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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Other parent asking nanny a favour

137 replies

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:35

Ok, here goes.
Genuinely want to see if this is reasonable or not.

Background: We have three daughters aged 8,4 and 16 months.
We employ a great nanny 2 days a week and she has worked for us for over 3 years.

There is another mum at my daughter's school who was initially a friend of mine and then got to know our nanny a bit. Unfortunately that mum's child was involved in quite a bit of nasty behaviour earlier in the year and essentially I have wound back on things in terms of play dates etc. on advice from the school (the situation did not directly involve my child but was pretty bad).

Anyway other mum and her husband separated over the summer.
She now seems quite unhinged/emotionally labile/angry from her Facebook posts.

Today, she calls our nanny 5 mins before school pick up to ask if our nanny would look after her girls til she gets to the school, as she is running late.
Our nanny agrees.

The school have a set up whereby if a parent is late, you can call the office, they will gather your children from the olaygroudpnd and keep them in the school reception area until parent arrives.

Anyway, our nanny then supervises our 3 girls (incl 16 month old) and other mum's two girls for 40 minutes until other mum arrives.

Other mum barely speaks to myself or my husband and I have heard nothing about the incident from her this morning.

It speaks volumes that she has no other contact in the school bar our nanny.

Our apnanny is very friendly and eager to help out when she can and I do think she was taken advantage of.

Who do you think I should bring this up with and is this unreasonable behaviour. I have my own thoughts but don't want to sway the opinions.

Thankyou!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 10:37

Block the woman's number on your phones. Tell your nanny she is NOT to respond to this woman.

Babieseverywhere · 28/10/2015 10:41

If it is a true emergency and only once in a while, I wouldn't mind and would be happy to help another mother (even if I didn't like her)

But if it was the start of a daily help needed situation, run for the hills.

You must have a suspicion into which category this mother falls into ?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 28/10/2015 10:42

Bring it up with your nanny, she is employed to look after your children not to do favours for others at the same time. if she wishes to help out the other mother on her own time that is her business but make it clear to her that when she is being paid to look after yours that is her priority.

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 10:43

Tell nanny to say no

YANBU, the nanny is your employee, you pay her, not up to this woman to ask her to fill in for her - she should have asked you!

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 10:44

40 minutes is AGES too, not on at all.

Bimblywibble · 28/10/2015 10:45

Have you spoken to your nanny about the 40 mins specifically, to hear what she honestly thought about it?

I think I would use the 40 mins as a reason to ask nanny not to do future favours for her. It's not just an odd 5 mins here and there. Hopefully it was a one off - I missed pick up completely when the motorway closed, and it was completely beyond my control. School know I'm not in the habit of being late and were nothing but kind and understanding even though I must have put them out hugely.

VimFuego101 · 28/10/2015 10:45

Your nanny should have checked with you first.

YouBastardSockBalls · 28/10/2015 10:46

Your nanny was in the wrong, massively so.

She's being paid to look after YOUR children, and it was bloody cheeky of her to start doling out favours.

If you were a cleaner, cleaning someones house and the neighbour rocked up with a load of silver for you to polish, would you say yes?

No, you wouldn't.

It's your nanny's fault.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 28/10/2015 10:46

You are paying your nanny to look after your dc, not somebody else's. So you are well within your rights to tell your nanny not to take on other people's childcare.

To avoid it being awkward for your nanny, who is nice and helpful, I would he inclined to contact the other mum and tell her that your nanny has enough children to supervise and you have asked her to concentrate on your dc only, so please could she not ask for childcare from your nanny in future.

Original poster
WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:50

Thankyou everyone......you have all just reiterepated my feelings on it. I did speak to our nanny on the phone last night and reiterated that other mum should have really asked me and if anyone asks for that particular favour the standard response should be 'I am happy to take them around to the office and explain that you are running late' do so and then leave with our children.
It's frustrating not neing able to directly let the other mother know I am fully aware of what she did yesterday afternoon but my gut is she's loopy and to maintain no contact.
Other mother wouldn't have called me to ask me to do it as I think she knows I am giving her a wide berth, so why on earth she thought it appropriate to call the person looking after my children.
Thankyou all again. Most helpful and sensible mumsnetters.

OP posts:
Kennington · 28/10/2015 10:51

Well the woman has gone through a break up so I would cut her some slack if it is a one off.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Imagine also having issues with her kids it must be awful for them and her.

Original poster
WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:51

I get the impression our nanny thought it was 5 minutes and it started to dawn on her the inappropriateness of the situation the longer she was hanging around with all the children.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 28/10/2015 10:51

While it remains a one-off, just let it go. Don't tick your Nanny off - she was trying to do someone a favour!

What happened with the dd? Could her "nasty behaviour" be in some way caused by the unhappiness between her parents at home?

I think there is stepping back from a friendship and then there is being deliberately vindictive when someone is at a very low ebb.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/10/2015 10:55

No school would advise you not have a particular child over for a play date.

PisforPeter · 28/10/2015 10:55

The other mum is probably finding life really difficult right now, I would not be do damning after one request for a favour...
Walk a mile in her shoes & all that.....

Original poster
WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:56

I don't think it is deliberately vindictive at all. If I were in the other mum's shoes I would have taken the more standard approach of contacting the school. There was always another option rather asking someone who is working looking after 3 children including a 16 month old to supervise 2 more.

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 28/10/2015 10:57

I think the friendliest way to deal with it us just to tell Nanny to pass the message onto the school office in future. Your Nanny probably went on the basis of past play dates and thinking it was only 5 mins.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:01

Your nanny was being UR.
She should not be agreeing to watch anybody else's children whilst she is employed to watch yours.
I would have words with her to this effect and tell her in future to remind the other mum of the school's standard arrangements.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:02

The other mum is probably finding life really difficult right now, I would not be do damning after one request for a favour...
Walk a mile in her shoes & all that

But the school have procedures in place to cover this. She didn't need to ask anyone at all.

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2015 11:06

^Your nanny was being UR.
She should not be agreeing to watch anybody else's children whilst she is employed to watch yours.^

God - that's a bit harsh. We all make judgement calls at work which don't turn out as expected from time to time. I think she's done exactly the right thing telling you all about it. I think you've handled it very well as well. I would leave it in this instance - you and your nanny have already agreed what happens if there's a next time.

IguanaTail · 28/10/2015 11:07

It's not the nanny's fault - she was trying to be kind. Anyone would be fine for 5 minutes. The other woman massively took the piss when she arrived after 40.

I would just say to the nanny to leave the other child at the school office on another occasion.

Abidewithme3 · 28/10/2015 11:10

Your nanny sounds very kind hearted.

I get your irritation but life can deal you shitty blows when you least expect it and can happen to you or me or anyone here despite thinking they have life sorted.

If it's just a one off leave it be but tell your nanny you realise she was helping out but next time tell her no and contact the school.

Really suprised the school advised your child against a play date. They don't normally get involved.

Hope the child is getting help.

Inertia · 28/10/2015 11:11

It seems that it's lesson learned all round. Your nanny was trying to be helpful, not cheat you, but it's worth having a discussion about what to do next time thus crops up.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:13

No it's not! There are procedures in place, the mum should not have asked and the nanny should not have agreed. What would have been better is if she phoned the OP and asked her if it was ok for the nanny to do this, or if the nanny said, I need to check!

No need anyway, as the school would have watched them.

I have three kids, close in age and used to a have a nanny.
If she would have agreed to watch two more, I would have been angry.
I also didn't hire a nanny with her own child, for this very same reason as four or five at once, is too many.

FWIW, my nanny once asked to bring another child of someone close to her, as a one-off whilst she had my three. She explained the circumstances but she had the decency to check with me first, acknowledging that she worked for me and doing other things outside her role (caring for my kids) would be a favour. I had no problem with this and it was a favour to her and not some other woman who doesn't even speak to me.

It's basic professional courtesy.

IguanaTail · 28/10/2015 11:14

But for 5 minutes it really wouldn't have been an issue.