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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other parent asking nanny a favour

137 replies

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:35

Ok, here goes.
Genuinely want to see if this is reasonable or not.

Background: We have three daughters aged 8,4 and 16 months.
We employ a great nanny 2 days a week and she has worked for us for over 3 years.

There is another mum at my daughter's school who was initially a friend of mine and then got to know our nanny a bit. Unfortunately that mum's child was involved in quite a bit of nasty behaviour earlier in the year and essentially I have wound back on things in terms of play dates etc. on advice from the school (the situation did not directly involve my child but was pretty bad).

Anyway other mum and her husband separated over the summer.
She now seems quite unhinged/emotionally labile/angry from her Facebook posts.

Today, she calls our nanny 5 mins before school pick up to ask if our nanny would look after her girls til she gets to the school, as she is running late.
Our nanny agrees.

The school have a set up whereby if a parent is late, you can call the office, they will gather your children from the olaygroudpnd and keep them in the school reception area until parent arrives.

Anyway, our nanny then supervises our 3 girls (incl 16 month old) and other mum's two girls for 40 minutes until other mum arrives.

Other mum barely speaks to myself or my husband and I have heard nothing about the incident from her this morning.

It speaks volumes that she has no other contact in the school bar our nanny.

Our apnanny is very friendly and eager to help out when she can and I do think she was taken advantage of.

Who do you think I should bring this up with and is this unreasonable behaviour. I have my own thoughts but don't want to sway the opinions.

Thankyou!

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:17

Let's be clear, I'm not saying the nanny should be told off, but that the OP needs to make it clear that she's not to do it again.

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 28/10/2015 11:21

I agree with the posters who say that nanny is your employee and, as such, should not take on any other childcare without your express permission.

If the situation were to arise again nanny should say

"Please run this request by wifeofguru and ask her to contact me direct if she is agreeable. "

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 11:22

Absolutely damnbamboo. It's one thing for a mum to a favour for another mum, but being a nanny is very different.
Our nanny is very kindhearted and I am usually the first mum to help out another in a jam, but this was a step too far. We are the usually Jane and Mr Bingley when it comes to these things!
WRT the school's advice there was a lot of attempted withholding of, and manipulating of friendships and the child was trying to make other children in the class play only with her and no-one else and therefore one on one play dates were reinforcing this behaviour. It's really a side issue, but trying to give a bit of background re. my stepping back from the friendship. It was prior to the separation and yes, home life was probably a contributing factor.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 28/10/2015 11:24

I have a friend who is a lone parent and occasionally asks for help but always reciprocates if our nanny needs a day off. Plus it's always done through me.

There is a big difference between that and seeing another person's nanny as a freebie so you don't have to be properly organised.

IjustGotmy2016diary · 28/10/2015 11:24

I am going to go against the grain and say it was the Nanny's fault.

She was only being nice and doing a favour for another Mum - something that my friends and I do all the time. HOWEVER - she was working at the time and so should not have agreed to this. In future further requests should be met with "sorry but I am working".

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:26

The liberties that other parents used to take with my delightful nanny would shock some people!

Truly taking the piss! Although I can look back and laugh now.

This 40 minute malarkey is really nothing, but best nipped in the bud early (as it seems to have been).

Which begs the questions, why the thread if it all seems to have been sorted already.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2015 11:28

If this is in your nanny's own time then there is not a lot you can do. If it's in the time she is employed by you then absolutely not. Just say this is not to happen again. And the nanny must refer said person to you.

Moopsboopsmum · 28/10/2015 11:29

Used to nanny share with DSis, the other mums took the P massively with our nanny. My DM often used to say that my DSis was subsidising loads of women's childcare and the nanny was effectively a child minder. Nip it in the bud now before everyone else dives in for some free childcare.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:30

I had one neighbour who would drop her boy off, five minutes after she saw me leave for work and then go out for the morning!

The agreement was that my boys friends could come and play and both myself and our nanny were fine with this.

But she'd dump and run and go off for lunch with her friends Hmm

Did this two days on the trot and on the third day, I moved my car round the corner and came back to the house.

I then opened the door to her Shock face!

T'was very funny. Never, ever happened again.

She also once wanted me to distrub my nanny over the weekend to ask her if she would watch her boy the following week, for no extra pay!

Some people

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 11:31

I only know one other mum with a nanny and having slept on it last night, started to wonder if I was being unreasonable. It has been helpful to hear the views of a few other mum's with nannies. Haven't been on mumsnet for a couple of years, but consensus on these threads is usually correct, even if it isn't what the op wants to hear!

OP posts:
overthemill · 28/10/2015 11:33

I had a massive falling out at dds nursery ( years ago) about something similar. My nanny ( part time and shared with another family) was always getting calls from a newly separated mum to 'help out' with her dd. This mum was a doctor who obviously had a hard time but did ear a good salary. She was often asking my nanny ( on my sole days) to take her dd home from nursery until she could get away. I asked nanny not to do so. Said I employed her for my daughter and it wasn't the same as play date. The mum hit the roof saying I wasn't in control of who my dd played with or what my nanny did. I explained that I paid my nanny to care for dd and that when she was in my employment she wasn't allowed to undertake personal tasks without prior agreement ( eg I didn't care if she took dd with her if she couldn't get a doctors appointment in her only day off door example). It provoked such a backlash and I stopped speaking/ was ignored by many of the mums. But I still think I was right. I scraped to pay for the nanny so I could work - we didn't have holidays or nights out but to us her care was a priority while I was trying to go back to work. The mum needed to sort it out - it wasn't a one off but was frequent and repeat d. Taking the piss

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 11:34

Shock bamboo

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:39

That's not the half of it!
I had one other mum try to steal her and get her to reorganise her hours with me to suit her childcare needs.

Another who did much as the other lady in the OP did.

The list goes on.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:42

That's bullshit overthemill

She was using your nanny for free childcare and other mums agreed with her? What is wrong with some people.

Of course it's your business who comes to your house and plays with your DD.

The default response by any nanny should be ' I am working and have other arrangement and I can't help' (no 'sorry' in there either).

Did any of the other mums step up to the plate to help?

zzzzz · 28/10/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 28/10/2015 11:43

That doctor was completely taking the piss. How would she had liked it if the surgery receptionist was doing admin for another company while they were paying him/her to work for them?!!

I have a clause in my nannies' contracts stating they are not allowed to work for other people without my prior consent, which is helpful in making sure there is a conversation about babysitting, extra jobs and so on should that raise its head. It came about because I had one nanny that was helping a friend who owned a pub by doing bar shifts all weekend when they were short staffed, and turning up exhausted. Same principle applied to helping other mums - yes, if it's a reciprocal arrangement, no if the mum sees it as a freebie and manipulates the nanny into agreeing.

whois · 28/10/2015 11:44

Tell nanny she needs to check with you first before agreeing to any other childcare for other families, which this was.

Explain why you don't really want her doing this - employed to care for your children, other children do not get on with yours and you do not want them together out of school, mother is not a friend of yours.

BoffinMum · 28/10/2015 11:45

My neighbour tried to steal my nanny once - she doesn't even work! The highlight of her day is going over to her mum's house so she can use their poo and gym. My nanny politely declined and then told me to watch out for that woman. Wink

BoffinMum · 28/10/2015 11:46

POOL

I meant POOL

The family isn't that bizarre Grin

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 11:51

This happened to me ages ago - a parent was regularly asking my nanny to have his ds, at my house, with my children, after school. I emailed other parent, it didn't go down well, he didnt see the problem (er, nanny is my employee, I pay her to look after my children)

Eminado · 28/10/2015 11:51

I am getting SO irritated with the "walk a mile in her shoes" brigade on this thread.

NO ONE on this thread has ANY idea of the OP's marital or financial status. Maybe SHE is newly separated or works very hard and sacrifices things to pay for nanny fees.

How dare some freeloader just decide that someone else's nanny is fair game for free childcare! Shock

What on earth is wrong with people? "Walk a mile in her shoes... "Blah blah - what?

If she has genuine reasons why she needs temporary help then then the other mother should SAY so directly to the OP, not freeload for 40 mins through the back door! Shock

WTAF?

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 11:52

Lol at poo

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 11:56

Agree eminado
Never mind that the OP is working to pay her nanny (never cheap) to take care of three kids (busy life generally then).

How about some of you walk a mile in the OPs shoes hmm?

expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 11:59

Exactly eminado.

I'd make it very clear no more freebies.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 12:04

Blimey Eminado, you've got yourself really worked up about this! Brew