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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other parent asking nanny a favour

137 replies

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:35

Ok, here goes.
Genuinely want to see if this is reasonable or not.

Background: We have three daughters aged 8,4 and 16 months.
We employ a great nanny 2 days a week and she has worked for us for over 3 years.

There is another mum at my daughter's school who was initially a friend of mine and then got to know our nanny a bit. Unfortunately that mum's child was involved in quite a bit of nasty behaviour earlier in the year and essentially I have wound back on things in terms of play dates etc. on advice from the school (the situation did not directly involve my child but was pretty bad).

Anyway other mum and her husband separated over the summer.
She now seems quite unhinged/emotionally labile/angry from her Facebook posts.

Today, she calls our nanny 5 mins before school pick up to ask if our nanny would look after her girls til she gets to the school, as she is running late.
Our nanny agrees.

The school have a set up whereby if a parent is late, you can call the office, they will gather your children from the olaygroudpnd and keep them in the school reception area until parent arrives.

Anyway, our nanny then supervises our 3 girls (incl 16 month old) and other mum's two girls for 40 minutes until other mum arrives.

Other mum barely speaks to myself or my husband and I have heard nothing about the incident from her this morning.

It speaks volumes that she has no other contact in the school bar our nanny.

Our apnanny is very friendly and eager to help out when she can and I do think she was taken advantage of.

Who do you think I should bring this up with and is this unreasonable behaviour. I have my own thoughts but don't want to sway the opinions.

Thankyou!

OP posts:
Sazzle41 · 28/10/2015 13:30

While the other mother is obviously going thru it at the moment you say children can be left in reception. Did she ask your Nanny because she doesnt want school to know she is having trouble coping is my thought - as perhaps your Nanny has been a friendly face she thought would help? I'd ask the Nanny to say that and take them there if it happens again - and maybe ask if everything is ok. It sounds like her child may have been acting out due to problems at home as well. I'd want to help with emotional support if she is sinking tbh. Venting on facebook re a breakup doesnt mean she is unhinged, just unhappy/maybe she has no-one else to let it out to.

Eminado · 28/10/2015 13:30

pisforpeter and minty

If someone did you favour, would you thank them?

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:32

Yes I understand.
However, the frothed up ones appear to be those who can't understand why the OP should care or even question it.
That's my take on it anyway.

really need to log off and get some work done

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/10/2015 13:36

DamnBamboo I quoted directly from the OP's post about what the issue had been with the DC. Admittedly I summarised OP's post because she had also said the DC was withholding and manipulating friendships. both of which seemed odd to me since stopping playdates seems as though the parents are now withholding and manipulating friendships Confused

Thatoneoverthere · 28/10/2015 13:36

Ok DamnBamboo so maybe no one said have a go but its hardly been pleasant has it? She works for you, you pay her have a work, make her say no.
And I would do what is best for my charges, that is my job. Plus I have been a nanny long enough to be able to tell a parent asking me for a hand to one who is going to pick their kid up 3 hours late with their hair done. As my bosses know, I never said it was none of their business just that they would not want to be bothered by something so trivial. So you never organised car pools for clubs/ sports/ activities/ play dates?

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 13:38

Eminado - how do you know the mum didn't thank the Nanny?

Op has dropped this other Mum (and thinks she is loopy as well) so why would she put herself out to contact op? Nanny did 40 mins childcare for her - which was very nice and I can only see a problem if the the other Mum asks again. But op has told Nanny to refuse, so there won't be a problem! All resolved nicely, really is there anything else to say?

Other Mum split up with her dh "in the summer" and it is now nearly November, so it doesn't look as though she is being incredibly needy in terms of ad hoc childcare?

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:38

What do you mean I never organised them?

Eminado · 28/10/2015 13:39

Thank God for bamboo

Apparently i must recruit for, organise and pay for childcare for my own children and then never ever question it when someone else who cannot be bothered to speak to me directly uses it without asking me or informing me, or else i am "smug" and have "a rosy life".

Again i say - wtf?

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:40

How is any of that relevant to this thread or your post? I genuinely don't understand your question?

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:40

My last two posts to thatone

Sorry, not clear.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 13:41

It's all getting a bit hysterical on here.

Perhaps the thread title should have been "Other parent asked my nanny for one favour".

Eminado · 28/10/2015 13:42

"
Op has dropped this other Mum (and thinks she is loopy as well) so why would she put herself out to contact op?"

BECAUSE SHE IS USING HER NANNY!!!!
Fgs!!!!

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:43

Out of interest, how many of those who think the OP is BU actually have nanny's?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/10/2015 13:43

Bit touchy on here, innit Wink.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:44

It's all getting a bit hysterical on here

It's amazing how long this is going on for isn't it. I am guilty of it too Smile

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/10/2015 13:44

No-one said you couldn't question it Eminado Confused No-one said the OP couldn't question it.

Quite a few us said we wouldn't have a problem with this happening once. But others said they would have a word with their nanny about it.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:46

Mintty, it would be common courtesy for the OW to contact the OP about this.

I get that this eludes some people, but it's basic manners really.

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 13:47

Thankyou eminado and bamboo. And there was no Thankyou mintyy, but I am one of those smug, frazzled, working mothers of three who expect good manners and like to know where my offspring are and how their day went.

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/10/2015 13:47

I've also just realised that the OP isn't asking if SIBU - just if the other mum/the nanny WUB.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 13:47

"BECAUSE SHE IS USING HER NANNY!!!!
Fgs!!!!"

Perhaps I was understating it when I said a little bit hysterical Wink

Waltermittythesequel · 28/10/2015 13:48

The fact of the matter is that the nanny is in OP's employ and if OP wants the nanny to in charge of her children only, then she's entitled to stipulate that.

The rights and wrongs are irrelevant, really.

It's not U for someone to request that her nanny takes the dc immediately from school to home.

That's not to say we'd all do it.

But people are different and this particularly nanny has been employed by this particular woman. So that's just how it is.

Thatoneoverthere · 28/10/2015 13:48

DamnBamboo it was in reply to you saying (excuse my dyslexic jumping about!)

As an employer, I wouldn't expect you to be ringing around other parents to ferry my kids around without my knowledge. At all.

You expectations are obviously very different to what I am used to dealing with, would love to not have to sort or deal such things!

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:52

It was never needed. I had three kids that she was watching. It was never an option to take along any more and she did all of that.

All clubs and acitvities etc were managed either by my dearly-missed nanny, or by DH and I.

If any of mine had the option to do something different after school (impromptu playdate for example) my nanny would have always checked.

It's just how it was and I never minded. Would always expect to know where they are and with whom.

Eminado · 28/10/2015 13:53

APlace

"Today 12:16 cansu

Tbh you sound quite unpleasant. You have snubbed this woman and her child because her dd was involved in something nasty that didn't involve your child. What does this mean. The school would not have warned you to leave this child out if your child was not involved. This smacks of playground gossip. The woman has separated from her husband and you have been reading her Facebook posts and have decided she is emotionally unstable. I am not surprised she didn't ask you for the favour. Have you never been caught up and late? I suppose not given that you have a nanny in place. You sound very superior and smug frankly. i think you are in fact right that the nanny should have checked with you probably but given she did not know how long it would be she probably thought it wouldn't be that long. Once she had said yes she would then have felt obliged to carry it through. How about cutting the poor woman a bit of slack. Not everyone's life is rosy and perfect."

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:53

I have three kids that should say.
they are all here now and don't I know it