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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Other parent asking nanny a favour

137 replies

WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 10:35

Ok, here goes.
Genuinely want to see if this is reasonable or not.

Background: We have three daughters aged 8,4 and 16 months.
We employ a great nanny 2 days a week and she has worked for us for over 3 years.

There is another mum at my daughter's school who was initially a friend of mine and then got to know our nanny a bit. Unfortunately that mum's child was involved in quite a bit of nasty behaviour earlier in the year and essentially I have wound back on things in terms of play dates etc. on advice from the school (the situation did not directly involve my child but was pretty bad).

Anyway other mum and her husband separated over the summer.
She now seems quite unhinged/emotionally labile/angry from her Facebook posts.

Today, she calls our nanny 5 mins before school pick up to ask if our nanny would look after her girls til she gets to the school, as she is running late.
Our nanny agrees.

The school have a set up whereby if a parent is late, you can call the office, they will gather your children from the olaygroudpnd and keep them in the school reception area until parent arrives.

Anyway, our nanny then supervises our 3 girls (incl 16 month old) and other mum's two girls for 40 minutes until other mum arrives.

Other mum barely speaks to myself or my husband and I have heard nothing about the incident from her this morning.

It speaks volumes that she has no other contact in the school bar our nanny.

Our apnanny is very friendly and eager to help out when she can and I do think she was taken advantage of.

Who do you think I should bring this up with and is this unreasonable behaviour. I have my own thoughts but don't want to sway the opinions.

Thankyou!

OP posts:
Mintyy · 28/10/2015 12:05

Oh, what a load of old bobbins.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 28/10/2015 12:07

Unfortunately that mum's child was involved in quite a bit of nasty behaviour earlier in the year and essentially I have wound back on things in terms of play dates etc. on advice from the school (the situation did not directly involve my child but was pretty bad).

On advice from the school!? Hmm

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/10/2015 12:12

As an one-off, it really wouldn't cause me much angst.

I would be much more concerned that the school's response to a vulnerable DC acting out was to isolate the DC further by encouraging other parents to drop play-dates. In fact I don't think any decent school would do that. I'd judge harshly any school and/or parent that opted to make a DCs' life more lonely at such a difficult time.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 28/10/2015 12:14

Did the school approach you with advice about playdates and the bad behaviour that didn't actually involve your DC?

Or was it the other way around?

cansu · 28/10/2015 12:16

Tbh you sound quite unpleasant. You have snubbed this woman and her child because her dd was involved in something nasty that didn't involve your child. What does this mean. The school would not have warned you to leave this child out if your child was not involved. This smacks of playground gossip. The woman has separated from her husband and you have been reading her Facebook posts and have decided she is emotionally unstable. I am not surprised she didn't ask you for the favour. Have you never been caught up and late? I suppose not given that you have a nanny in place. You sound very superior and smug frankly. i think you are in fact right that the nanny should have checked with you probably but given she did not know how long it would be she probably thought it wouldn't be that long. Once she had said yes she would then have felt obliged to carry it through. How about cutting the poor woman a bit of slack. Not everyone's life is rosy and perfect.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 12:17

Yes, the mum has no friends at the school. The 8 year old did something so wrong that everyone else has dropped her and her mum?

From the op: "It speaks volumes that she has no other contact in the school bar our nanny" just sounds a tiny bit witch hunty to me.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 12:19

FFS the school has procedures in place to deal with this.
The OP doesn't need to cut the other woman (who doesn't even speak to her or her DH) any slack at all.

And given that people haven't got a clue what has happened in the school, how the hell can they comment?

SummerNights1986 · 28/10/2015 12:22

Your nanny was bu.

She can do whatever favours she likes in her own time, but she was working at the time she was asked. She should have asked your permission to do this favour during her paid work hours, even as a one off.

However, I would let it go on this occasion - but if it happens again, speak to her. All she needs to do is respond 'Sorry, I can't help you out this morning as i'm working'.

OnlyHereForTheCamping · 28/10/2015 12:22

The other mother was in the wrong to ask the nanny and not the op. But I am a bit wtaf at the the school advising parents to have nothing to do ,with a child. And am also sniggering at Jane and Mr bingly

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 28/10/2015 12:42

The other mother was in the wrong to ask the nanny and not the op. But I am a bit wtaf at the the school advising parents to have nothing to do ,with a child

Quite. If the family have been ostracised on the basis of fictional 'advice from the school' the mum may have been short of options in an emergency.

Thatoneoverthere · 28/10/2015 13:01

I'm a nanny and if my boss had a go at me for doing something like this I would seriously reconsider my position. And any boss I have had would be seriously annoyed at me ringing to ask permission. It's just not a big deal, did your children miss a class, run late for anything or did they spend 40 minutes playing?

Your nanny does the school pick ups so sees what happens at the school gates, sees the relationships with the children and builds a rapport with the other parents (and has been with you and doing so for 3 years). I talk to different parents at school than my bosses do oddly enough. Why would you not want your children to see the example of being kind, helpful and supportive? One time is not taken advantage of and even for us employees its good to have favors in the bank, what if your 16 month old is sick? She can call in a favor and get your girls dropped off rather than dragging her out. Not that you would want this particular woman near your kids obviously but go with the theory.

Original poster
WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 13:11

thanks all. off to change dd's school background info was to try to summarise a complicated school issue that arose before the parental break up and it was to highlight why having any reasonable communication with the other mum was unlikely to be fruitful. We all make judgement call in life. And yes, whilst this was all happening I was indeed at work oblivious.

OP posts:
kylesmybaby · 28/10/2015 13:13

I can understand why the parent didn't want to let the school know she was going to be late if they are telling parents not to have her child for play dates. Which just sounds bizarre. If they told OP and her child was nothing to do with the incidents at school how many other parents were told the same thing. Either by the school or parent gossip.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/10/2015 13:14

And given that people haven't got a clue what has happened in the school, how the hell can they comment?

Ooh, let me tell you how I can comment because the OP said this:
the child was trying to make other children in the class play only with her and no-one else which hardly sounds like the crime of the century and indeed sounds like the natural reaction of a DC searching for stability possibly to balance the lack of it at home as her parents' marriage was falling apart.

Also the OP said her DCs were 4 or 8. So the DC involved is either 4 or 8. I have tonnes of compassion for small children. And, generally, so do schools especially when they are aware of a massive change in a DCs' home circumstances. I have much less so for parents engineering the isolation of a small, troubled DC.

I think it's obvious that the school haven't suggested parents should drop play dates but a cohort of parents have taken it upon themselves to meet out this punishment. And they are absolutely entitled to choose who they invite to their home.

I'm sure the mum of the isolated child was delighted to get such a clear indication of the parents who lacked compassion and were trying to teach their children to leave a child out. Personally I always like to know which parents have that attitude so I can give them a very wide berth. I think part of OP ' anger at her nanny is that her friends may think she is softening towards the family they have all decided to bully isolate.

Original poster
WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 13:15

My nanny does the school pick up one day per week. I do it three days per week. And my children have this thing called homework to be doing. And I wouldn't ask my nanny to make an arrangement with another parent regarding my child. Every nanny-parent relationship is different I guess.

OP posts:
Eminado · 28/10/2015 13:15

Minty i am not worked up but just horrified at the freeloader apologists. And i dont drink coffee but thank you.

And now the OP is being attacked and being called "smug" - for paying for and organising her own childcare, cansu,

And how do you know whether the OPs life is rosy? You don't.
That is why you should ASK if you need something from someone else.

Original poster
WifeOfGru · 28/10/2015 13:17

Gosh there are some paranoid people out there.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:17

Thaton yes except nobody, not one person has said to have a go at the nanny, but to make expectations clear.
It's really not the same thing at all.

And what if this woman asked again and again, what would you say.

It is your employers business, like it or not. Go with what theory? As an employer, I wouldn't expect you to be ringing around other parents to ferry my kids around without my knowledge. At all.

PisforPeter · 28/10/2015 13:22

I can't believe a one off favour has been so blown out of proportion on this thread...FFS some of you must have perfect lives....

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:22

I'll wait for the OP to respond to you aplace out of interest but a complicated school issue sounds a little more than 'you have to play with me' shenanigans.

But there is a lot of vicious speculation on here and shitty comments to the OP for what I can see, is no good reason.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 13:24

The woman asked ONE favour (and who knows, she might have been stuck on a train/in traffic/held up at an appointment and not known she was going to be 40 minutes late!) = freeloader? And anyone who suggests that it's not the crime of the century is a "freeloader apologist".

Well I never did.

Thatoneoverthere · 28/10/2015 13:26

So their homework didn't get done then? I think it would be more than fair to have words about that.

DamnBamboo · 28/10/2015 13:27

Has anyone said it is crime of the century? I haven't seen one person say that.

Bearing in mind this woman doesn't speak to the OP/her DH.
They aren't friends.
The OP pays the nanny to watch her children and finally (drum roll...

The school has procedures in place to deal with late parents anyway.

Iken · 28/10/2015 13:27

I have been in the situation where my nanny was "doing favours" for other parent

I think talking about it and just saying if it happens again the parent is to contact you to ask if it is ok is the best approach.

One off (not hanging around for 40 mins) OK/ using as a free childcare service is not ok

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 13:29

No, no, Damnbamboo, you misunderstand. That there is a figure of speech.