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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rita Ora - 'It wasn't abuse because I wanted it'

156 replies

GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 10:32

Daily Mail link warning

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3288177/I-abused-14-says-Rita-Ora.html#comments-3288177

So Rita Ora has said that when she was 14, she had a relationship with a 26 year old man. But that it wasn't abuse because she 'wanted it' and that if anything it gave her more confidence Hmm I think this was something she said a while.ago, but has been dug up and been put into a new biography?

If she is just going to minimise this, then what is the point of putting it out there in the public, surely it serves to do absolutely nothing than giving totally the wrong message to her target audience? What kind of 26 year old bloke wants to go out with a 14 year old.anyway? Between this and her admiration for Chris Brown she is going down in my estimations at a rapid rate!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 25/10/2015 10:33

I admit I haven't read the article but based on what you've said that is awful ! What a terrible thing for her to say!

Original poster
GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 10:40

Actually, reading it again she said 'that's child abuse isnt it?' And then went on to 'but I don't want anyone to think I was a victim of child abuse because I wanted it'.

I guess her comments vlcould have been taken out of context. I shall wait with baited breath for her to come out and state this......

OP posts:
Jaxsbum · 25/10/2015 10:43

surely its up to her how she views it

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 25/10/2015 10:46

I haven't read the article but that sentance could be read in two ways.

  1. that she doesn't think it's abuse because she wanted it
  2. That even though she wanted it, it's still abuse.
Spidertracker · 25/10/2015 10:52

I had a 23 year old boyfriend when I was 15, I wanted it, it wasn't abuse in my eyes I still don't think I was abused.
More than 15 years later I have a daughter she is only 6 but if a 20 something went anywhere near her in 9 years time I would feel very very differently and I would ensure he didn't get away with it.
I think perspectives change and we know from the relationships board that what is clearly abuse doesn't always feel like it to the victim.

PrincessHairyMclary · 25/10/2015 10:54

I haven't read it and I won't. But isn't part of being abused the being groomed bit, the being made to feel special etc. It sounds more like she hasn't really faced upto what has happened to her and is in denial more than anything.

SoupDragon · 25/10/2015 10:54

Why is it up to you how she views something that happened in her life? should she pretend to feel abused just to make you, and others, happy?

NinaSimoneful · 25/10/2015 10:55

I met DH when I was 16 and he was 24. Probably not as bad as 14 I know.

FrancesHaHa · 25/10/2015 10:56

Surely this is a common way abused children/ women react to their abuse? Especially if she was groomed.

It's a pretty strong coping mechanism to try to take back control by saying that what happened was wanted.

Grazia1984 · 25/10/2015 10:57

Her feelings are her own. Some teenagers are very mature. I remember how I was at 15.

It may not please mumsnet mummies to think their teenagers might have sexual feelings but it is possbile to have a non exploitative relationship with a sexual partner in your teens. Obviously the law says you must be 16 of course so best to wait until then.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 25/10/2015 10:59

Its a balance of power though

And why is a 24 year old man be wanting a relationship with a child

Not everyone can see the difference in the power balance they are too caught up in it

Birdsgottafly · 25/10/2015 11:00

I hate that people can't talk about their own experiences and are viewed that they should just quote what Child Protection states.

RO says this now, well we don't know fully what she actually said on the Woman's Discussion group that this was first shared on.

In time, she may view this differently.

What she said is in no way comparable to what Rape Appologist Chrissie Hynde said.

RO hasn't stated that they had sex, she has just stated that she doesn't want to be viewed as an abused child, who was sexually assaulted.

That's not what the law says, but she isn't challenging the law, she's giving her perspective on something that happened to her.

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:01

I was going to namechange but fuck it. Ive spoken about this before.

I was groomed (i think thats a good word) by a man in his 30's from the age of 12. Oh, he made sure he didn't actually fuck me but there was other stuff - i can see that now, until i was "legal". I had a crush on him, he was married.

I spent a lot of time thinking that i was just a little slut who pretty much threw away my teenage years mooning after a married man and metaphorically sticking pins into voodo dolls of his wife.

But now, at the age of 45 with a serious anxiety disorder, requiring medication and self esteem, can you have a negative measure of self esteem? no confidence and believing that i don'd deserve any better.

I tried to convince myself that this wasn't abuse, after all, i wanted it - tried to convince myself that my life didn't go to shit because of the warped values i had throwing myself at a married man who used to deign to let me suck his cock and practically throw me out of his car afterwards?

it wasn't abuse though - because i wanted it Hmm

Birdsgottafly · 25/10/2015 11:02

Grazia, that's not what "Mumsnet Mummies" POV is, most just want an abuser to be called an abuser.

manicinsomniac · 25/10/2015 11:02

I haven't read the article but the quoted comment, to me, seems to mean:

It was abuse on his part (being a 26 year old man and all - how appalling! She was pretty much a little girl!) but she wasn't a victim of the abuse because she wanted it. Which I think is perfectly possible. So she is saying that he was wrong but her younger self was happy he did it.

Grazia1984 · 25/10/2015 11:04

Theo, I wuold say 12 year old with man in 30s who is married is worlds away from RO at 14 who was probably as mature as a 16 year old, wanted it, knew her own mind and the man was 24. Men are much less mature than women anyway. The man wasn't her teacher either which is obviously always wrong.

None of us can say what someone else feels about something.

From a feminist point of view I get sick to death on mumsnet of women marrying older men and then living off their earnings and not having a job so I can certainly make a case for women or all ages always avoiding older men but there is always a lot of it about.

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ApricotSorbet99 · 25/10/2015 11:06

This habit of women trying to take ownership of other women's experiences is very worrying.

They'll either demand that they don't say anything at all or patronisingly tell them that they don't actually mean what they said. (Both of which are represented here).

She may well have wanted a sexual relationship at 14 with this man. And it seems as if she enjoyed it, did not feel abused and does not regret it.

A discussion centred around acceptance of this fact is considerably more helpful than gagging her or dismissing her own thoughts as not really genuine.

Teenagers often have sexual desires that they want to act on. Bit silly to pretend they don't.

Jaxsbum · 25/10/2015 11:07

so RO has to say she was a victim of abuse......even if she doesn't think she was...just to please people!!!
crazy

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 25/10/2015 11:08

Men are a lot less mature than women anyway that old excuse

At 14 you are still a child

ApricotSorbet99 · 25/10/2015 11:09

Don't tell people to "fuck off" LEM.

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:10

What has women marrying and being in a relationship with older men got to do with the price of fish???? My DP is 7 years older than me, so would have been 22 when i was 15. But we met when i was 21 and him 28. We of course have had the conversation, what if we had met when i was younger. He is adamant that he wouldn't have been interested "why would I have been interested in a child?"

It matters not if a 20yo WOMAN gets together with a 50yo man (apart from the obvious that the man is likely to die long before she does) from a feminist poing of view.

This isn't a feminist issue anyway, its a child protection issue.

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:13

If someone tries to patronise me, i reserve my right to tell them to fuck off, although i was saying fuck off to the comment rather than the poster.

RO may well have been in an "equal" relationship with this man, but putting that comment out there like she has, makes it sort of OK? there are many young girls who would be reading that thinking that its ok and it is NOT OK! to take advantage of a young girl who yes, does of course have sexual feelings but isn't mature enough to act upon them.

Its not something i'd want my children to be reading.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 25/10/2015 11:15

Yes teenagers do often have crushes and we have sexual desires it's part of becoming an adult that does not mean older men or women should take advantage of this

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 11:15

LEM, your daughter was the victim of statutory rape.

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