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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel dd's birthday tomorrow?

102 replies

AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 03:16

Because she has just woken up. Again.

She is 3 tomorrow and for the last year or so has started to wake up more and more during the night. Obviously I don't mind this when she is poorly or needs the toilet etc but she is waking for no apparent reason. We then have to perform some ridiculously longwinded ritual of ''goodnight, sleeptight''... only for her to shout us again with something else.

I am 30 weeks pregnant, tired beyond belief (it hasn't been an easy pregnancy) and I am desperate.

She is a very bright child, with an excellent comprehension of language etc and I am confident that she would understand if this were explained to her.

Am I just lashing out (because I am so frigging tired and angry right now) or is this a reasonable thing to do?

OP posts:
poocatcherchampion · 05/11/2015 03:20

Yabu of course.

But i don't actually understand whatvyou mean. Cancel a party? Does it sound credible to say to guests - the party is off because dd woke up in the night?

How are you dealing with the wake ups?

Just because she asks for something doesn't mean you have to give it
You are in charge. Say no to the rhyme or repeated trips to the loo.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 05/11/2015 03:22

YABU...she is 3. It's still her birthday whether you "cancel" it or not and you cannot do that to a child who's barely out of toddler-years.

Senpai · 05/11/2015 03:23

You already know it's unreasonable to cancel a 3 year old's birthday while they are going to be undergoing a huge change in a few weeks with a new sibling.

She didn't choose to have a pregnant mother, you made that choice. It isn't fair to take it out on her.

If you're tired though, do something low key. You don't need a party (unless it was promised), go to the zoo or something.

That last thing you want is for her to feel replaced and pushed to the side by having no birthday or day for her right before a new baby who will be getting most of the attention anyway because...

  1. It's cruel.
  2. She might act up even more and wake up with the baby at night.
Original poster
AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 03:24

Her party is not until the weekend; tomorrow was just for the three of us (dd, dh and myself) to spend together - just unwrapping presents, going out for lunch/to soft play. That sort of thing.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 05/11/2015 03:27

If she knows she's meant to be going to softplay then yabu....but I must give you some advice.

In future when your DD's birthday falls on a day which is not the same as the party, keep the actual bday simple! Cake for tea and some decorations and gifts. Lunch out and softplay is too much when she's already got a party.

hebihebi · 05/11/2015 03:35

I'd send your DH and DD to soft play while you have a nap. Then have cake and presents when they get home. Pregnant with a toddler is a killer.

VashtaNerada · 05/11/2015 03:35

Tiredness in pregnancy is horrible especially with an older child waking at night! It will get easier Flowers

Bakeoffcake · 05/11/2015 03:43

Of course you can't cancel her birthday. Can DH take her to soft play on her own while you get some sleep?

And I'd also be repeating all day long that as she is now a "big girl" and three years old she won't wake you up in the night anymore. it's worth a try

Seriously though have you tried the usual things like a sticker chart/ putting her straight back to bed without speaking to her etc?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/11/2015 03:53

No you can't. What a horrible thought. She's not waking up on purpose or to spite you.

Original poster
AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 03:59

We've tried talking to her about it and she does seem to understand because she will sometimes comment that she did/didn't wake up the previous night.

As for dh, he wouldn't take her to softplay on his own. Don't get me wrong, he is a very hands-on dad in other ways and does help put a lot but any outings and treats are always left for me to arrange. Tbh, I am sick of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 04:00

help *out a lot

OP posts:
YokoUhOh · 05/11/2015 04:01

DS is 3 on Tuesday and woke up at 3. I had to read books for an hour, now he's watching Tiny Pop. He just doesn't seem to need sleep :(

hebihebi · 05/11/2015 04:08

Don't be ridiculous. Of course he can take her to soft play on his own. Don't be a martyr! My DD is four and still wakes in the night sometimes. I just hand her my phone to watch YouTube videos while I sleep. I think you are overthinking all this.

hebihebi · 05/11/2015 04:10

I do mean that kindly by the way. You will have a baby and a small child soon. You will have to be flexible otherwise you'll burn yourself out.

Original poster
AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 04:13

I would love for him to take her. He just doesn't. Her grandparents are the same. If it weren't for me she would rarely leave the house. I am not being a martyr. I would happily let someone take her out for a few hours to something other than their house or to the shops

OP posts:
amarmai · 05/11/2015 04:17

have you tried stickers on a chart for easy steps towards your goal . Give the reward after 3 stickers -so she actually can win.. It wd be worth so much to you if you can get her to stay in bed before the baby is there to wake you up too. Also dh is going to need to kick it up a notch as you cant be expected to be awake night and day with the new baby and the toddler. Time to talk to him !

treaclesoda · 05/11/2015 04:19

Do you mean he would just never think to himself 'oh, I'll take her to soft play' or do you mean he would refuse outright if you asked him?

If you explained how exhausted you are, and he is generally a decent partner, would he not be happy to give you a rest?

BBQueen · 05/11/2015 04:22

At around 3, we introduced a marble jar as a reward system for going to bed nicely and staying in bed all night. It worked amazingly well, and is still going strong now at age 4. The key for us was to fill it really quickly the first time (by sneaking in extra marbles), so that within a few days DD was able to choose a new toy. This meant she really understood what it was all about and didn't get bored of trying too quickly.

Original poster
AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 04:35

He just wouldn't volunteer, but would happily tag along if I made the decision to go. it's frustrating and I do fear that, once the new baby is here, dd will miss out on going to places because of this.

Thank you for the reward charts and jars advice - they sound like something I should try.

I know IABU and it's very unlikely that I would totally cancel her birthday. I was (and still am) so angry about the situation. I find it hard to stay calm when she wakes and cannot switch off and go to sleep again (hence being on mn for the last hour or so) Dh does help with the night wakings but he can just nod off straight way again (resentful emoticon) and obviously isn't as tired as I am because he is healthy and isn't 30 weeks pregnant.

I feel like such a horrible person for talking about her like this as she is, on the whole, a very good girl. I just cannot function on 2-3 hours sleep a night.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 05/11/2015 04:47

I know you are frustrated and tired but on the other hand, don't lose sight of the fact that children don't need outings and soft play etc. I mean, yes, they enjoy them but it is only in the very recent past that it became the norm to do outings and activities on a regular basis.

As long as they have your love and attention, you are interested in them, and they get outside/exercise of some sort, to play with friends when they are older, they won't miss out on anything important.

Hope you get a rest soon. Flowers

RitaConnors · 05/11/2015 04:49

So he wouldn't volunteer, but if you said to him you need to sleep and recover and he can take her then that's different.

You are going to have a difficult time with two dc if your dh won't leave the house with them. When my dc's were little we emigrated somewhere we had nobody. My dh worked long hours so it was just me and the dc all of the time. I had to take them everywhere I went from getting milk to having a smear test. It's very stifling. I really think you need to end this pattern and now is a good time.

ChocolateJam · 05/11/2015 04:55

OP it sounds as if you and your husband both buy into that story where the mother is the primary caregiver and as such the only most responsible parent who must be grateful for whatever "help" the other one gives. That's bull and your DH must step up and be a parent, not a helper.

hebihebi · 05/11/2015 04:55

Why don't you try asking him tomorrow? Just say that you're really tired and to please take DD to soft play for a couple of hours. They'll be fine. They can have lunch there together.

Our local park is pretty much all dads on a Sunday morning. Obviously been kicked out by mum for an hour.

My husband also was a bit clueless about taking the kids out but he's used to it now and they have fun. I think a little dad-time is good for them.

TiddlesUpATree · 05/11/2015 05:22

We had this exact issue with our 3 year old at the end of my pregnancy. Baby is 4 months now. We explained clearly before he went to bed that if he wakes in the night he would need to go back to sleep. When he woke dh quickly checked that he didn't want the loo with minimal talking. And kept repeating back to bed please. Then left him to cry. It was painful for a couple of nights but he got it pretty quickly.
Good luck.

Being pregnant with a toddler is brutal. Xx

Cliffdiver · 05/11/2015 05:31

Google 'Gro Clock' - your DD is the perfect age for one.

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