To cancel dd's birthday tomorrow?

[AutumnDaze]

Because she has just woken up. Again.

She is 3 tomorrow and for the last year or so has started to wake up more and more during the night. Obviously I don't mind this when she is poorly or needs the toilet etc but she is waking for no apparent reason. We then have to perform some ridiculously longwinded ritual of ''goodnight, sleeptight''... only for her to shout us again with something else.

I am 30 weeks pregnant, tired beyond belief (it hasn't been an easy pregnancy) and I am desperate.

She is a very bright child, with an excellent comprehension of language etc and I am confident that she would understand if this were explained to her.

Am I just lashing out (because I am so frigging tired and angry right now) or is this a reasonable thing to do?

I think YABU to cancel a 3yr olds birthday but I think you know that really.

Lack of sleep is a killer and I do have every sympathy for you. But I think you need to consider what you want your DD to do in the night. She isn't waking on purpose - I assume she isn't setting an alarm to piss you off ;) - so what do you want her to do when she wakes? Is she able to self settle?

Children can't just decide to sleep through the night to get a sticker. They can choose not to wake you when they wake up, but tread carefully because there are many situations you would want her to wake you so it isn't a simple situation.

I wake up several times a night. Sometimes I go back to sleep, sometimes I have had a horrible dream and I need reassurance from DH, sometimes I need a drink of water. If I were 3, I would need to wake someone probably most nights. Thankfully I can sort myself out.

It is worth addressing why she is waking and accepting that at the moment she does wake up, but addressing what you want her to do when she wakes, and then teaching her the skills she needs. A special toy to hug, a cup of water by the bed, a book to look at.

And tell your DH to sort it out and take her to soft play!! You are growing a person, you need rest. He needs to be a dad!!

Hope you all have a reasonable day xx

Two issues here:

First: your dd. She's 3. Three. THREE. She's tiny. She needs you, needs security and continuity. She needs to be 'indulged'. I can't help feeling there's a bit of a punitive attitude here towards entirely normal but inconvenient-for-adults behaviour of small children. I will probably be flamed alive for this, but can you have her in your bed for a while? Her on one side of you (or, better, the other side of dh), your baby's cot on the other? If you don't want to go for that, then you need to change the bedtim rigmarole, but in the evening - establish with her a new, shorter routine, so that you can get her back to bed more quickly at night. She needs to be able to call out at night and know someone is there, but it's fine to modify things, in a non-upsetting way, so it works better for you.
It goes without saying that you can't cancel her birthday. She'll never understand (however intelligent she is, she's three) and will only be confused and very hurt. And such a drastic punishment for something she can't help (they can't, at this age) is cruel.

Second: your dh. He's a twat. He needs to pull himself together - doing his share of looking after your dd, giving her good experiences and variety (in outings etc), is not optional for him, just like it isn't for you. It should probably give you pause for thought that you are expecting your dd to show maturity beyond her years in her night-time behaviour while your dh lets himself off the most elementary hooks - indeed you are expecting this of your dd indirectly because your dh is not stepping up. He, not she, is the one here who shouldn't be indulged.

I'm the one who lets my daughter watch YouTube. I encouraged her to give up her nap when she was around 2.5/3 because her bedtime was getting later and later no matter how short a nap she was taking she wasn't getting to sleep at night until 11pm and it was a nightmare as she was tired in the morning and I wasn't getting any downtime in the evenings. If I kept her awake until after 6pm then she would usually sleep through and wake up naturally at 7am. Perfect!

However, some nights she would randomly wake up at 1am and no matter what I tried she wouldn't get back to sleep until around 4am. As she was wide awake and I was half asleep it was much easier to let her watch some YouTube on my phone while she lies next to me. After a while she would get sleepy and fall asleep again. The nights when she wakes are pretty rare now. It's just something she needs to grow out of I think. I actually find it a little odd to talk about rewards/punishments for not waking in the night. I really don't see how they can control it. I do appreciate some kids will go back to sleep again pretty quickly if you keep things dark/quiet but my daughter was never like that. It's always around 3 hours until she sleeps again. I think you sometimes you just have to do whatever you can for your own sanity. For what it's worth if my son wakes in the night I just give him a cuddle and he goes straight off to sleep, the toddler too but my middle daughter is different.

Anyway, I hope your daughter has a nice birthday OP and you can get some rest soon.

You can't cancel her birthday, just because you're tired or she woke up in the night. Kids wake up. That's life. This will pass. I know it's hard, but we've all been thru it. If you cancel you'll never forgive yourself.

I would also try her in bed with me tbh, if it wasn't to uncomfortable. Your DH should also be helping at least doing all the get ups half the nights. So you are both getting uninterrupted sleep some nights.

Have you tried a star chart? So for every undisturbed night she gets a star, then a treat when she gets 5?

*"...I must give you some advice.

In future when your DD's birthday falls on a day which is not the same as the party, keep the actual bday simple! Cake for tea and some decorations and gifts. Lunch out and softplay is too much when she's already got a party."*

Patronising, much?

OP, I agree with all the good advice given so far - be empathetic but firm at helping your daughter to learn to sleep through the night, and don't have any more of this nonsense where you are the only one who takes her to fun places and sometimes her father generously helps you out with something at home. It's not helping, it's parenting, and changes are in order before your DC2 arrives, otherwise you're at considerable risk of breaking. And that'd be no good for any of you, would it.

Your DH doesn't have to take her to the hell that is soft play (I'd rather poke hot needles in my eyes than go voluntarily to one) - they aren't that much fun for a 3yr old kid on their own anyway are they?

There are a plethora of other ways to keep a child entertained though - at that age mine found a trip to B&Q exciting (weird kids), loved going to the library to pick books, visiting grandma for a couple of hours (sounds like you have grandparents close by?), scooting anywhere at all.

Nothing that needs 'performance parenting' or interaction with other people or children!

Autumn although my pfb was only 2 when DC2 was born she was just the same - we had also only just moved house (and country, and language...)

She was very precocious and articulate at 24 months (in fact at 22 months, when I was 7 months pregnant, I remember a conversation in which she asked whether I could please take the baby out of my tummy just for a bit for her to cuddle, and then put him back in, and I had to explain to her why that wouldn't work. In fact I was so bamboozled by her full grammatically correct sentences that I probably over estimated her understanding massively.

She was walking a lot in the 3 months before DC2 was born - every couple of hours. I felt so guilty about a huge home move and a new sibling at the same time that I did nothing to stop it and was very indulgent.

I just wanted to say that although she seemed happy about the prospect of gaining a sibling she must have been worried too on some level.

Once he was born and home she just stopped night waking - I think being able to stop imagining what it would be like to have a sibling living the reality was an enormous relief, and she relaxed and stopped all the night waking all by herself.

Story of hope really - despite terrible sleep from toddler in my 3rd semester they never both woke together except when ill, and DC2 was a good sleeper - I actually got better and more sleep when DC2 was newborn than when I was pregnant with a 2 year old.

*waking not walking

YABVU with regards to being cross with a 3 year old for waking up and considering cancelling her birthday.

But I have jothing but sympathy for you re being pregnant and only getting 2-3 hours of sleep

Your husband needs to step up and handle the night time interruptions and he needs to give you a break. Good luck.

argh trimester not semester - bloody kids, now there are 3 of them and I blame them for distracting me! :o

Ive seen it said on here before, you dont so much have a 3 year old problem as a dh problem. You are pregnant he should be stepping up and taking the lead on the night waking, she may actually settle better for him. I doubt he is actually incapable of planning outings and managing dd alone, he is leaving you to do it because its easier for him, and really being lazy in his parenting. You need him to engage more before you are waking with a baby, and what about if youre recovering from a c-section or difficult birth? Post birth my dh became the primary parent for older dc as i was recovering and couldnt get about and he couldnt breastfeed. It was a godsend for me and because he puts a lot in he and older dc have a brilliantly close relationship. So, by all means be exhausted and furious, but make sure you direct your anger where it should be - towards dh.

Firstly, lots of sympathy for the exhaustion you're feeling at the moment. I have an almost 3 year old and a baby and if I had a pound for every time the ipad/cbeebies had babysat over the last year I'd be getting my butler to type this for me. It does sound like a full and frank discussion is needed with your DH about your roles and what you need from him as this doesn't seem sustainable when your baby arrives. Our toddler still wakes at night too-my partner deals with that so I can deal with the baby's waking, or I would be a wreck by now, for example. Ideally one of use would be getting a good night's sleep but we both decided to have a second child so we both have to muck in. I hope that's of some use and you get some sleep soon.

Oh bloody hell, I feel for you. Nobody cares for your needs.

Just pack your dh off to softplay!

Say "I am knackered, you are soon going to be the father of TWO, time you learn to parent and take charge of your child a bit, dd keeps me awake every night, I am pregnant and need some rest."

My late wife and I were not blessed with children but if God had chosen us for that proud role I would like to think we would not have punished a three year old for waking up at night

Yabu to cancel her b day. She is still a toddler with no real understanding. I don't think you really mean to do this though.

Personally all I would do is get dh to do the night waking, or the bulk of it. Insist. I wouldn't want to miss the b day day out, I would want him to take over the rubbishy nights to give you some energy to be with DD in the daytimes.

Happy birthday to your DD! I'm sure as soon as she wakes in the morning all excited you will realise YABU. 3am thoughts are usually unreasonable

Your DH, however, is BVVU. I cannot abide men who think the existence of a penis magically exempts them from looking after their own children. This is a ridiculous situation. Do you realise how ridiculous as you sound like you've accepted it (especially having a second child!) He needs to start having DD on his own right now otherwise there will be problems when the new baby arrives. Today is a perfect opportunity for a special birthday father/daughter outing. He should be actively offering not dragging his heels.
How is he as a DH and father generally?

Re the sleep thing, you've had some good advice here and as your DD grows up this will get better.
Your DH also needs to grow up. I feel angry on your behalf.

I hope you all have a good day and that you get some rest!

Another recommendation for gro clock. Not an over night fix, but it might help you strengthen the message about night time. I got one for my DD quite young and it worked well. Also, I have given her my teddy for reassurance when she seemed anxious.

If she wakes and is not distressed I offer only water as she often starts with water, then milk, then Medicine,, then food, then downstairs, then TV etc... Escalating demands :)

I agree with telling your dh what you need. He could do anything with her that gives you a break.

I hope you day gets better

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth you wake your husband up if you have a bad dream?

OP it's all been said, the long winded stuff during the night has to stop man, you won't have the patience for it when your new baby is here and your husband needs to start doing things out the house alone with his bairn. He may need a shove into it but it's time.

I did sticker chart with my 4 year old and it worked a treat. We did 7 starss for a treat but at 3 you might want to stick to 4.

If that doesn't work dh should do the night time wakings from now on to give you a rest.

If he doesn't want to, he can move into your dds bed and then you can co-sleep but you'll have to train her out of this later on at some point.

Dh should take your dd to softplay today for at least 3 hours (play, lunch, off to the shops after) so you can have a big sleep. Just ask him. If he refuses, call your mum and ask her - tell her he's refused and maybe she can talk some sense into him!!!

You'll get there.

I second the grow clock suggestion, I got one for DD1 when she was a similar age and it worked like a dream

They are a bit cheaper on Amazon than in the shops I think, but a good investment anyway. DD still has hers as it's easy to glance at in the dark and know without having to squint to read the time whether it's before or after 7.

My 5 year old can still be like this and has been since 2, I have tried everything. But she wakes at night and then is lonely and wants to talk to mummy... I'm 38wks pregnant and have been considerably less sympathetic over the last few months as I'm so tired myself, it is hard.

The most effective path for us that seems to have improved things is to go for a mixture of things - mostly reward based but with the odd 'punative' thrown in to re enforce the message.

Firstly I make sure that as much as possible she can manage her own night issues. So a drink of fresh water by the bed, a grow clock she understands and can reset herself if we have a power outage (rural area), a night light on the way to the loo plus a bedside light she can reach.

Then clear understanding of The Rules. Ie mummy needs to sleep, only wake mummy if you are poorly ie sick or your bed is wet. Mummy will be cross if you wake her for a silly reason so think before you call out etc

Then lots of stress on Big Girls not waking mummies and emphasis on something special that is only for big girls. For my DD I allow her to watch the Simpsons with me before bed although that might not be suitable for age 3. But this privilege can be revoked if she is waking mummy like a baby in the night.

If it is the weekend and she has been particularly naughty about waking, I might insist that she has a short afternoon nap (which she hates) as a consequence. I would have a lie down as well and tell her it is because I am tired from being woken up.

But the most important thing is the sticker chart. We make these ourselves. We have had a picture of her in bed with dream clouds to put stickers in, a Queen of sleeping' crown with Jewel stickers to put in the points, a 'sleeping cake' where she gets to light the candles with stickers... Anything we can think of. The prize is a 'my little pony grab bag' [boak] and the ponies live by her bed to remind her of her good sleeping. Because it is all so personal she gets really caught up in the challenge of collecting the stickers and winning the ponies.

She definitely goes through phases of night waking and we had awful problems when she first became a free reader as she would wake up in the night and read for hours - didn't wake me but was shattered for school - I felt it was about giving her the tools to manage her waking on her own and not just lie in bed feeling lonely and getting crosser and crosser at the unfairness of it before eventually calling me. I think some children are more wakeful at night and this is something I have had to support my daughter in managing without disturbing me, I am anticipating a big step back when baby arrives but hopefully the work we've done over the pregnancy has given her a platform to manage it herself.

Massive sympathies to you - obviously don't cancel birthday, but I know how cross it can make you feel. Sorry for essay but maybe some ideas to help? X

Ds wakes up proud he hasn't wet the bed, it doesn't mean he is in control when he does.

It's horrible when a child isn't sleeping, but to get angry and blame them as tempting as it is isn't going to help and actually getting angry is probably just likely to wind them up and keep them awake longer.

Hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow.