. Kids weren't overly bothered tbh and mainly just cared what present he'd bring them back

Don't catastrophise. It's 12 days that's all.

Jux · 08/11/2015 23:56

DH used to go away a lot. He phoned home every evening to say goodnight.

I wonder how your dh and his parents are presenting this to the children? Are they saying that it's sad you're away and how much they must be missing you etc?

Morsecode · 08/11/2015 23:56

This reads very much like keeping you on a leash from half way round the world. You shouldn't have to beg to speak to your own children - please don't, it's only 12 days and the children will still love you as much. I would suggest you use this time alone to reflect on how to regain control if there are indeed issues of control in your life.

DontMindMe1 · 09/11/2015 00:41

i think he's being a selfish arse and underhand. i think he's
a) punishing you for going away - whether that's due to old fashioned thinking or cos he resents being left in sole charge of them. How often has he looked after them for an extended period of time on his own? Even now he's got his parents in the thick of it so he's not actually handling it all by himself - like you do.
b) Resentful of your bond and thinks he can change that by force
c) Doesn't want to deal with the harder aspects of parenting so is choosing an easier route for himself

This is the first time they have been apart from you - that is a shock to their systems. It is downright CRUEL to deny them regular contact with you. Of course they will cry after speaking to you but that's when he has to step up and deal with it - thereby developing his own close emotional bond with his kids. The regular skype contact will reassure them that you haven't 'disappeared' and that you DO still love them. Trust me - just because they're young doesn't mean they don't feel a sense of abandonment or feel traumatised at the sudden 'desertion/change'.

They always ask for me and want me, he's often upset at that. I don't encourage it but it's just what they do
Being able to see and speak to you regularly without you physically being in the room will help dealing with this in the long run.

Djelibeyb · 09/11/2015 00:44

Mine were much worse when I called whilst away and it was DH who had to deal. He aquired at least 1 extra child in his bed each night.

Thymeout · 09/11/2015 07:08

This honestly is not about you. There is a lot in your posts about how bad you feel - fear of flying, first trip away, feeling as if you were being punished, how much you miss them.

Your DH is on the spot. He saw how upset the dcs were by the call. You have to leave it to him to decide what is best for them at the moment. Just as you would, if it were the other way round.

I doubt whether his parents were involved in his decision. You argued with him about it and he is citing them as witnesses to what happened.

It seems harsh to you because you want to speak to them. But your feelings don't take priority here. Focus on what is best for your dcs.

wannaBe · 09/11/2015 07:53

This all sounds very dramatic and is IMO being fuelled by the fact that you are currently not in a good place yourself. And is also not being helped by posters claiming this is about control/keeping you on a leash etc - don't be so ridiculous.

Ultimately, this is the first time you have been away from the dc, so their reaction to talking to you couldn't have been predicted. Now they've spoken to you and are upset, and as such he feels that it is in their best interests not to talk to you while you're away because it upsets them more to talk to you than not to, iyswim.

My dad used to go away for work for three months at a time when I was little. Moreover, he got stuck in Saudi for nine months because someone in the company he was working for was murdered and everyone was prevented from leaving the country. Even then we only got to speak to him every couple of weeks or so because it just wasn't possible to talk to him. added to that, I was at boarding school from the age of five and even then only got to talk to my parents once or twice a week. Different children cope differently, but IME the notion of children breaking their bond over a couple of weeks away is more to do with the parent's feelings than the children's. If the children are secure and happy they will be fine.

dontcallmecis · 09/11/2015 08:01

As an aside...what is this thing about protecting kids from every. little. upset. they might experience in life? It's not healthy.

He's being an idiot.

BrendaandEddie · 09/11/2015 08:04

I wouldn't Skype. I'd just phone h.

molyholy · 09/11/2015 08:22

I totally agree with everything Don'tmindme said. He is being mean because he can. He doesn't really want you to have a nice time. He sounds resentful.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 09/11/2015 08:23

As long as you go home with most of the contents of the hotel bathroom, eye mask from the place, duty-free chocolate and a bit of tat, your bond will not be broken at all. Small children are so easily bribed!

FWIW my 3yo does not get at all upset by Skype/phone calls. Neither did my 6yo. However, phone calls are easier - the absent parent wants full eye contact, the child can rarely manage to pay attention. At least with a phone call the absent parent doesn't see the present parent trailing the DC holding out the phone and frantically making gestures. I usually get the DC to draw/make something, then send a photo of that, so that DH then calls with something specific to say that I know the DC will be interested in. They can't remember what they had for dinner 5 mins before, let alone anything interesting they've done over the past three days. If you do talk, don't ask them for details of what they've done. It gets them flustered. Tell them silly things you've seen instead, or ask them to sing you a song, and don't push it if all you get in response is 'uh', 'mm', 'daddy can we have chocolate now?'... If you're feeling insecure and worried, they're going to pick up on that and will, in turn, be upset by the pressure.

I do think your DH has to accept some responsibility here - he can't unanimously decide that no contact is the way forward to avoid short-term upset, he needs to think about what he can/should do to avoid longer-term upset. If he simply doesn't mention you, and they don't hear from you, for two weeks (a long time in their lives) what are they going to think/fear? He needs to make a countdown calendar with them or something, and prepare them for phone calls. He's being lazy. And his parents need to butt out, FA to do with them.

GnomeDePlume · 09/11/2015 08:28

Maugrim you said that this is your first trip away. It doesnt matter what you agreed up front. You and your DH are now dealing with the reality.

It is interesting that the posters who have actually experienced this type of scenario seem to be far less definite that your DH is wrong.

I think that this situation can actually be counter-intuitive. Your intuition say 'contact' but that is not necessarily right.

When my DCS were small I was away quite a lot for a few days up to a couple of weeks. These were never easy trips but we got through them by focusing on what actually worked rather than what we thought should work but didnt.

Something else my DH actively discouraged me from doing was bringing back gifts for the DCs unless they were souvenirs of the places I was visiting. This way the DCs got to learn something about my trip and didnt see my return as the coming of Santa Wink.

Remember with small children that the concept of 'soon' is very different from an adult's. Tell a small child that they will be seeing someone soon then they may well think that they will be seeing them within the next hour.

For myself, I hated being away. The way I dealt with it was by not getting into countdown mode. Just a steady head-down trudge.

When I got home I found the DCs reaction interesting. My initial arrival would be met with a kind of collective shrug. Then I would go out to put something in the bin and my return would be something like Lassie come home.

Children have their own ways of dealing with things!

YellowDinosaur · 09/11/2015 08:57

Skim read thread (read all op posts though) app sorry if I've missed something.

I went away for a fortnight when my boys were 2 and 4. We skyped every night and dh said after the initial upset it made it a lot easier for the boys. Rather than having a sit down chat kind of thing, I was on the screen for 10 /15 mins or so while they played and brought stuff to show me. As though I was just there in the room briefly which took the pressure off a bit. When dh and I chatted he said they hardly seemed to miss me after the initial couple of days and he felt that the regular non pressured chats were a big part of helping that.

I did work part time, including weekend shifts, so they were used to being without me for periods of time, which might have made it easier - presume this is also the case for you though as your trip is work related.

I personally think you need to be prepared to listen to what your dh says about how the kids are affected, but that it seems a bit ridiculous to be making that judgement after just one call! It will probably get easier for them with time. Perhaps try a slightly less pressured approach.

YellowDinosaur · 09/11/2015 09:01

And actually I think every day makes it less pressured. Do it at a time when you'd normally be about, so first thing in the morning or just before tea for example, chat about what they're up to rather than what you're up to (unless they ask) kind of like you'd do if you were there. Male it matter of fact and routine rather than a big deal. I think this is worth a go for a few days. If they're then still getting upset then it would be reasonable to listen to your dh about restricting contact.

RhiWrites · 09/11/2015 09:04

I think he's being selfish in not managing their missing you in a sensible way. "Elen more sleeps until mummy is home, won't she be pleased to see your lovely picture and don't forget you can Skype her tonight."

Honestly, he sounds very limited in his parenting skills.

RhiWrites · 09/11/2015 09:05

*eleven not 'Elen'

stoppingbywoods · 09/11/2015 09:12

I feel that even if it upsets the kids, it's actually better for them psychologically to know that you are still present in their lives. You want to stay away from the idea of a parent who disappears and then reappears after a long gap. I speak as someone who had a parent often absent with work. Feeling upset after talking is natural but it's not a negative thing really. Your children are going to miss you and need to be able to express that and also to be reassured by you that you haven't forgotten them and plan to return.

stoppingbywoods · 09/11/2015 09:19

Just reiterating: just because your dh is not seeing the children upset (at other tubes) doesn't mean they're not processing your absence. When my dad was away, I used to find his picture and have a little weep. It was necessary. A Skype call would have been a better way to do that, and having the other parent create a space for those feelings would also have helped, rather than having a parent who didn't want me to be sad about it. I suspect your dh doesn't know very much about how children actually work.

FragileBrittleStar · 09/11/2015 09:20

I go away a lot on business and I try and speak to DS (5) everyday - doesn't seem to upset him but he doesn't always come to the phone (sometimes he's busy other times I think he is just making a point) - he loved facetime. DS is used to speaking to me on the phone generally though- I try and call him if I am at work and he is at home anyway (eg not during a trip)
Your DH may be trying to protect them but the involvement of his parents makes me uncomfortable - I am projecting but it feels like an undercurrent of implying REAL mothers shouldn't be away...
Are you likely to go away again ? - I tried to make my trips fun for ds- leaving him little notes to find or games to play so he'd want to tell me about them - I also (and I keep trying to stop) do always get him something - generally little when I get back.

stoppingbywoods · 09/11/2015 09:20

Other times not tubes lol

yomellamoHelly · 09/11/2015 09:32

This is the kind of thing my parents would (and did) do to me as a child. It's left its mark, though I'm obviously a functioning person. Would never do it to my own dc as a result.
I also think your children will ask you when you get back why you didn't speak to them. (Mine would have at that age.) This approach would have made mine quite anxious (but I am always there / do everything for them).
Don't sugar-coat the truth when you get back and they ask. They need to know who is responsible for this situation imo.

00100001 · 09/11/2015 09:46

Don't sugar-coat the truth when you get back and they ask. They need to know who is responsible for this situation imo.

Niiiiice way to go for "united front" parenting there.... Hmm

"Mummy, Why didn't you phone us?"
"Well, DADDY refused to let em, I would have, but DAD wouldn't let me, Isn't he horrible?"

Furiosa · 09/11/2015 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.