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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel dd's birthday tomorrow?

102 replies

AutumnDaze · 05/11/2015 03:16

Because she has just woken up. Again.

She is 3 tomorrow and for the last year or so has started to wake up more and more during the night. Obviously I don't mind this when she is poorly or needs the toilet etc but she is waking for no apparent reason. We then have to perform some ridiculously longwinded ritual of ''goodnight, sleeptight''... only for her to shout us again with something else.

I am 30 weeks pregnant, tired beyond belief (it hasn't been an easy pregnancy) and I am desperate.

She is a very bright child, with an excellent comprehension of language etc and I am confident that she would understand if this were explained to her.

Am I just lashing out (because I am so frigging tired and angry right now) or is this a reasonable thing to do?

OP posts:
Bimblywibble · 05/11/2015 09:41

Another vote for a groclock, sympathy for your plight and, with kindness, YABU to change her birthday because of her sleeping pattern.

Your DH maybe needs to have his importance to your DD spelled out to him. In 10 weeks' time there will be times when you physically can't put your DD over the baby. When our 2nd was born our DC1 started waking in the night. I had the baby (BF) and DH did all DC1's wakings. He bought season tickets to a local farm and took DC1 out for little expeditions most weekends - nothing amazing but they had their own little routines and habits. He (and nursery) were constants in her life when the new baby was disrupting things. Now is a really good time for your DH to be doing a bit more with DD, for her own security as well as to support you.

contrary13 · 05/11/2015 10:03

When my DD was about the same age as yours, she also would randomly wake up for no reason... as far as I could work out at the time. But there was a reason.

She was frightened by the shadows on her bedroom wall, and if she half-woke up (say, to turn over) and caught sight of them, she'd be wide awake and crying in fright (she thought they were monsters, because at her nursery they read books to them about monsters under the bed, etc. This was in the late '90s/early '00s, though so hopefully things have changed!)

Maybe something in your DD's room is frightening or unsettling her? Perhaps she's regressing slightly because you're pregnant and she knows she's not going to be your only priority when that baby's born? I know three year olds aren't brilliant at articulating their thoughts, fears, worries... but maybe talk to her? Because if it's something in her bedroom, causing her to be anxious enough to wake up properly if she catches sight of it when she half-wakes (which we all do: it's a primal self-preservation "thing" from when we were hominids, I'm afraid... the average adult wakes up to four times a night - but how many do we remember?), then you can sort that. Like with my DD and the shadows on her wall - we bought her a black out blind and made sure that she was the one who pulled it down at night, so that she was in control of the shadow monsters being banished. If your DD's worried about the baby... and no longer being the baby herself... lots of cuddles and love from you and your DH to reassure her that you're not suddenly going to stop loving her. Because there's a possibility that she does think you're going to replace her with the new baby. You know you're not, I know you're not... but little ones minds work in funny ways, sometimes. She may not know that you're not going to suddenly stop loving her.

Personally, I'd not be 3 again. It's a scary time. You're still little... but you're not a baby anymore, and you start to realise that the world can be a frightening place. OP, I honestly think that this situation can be easily sorted, if you can figure out what it is that's frightening her, or making her anxious enough to wake up during the night and show her that it's not so scary and can be solved with cuddles and possibly a black out blind...

Good luck and Flowers for you.

Meandyou150 · 05/11/2015 10:41

Sorry but your DH sounds like a twat

GruntledOne · 05/11/2015 11:55

OP, tell your DH that today is the day he learns the invaluable skill of taking his daughter out all by himself. Don't wait for him to volunteer.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/11/2015 12:02

Yabvvvvvu. You can't cancel her birthday. What are thinking of. Shes a three year old baby FGS. If you do cancel trust me she will never forget it.
Also it doesn't matter how intelligent she is. No child would ever be "okay and understanding about cancelling their party.

5Foot5 · 05/11/2015 13:29

This might be a silly question but are you in the UK?

Because if you are, and if you are as tired as you say you are, why have you been on Mumsnet from 3am instead of trying to catch up on some of those lost zzzz?

If you are in a different timezone then ignore me - as you were.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 05/11/2015 13:43

5foot5 I think OP was up with her daughter. I think she just needed to vent before going back to sleep. I know I do sometimes when DD1 is up in the night!

rageagainsttheBIL · 05/11/2015 13:45

Have you got a spare room?

Suggest you sleep in there with ear plugs and your DH does the night wakings at least 3x per week.

Our DS, same age, wakes every night and either comes into our bed or we go in his. Of course I'd prefer it if he slept through especially before baby arrives but it's not his fault and personally don't feel punishment or reward of any kind is appropriate... I would like to be bribed to going to sleep.

Why is she calling - can't she get herself out of bed to loo? Could you help with this eg night lights and loo all set up for her?

Purplepixiedust · 05/11/2015 14:32

Of course you can't cancel her birthday! Your DH needs to step up and start taking her out. What will happen when you have no2? Often parents of 2 kids take them to separate things. Will he expect you to do it all. You need to tell him that you need some help. No wonder you are knackered but it is making you expect your DD to not act like a 3 year old. At 3 night waking and seeking help from you in getting back to sleep, is not something your little one is doing on purpose and lots of them do it. You could try reward charts or there are clocks with day and night pictures, so you can say try not to wake mummy until the daytime picture is on and if you manage it you get a sticker. So many stickers and you get a prize. We just bought a bigger bed and when DS woke, he got in with us. I realise this isn't for everyone but he was still waking fairly regularly at 3. I seem to recall he started to sleep longer soon after.

Purplepixiedust · 05/11/2015 14:33

Just to add, cancelling a birthday or christmas is a complete no no in my book!

GogoGobo · 05/11/2015 17:31

Yabu. Very.
Just take her into your bed for a bit. And the assertion that she would pretty much stay in for her toddler life of you didn't take get out is bonkers. If she's in the house so much perhaps she's waking because she's not tired! How the hell anyone can think cancelling a party is a reasonable response to a 36 month old waking is beyond me.
I just don't get it.

Bimblywibble · 05/11/2015 17:36

How has her birthday been AutumnDaze? Hope it turned out ok after the difficult night.

imwithspud · 05/11/2015 19:08

YABU to cancel her birthday but I'm sure you knew that already and I don't think you deserve the plastering you got for making that comment as it was probably tongue in cheek more than anything.

I can totally sympathise though. When I was pregnant with dd2 dd1 (who was 2 at the time) went through a stage of waking at 5am EVERY morning. It was exhausting and she was still obviously tired. We tried all sorts of things but the thing that worked right away was a gro-clock.

Things were good for a while but now dd1 (now 3) has started waking again for no apparent reason, sometimes for hours at a time. She now completely ignores her clock but after reading a few of the responses in this thread I now have a few ideas on how to combat that. I definitely agree that indulging it makes the situation worse and minimum interaction helps them settle quicker as I have learnt from previous experience.

I really hope your dh steps up soon. Communication is key especially with another little one on the way.

Tink06 · 06/11/2015 03:41

Yabu for cancelling her birthday. How about lunch together then coming home - you go to bed and let dh play with her and her new toys down stairs. Or how about he takes her for lunch or see his parents? Something he is comfortable with?

I think people are being really harsh on you dh. Mine is a brilliant Dad but would never go to a softplay area.

Ledkr · 06/11/2015 07:47

My 4 yr old woke last night and dh dealt with her.
She has never slept well and is often up fir the day at 5 Shock
Some just aren't great sleepers and that's it.
The only way to cope with it is to share the burden with your chikds other parent.

Gangie · 06/11/2015 09:45

Why don't you get dh look.after all night wakings? He will need the practice anyway for when the new bbaby comes. Send him off to soft play today and get some rest. Tell your dh that starting from tonight he is in charge - best thing to do in my experience is keep lights off don't talk to her at all just return to bed each and every time....sshe will get the message soon!

EmmaWoodlouse · 06/11/2015 10:18

I think you mean cancel her party rather than cancel her birthday. It's her birthday whether you celebrate it or not.

Anyway, I don't think you can punish a child for "waking up". Do you ever wake up in the night? Could you stop yourself if you wanted to? It's natural to wake up from time to time. What you need to change is how she deals with waking up - but I think at her age I would reward her for not disturbing you in the night rather than punish if she does.

CuntryLiving · 06/11/2015 10:22

YABU. She's 3! Have a word with yourself.

I really do sympathise, because it is hard pregnant with a toddler and no sleep. But they do wake up, it's normal, and you have to somehow cope with it. Telling her to stop calling out now is fine, doing away with the 'night night, sleep tight' bullshit and replacing it with not talking or just telling her everybody's tired, it's nighttime and she has to be quiet, is also fine. Cancelling her birthday is just way over the top, nasty thing to do, which won't help the situation at all, and you'll feel bad about it for ages.

mellicauli · 06/11/2015 10:27

Did someone on this thread really say you're pregnant and she's 3, it will get easier? Sorry to scoff at this..

Could you get a small blow up mattress (or a cot mattress), put a sheet in it, let her sleep on that by the side of your bed when she wakes up. She'll go off much quicker if you are right there by her.

I know you won't cancel her birthday...but you could have an extended game of sleeping lions to celebrate..

strawberrypenguin · 06/11/2015 10:30

Second the suggestions for a gro clock. DS was about 3 when we introduced his and it works a treat.
Obviously you should cancel her party - that's your lack of sleep talking! In the future kick your DH out of bed for any night wakings, growing a person is hard work and you need more sleep.

strawberrypenguin · 06/11/2015 10:30

Shouldn't cancel her party that should say!

CarlaJones · 06/11/2015 14:27

mellicauli I noticed that too!

Bimblywibble · 06/11/2015 20:02

What?? Of course it will get easier. I have never cried as much as when I was juggling pregnancy exhaustion & sickness, very verbal toddler and work, and my toddler was a doddle compared to DC2 some. Newborn plus toddler is vastly easier than pregnant with a toddler in my book, and with a difficult pregnancy and toddler in a phase of night waking OP is very likely to be in the same boat.

And 5 and 8 is waaay easier than newborn and 3 year old. 5 and 8 is great. as is 4 & 7, 6 & 9...

cestlavielife · 06/11/2015 20:27

Maybe a sticker chart for your h....take dd out on your own and you get a sticker. ...Three times and you get a beer. Stop pandering to your h he can easily take dd out even if it's down the road to the shops local park..

PurpleHairAndPearls · 06/11/2015 20:47

I said upthread it will get better. Although what I actually said was "as your DD grows up this will get better".

Generally this is the case so I'm not sure why it deserves to be scoffed at Hmm