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Original poster

Rita Ora - 'It wasn't abuse because I wanted it'

156 replies

GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 10:32

Daily Mail link warning

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3288177/I-abused-14-says-Rita-Ora.html#comments-3288177

So Rita Ora has said that when she was 14, she had a relationship with a 26 year old man. But that it wasn't abuse because she 'wanted it' and that if anything it gave her more confidence Hmm I think this was something she said a while.ago, but has been dug up and been put into a new biography?

If she is just going to minimise this, then what is the point of putting it out there in the public, surely it serves to do absolutely nothing than giving totally the wrong message to her target audience? What kind of 26 year old bloke wants to go out with a 14 year old.anyway? Between this and her admiration for Chris Brown she is going down in my estimations at a rapid rate!

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 25/10/2015 14:40

She was groomed and abused, whether or not she felt like that at the time (thats what grooming is all about) and whether or not she is in denial about the reality now (rose tinted specs).

I'd rather she used her high profile to talk about being a strong survivor, rather than bleat on about how she never was a victim. All I can think is that her attitude will lead to more instances of victim blaming (she was up for it/asking for it/dressed older than she is). yes teens can have strong sexual urges. That does not mean they should be at the mercy of grown men way older than them.

She does not want other people to think she was sexually abused?
So why even bring this into the public domain?

cleaty · 25/10/2015 14:41

Of course teenagers have sexual feelings and can feel flattered by the attentions of an older man. So not all consider it abuse.

It is though. And many who do not see that when they are younger, do realise when they are older.

Grazia1984 · 25/10/2015 14:45

The law is clear - see the posting just above about the various rules depending on th different areas.

RO's feelings are hers too and she is allowed not to feel abused. Plenty of the 50 or 60 years married couples you read about fell in love when they were both 14 15 or 16 in the UK.

The age of consent in the UK used to be 12. It was raised to 13 in the 1800s It was raised to 16 in England 1885. It varies around the world today.

"There have been various suggestions to lower the age of consent to 14 - in 1998 the New Labour government proposed this, but despite some Left wing and Youth support this had been dropped by early 2003 as lacking support, a decade later in early 2013 the suggestion by civil servants to lower the age of consent to 14 was rejected by the Conservative led coalition as offensive (at least under some circumstances) and attention was drawn to the impact of recent scandals on the reception to any proposals."

Original poster
GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 14:45

'If she feels she wasn't abused, and is content, that's great for her.

But nonetheless she was abused!

I don't want her 14 year old fans to read this, and think that approaches by grown men are in any way ok.'

^^Yes, this is it for me.I think.

What on earth would a 26 year old bloke see in, or have in common with, a 14 year old anyway?

OP posts:
Whereyourtreasureis · 25/10/2015 14:47

enthusiasm I totally agree there has to be laws to safeguard children. Absolutely.

If I'm totally honest, I wouldn't be happy with my DD having a sexual relationship with anybody at 14, regardless of their age. But I care more for her than I ever could for myself.

I'm a hypocrite I know. While I don't regret my teenage years, I wouldn't want my daughter to follow in my footsteps with an older boyfriend.
Just because it was right for me then, doesn't mean is is right.

If my DS was gay, aged 14, the same applies.

My 3 DCs are all approaching their teens now. Ask me in a couple of years Confused

cleaty · 25/10/2015 14:49

14 is fine to have a relationship with another teenager about the same age. There is a big difference between a 14 year old and a 26 year old.

Original poster
GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 14:51

She does not want other people to think she was sexually abused?
So why even bring this into the public domain?

Well, quite.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 25/10/2015 14:54

A friend of mine was in a relationship with the guy she babysat for. From age 13 he was snogging and feeling her up on the drive home, they had full intercourse the minute she was 16. He was 20 years older. To me it sounded like grooming and abuse. She's 60 now and still considers him her "first love" ugh.

Original poster
GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 15:05

My brother is 25 and I very much consider him still to be a baby, really young, still maybe a little immature Wink

But the thought of him 'going out' with 14 year old girl (and I know a few) is just beyond grim.

OP posts:
IVolunteer · 25/10/2015 15:07

THis is all coming from an interview she did with Amanda De cadenet - it was the same episode which Amanda interviewed Caitlin Moran
IMO the comments have been taken out of context a bit, watch the actual video

vimeo.com/89965575

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 25/10/2015 15:09

But I care more for her than I ever could for myself :( I feel the same

I think that is part of the issue if we have little regard for ourselves how can we be mature enough to have a sexual relationship. We may want sex but all the emotions that we experience can be pushed aside not dealt with because we want to feel loved, to please others, to conform and to feel with have that over someone we can turn them on and be in control but are we, sex isn't about control but I certainly felt I was as I was giving in (not everyone's experience I know)

there has to be an age of consent and of course over the age of consent young women are still being taken advantage of

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 16:27

As far as I can see, if you are happy to have your 15 yr-old daughter on the Pill and she is in a sexual relationship with an 18 or 19 yr-old you are turning a blind eye to the stat rape thing.

So my question is: when would you say, 'Hey! You are abusing my daughter'. What age would the man having sex with your consenting daughter have to be for you to be disturbed?

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 16:31

^^ Your daughter being 15 in the above scenario.

WhatifIdid · 25/10/2015 17:56

Personally, irrespective of what age the man was (or woman) I would not be happy for any of my dc to be in a sexual relshp pre-16.

Also, if the age gap was more than a year or two I would see the relshp as unbalanced and the partner likely to be able to exploit my child. And I would see them off with all sorts of threats

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 18:12

I don't want her 14 year old fans to read this, and think that approaches by grown men are in any way ok.'

This - with knobs on.

I have found this thread upsetting and triggering,it might be worth asking MNHQ to put a triggering warning the OP.

IVolunteer · 25/10/2015 18:59

In my opinion she does seem sort of worried/concerned when speaking about it - not in the article more so in person

It's more of a 'I know it wasn't ok but It doesn't fit with what I have always perceived abuse or rape to look like so therefore it was just a weird thing that happened'

I think this attitude is very prevalent. No wonder really, the victim blaming culture that surrounds us teaches girls that rape is a stranger in a dark alley who holds you at knifepoint or a stereotype creepy old man who takes photos of kids at the swimming baths. It's not, 99% of the time. I don't think jumping on RO for what she has said is necessarily the right thing to do.

She is what, 24? In ten years she might have a child of her own and look back and think 'Jesus Christ, that wasn't right AT ALL'
She might feel more like a victim or she might feel like she survived something awful, she might think 'I was a silly young girl' and think no more of it, who knows.

MrsJayy · 25/10/2015 19:26

It is grooming and abuse many young girls are flattered by older men i am not sure why You are blaming Rita she was a child and whether or not she saw this as abuse is up to her lots of women that had relationships like this dont see it as abusive are you going to blame all of them to.

dustarr73 · 25/10/2015 19:52

But if she feels she wasnt groomed who are we to tell any different.We are always on here to "own" your own feelings.So maybe we should let her "own" hers.

After all you cant tell someone what to feel just because they feel or do something different to you.

PiperChapstick · 25/10/2015 20:40

I'm appalled at the amount of rape apologists on here. And yes he did rape her. She was 2 years under the age of consent. I wonder if you apologists would feel the same way if your 14yo daughter was shagging a 26yo man

PiperChapstick · 25/10/2015 20:42

Wether or not she "felt abused" - which is another rant entirely - she is a very influential person to young women and her words are potentially dangerous to those in a similar position who look up to her. So given the power she wields amongst teenagers, yes I think she should have kept schtum about the "I wanted it" part

IVolunteer · 25/10/2015 20:46

Basically I feel like if she said 'I was abused and groomed by an older man, it was awful and I eventually realised how wrong it was, I'm a survivor etc etc' you would get SO MANY people saying 'what an attention seeker, that's not abuse, she was just a slutty 14 year old girl how could he resist?! Ugh she is so self obsessed!'

She is already slated all the time for having 'slept her way to the top' with Jay Z and various record producers when she was 16/17. The men are, of course, blameless.... Hmm

So if she says 'it's child abuse really, but I don't really feel like I was abused' which is what she's saying, she is accused of okaying grooming and encouraging fans to have relationships with older men.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 25/10/2015 20:50

dustarr I think we all accept that at the time she wanted the relationship. And did not feel it was grooming or sleazy. MAny girls who have sex with their teachers would say the same. They feel grown up, flattered, special.
However, as an adult and as someone with a significant youth following she SHOULD realise that what happened to her was actually abuse. And if she wants to talk about it, it should be in terms of being a survivor, and letting girls know it is OK to talk about things like this - not 'oh I don't want anyone to think I was sexually abused' as if somehow people would judge or blame her for that.

As a contrast, if this was the older bloke writing 'oh it was not abuse, she wanted it, she loved me, it was special blah blah blah' - would that make it OK, would that make it NOT abuse? Of course not. She was 14. he was 26.

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 20:52

The thing is, Rita is pretty much of the generation where young girls are sending nude/topless/masturbatory/otherwise sexually-suggestive photos of themselves to all kinds of creeps and I do think that leads to a generation of girls feeling that, deep down, it's not really abusive if one of those blokes wants more.

It's all very, very messed up.

PiperChapstick · 25/10/2015 20:57

Basically I feel like if she said 'I was abused and groomed by an older man, it was awful and I eventually realised how wrong it was, I'm a survivor etc etc' you would get SO MANY people saying 'what an attention seeker, that's not abuse, she was just a slutty 14 year old girl how could he resist?! Ugh she is so self obsessed!'

I totally disagree with this. I think people are far more understanding and empathetic of abuse situations these days, especially since Yewtree, and she'd have received support all round. There'd always be the odd few wankers who would say the above but it wouldn't have been the general opinion

MrsJayy · 25/10/2015 20:58

Rita ora is not a role model i wish people would stop putting responsibility for our teenagers on pop singers it is ridiculous if your 14 year old daughter is a Rita fan then its up to you to talk to your teenagers about inappropriate relationships

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