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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel dd's birthday tomorrow?

102 replies

AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 03:16

Because she has just woken up. Again.

She is 3 tomorrow and for the last year or so has started to wake up more and more during the night. Obviously I don't mind this when she is poorly or needs the toilet etc but she is waking for no apparent reason. We then have to perform some ridiculously longwinded ritual of ''goodnight, sleeptight''... only for her to shout us again with something else.

I am 30 weeks pregnant, tired beyond belief (it hasn't been an easy pregnancy) and I am desperate.

She is a very bright child, with an excellent comprehension of language etc and I am confident that she would understand if this were explained to her.

Am I just lashing out (because I am so frigging tired and angry right now) or is this a reasonable thing to do?

OP posts:
Senpai · 05/11/2015 05:48

DH doesn't volunteer of his own initiative either. But if I ask him, he'll take DD out for a few hours so I have some time to myself. Most times it's just for errands to get food or chat with some friends. The important thing is I get some head space to myself for a while.

You might have to ask your DH to do it and tell him what you need. If he follows along, it might not occur to him that you don't actually enjoy initiating activities. No one is a mind reader. Now that you have another baby, it's important that you two communicate better.

ReadyPlayerOne · 05/11/2015 06:04
  1. don't engage in the "long winded ritual" of goodnight at 3am. If there is nothing she needs, you can probably assume she wants attention and it's best to keep interactions short at night.
  2. she may be bright, but she's also 3. She's still learning about empathy. My 3 1/2 year old is very loving, but not empathetic.
  3. you definitely need to get your DH to do things just him and DD. My DH takes about my older two so that I can have time just me and dc3 who is 20 weeks. Even if you have to suggest/arrange/organise, hopefully he'll get the idea and start being more proactive and helpful.

(Apologies for brusqueness, I've been awake for hours with the baby)

LavenderDoll · 05/11/2015 06:15

YABU if you cancel her birthday. She's 3 and at that age they sometimes do wake in the night still. Better to research techniques of dealing with it than to cancel her birthday which just seems cruel.

I also find if I'm up with my dc in the night that using the ipad or phone will just make me more awake.

SeaMagic · 05/11/2015 06:27

I don't think it's strange that a 3 year old with a heavily pregnant mother would be waking in the middle of the night and looking for attention.

Her little world is about to change dramatically... it already has as she will be aware that Mummy is more tired, short tempered, uncomfortable, etc.,, and therefore less available to her than she was 30 weeks plus ago.

I am not saying this to cause you upset or be critical, merely pointing that this situation is completely understandable from a 3 year old's point of view.

I agree with PP who suggest that your DH takes DD to soft play, you get some rest and have a lovely afternoon tea when they return.

No need to cancel her birthday celebration, just be flexible and ask for some help with this. You can't do it all and DH has to know this and step up... this will be especially important when you have a 3 year old and a new born!

PenelopeChipShop · 05/11/2015 06:34

I really feel for you, I'm 19 weeks pg and also have a 3 year old and I am utterly knackered even though mine sleeps through 90% of the time - it's the days that do me in. So to have that and not enough sleep as well must be horrendous.

I don't think you really mean it about the birthday! Totally agree with those who said let your DH do the -hell of-- soft play bit, then enjoy a quiet cake and balloons tea at home the three of you. Just ASK him to take her, you don't have to wait for him to volunteer. He will need to do this kind of thing much more anyway once the new baby arrives.

Hugs!

Leelu6 · 05/11/2015 06:35

What bakeoffcake said - put her straight back into bed and do not talk to her. If you engage with her every time she wakes up (even if just talk to her about the problem) she will keep waking up.

Even if she gets up 10 times, do not talk to her, or even make eye contact.

greenfolder · 05/11/2015 06:42

It seems an ideal opportunity for dh to man up and get used to taking her to stuff before baby arrives.
Tell him! I am really knackered and need some down time. Please can you take her to soft play and I'll get cake etc ready.

glenthebattleostrich · 05/11/2015 06:42

Have a look at the magic sleep fairy.

Only thing that worked on my DD and we tried everything. Also, remember its a big upheaval for DD. Mummy has a baby in her tummy and its making Mummy less fun.

Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 06:47

Yabu, but with good reason you are knackered.

Firstly if you want dh to take her out. Don't wait for him to volunteer. Tell him.

As an aside, I also had to laugh at this

In future when your DD's birthday falls on a day which is not the same as the party, keep the actual bday simple! Cake for tea and some decorations and gifts. Lunch out and softplay is too much when she's already got a party.

Who says it's too much? That's a decision for the OP and her dh.

Footle · 05/11/2015 06:48

Did someone just say that if their4 yr old wakes in the night they hand her their phone so she can watch YouTube ? Is this a thing ?

Jenijena · 05/11/2015 06:53

Another 19 week pregnant with a 3 year old. October's sticker chart for sleeping through the night had four stickers. He's not a child who easily gets off to sleep in the middle of the night (although evenings are fine)

You've got to get your husband to parent a bit more.

CarlaJones · 05/11/2015 06:53

Your husband taking your dd to soft play so you can.sleep is the ideal solution.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 05/11/2015 06:54

YABVU. Even if she knows she's waking up, it doesn't mean she's waking up on purpose. If you wake up, you wake up.
I was an awful sleeper as a child and found it difficult to go back to sleep. The middle of the night is a lonely (and sometime scary) place for a child, especially one as young as 3, and maybe the 'long winded ritual' is a way of dealing with not being able to get back to sleep. For some people it's not as simple as 'just go back to sleep'.

Cabrinha · 05/11/2015 07:03

You find it hard to say calm when she wakes.
Yet at 3 you expect her to be able to control HER emotions (wanting her settling routine) when she wakes.
Think about that!

I've had a frequent waker, I'm sympathetic to the zombie lack of sleep. I feel that you may find the rewards useful. But I think you're on a hiding to nothing expecting an explanation and an OTT punishment (cancelling a birthday trip) to work. Just cos she can understand what you say, doesn't mean she can act on it. She's THREE. Just as you understand you should stay calm when she wakes, but you struggle to.

merrymouse · 05/11/2015 07:04

You sound exhausted and sleep deprived.

Your DH doesn't need to volunteer to take your Dd to soft play. Just tell him to get on with it. He needs the address and, as it's his first time alone there, a list of things to bring.

Then you go back to bed.

enderwoman · 05/11/2015 07:06

Gaining a sibling is apparently as stressful as your spouse marrying a second wife/husband.

Even though she's articulate and the adults feel positive about the change, your daughter will feel like things are just not the same (hence waking up and needing extra attention) It's not uncommon for the older sibling to regress when a baby comes along- someone told me not to be shocked if it was 12-18m of regression. My daughter was 3.5 and forgot how to do buttons and more that she'd been doing for months.

I know you're tired and hugs for that. Either postpone the soft play trip or if she doesn't know it's her birthday tomorrow, celebrate on Friday or something. Strange that your h won't take her to softplay alone. Ex takes his laptop and newspaper/book to entertain him while the kids play.

TheGreenNinja · 05/11/2015 07:15

I was in the same situation with a nearly-3 year old who didn't (and hadn't ever) sleep through while heavily pregnant. My DH worked away during the week but at weekends, I went to bed each afternoon and he dealt with his children. He rarely took them out, and soft play was always his idea of hell (also had a 4 year old) but they had loads of fun, were very happy to have daddy to themselves and it just about saved my sanity.
You need to tell your DH you need this, if he doesn't offer. Get into the habit of taking yourself to bed for a nap whenever you can, sleep deprivation is torturous. And definitely stop engaging with your DD at night. Just say 'back to bed' on repeat.

Jinglebells99 · 05/11/2015 07:26

The problem isn't your dd, it's your dh. You need to say to him, I'm really tired, I need to sleep, you need to take her to soft play. And then go to bed! Maybe not on her birthday if you want to go. When I was pregnant with my second, my dh used to take my ds out for a dog walk every morning in one of those back carriers before he went to work, so I could have an hour in bed. My ds was 2 years and 8 months when his sister was born, so a bit younger than your dd. it's really hard for the first few months / years. Your dh needs to pull his weight.

Leelu6 · 05/11/2015 07:30

worldsbiggestgrotbag - that's truly terrible advice. The more you indulge a child with waking up frequently, the worse it will get.

Waking up after a night terror is different, I'm sure OP can tell when her child is scared.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 05/11/2015 07:36

If he doesn't want to take her to soft play then he doesn't have to but could he take her somewhere else?
Local farm, zoo, park, out to grandparents.
Tell him to chose something and get on with it.

happystory · 05/11/2015 07:36

As others have said, your Dh is going to have to get a grip. What's so hard about taking a three year old to the swings and slides? (Am deliberately avoiding soft play, as no sane adult likes that!!) or for a walk to collect some leaves and come home and make a little collage? You need to have a serious chat with him.

Mehitabel6 · 05/11/2015 07:37

I think that you need to be angry with DH more than DD. It sounds as if you became 'senior' parent from day one and simply didn't leave him with the baby- and this has carried on.
Don't make the same mistake with this baby- make him equal parent- he is quite capable of bathing and dressing a baby etc.
There is no reason that he can't take her out alone.
Start leaving him - one Saturday just announce that you are going shopping all day and will be out to lunch and leave him to it.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 05/11/2015 07:37

I'm not saying to indulge her. Where did I say that? I was just giving some perspective on why she might be doing what she does. My way of dealing with DD1's frequent night wakings is to put her back to bed and not engage with her. Doesn't mean I can't have empathy for why she does it, and therefore would never punish her (by cancelling a birthday for example) for waking up in the night.

laundryeverywhere · 05/11/2015 07:40

I agree with the others that now is a good time to get your dh to take dd out. Even if he hasn't before nows a good time to start, she is older now and it will be easier for him than when she was a baby. It will be a nice bonding time too, and I think your DD will enjoy it. If you ask him nicely as you are not feeling well, but don't want DD to miss her birthday treat he will almost certainly say ok. Then that is the start of him feeling confident to take her out by himself.

HSMMaCM · 05/11/2015 07:48

Yabu of course Flowers. If you need sleep today get DH to take her out. I agree with telling her all day (in your proudest voice) that now she's 3 she can stay in her bed and get herself back to sleep. Definitely no long winded rituals or apeaking of any kind. Just a gentle return, a reassuring pat/stroke and back to your own bed.